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OPEN LETTER TO ADELE LAURIE BLUE ADKINS

02 Aug

Dear Adele,

This blog was meant for letters to my one and only love Doris. Do not get this wrong. You are being addressed on stolen time… aren’t those always the best?

This might bring a few issues between Doris and myself. I have thought about this move long and hard… I am doing it.

Before I started I googled ‘how to start a love letter’ and out of the 12 pages I looked through, not a single one really brought out what I wanted to say… all of them started with pet names… sweetheart and honey… and my love… and my beautiful… to me you are neither… I would rather address you as ‘my soon to be’… ok I am being a bit psychopathic… Dear Adele did it just fine.

I am sure you haven’t been reading my letters to Doris so you have no idea why I am writing to you… let me brig you up to speed… Walk to the nearest reflecting surface and look at yourself…

You have probably noticed that you are plus sized… this tiny fact (the word play is not intentional) is big… I am completely weak for big women… If I had the kind of money you have… and you had the kind of money I had (which is above average in Kenya)… I would have asked you to marry me… this makes no sense…

Still at that reflective surface? If so, you have probably noticed the hue of your skin… it is more light than dark… yes? Obvious… I love yelo yelo women… you are white… oh my knees tremble… You probably smell like white people… I like how clean white people smell… they smell like shampoo… and lotion… and candles… and soap… and eucalyptus… and jojoba.

CN1m3

This made me laugh a bit…

Your songs are sad… An intern at my office told me yesterday that your ex boyfriend left you for a man… is this why your songs are so sad? You need someone to love you good… a tall black man… who just shaved off his signature beard. By the way I just shaved off my signature beard. The barber did it by mistake… so o refused to pay him…

I love big, intelligent, yelo yelo women with tiny feet… I don’t know about your shoe size but your voice can be substituted with the feet… I like your voice…

Its 1.30am as I write this… I can’t even think straight… and I am doing this on my phone… this is a bit hard because my eyesight is shit… sorry for cussing. So you are aware how serious this is.

I am sorry but I don’t think the lyrics to ‘set fire to the rain’ make sense… the chorus totally loses me… ‘I set fire to the rain… watch it burn… then I touch your face…’ Come on Adele… But worry not… when we ate together we will go through a few songs I have been writing which I think are amazing…

I heard that you found someone and you are married now… (jinx). You have a kid now? This being with you thing is getting slimmer by the paragraph…

I do not want your money though… I have enough of my own… at least till December… then, if we are together that is, we can work some sort of deal out… yes? So us will not be about money… yes? I don’t have much in tangible materials … but in my heart, I have everything!

What beauty!

What beauty!

I am tired and I have an early morning… plus I have to watch Groods before I sleep… so my darling… allow me to pen off… pen off is so high school…

I will write to you again someday… hopefully before December.

I can love you.

Yours.

For @lydzayar its people like you who make me keep writing.

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17 responses to “OPEN LETTER TO ADELE LAURIE BLUE ADKINS

  1. Kare

    August 2, 2013 at 8:14 am

    Lol,you donnt write to Doris in over a month and when you write you write to your ‘soon to be’? Doris better be working on a really good ultimatum…not divorce papers. :p

     
    • mydeardoris

      August 2, 2013 at 10:06 am

      Ww will work things out πŸ™‚

       
  2. Lydia

    August 2, 2013 at 9:59 am

    When you put it like that son, no Adele can afford to not abandon her child and husband for you. Thank YOU! I enjoy your writing, a little too much maybe.

     
  3. OTIENO B.C.

    August 2, 2013 at 10:56 am

    Kabisa Mwanaume ni Kujaribu hata kama ni kwa simu.
    Lakini boss when Doris sees this, sijui itakuwaje…but then its not a bad choice ama vipi

     
  4. Theshynarcissist

    August 2, 2013 at 12:35 pm

    πŸ˜€

     
  5. Swabra Swaleh

    August 2, 2013 at 1:36 pm

    I look forward to your letters:-).
    Doris better be prepared for the eventual seperation:-)

     
  6. Lydia

    August 2, 2013 at 3:39 pm

    She won’t do anything. It would have been a problem if it would have been someone poorer and less famous.
    Ian, jaribu kabisa.

     
  7. joan

    August 3, 2013 at 5:51 pm

    Every now and then I dig up my bookmark and wind up on your blog, that’s how come every now and then people think am crazy, apparently normal people don’t laugh at their phones/alone in public.

    My point is don’t stop writing. We thank all the yellow yellows who act as inspiration.

     
    • mydeardoris

      August 3, 2013 at 5:55 pm

      πŸ™‚ I promise to try not to stop. And subscribe.

       
    • mydeardoris

      August 14, 2013 at 11:33 pm

      Haahaaa… I like you abnormal. ..

       
  8. wendy

    August 5, 2013 at 11:10 am

    nice piece,you should be writing more often like you used to.

     
  9. Miss Vee

    August 8, 2013 at 7:39 pm

    My dear doris,
    I didn’t want to comment here….but i have been looking for you…..not anything bad…i wanted to thank you. I had some serious sh** going on last month and u helped me lots….i read glowing boobs and i cried….i laughed first then it turned into this sobfest and i purged all the sh** hence why i wanted to thank you….it helped me lots to laughcry like that and i wanted to thank you.

     
    • mydeardoris

      August 14, 2013 at 11:30 pm

      Awwww… I am glad that I coyld make you laughcry… now I am laughcrying :,)

       
  10. lydzayar

    October 7, 2013 at 12:54 pm

    I just (last week) found that she tried to light a lighter in the rain and it lit. That’s how that came about, didn’t quite catch the whole story. Will look for the link.

     
  11. mnkatha38

    September 9, 2014 at 9:57 am

    I can’t believe I am in August 2013, I am first approaching finishing your posts (considering am such a fast reader) and I don’t want to πŸ˜ͺ because they are amazingly funny and real

     

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