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BEDBUGS AND SEX

12 Mar

My Lovely Doris,

Woman, so experts say I have to write to you more often to stand a chance winning this thing at all… Tricky bit is, I have to be riddled with misfortunes to make this happen… I never have flowery stories that are full of love, cars and money and chapati to write…

How are you my love? A little birdy told me you are having pains on our thigh… I hope you are alright now. Why are you having pains on your thigh? Is it another man my love… Do your thighs hurt from the… You know what, forget it… I do not have much to say today, but I will say it either way!

As I write this, two of my colleagues are arguing about man visiting Mars… It is funny!

Because nothing dramatic has happened to me since my last letter, I will have to dig something from the past… And what greater period exists than Barding? If you have been reading this blog you definitely know Barding… This is the high school I went to… A forest and a great hill away from Kogelo… That is far… No water or electricity with bedbugs the size of a medium sized Dell mouse! Ok I am lying about the size of the bedbugs, they might have been a bit bigger! This letter is not about the school though, you can read more under the Barding Tales category.

I think I was in form three and we had just gone for an outing… In the middle of Luo land we called them outings… Not funkees… Did I even spell that right?! An outing was exactly what the name depicts, a day out of the penitentiary! We didn’t have a bus, so the school hired a van… This made more that 20 people leave the school at the same time a bit tricky… The school could afford only one van at a time… UNLESS the team being sent out was extremely promising…

Where was I? Yes, outing!

We had gone to Ng’iya girls, which was absolute heaven really… The smartest girls in the district! Smart and pretty… Naive teenage girls running all over the place in blue skirts and white shirts. Giggling like piglets… Some donning magnificent red sweaters… Whats that bird that shows off its red chest when ready for mating? Yes…

We had gone for a basketball tournament! Not with the girls… With boy schools from the region… Our school was not the best basketball team in the area though… I think we lost every game we played that day! In fact I am sute we lost every game we played! This is not the best for one’s PR, considering one had to mingle after the games… Failure is never good for PR! If you add the fact that back at school, water is scarce and might have skived bathing… Well, you can tell where that is going!

RANDOM FACT: BARDING WAS 55th IN THE 2013 KCSE EXAMS! Ululation!

The games are done… I change into uniform (green trousers, blue shirt, green tie, green sweater and black shoes) I think I looked way better in this that lime green basketball jersey with brilliant red stripes on the side!

In my smart casual wear, I scan the grounds for potential candidates… I am looking for light skin (shows dirt easy), big bones (they have big hearts), long hair, short nails, probably holding a book (plus points if it is Abott Physics), donning a wrist watch (a woman who takes her time very seriously), and in sandals (Bata slippers – i like feet. Plus point if they are red to match her sweater! Blue skirt and blue Bata slippers is just too much blue!)

This was taken on the exact day this happened... Can you see Ng'iya girls in blue skirts at the back? Can you see me seated... Stressed? Then can you see the girl on the top right? Soooo funny!

This was taken on the exact day this happened… Can you see Ng’iya girls in blue skirts at the back? Can you see me seated… Stressed? Then can you see the girl on the top right? Soooo funny!

It is near impossible to find all these in a woman… I mean girl… So I end up going for the one with most checked boxes!

She is easily the lightest girl in the school, tall and pretty. She was a Mwarabu… She was intelligent… How did I know you ask… Well, like I have said before, there is something intelligence does to a face… It can’t be explained but THERE IS SOMETHING! Her Mwarabu hair was long and lustrous, dark brown and played on her back in brilliant curls. She was not big boned though… But who cares?! Her arms were tiny and her body matched. She had a wrist watch and held a novel… Can’t remember the title… She was the candidate! Her toes sat prettily in Bata slippers… SHE WAS DEFINITELY THE POTENTIAL CANDIDATE…

The hour was late and we were almost being called to get into the van back to Barding so your game had to be short and calculated… She had a wrist watch so she should was able to understand how critical time was… Here is how to be short and precise… You have to be extremely disciplined. You have to make her have you on her mind as often as possible… ONE: Introduce yourself (My english has always been impeccable so this part was a walk in the park). TWO: Compliment (Tell her how extremely pretty you think she is… Look into her eyes… Women tend to think you are being honest when you look into their eyes (-: ). THREE: Fast Forward conversation (Tell her how you would have loved to stay and chat for longer… Tell her next time you will make more time… Then pray y’all are called back to the van) If not, FOUR: Make her laugh! When you get to school, write!

I walk up to her and introduce myself, “Ian is my name, what’s yours?” My heart is pounding so hard at this point I am almost swallowing my lungs!

“I know! Khadija!” She says. This is a thorough set back because I have to ask her how she knows, which IS NOT IN MY PLAN!!! *Khadija might or might not be her real name by the way*

“You do? How now? I will totally understand if it’s from all the fame we have gained from losing all our games today?” I say… The next sentence already cooking in my head… She giggles… SHE GIGGLES! Khadija is giggling… I do multiple somersaults in my head… complete with a split!

At this moment, I can see Barding boys running towards the van… Which was good for business…

“You are famous…” she started but she never got to finish her statement… Something made her stop talking… Her Mwarabu big eyes reduced to judging slits!

I notice her eyes dart to my collar then back to my eyes… It was so fast I almost missed it… You know when you are talking to someone and there’s something wrong with a part of their face and your eyes keep darting to that part… EXACTLY! Then she did it again… I caught her line of vision this time…

TO MY FUCKIN’ HORROR! I caught sight of a very courageous bedbug stroll out of the fold of my collar… I tried flicking the thing and missed… Now, bedbugs are very fast even faster when their lives are in danger… The thing scampered with unbelievable speed and got into my shirt through a button hole…

If you are waiting to hear what happened with Khadija then you have no idea how big a bedbug is… I lost myself going for that insect that I didn’t notice Khadija walk away! Fast…

Now, that darn bedbug set me back a few quantums back but I got Khadija… Took like a year!

Have you voted for Dear Doris? Well ton on now... Click on the image to take you to the voting site.

Have you voted for Dear Doris? Well ton on now… Click on the image to take you to the voting site.

 

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14 responses to “BEDBUGS AND SEX

  1. Kare

    March 12, 2014 at 11:25 pm

    DWFL!! XD
    I actually checked the 2013 KCSE school ranking and confirmed Barding really does exist,lol. 😀

     
  2. Kare

    March 12, 2014 at 11:28 pm

    DWFL!! XD
    I actually checked the 2013 KCSE school ranking and confirmed Barding really does exist, lol. 😀

     
  3. Amellia Kox

    March 13, 2014 at 9:19 am

    Never heard of Barding before, confirmed too

     
  4. Mak'Omondi

    March 13, 2014 at 9:29 am

    Hahahaha! So you went to Barding when Khadija was in Ng’iya. Interesting, just interesting

     
  5. gichanacrispin

    March 13, 2014 at 10:04 am

    Hahaha, Is this Khadija the Doris lady?

     
  6. Denet Odhiambo

    March 13, 2014 at 1:11 pm

    Hiyo picha imenipeleka far!!!

     
  7. Denet Odhiambo

    March 13, 2014 at 1:12 pm

    JEROBINGA! 🙂

     
  8. michaelmwangi

    March 13, 2014 at 1:28 pm

    Man you always make my day

     
  9. Lily Nyawira

    March 13, 2014 at 2:41 pm

    did the the girl in the far right actually have her hand in her ass?? ROTFLMAO

     
  10. Valid Dreamer (@CptWalubengo)

    March 13, 2014 at 7:39 pm

    Hahahaha…now I cant work anymore. I will just sit here, laugh and hope that when I am next in the matatu with this girl I have crushed on for long, the Wangige bedbugs wont show up on my collar.

     
  11. Cate Dee

    March 14, 2014 at 11:28 am

    She must have been in a thong if they existed….,you can guess wt she was trying…..lily.

     
  12. awino magawa

    March 16, 2014 at 3:33 pm

    awesome ..another of your works and i will crazy laughing …good work dear doris

     
  13. kamaurafael@gmail.com

    March 17, 2014 at 12:00 am

    Sent from my BlackBerry®

     
  14. Oliver Brian

    March 22, 2014 at 8:49 pm

    4th reading. I remember the days at Bardsville vividly! That pic #Jerobonga and the Ng’iya Girls. Ahem!!!! Thumbs up bruv!

     

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