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GLOWING BOOBS

20 Jun

My Lovely Doris,

A BEG O! I de love you to unimaginable extents… (Read in Nigerian accent)

I de got an amazing story oooo… I suck at this… So back to what we are used to!

I am from the barber’s shop… Not my normal shop though… The guy who does my hair moved to a different shop so I went to check it out! Be advised that it is really cold in Nairobi now… Places like Madaraka and Spring Valley are recording temperatures of up to -7˙ Its crazy I tell you… So you have probably asked yourself why I am cutting my hair with these temperatures… Well… Being single is a tricky affair… Alexander Muge always says, “Ka wiyi ogar CBD kae to inindo kendi!” WHich means, “With shaggy hair you will sleep alone in Nairobi!”

So I am at the barber shop and this guy is wrapping me with towels and cloth… I have never trusted these towels… I am always uneasy! This is how people get AIDS you know… From sharing towels!

The jacket I am wearing is by London Vivienne Westwood; It is now hung precariously on an uneven hunger on the wall. This stung… My pocket square is by Mr. Porter and was 55 quid, but this information is irrelevant.

I place my Galaxy S4 on the dressing table next to my glasses and tie because it was very uncomfortable in my pocket… Then like most men… I shut my eyes!

Oga you de have to pay attention to this ohhhh…

After the guy is done I look at myself in the mirror to affirm his work then he leads me to a different room where my head is washed…

“Utatatoa hio sasa…” The barber says pointing at my bluetooth earpiece which kept on telling me that the connection to my phone is low… “Bluetooth connection weak… Bluetooth connection weak…!” It does that when I am away from  my phone…

I ignore this and take it off… I hold it in my hands!

The water is steaming hot! Felt like this guy was out to skin my head…

Then my bluetooth earpiece went off, “bluetooth connection lost!” This happens when I succeed the six metre radius away from my phone… WHICH I HADN’T… and I was not moving… So the only logical occurrence was…. MY PHONE WAS MOVING AWAY FROM ME!

I ignored this for a few seconds until I couldn’t stomach the fact  that someone was SKWALEING with my phone… I got up from my seat without warning and went to the room where I left my phone…

MY S4 WAS NOT WHERE I LEFT IT!!!! My balls were in my stomach!

“MTU AMENIIBIA SIMU!” I shouted… The barber came running!

“Uliiwacha wapi?” The idiot asks… LIKE HE DID NOT SEE IT! My breathing is un-even with the situation at hand… I want to kill somebody! I order everyone in the salon to stay still as I check… The bluetooth earpiece is silent in my ear… WHich means – SHIT CRAY!

I am panicking, searching women’s bags and and pockets! It is a huge phone… It is a bit hard to hide…

I search 3 out of 4 women and nothing! I pray to God it is the fourth woman!

Then…

“Bluetooth connection succeeded!” my earpiece alerts me!

THE PHONE WAS IN THE ROOM!!!

I quickly double tap on the button on my earpiece! This redials the last number on my call log on my phone…

randy-wed-awesome-21IT IS RINGING!!!

IT IS RINGING!!

My ears are peeled…

“Hello Omera!” It is Alexander Muge!!!

Everyone in the room is looking at me like I am nuts!!!

I switch off my earpiece so I can hear Alexander’s voice from the phone…

“Omera en an’go!” (You guy, what is it!) Alexander shouts… “Hello!?” he adds…

Thats when I notice a flashing light from one of the women’s boobs…

“Ian Arunga?” her boobs were talking to me!!!

I walked towards her slowly…

When I get to her, she reaches for her bra and yanks out my S4!!

“Pole!” she says as she handed me the phone…

“Pole kendo?!” (Sorry again?*) Alexander is still on the line confused!! I hung up!

I had nothing to say… In my head I wanted to throw this woman off the building… Everyone was looking at her in shock…

I put the phone in my pocket and I go back to the room where my head/hair was being washed! The barber continues his work… Nothing is said!

Then a text from Alexander Muge comes in, “An Odhiambo Alexander in’gado na simu!?” (I, Odhiambo Alexander, you hang up on me!?*)

 

 

 

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18 Comments

Posted by on June 20, 2013 in comedy

 

Tags: , , , , , , , ,

18 responses to “GLOWING BOOBS

  1. Wanjiku Gaitho

    June 20, 2013 at 8:17 pm

    I just love the way such a woman plays it cool even after being caught red-handed with a stolen phone

     
  2. Soniisugar

    June 20, 2013 at 8:58 pm

    I would have slapped the bejesus out of her then push her off the building!!!!

     
  3. Savvy Kenya (@savvykenya)

    June 20, 2013 at 9:13 pm

    The shameless thief! If my S4 went my blood would also turn cold… at leas you had your bluetooth earpiece, such an omera 😀

     
  4. Brian Okello (@jakello)

    June 20, 2013 at 9:23 pm

    How big were her boobies…(please be specific).

     
  5. Pablo West

    June 20, 2013 at 10:07 pm

    hehe you guy, you have the craziest stories
    http://www.pablowest38.wordpress.com

     
  6. steveoyugi

    June 21, 2013 at 8:35 am

    This man has a loose nut in his head, but I like that nut

     
  7. OTIENO B.C.

    June 21, 2013 at 9:15 am

    No wonder they are called assets they attract other assets

     
  8. kendykiogora

    June 21, 2013 at 11:26 am

    Her boobs were talking to me… LOOOOL

     
  9. mmnjug

    June 21, 2013 at 11:29 am

    Hahahaha! An S4 in boobies?

     
  10. stephanie skier

    June 21, 2013 at 6:34 pm

    And you didn’t raise any hell! Saintly Ian!

     
  11. woolie

    June 25, 2013 at 2:00 pm

    I experienced a real Stephen King moment was when you said..”then like most men, I shut my eyes..” Hahahaha makes one think hard about going tp the barbers…hahahaha…great story

     
  12. judemutuma

    July 15, 2013 at 11:02 pm

    Hahahah! caught red hand(boob)ed

     
  13. Abba (@Abbakidenda)

    August 8, 2013 at 3:07 pm

    ALEXANDER MUGE!!! 😀

     
  14. manonice

    September 11, 2013 at 12:17 pm

    Is this a true story?

     
    • mydeardoris

      October 2, 2013 at 5:47 pm

      All the stories on this blog are true 🙂

       
  15. hausofjoy

    October 2, 2013 at 11:18 am

    “An Odhiambo Alexander in’gado na simu!?” this dude must have skinned you the next time you met. That statement sounds scary! lol

     

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