10 Reasons Why I Hate Lupita

06 Mar

My Lovely Doris,

I am happy today! Even if you haven’t replied any of my 265 letters that I have sent you since you left… I can’t be bothered by your ill manners… I can’t be bothered at all! But that does not mean I have stopped loving you, even though you have given me every reason to! Mine for you will always be endless love… I will swim the.. I take that back… I will just drive to wherever you are!

Oh, and who hates Lupita… Who could possibly not like her? I might just change my women preference to dark skinned tiny girls with Oscars in Nairobi Blue Dresses. YOU GO Lupita! If by any chance you are reading this, you should audition for Storm in the next Xmen – You would be brilliant flying around emitting lightning from your eyes. Congratulations you beautiful woman!

In less depressing news, I fell from a chair the other day!

I was at my parents house in Kileleshwa for dinner! My parents have a lot of church meetings at the house and I walked right in to one!

Long story short, I end up in the kitchen. If your deduction of situations is of any worth you should have probably guessed there was a lot of food… Visitors and food most of the time go together… Look at funerals and weddings… Both extremes are covered!

I get a plastic chair in the kitchen and after warming 3 chapatis, rice and chicken, I set my buttocks immaculately on the plastic seat! 6 people in the kitchen and not a single one was sitting on it should have been the first sign! I felt one leg struggle to hold my weight… which could pass for no weight at all! I clenched them just a bit… Does that happen to you? When the chair you are sitting on almost gives in to your weight? Like you clench your buttocks just a bit? Does it? It is almost like your brain automatically readies your body for a fall… But that is not my story… I am sure you can find that in a science book… Maybe Abott Physics!

Where was I?

Yes, I set my buttock immaculately on the plastic seat and commenced on through discombobulation of the fowl and grain on my plate!

I had my laptop bag (It is 100 ox leather and it contains a MacBook Pro – Read jaluo!)! I placed this on my lap and my food onto of it… If you are any good in physics, you have probably deduced that my COG (centre of gravity) is on my shoulder! This is terrible for balance!

Whatever happened in the next 3 seconds is a blur! Not a blur really… I remember every micro-second of it… I just felt like the sentence, ‘whatever happened in the next 3 seconds -‘ should end with, ‘was a blur’!

One leg gave in to my weight and broke… I clenched my buttocks… My plate was thrown violently into the air! I held half a half eaten chapati on one hand that my brain couldn’t let me let go of! My computer… Where was my computer!?

I saw pieces of fowl get flung into mid-air… Have you watched Gravity? The way Sandra Bullock is thrown into nothingness? Yes… Now just interchange that with chicken thigh and breast!!

I can’t remember hitting the floor, but I can remember being on the floor with rice all over my face!

I couldn’t find my glasses and 3 women and 3 men stood around me! Looking! No one trying to help me up…

The floor was warm… I spotted the fowl’s thigh under the fridge. Rice was all over the floor. My computer was outside its ox bag… I mean my MacBook Pro was outside the bag. But the chapati was still held tight in my grip…

Amos, our Master Chef, wanted to laugh so badly! A few seconds ago he was showering me with praises, saying how great I was and the next I was on the floor with a chapati in my hand and rice on my face!

I got up slowly and walked out of the house using the back door… My brain wasn’t working very well so I answered a fake call… I do not understand why… I think it’s because I hit my head on the freezer!

Amos is telling people I cried… This is also to let the world know that I didn’t cry! Big boys don’t cry!

I finished my chapati by the way!


Dear Doris has been nominated for the BAKE awards for Best Kenyan Blog & Best Creative Blog.

Please VOTE and SHARE!

It is because of you we got here… and it is because of you we will win this! You have all been amazing!

To vote, go to and select Dear Doris ( under Best Creative Blog and Best Kenyan Blog. Then submit your vote by clicking on the green button at the bottom of the page.

Doris and I are counting on your vote

Thank You!




Posted by on March 6, 2014 in comedy


Tags: , , , , , , , , ,

20 responses to “10 Reasons Why I Hate Lupita

  1. Mak'Omondi

    March 6, 2014 at 2:58 pm

    No one understood why I laughed so hard in the office. But anyway Giniwasekao!

  2. alice mwalimo

    March 6, 2014 at 3:07 pm

    hehehehehehe aki yor funny this blog is the best stress reliever

  3. deboiye

    March 6, 2014 at 3:16 pm

    Ian were the attach3 chapatis on the plate or ur holding them on your hands, Anyway be strong

    Eric Oiye Factory Manager Cement Innovations ltd Cell:0705412572/0728085657 For Quality Precast Concrete Building Materials and Products

    Sent from Samsung tablet Dear Doris wrote:

  4. Soni

    March 6, 2014 at 3:31 pm

    Ian you’re a H.O.T mess!!!! Hahaha:) Ps. I’ll definitely vote for you,yours is an AWESOME blog!!!!

  5. webbandit

    March 6, 2014 at 3:33 pm

    You sir have made my day. Good luck at those BAKE thingies.

  6. Joseph Kamwara Githae

    March 6, 2014 at 3:51 pm

    discombobulation #dead
    Sent from my SameSung Galaxy 6

  7. lydzayar

    March 6, 2014 at 4:20 pm

    Voted a while back. Good piece as always.
    You should have eaten your food off the floor, own the fall.

  8. Christine

    March 6, 2014 at 4:45 pm

    Hahaha Wasekao 🙂

  9. Regina Dárlìng'

    March 6, 2014 at 4:45 pm

    Don’t you proof read your work before posting it? What is ”… and my food onto of it…”?

    • LeAnne Peris

      April 24, 2014 at 7:44 pm

      Regina Darling, Ian intentionally errors in his writing… to keep it interesting… he proof reads it and even adds more mistakes… just to get you to question his sanity 🙂 its unique literacy

  10. Shiko N.

    March 6, 2014 at 11:20 pm

    I have just died – Death by laughter! Good one Ian. I love how vividly you write. Keep it up and all the best, my vote is in!

  11. Liama Dawn

    March 7, 2014 at 9:46 am

    Yaay! I hope Dear Doris wins! Lottsa love and support from Liama *you are the bomb dear*

  12. Valid Dreamer (@CptWalubengo)

    March 7, 2014 at 11:39 am

    How the Mac Book Pro designed by Apple in Carlifornia hit the floor and a chapati whose ingredients come from Industrial area didn’t baffles me. Dear Doris has to win this #Giniwasekao!

  13. Denis Gate

    March 7, 2014 at 1:33 pm

    you should have picked the kuku’s thigh. I bet there are no pathogens under the fridge.

  14. Eddy Ongili

    March 7, 2014 at 6:14 pm

    Just stumbled on this blog. And you are just something else — the fun I am having. Thanks

  15. adam

    March 7, 2014 at 8:32 pm

    Very entertaining blog this is. In this particular one, I didn’t find the ten reasons though…

  16. mumbishokey

    March 8, 2014 at 9:29 am

    Hahaha too funny!!
    Yes I voted:)

  17. Lee

    March 10, 2014 at 7:39 pm


  18. carolmunga

    March 26, 2014 at 3:20 pm

    Am in *stitches*..serious laughter gallore.Have voted!

  19. optimusthe1

    June 27, 2014 at 4:46 pm

    Dude, you have made my Friday afternoon….It’s been a while but good stuff as usual!


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: