05 Nov

Dear Doris,

Good evening my one and only… My one and only means the only woman I am sleeping with… So I am guessing I am not your one and only… But I am not worried… It is my feelings that matter… And I say, you are my one and only… How many men have you slept with since we last saw each other? Six? Sixty? Do not answer that question… Your utter attractiveness should reflect on that number… And we all know how extremely attractive you are… So…

Let me stop stressing myself…

My phone has just alerted me that the battery is low… This is the first time it has done that since I bought it… The charge takes a week… It is a Nokia Asha 205 or something like that… You remember I lost my phone right? I am using this one up until the CID guys get mine… Which does not look like it is going to be anytime soon… They keep asking me to Mpesa monies for random things… And I Mpesa… Because I am stupid…. Stupidly in love with my phone… This one has a Facebook button… It is funny… It costed me 9000 bongo points… Anyhu…

The other day I went shopping for stuff for the house with Alexander Muge… This was at Uchumi Sarit…

Got this randomly from the internet: This was the best lunch I had at Barding... Pork...

Got this randomly online: This was the best lunch I had at Barding… Pork… 

My old phone had this application called ‘Out Of Milk’ that had a built-in list of everything you might possibly need to buy from the store… Try it out… With a Nokia Asha, I have to go through every aisle looking for things so I don’t forget anything!

Alexander was pushing my trolley as I put things inside…

We came across random car keys on the floor at some point… I am freaked out by such things… Maybe it’s an ambush of some kind… So I told Alexander Muge to pick it up as I looked around for a SWAT team… Nothing happened… I took them from him and decided to take them to the customer care desk… At this point I asks d Alexander Muge to keep shopping and to include everything he might think is important.

I was gone for about 10 minutes…

When I came back, the trolley was full to the top! Be advised that he had not even moved much… These were the things Alexander Muge added into the trolley:

  1. 100 metre synthetic rope
  2. A broom (The soft ones made of reeds)
  3. That circular thing that has pegs and people use to hang underwear
  4. Steel wool (the really huge one… Really really huge one)
  5. 20 litre cleaning detergent
  6. Body scrub

I can’t remember the rest.

When I asked him how those thing were important he got violent…

“How can you ask me to include important things then come back to ask me how they are important!?”

The kid had a point… So I asked,”Sawa… Why did you include a mtungi of detergent?”

Without even thinking, he responded,”It was cheap…” The walked away!

I told him to put everything that he had brought back…

Alexander is currently on a mission… He is seducing her land lady for the rent to go down… Things are not working as fast as he anticipated though… All he has achieved is, and I quote, ‘I am now allowed to pay my rent as late as the 10th!’

On our way out of Sarit, the lights went out and Alexander Muge shouted,”WESTGATE!”


Posted by on November 5, 2013 in comedy, short comings


Tags: , , , , , , ,


  1. Martin

    November 6, 2013 at 12:46 pm

    Hahahahahaha. Hilarious as usual. Kwanza this one… “On our way out of Sarit, the lights went out and Alexander Muge shouted,”WESTGATE!”

  2. Beatrice Nyariara (@BeateWN)

    November 6, 2013 at 1:02 pm

    100 metre synthetic rope??? Wee talk to Muge, whats the purpose.
    WESTGATE lol!!!!!

  3. Posh

    November 6, 2013 at 4:53 pm

    Ghai Ian…super hilarious.

  4. Kawi

    November 7, 2013 at 12:57 pm

    You always know how and when to evoke laughter, even at the end, my colleague must have given me an awkward look, totally unexpected.

  5. mmnjug

    November 9, 2013 at 10:20 am

    Hahahaha!! Synthetic rope and steel wool? Your Alexander has joke besides Westgate! Hahaha!

  6. Lee

    November 14, 2013 at 2:25 pm

    Gosh! This your best friend is crazy!

  7. Jang'o Unchained (@viru5detected)

    December 2, 2013 at 9:18 am

    Based on the above mentioned list I think your friend Alexander is a serial killer. Those are things Dexter would consider important


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