14 Aug

I am still at the office… it is almost 10pm!

First, I would like to take this opportunity to apologize for the false alarmated email you received yesterday from this blog… False alarmated is not a real word, I had to use ‘false alarm’ in the adjective… I have realised the more I try to explain this the worse it gets… Works kind of like a lie… But surely, the post was about some slimming product… That should have been your first clue that I did not write it!!! I like my women big… It is impossible to ever find me suggesting slimming ways to women! Anyhu…

Babe, before I say anything else, I want you to understand that I am less than a stone’s throw away from complete blindness… This is very important for you to actually understand the weight of what I am about to say!

My love Doris,

Your last letter gave me a quiet joy. Broken silence elevates my heart. Bad or good news… Your handwriting lying gracefully upon paper… So vivid were the memories of us together as they flooded my cerebellum in multiple colours… I could smell your perfume… The one you had the last time I saw you… Your smile, the ivory arranged so perfectly between your lips… The rings at the back of your neck… The innocence behind your eyes… Doris, I felt your skin against my own, your lips against mine… I held my breath for that feeling to last a little longer… I knew the second I would breath out, it would all fly away… with the wind…

It was seven years today that was the beginning of our happiness. Had it been otherwise I should have groped and stumbled my way about life, perhaps achieving some measure of happiness. You are my violin Doris, what a lovely instrument I have. Oh my darling let me learn how to live so that I may play finely on it forever. Without you, my life will be without music!

Staying at the office until midnight, in my life, is normal! I tend to assume everyone’s life is like this. But that is not my story…

On my way home the other day at about 11pm I stopped by Nakumatt (the one opposite Nyayo Stadium) to buy an ironing  board. Random yeah?! I went to get an ironing-board because Judith (my house help) irons clothes on my dinning table… I hate it! It fucks up the varnish finish… Someone had told me these things are about 1,000/- That is all I had when I walked into the supermarket… Inside the supermarket I got a bit distracted… Looking at things I thought would look amazing in my living room… Or staring at these neon cloloured bathroom sets that would so go with my neon green loo theme! I looked at glasses… and knives… I looked at the chicken and the meat… By the time I remembered what I was there for, I had killed like 45 minutes…

When I finally got to the ironing boards, not a single one was below 1,450/- Distraught, I picked up a pack of boneless chicken and went to the till… By the way Judith makes amazing boneless chicken! You must be wondering what the climax to this tale is… Calm your tits…

When I got to my car I found a human being with his head deep inside… Ok that sounds a tad devious! Let me explain.

The driver’s door was wide open and this huge man was sticking his head inside. For a split second I thought I was looking at the wrong car… The plate was mine… The random Nakumatt Westgate sticker on the bumper was familiar, but the confidence this man was searching inside the car with stated otherwise…

Stumbled on this picture when I was googling Atinuke, a Nigerian storyteller who is a guest at this year's Storymoja Hay Festival. She is called Atinuke as well... I just thought she was extremely beautiful... Absolutely fallen for this stranger!

Stumbled on this picture when I was googling Atinuke, a Nigerian storyteller who is a guest at this year’s Storymoja Hay Festival. She is called Atinuke as well… I just thought she was extremely beautiful… Absolutely fallen for this stranger! She is married though :/

I am rooted to the spot for a few seconds and all that’s going through my head was, “FUCK! MY 15 INCH MACBOOK PRO THAT WAS DESIGNED BY APPLE IN CALIFORNIA!!!” I also had a few books in the back seat but nothing impresses me beyond a book thief… Unless they are stealing these books with the intention to re-sell!

“Unafanya nini wewe?!” I storm! That statement was uncalculated and curt! I had not looked at my surroundings to check if there was a single soul that could help if this humongous being decided to beat me up!

The man paused for a second and a half… Then slowly removed his head from the car… The human was gigantic! His chest was wide and firm as a prison wall!! His arms had thick veins the size of my fingers running up and down the massive extensions of muscle! As in, this man was NAIROBI’S RECKONING!!!! You know, like Bane is Gotham’s reckoning? Yeah… Aw forget it!

This man then steps away from the car then walks towards me… I SWEAR I LET OUT A TRICKLE OF PISS!! I cannot remember the last time I was that terrified…

“Watu kama wewe hukufa mapema!” He said and patted my back as he walked away! Apart from the thought of him wiping off the germs and dirt on my Butler and Webb crimson corduroy jacket was the fact that that man almost killed me at that parking lot! Ok maybe not kill me per se!

I rush into my car and feel under my seat for a leather satchel that had my 15 INCH MACBOOK PRO THAT WAS DESIGNED BY APPLE IN CALIFORNIA! It was there… Then I confirmed that all my books were there…

I really do not know what he was looking for… Everything he could have probably stolen were intact…

Then I checked for bombs!!!

Then checked my side mirrors… and headlights… INTACT!

Then any sort of wizardry paraphernalia that might have been set…


I drove home baffled, befuddled, bewildered, dazed, disorganized, distracted, muddled, perturbed, puzzled, abashed, addled, discombobulated, disconcerted, flummoxed, flustered, gone…

Hera mudho just means darkness exists in love…

This is for Kaira


Posted by on August 14, 2013 in comedy


Tags: , ,

13 responses to “HERA MUDHO

  1. Peter Outa

    August 15, 2013 at 7:49 am

    A good one. Just made my morning

  2. Krista

    August 15, 2013 at 8:55 am

    Honestly, I thought you were going to write a few of Musa Juma’s lines in Hera Mudho like you did with Valu valu. Great read though…

    • mydeardoris

      August 15, 2013 at 8:57 am

      Hahahhaaaaa. You are the best. Got the line from MJ.

  3. steveoyugi

    August 15, 2013 at 10:01 am

    We need to share weed bro, you can’t go on denying me this stuff, a brother writing like this definitely is using a special kind of fire

    • Lydia

      August 15, 2013 at 10:27 am

      Of people who are stingy with their blunts!!!

  4. chacha

    August 15, 2013 at 10:04 am

    i bet the guy with a firm chest like prison walls has read this post na anajua wea to look for the 15″ MACBOOK DESIGNED IN CALIFORNIA…. next time

    • mydeardoris

      August 15, 2013 at 11:02 am

      No they will not find it… Because now I will be putting it under the co-driver’s seat…

  5. besh254

    August 15, 2013 at 10:42 am

    Hahaha, I am never getting into that your car again. I didn’t know that 15 INCH MACBOOK PRO THAT WAS DESIGNED BY APPLE IN CALIFORNIA attracts tall, huge muscled Nairobi men who have keys to all cars!

  6. Winnie Ngoga

    August 15, 2013 at 2:07 pm

    An interesting read!

  7. Apaso

    August 22, 2013 at 12:04 am

    Really interesting!


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