RSS

HOW TO ABDUCT A PROSTITUTE

07 Jan

My Lovely Doris,

Happy new year my love. I had planned to write to you yesterday night but I almost lost a finger when I slammed the door on it, a fact you have to keep in mind for I will bring it up later on… I am finding it extremely hard to type this because of this. But My Doris, what pain can’t I go through to talk to you… What mountain cant I climb to be with you…. What river cant I swim Doris… What keyboard cant I type on with a busted finger???

Nothing can keep me away from you…

20140101_001527

The pants I ripped at the dancing competition!

Oh, and I won a fridge at a dancing competition at a New Years Party 🙂 I tore my pants during the process…

Because it is really hard for me to type, I beg you to please forgive me, for this will be a short letter…

I was at my parents house in Kileleshwa yesterday for dinner at about 4pm… That is where I slammed the door on my finger. This was so painful that I went straight to sleep. I got up at about 7pm to eat. But this is not the story!

I couldn’t open my car door now that it does not have those fancy things on the key holder people press on to give a funny whistle and open doors… My door is old school… You have to not only twist the keys but TWIST  REALLY HARD! With my woiye finger, this was impossible, so he watchman helped open the door… Valet nini nini!

Driving home, my brother calls and asks me to get him cigarettes on my way home… So I stop at Amazon to buy a pack.

Now listen very carefully…

When coming out of the car I locked the door from inside forgetting I could not unlock it by myself… So after getting the cigarettes, I stood next to my car feeling a bit stupid…. I had to ask for help… The only people in sight at the time were: The guard at the ATM machines, The Kula Korna attendant (who was inside the store) and a random prostitute… The prostitute was closest to me and in very many ways, the most appropriate candidate. So…

“Excuse me… Please come help me open my door… I hurt my hand…” Like I was raised…. I ASKED POLITELY…

The guard at the ATM machines heard what I said and started walking towards us…

Now before I explain to you all the drama that ensued, I need you to know something… What I just did was the perfect way to abduct a prostitute… You ask her to open the door for you and once they do, you push them inside and drive off… Apparently, I am the only person in that area at that particular time that did not know this fact… The guard explained in a raised voice.

“Huyu fala anataka kunibaka nini, wadhani mi dush nini?” The prostitute shouts…

She was very light-skinned… The prostitute that is… Her hair was nothing beyond an inch and was greasy and curly! She had on a white vest and a terrible jean skirt that only covered her pelvis area… The skirt was so short it could pass for a belt! Her thighs were not as light as her face… And her face was lighter than her hands… She looked like a collage! A human made from different human beings…. SHe had green heels that had shinny studs on them… You know the new design with spikes? She had a red shiny clutch purse that was held tightly under her arm-pit! Coming to think of it, she was dressed in the Kenyan flag colours…

Be advised that prostitutes really know how to start drama… The watchman was right next to her saying… “Tumewaona wengi boss…. Tumewaona wengi! Tunawajua nyinyi!”

NOTE: My Swahili is terrible and everything I write in the same  is not too accurate.

This is today in a bus to work... The struggle is real!

This is today in a bus to work… The struggle is real!

These two human beings had made the whole fuel station come to a stand still… And do you know the painful thing, I COULD NOT GET INTO MY FUCKIN CAR!!!!  I dropped my keys twice fumbling with the lock…. I gave up and just stood there…

The prostitute was now hitting my car calling me ‘rapist’… “You rapist… You rapist!” she went on and on… I could tell she was Kikuyu because the more she said ‘rapist’ the more the ‘R’ got lost… No offence… I am already a rapist, I do not want to be a tribalist as ell….

There was a small crowd that had surrounded me at this point… But no one was willing to listen to what I had to say…

A relatively smartly dressed man got to where we were and asked to see this finger I was talking about. He was a short man so he was not very intimidating as he thought he was. He had black pants, a white shirt and a red tie. His stomach had exceeded his shirt… Diamond shaped spaces formed in between his shirt buttons… One of his legs was shorter than the other one, this was evident from his limp. His glasses sat on his nose with no symmetry whatsoever. He was definitely in charge. He took me inside the wine store where there was a bit of light. Luckily, my finger was a bit black and it was a bit clear that I was not well.

So because of all the drama I caused, I was told never to go back there. The strange man walked me to my car, opened my door and said, “Please never come back here again…

___

I have just heard someone say a woman should MATTER… That is, Have weight and occupy space 😀 I have died many small deaths!

____

My next post will be ‘What To Wear On Your First Date: A Manual For Women

 

Advertisements
 
12 Comments

Posted by on January 7, 2014 in matatu tales, my car

 

Tags: , , , , , , , ,

12 responses to “HOW TO ABDUCT A PROSTITUTE

  1. elovepoetry

    January 8, 2014 at 9:54 am

    Nice piece, humourous as well. Keep it up, dude!

     
  2. Posh

    January 9, 2014 at 2:32 pm

    LOL Ian! We need more of you this year. Pole about that finger btw

     
  3. Genesis

    January 15, 2014 at 8:44 am

    splended write up favorited you

     
  4. Melanie

    January 17, 2014 at 2:32 pm

    Very good blog.Much thanks again. Fantastic.

     
  5. Beatrice Nyariara (@BeateWN)

    January 17, 2014 at 6:04 pm

    Hope the finger healed….we need more letters…

     
    • mydeardoris

      January 17, 2014 at 6:13 pm

      It healed… haha. Writing one now!

       
  6. middleclasskenyan

    January 29, 2014 at 11:45 pm

    lmfao, glad i found this

     
  7. Chao Kituri (@chao_kituri)

    January 30, 2014 at 6:34 pm

    Seriously?!?!?!? Oh you short fingered rapist….lol!!!!

     
  8. Ivy Aluoch

    February 5, 2014 at 11:42 am

    i just found ur page accidently.this is the first post av jst read n i am luving it alrdy…….am nw planning to read all the rest,by today.

     
    • mydeardoris

      February 5, 2014 at 12:10 pm

      Hehe. Thank you. Read alcoblow sucks 🙂

       
  9. Muthoni

    May 28, 2014 at 4:57 pm

    This post has left me in tears! Love it! Can’t wait to read all the letters.

     

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

 
%d bloggers like this: