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HOW TO DRIVE HOME DRUNK!

28 Nov

Dear Doris,

How do you do… I miss your beauty… I miss the gentleness in your voice… I miss your cheeky laugh… and I miss running my fingers through your hair… But above all, I miss your tiny feet… Your chubby toes… Perfection!

I am currently using stolen internet… My neighbour thinks it is a brilliant idea leaving a network unprotected in a court with like 50 houses… I guess all 49 of us are perched on here seeing how slow it is… My 15GB Bioshock is only quarter way and I have been torrenting for 4 days now!

I was reading Russell Brand’s memoir, My Booky Wook  before I started writing this… I had work in Kayole today (Do not ask) And I could not use my car, so I decided to buy a book for the journey… This one here was an excellent choice!

I got new glasses today, fit with a new prescription… so shit is super clear. I went to get it with Alexander Muge. When I told him I could barely see in my old ones (had them for just over a year now), he asked how I drive home drunk blind… I drive home drunk sometimes… I am not proud of it… Do not judge me unless you know a guy who deals in cars that drive themselves!

Drunk_DrivingHere is how you drive drunk:

1. Maintain a maximum speed of 70KMpH! Not too slow and not too fast! I will explain! You must be wondering why I am not advising people to drive at 5KMpH… Well, when you are going at 5KMpH (slow) it is extremely easy to fall asleep… SO you need some thrill… Going at 70KMpH, your brain will not let you sleep… Ok my brain will not let me fall asleep…

2. Roll down all the windows… Just do it! I do not know how to explain this…

3. No shortcuts home… Use the most familiar road home – or to wherever you are going drunk… Using a new road that you might think you know is not cool… You do not want to get lost drunk… Trust me… Once I was trying this new shortcut home from Westlands… I found myself at Muthaiga Shopping Centre… I live in Madaraka…

4. Turn the radio off… It has been proven that it is easier to fall asleep with the radio on than without… How many times have you fallen asleep with your earphones on listening to rock? So no music… I am lying about the proven part but just listen to me!

5. This point is the stupidest and the most important… Drive right in the middle of the road! Make sure the white/yellow broken light is right under your car! Be advised that this is illegal and very dangerous… But I shit you not, there is no place more safe than here! You get to know when you are going out of the road!!! If you lose this line… FREAK OUT! FIND THAT LINE! If you can’t find it ensure that you are not in a ditch or above a roundabout! Most roads do not have these markings… If this is the case, stop drinking where you are drinking… They probably use formaldehyde… You might know it as formalin!

6. If the road home is not marked, then drive on the side with the most grass… You are assured safe landing if anything happens then…

If you follow those simple instructions, you might get home safe. Or close to safe… Or not so safe… But you will get home.

So do not drink and drive… That way, you get to drive at 180KMpH listening to whatever music you want with the windows up (its warmer in the car that way) and driving on the right side of the road… And you can take whatever shortcut you want!

Or just walk…

Homer-Simpson-quote-on-Drunk-Driving

 

 

 

“I couldn’t possibly have sex with someone with such a slender grasp on grammar!” – Russell Brand

 

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14 Comments

Posted by on November 28, 2013 in comedy

 

Tags: , , , , ,

14 responses to “HOW TO DRIVE HOME DRUNK!

  1. mmnjug

    November 28, 2013 at 10:10 am

    Just walk, or crawl home…. 🙂

     
  2. Kei

    December 4, 2013 at 2:05 am

    Thank u man… Another mystery resolved. Now to learn how to fly while high

     
  3. MichelleAnekeya

    January 7, 2014 at 4:13 pm

    Just made my afternoon.

     
  4. MichelleAnekeya

    January 7, 2014 at 4:14 pm

    Reblogged this on Michelle's Bucket List.

     
  5. Mary Stellar

    January 29, 2014 at 10:27 pm

    best advice…drive in the middle of the road!lol!

     
  6. Oduor Abong'o

    January 30, 2014 at 11:08 am

    Very witty! All makes sense
    And I totally agree with Russel Brand there

     
  7. Ken

    January 31, 2014 at 5:54 am

    Idiot!

     
  8. Shamim Omary (@OmaryShamim)

    January 31, 2014 at 11:24 am

    number 5 and 6 ….am dead

     
  9. Lydiah

    January 31, 2014 at 2:01 pm

    Your hilarious, and i say this having read more than 10 other blogs including Bikozulu. Officially my top fan page for…..ummm for the moment. 🙂

     
    • mydeardoris

      January 31, 2014 at 7:42 pm

      Hehee. The moment is good enough… many ‘the moments’ coming right up…

       
  10. ivy

    March 27, 2014 at 9:09 am

    i started reading your blog yesterday and i have to see your a genius…hilariously blessed..Thank You soo much..

     

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