14 Sep

My One and Only Doris,

As I write this I have so much going on in my mind… I am torn clean apart. My love for you diminishes slowly though I do not want it to! I am holding on to wind… It slowly escapes through my fingers… It breaks me that there is nothing I can do about… If there was ever… EVER… anything I could have possibly done about it my love… I already have…

I have sat here and watched you disrespect me… I have watched you lie to me… I have watched you turn to another man… I have written numerous letters and watch them go unanswered… I have loved you… Doris… If there’s anything I have not done for us… It has to be letting go… And I am being swept down that river… And Fast!

So much has happened since the last time I wrote… My birthday unplanned party being one of them… Nothing out of the ordinary went down… Drinking and starting fights and eating lactose ridden cakes that I should not have been eating!! The coolest thing that happened though is my dad calling me in the dead of the night ( I was in the club) and singing all four verses of “Happy Birthday…” That was cool… So I was there like:

“Whaaaat?…. Yeahhhhh….”

I do not have my glasses on so I can barely see anything I am writing… So this time the spelling mistakes might be more… Ok… WILL be more than usual!

I am a kind man… You all know this from my matatu days when I used to dish all my money to the street humans… Do you remember? I am a generous man… I am willing to share anything… ANYTHING… Except chapati… I believe that is fair… Chapati and my signed copy of THE CURIOUS INCIDENT OF THE DOG IN THE NIGHT!

I try to give a little money to the people who beg on Uhuru Highway when traffic constipates! I collect coins in my centre console during the day and dish the out on my way home from the office… Which is always like 11pm

I always have like an average 70 bob saved up for my niggas on the streets every night… What they use this money for… I do not know… And do not care really… I just know whatever it is, it is serious enough to have them put up  a woiye face every day and night out in the cold… It must be something important to them.. Something they can’t live without… Like food… or water… or drugs… or underwear… It really does not matter… I just want to help…

This has gotten me a few friends on these streets… More like highways!

This was funny...

This was funny…

Sometimes I have nothing to give these people… As in I am not Pablo Escobar… These street humans never understand this bit… They assume that so long as you are driving, you have money… THIS IS NEVER THE CASE!!!! NEVER!

They get so upset when you tell them, “Boss hakuna leo… Labda kesho!” WHICH IS THE FUCKING TRUTH!!! I know some people do not mean it when they say, …”Labda kesho…” BUT I DO… I mean I give you money everyday!!! And today I used the last coins I had to buy a mandazi at the office… WHY THE SEX WOULDNT YOU BELIEVE THAT!? They would normally walk away so pissed… They have easily forgotten that the previous night I gave you 42 bob… I know that cannot buy milk or bread with this new VAT thing… BUT YOU HAVE PROBABLY COLLECTED A GOOD SUM OF COINS SINCE MORNING…. SO DO NOT STRESS ME MAN!!!

Wah… WHere has this rage comes from… Is this kindness fake…


SO the other night I am driving home at about midnight. I have this friend on Uhuru highway… He is always set near the Barclay Plaza junction… If you use Uhuru Highway often you probably know him… He has prosthetic feet… You know him… He is my best street friend… He is cool… He has amazing short stories. Sometimes when there is traffic, he would go like… “Manze kuna hii day…”

I am losing plot….

So I am driving home and there he was.. He was very happy to see me… This VAT business had strengthened our relationship!! He comes to my window and I am way too familiar with the drill… The traffic is moving so no stories today… I reach to the centre console and there is nothing there…. A few CDs and a screw driver but no coin whatsoever!

So I go like…. “Pole labda kesho…” and at that moment I planned to get some coins for the guy…

The guy didn’t believe me… I hate it when I am telling the truth and no one believes me…. I get pissed… Feels like Carrey from Homeland… I go mad! Everyone does, yes?

“Sasa unaninyima chakula…” He says… Now following the car…. His statement struck a chord… I almost stopped the car to KIDERO him… Hahahaha! Get it? To KIDERO him… HAHAHAHA! I excite myself!

So to make him believe, I yank out my wallet and show it to him… It had nothing… Be warned that traffic is moving and everything thats going on IS ON THE MOVE!

With the speed of the devil this guy puts his hand in the car and snatches my wallet and turns back… He is making a run for it… Or trying to…. There are a few things you cannot do without legs… I think… one of them is what this guy was trying…

I get out of my car and walk after him! He does not stop for a short while until it hits him that he is fighting a losing battle…

He turns towards me and says…. “Ndio hii walenje… Turudi kwa gari…” (Here is your wallet, lets go back to the car!) I take back my wallet and we walk to the car!

“Ebu angalia tena… Hakuna kabisa?” He asks…. (Check again… Sure theres absolutely nothing!?)

I get into my car and drive off…

“Kesho bas…” He says (Tomorrow then)


This might be the last letter I write up until after the Storymoja Hay Festival… It is busy at the office trying to bring it together… I hope you all can make it. It is going to be amazing… Teju Cole will be there… Warsan Shire…. And like 20 other great people…

This is for the woman sitting next to me…

Facebook cover photo

1 Comment

Posted by on September 14, 2013 in comedy, my car


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One response to “LABDA KESHO

  1. briannn

    September 19, 2013 at 10:39 am

    hahah cant wait for next letter


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