06 Dec

My Dearest Doris,

I am watching Hobbit from the side of my eye as I type this… Yes I have not watched it before… I have read it though… I do not like watching movies of which I have read the books to… This is because, I have developed characters in my head from the book… They have particular faces… Particular walks… Particular voices and particular clothing… Then a movie forces faces and walks and voices in your head… I like my own characters… So there.

Are you well my love… It has been raining camels and koalas in Nairobi… But we know all conversations that begin with a random update on the weather, go south! SO enough about things we cannot control!

My niece is getting married on Sunday… That is day after tomorrow… The dress code/theme is 50’s. DO you know how hard it is to put an outfit together that goes with this theme? I know I could throw in a pair of suspenders and a three-piece suit with a random fedora that matches my bow tie – but everyone else will have that… Easy way out… So I did my research and came up with something…

The other day Alexander Muge, Biko (my tailor) and I went out to buy a lesso. I wanted something very particular… A heavily printed design so long as it had magenta on it! I got a few but those things are so damn expensive! First of all you cannot buy a single less… They come in twos! The cheapest pair I got was 950! I only needed a tiny piece though… A piece the size of a Scrabble board!

*Dwarfs are singing in the movie as they stomp their feet… It is irritating so I have muted the thing*

This was from an article called, "Emojis We Really Need!" I think!

This was from an article called, “Emojis We Really Need!” I think!

Back to the lessos!

I was willing to spend 300 bob on a less and nothing more! We got to this Indian shop on Biashara street… The place was crawling with customers! My brother called me immediately we got in so most of the 5 minutes we were in that shop was spent on the phone… Alexander & Biko kept on showing me different less designs… It was clear that the two men who accompanied me had no clue what magenta was!

They got exactly what I wanted after a few tries though… They were talking to a black attendant. The guy had a terrible sense of style! It is not acceptable to wear white shoes and a black belt! That is even pushing it too far… It is unacceptable to wear white official leather shoes… Unacceptable!

The less in discussion was picked up from a box that had ‘800/=’ written on it, so I was not paying much attention!

“Leta five uchukue hii kiplani!” I overheard the attendant whisper to Biko who signals me asking if I had five hundred bob… I ignore…

“Mshow niko na soo tatu!” I tell Biko… I am still on the phone by the way!

“Leta!” The attendant says after a short while… “Ingiza kwa bag usionwe!” He tells Alexander Muge! Alexander Muge does as he is told… The boy is shaking like a leaf though!

“Fanya haraka!” I spit harshly at him! “I do not know how to steal bwana!” He responds and zips the bag!

“Tokeni hapa!” The attendant orders as he pocketed the 300 bob! We leave immediately! Outside the shop we laugh and exchange bits of what had just happened!

I relize I forgot to buy something from the shop… You know those huge kitenge buttons? Yeah! Each was 100 bob at the shop… I needed 3 magenta ones!

We have a small discussion on if we could go back to get those buttons or not! “Nyinyi ni macoward… Twendeni niwashow jinsi ya judo hii mambo!” Alexander says… We follow the guy!

When we got to the shop, Alexander Muge walks straight to the attendant who just stole for us the lessos and throws 30 shillings on the counter…

“Boss, nipe hizo vifungu tatu… Biz ya haraka… Chapa ilale!” Alexander says as he points at the buttons! The attendant almost pissed his pants! He handed 3 buttons to Alexander Muge and we left the shop as mysteriously as we had come in!



Posted by on December 6, 2013 in comedy


Tags: ,

5 responses to “ONCE BITTEN, THRICE SHY!

  1. lydzayar

    December 9, 2013 at 12:37 pm

    Lol. I love Alex Muge. This is becoming; Dear Doris read about my friend Alex. Am not complaining though.
    Hahaha. Chapa ilale, always find this funny.

  2. Eric Uc Philip

    January 19, 2014 at 2:43 pm

    i am interested in this one call me at +221771378724

  3. Wilmaa

    January 29, 2014 at 8:16 pm

    Hobbit is VERY boring!

    The wedding was very beautiful. 🙂

  4. Sucre

    January 30, 2014 at 11:30 am

    the wedding was at maxwell?


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