23 Aug

My Darling Doris,

I’m terribly glad to hear your tummy has completely settled and I don’t care how fat you get – I’ll just adore every spare tyre you acquire – there’ll be all the more of you to grab and cuddle.

Doris, I have done nothing but miss you terribly ever since I last saw you as you walked away from my car when I was dropping you at the train station and can only console myself with the thought that I shall be seeing you again someday. My love, it is a very bad state of affairs to feel so horribly cut in half when one leaves another as I do you!

I know I am supposed to be writing about finishing the post about A’MAY’ZING RACE 2 but this one is a tad more pressing!

So yesterday I decided to wear my asparagus green khaki pants that my mother got me from India like 3 years ago. It is a sick pair of pants… Then I had on a white & black Next checkered shirt and a grey corduroy jacket that women totally love. Also on was a pair of Old Navy pooh green plaid boxers.. You know if you are single and the weather is this cold, you cannot afford not to look smashing… You have to have threads on that scream, ‘LOVER MATERIAL’! That and a bit of gym… But I have been to a gym once and my chest almost split open!! Weights are no joke man!

When I got off the car I felt a very peculiar breeze beneath my juggernauts… Almost like i stood a top an air vent! You know, like the famous Marilyn Monroe one… Do you know it? The famous Marilyn Monroe one? This one…

The famous Marilyn Monroe picture I am talking about

The famous Marilyn Monroe picture I am talking about

So I decide to completely ignore this peculiar breeze up until I get to my desk when I feel yet another gust of wind upon my  baby maker… When I looked down to see why all this was happening I saw the biggest rip I have ever seen on any of my pants… The seem that cuts across the crotch area was completely undone…A list of everyone that would have possibly seen this went through my head FAST! No one came to mind… Then I slapped my thighs together… It was too late to go home… Maybe it wasn’t… But Going back home and back again was almost  50KMs! The fuel to execute that mission was enough to get me to work the next day… Yes, I live with an economist!

So I promised myself my thighs would remain clasped together up until home time!

I want you to understand that I am a very jolly child and light on the legs when a Sauti Sol jam comes on… Sauti Sol or Valu Valu… Do you know Valu Valu? No? Sad!

So I am in the kitchen with some of my colleagues… I am fixing a cup-a-tea to help my zero-fat body fight this Lower Kabete cold! At this point the curse struck…

Blaring from a laptop in the boardroom, “ANOTHER ONE FOR THE LADIESSSSSS… SAUTI SOL….” Normally I lose myself completely in this song! I subliminally kick into the air… So like my brain normally works… I kicked!! And there was the gust of wind upon my balls again only this time the gust was a bit more solid… Stronger… That was the true meaning of FULL BLOWN!

The people who noticed were speechless… I did not stop dancing though… It is absolutely impossible to stop dancing to this song! When the song ended I went back to my seat with my tea like nothing had happened… I jammed my earphones into my ears and listened to TED Talks the whole time so I would not hear another Sauti Sol jam… I would shamelessly kick into the air again!

If you haven’t listened to this jam (Which I totally doubt because it is a big jam) then here it is:

As I type this I am listening to Sauti Sol’s Zosi… Another beautiful song…

And also you need to try this out LOLLIPOP




Posted by on August 23, 2013 in big beautiful women, comedy


Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

2 responses to “HOLE IN MY PANTS

  1. briannn

    September 8, 2013 at 10:12 am

    so damn hilarious!!!u shud write on a daily basis..kudos


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