ALCOBLOW SUCKS…

Dear Doris,

Just shut up and listen…

It is Tuesday… The following takes place between Friday 2am and Monday 4pm…

I was driving home a tad tipsy Friday morning at about 2am following every detail I taught you on my letter, HOW TO DRIVE HOME DRUNK. I was driving in the middle of the road and all…

When I got to Madaraka roundabout, I was stopped by cops…

Now you see we had talked about this earlier in the club… If you see cops… Reverse… ESCAPE! This is a tad difficult with 10 cars or so behind you! So I stop..

“Kijana toka toka toka… Leo ni leo… Toka…” A cop sermons me out of the car… You see, I was not drunk… But I was far from sober! I am guided to the bonnet of a cop land rover where a second cop handed me something I was supposed to make sure hadn’t been tampered with… Then he asks me to unwrap it.. It was a nozzle for the alcoblow… He fixes it to the machine and asks me to blow… I hadn’t had much to drink so I was sure I was safe… So I blow…

Let me explain… A reading of 0.35 and below is the legal limit… Before I was even done blowing into the thing, mine was at 0.52… By the time I was done, it was 0.57… I was an aspiring criminal!

Now you see, these people can always be bribed… I think I had 800 bob that I was extremely willing to give these guys… Plus my house was just around the corner… I do not encourage corruption, but if the time is 2am in the morning and there is a possibility you will spend the night in a police cell, the law can be revised a little.

I was held by the back of my pants and thrown into the land rover…

“Boss…. Cheki… nina soo nane!?” I whisper just before he lets go…The man CLEARLY didn’t know the code of secrets… WHISPER!

“Hio weka uongeze 19,200 ufike bail… Unalala ndani…” He shouts back! The arrogance in his voice was above optimum average… This one couldn’t be bought… Which by the way is a good thing… If it is like daytime… IT WAS 2am…

My phone battery at the time was at 12%… That on an android OS means 7 minutes or less…

I call my brother… He doesn’t pick up….

I call a cousin… Doesn’t pick up…

“Boss, usimalize moto… Niko na plan… Pigia hii number… Ni bro wangu… Ni military police…” The guy next to me says… He was completely drunk and couldn’t shut up… He was very stubborn and kept throwing insults at the cops…

“Salary ya 15,000 ndio maana mumejam hivi. Si mungehanda wa Westgate hivi viserious pia!” He muttered!

“Kwani nilinunua pombe na pesa ya nyanyako…” He told one cop who got so pissed that he handcuffed him… TO ME! I was quite silent… Shaking my ass off from cold and extreme fear! Then by some miracle I get to my brother and cousin who both come to where I was…

After about an hour or so, the land rover was bursting with sponges.Every one of them trying to convince the police that they had not taken much! The place reeked of booze… The man next to me kept on tagging on the handcuffs that got tighter by his every stupid move… If he was any smaller, I would have strangled him with the cuffs!

“Tukikojolea hii pingu itatokana…” he suggested!

The last guy to be thrown into the land rover was apparently KDF… He had the temper of a praying mantis! He was fighting everyone… He hit the cops and hit the drunkards… Then a female cop said to him, “Tulia we mlevi…”

He punched her so hard on the face… “Ananiua… Ananiua….” The cop yelped… The KDF guy too was then handcuffed to the bars in the land rover!

I kept on calling my brother and cousin to make sure they were onto of things and I was not going to sleep in a police cell… Their tones were quite convincing so I calmed down and so did my phone… As in it died…

We were driven to Muthaiga Police Station… This fat guy kept on telling people the way his dad could fix the situation and all of us would be set free before we even got to where we were going… I think his dad played quidich!

We were matched into the police station and our names recorded!

Do you know how difficult it is to deal with drunkards??? People kept on giving wrong names… Others got violent… Others broke down!

I needed to take a piss… So I asked the nearest cop… This was not a good idea… I was handcuffed from the back and shown to the latrines…

Now let me explain… Men need both hands to undertake this natural act… If not both, then AT LEAST, one hand… Now, with both my hands cuffed at the back, I couldn’t even get my zipper… So I just stood there for a while then went back inside… My bladder was going to explode…

Everyone was then thrown in a dark room… I could feel the dumpiness of the concrete beneath my feet… Do you know how you can tell piss when you step on it? The viscosity of urine cannot be compared to any liquid… Then the smell… Unless someone poured a considerable amount of ammonia on the floor, I couldn’t be convinced otherwise!

Funny thing is, we were thrown in with all our possessions. Nothing was taken from us… You know how belts and shoe laces should always be taken away?! NOTHING! I mean, someone could have easily carried a knife or a gun… or a dildo! How can you lock 100 men in a dark room and don’t check their pockets… This fact will be useful in a bit!

I walked till the end of the room until I could feel the wall… Then I turned my back agains the wall…

Let me describe the room… The place was so dark I could barely see the human standing next to me. It wasn’t a big room… Bit it was divided into three cubicles… One had criminals… The next DUIs and the third was the shitter… It was from the third room that urine made its way neatly into the other two rooms… Mosquitoes fat with malaria buzzed all over the place… I completely ignored the possibility of bedbugs and lice!

On my way to the end of the room, I felt someone reaching into my pocket… I HOPE IT WAS FOR MY POCKET! So when I got to the wall, I took out my phone and wallet and shoved them into my boxers then crossed my legs!!! This, I now see, was not a great idea.. But it worked…

This was me (guy in burgandy) on TV in court… See the fear in my face?!

Again, anyone could have carried anything… So two men lit up a blunt and smoked away… Another man lit a cigarette and in no time the whole place was a cloud of cancer! The ventilation was pathetic… Tiny openings near the roof fed the tiny cell with oxygen!

I got really tired of standing with my legs crossed so I decided to sit… This was not a good idea either… Sitting on concrete laminated in urine is not a party… But I needed to sit!

I couldn’t sleep though… The men standing next to me were talking in a language I couldn’t understand… In my head they were saying,”Let me hold him from the front as you take him from the back… The we switch!” I was WIDE AWAKE!

At about 5, four guys were taken out… Maybe for the guillotines, I do not know!

I make friends… Drunkards make cool friends…

I heard my name being called out at about 6:30am… The sun was out and men lay asleep… On fuckin piss!

I was free… With a cash bail of 20,000/- and a court date…

THE COURT: MONDAY

I was ordered to appear before the Chief Magistrate Millimani Court on Monday at 8am!

I called a c few people to check how much the fine was and the process… For everyone I called I got a different answer…

The first person I called was Alexander Muge’s cousin who is some big cop… “The fine will not be anything above 30,000/-. Make sure you go with someone who will pay it for you…”

Second person: “100,000! But I can help you… I could make your case file disappear!”

Third person: “Last week guys paid 60,000/=”

Fourth: “Your cash bail will be used… So 20,000/=”

Fifth: “6 months in prison! I heard they want to teach DUIs a lesson!”

Sixth: “It can be 500 or 100,000… I suggest you get 100,000 to be safe…”

As you can see, this was thoroughly confusing!

So I did my averages and got myself 80,000 and prayed… I was in court by 7am… Like the good citizen I am! We were not let in until 7:30am…

DUIs were to appear in courtroom 9… When I got there, we were told that we were too many and our files were not ready… The man advised us to go for breakfast and come back at 11am… I didn’t leave… I sat there and waited till 11am…

WE WERE MANY! Easily 300 people… The courtroom was full… The smell of sweat was the anthem… The media was present… Cameras flashed light every second… I felt like Lady Gaga for a while…

So because of our numbers, a register was called out… The judge called out every single one on that list… All you had to do was respond, “Present you Honour!” If the judge called out your name twice with no answer, a warranty of arrest was immediately issued…

After everyone was called, the judge asked if we were all guilty to which everyone shouted, “YESSSS YOUR HONOUR!”

Then everyone was given a chance for mitigation… The stories were hilarious…

Story one: “Afande mimi sikukunywa hata mingi… Lakini nakubali mashtaka…Niko na mtoto… Tafadhali nionee huruma!”

Story two: ” I only took two WHite Caps… I have since switched to juice. Si hats lie ya delmonte in aka bombe bombe!!”

Story three: “Your honour, me just tell me today how many bottles of beer I should drink so that next time I am here, I say you gave me permission!”

And many more….

The judge was so amused and decided to fine most of us 20,000/= So our cash bail money was used as fine money… This was a long process…

I left the court of law at 4pm a free man! I went home and bought myself nice things… Like chips and sausages…

Now that I have been in JAIL; I am working on my first rap album!