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I AM A PROSTITUTE!

03 Apr

My Dearest and My Most Beloved Friend Doris,

Jaherana, if all that I have said and done and yet to say and do, have not convinced you of the immense love I have for you. If all the letters I have written and all that went unread but I still write… If all these things I endure for the sake of you and I to exist… Then my Doris I have nothing more to offer!

My house help comes twice a week to cook and do the cleaning – That is Wednesdays and Saturdays! I picked those two days because city council water is opened for Madaraka residents on those days! If she would show up on a different day we would run out of water! She comes in at around 8am. On some Wednesdays, she gets there after I have already left for work.

This next part is very important and it is the backbone to this letter!

Normally when this happens, I leave for her wages on top of the microwave and some money to buy food for cooking! Now listen very carefully, if she comes and does not find this money at the usual spot, it has all sorts of major implications on my life! This is one of them:

It is Thursday today… This means she was at my house yesterday! I forgot to leave her money on top of the microwave. Actually, I didn’t forget, I didn’t have it!

She sends me a text, “Wewe pesa?!” I do not respond. She sends another, “Please call me thank you. Join, Save and Stand a chance to win on Fanikisha Na M-Shwari!” I ignore again. I did not know if she wanted me to leave my office, seven roundabouts away and bring her the money because by now she should have already deduced that I didn’t have money on Mpesa either – If I did, I would have suggested I send it!

Long story short, I did not send the money! So she didn’t cook… If she doesn’t cook, I have to go buy myself greedy fast food, but because I work till 11pm, the only fast food open at that time being the chicken choma joint at Nairobi West Mall!

I spot a lot of cops in Nairobi West. Way more than usual. I meet like 6 walking together near National Oil… Then another four up the road… My gut advised me to leave the place and just go home… But my gut was the same hungry idiot! So I march on!

I find 3 Black Marias just outside Nairobi West Mall. I stupidly thought to myself that maybe cops came out to have a drink! Oh Black Marias are those huge lorries cops roll with!

When I was turning into the parking lot, which was almost empty, one of the lorry drivers spat with  terrible sarcasm taste, “Kijana umeona parking hapo!?” I was confused for a second or two because I was actually looking at a free spot when he asked that!

I parked my car on the opposite side of the road on a pavement and went to my kuku choma guy, Obama!

As I waked in, I saw about 12 armed cops walk into the ‘mall’! Trust me, beyond this point, I was sure I needed to leave that place, but I needed new material for Doris, so I stayed on!

“Choma half!” I tell Obama who is visibly shaken!

About 3 minutes later, like 50 guys were led out of the mall… Then about 20 people… This went on until there was absolutely no one! No one except Obama, his assistant and I!

“Maze wamesafisha hata machoo… Kila msee amebebwa!” Obama’s assistant narrated in a whisper! “Wamekam na Cadillac tatu!” (Cadillac, I later learnt, was what he called the Black Marias)

As he spoke two cops were walking right behind us! I was sure we were going to be taken away by these two! My heart was racing! I tried to look like it is only chicken I came for… There is not specific look for, ‘it is only chicken I came for!’ The two cops stood right behind me! I could feel them look at me… But I couldn’t look at them because that is how people get arrested by Kenyan cops sometimes… Staring at the wrong damn time man!

Obama, his assistant and I were completely quiet for a bit… So were the cops… The ground beneath my feet felt cold… I felt a strong urge to urinate my pants! Everything was quiet except the sizzling chicken on the grill! Obama was busy grilling that chicken even though it was so clear it was ready! The thing was burning!

A man shouting, “You cannot arrest me! I am here waiting for a taxi!” Broke the silence! I turned my head to witness the hottest life threatening slap land on the man’s face. The guy was big, way past healthy size! His shirt was untucked and two buttons undone! He wore a pale pink shirt and shiny fray pants that shone in the night… Shiny fabric is cheap fabric! He held his laptop bag with both hands even though it had a sling! He was clearly not ready to leave wherever he was… After he was slapped, he majestically walked to the Black Maria! Like he wasn’t slapped!

The two cops were still behind us…

“Wewe unakaa malaya!” One cop said. His voice was rough like honey had never passed through his larynx his entire life!

Male+Prostitute_ef26b7_3957419Every raised their heads (every being Obama, his assistant and I)! For a split second I was sure the cop was talking to a skimpily dressed female human! His gun was pointed at me!! Nothing made sense for the next few milliseconds until he repeated himself! “Wewe unakaa malaya!” The man pointing right at me! Obama’s assistant couldn’t take it… He burst out laughing!

“Wewe twende!” The same judging cop told him and led him away! Obama and I were left so confused. The chicken he was making was now black and crisp! He removes another one from a bucket and starts over!

The cops leave with three full Cadillacs!

“Mara ya pili this week wame sweep wasee hivyo! Ebu nikumalizia nikwatowe staff wetu!” Obama says!

Driving home, I kept looking at myself, trying to figure out what made that cop think I look like a prostitute! I was completely and decently clothed, my hair was real (if I had any), my nails were not a shade of deep red and neither were my lips and I didn’t raise one leg in the air to show my private parts! I didn’t have on white patent leather boots that rode up to my thighs… And I wasn’t chewing gum disgustingly! I didn’t even have my legs covered in those fish net things!

Oh well… I guess we will never know!

Whole point of this story, ALWAYS LEAVE THE HOUSEHELP MONEY ON TOP OF THE MICROWAVE!

Two hundred shot!

*This is for Pooh*

Click to vote for Dear Doris

Click to vote for Dear Doris

 

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35 Comments

Posted by on April 3, 2014 in comedy

 

Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

35 responses to “I AM A PROSTITUTE!

  1. Sambu Leon

    April 3, 2014 at 8:41 pm

    Awesome read. Made my evening.

     
  2. Clarabel Sitati

    April 4, 2014 at 8:02 am

    still reading.. but i had to pose and comment, I relate to your writing to me that’s insanely a tickle. Good job!

     
  3. Amellia Kox

    April 4, 2014 at 8:43 am

    🙂 Nice read

     
  4. Nelly Kiarie

    April 4, 2014 at 12:08 pm

    There is something that always pulls the cops to you!

     
  5. pundi

    April 4, 2014 at 12:16 pm

    Hillarious. Eti “Wewe unakaa malaya”!! Maybe its a vibe you have? An aura? *still chuckling* That was latent and only just now emerging? Or it was a one off vibe? An internal quake happened, the vibe tsunam’d the cop and then went away.

    Why was Obama not arrested?

     
  6. Linda

    April 4, 2014 at 12:51 pm

    Hehe……nice one . Ian you a pretty boy? Lol!! BTW how come you and Obama were not arrested?

     
  7. thepotheadbuddah

    April 4, 2014 at 2:31 pm

    haha!poko wa sabina joy

     
  8. Angela

    April 5, 2014 at 9:52 am

    I was having a bad morning till I read this.

     
  9. Winnie

    April 7, 2014 at 9:07 am

    hahahaha…..wah that must have been terrifying

     
  10. Savvy Kenya (@savvykenya)

    April 7, 2014 at 9:23 am

    LOLOLOLOL

     
  11. Natabona

    April 11, 2014 at 10:33 am

    haha….what a good way to learn a lesson!!!!

     
  12. abu amirah

    April 12, 2014 at 2:43 pm

    i love this piece……

     
  13. Maureen

    April 12, 2014 at 4:38 pm

    Hey, nice piece. Would you atleast cut down on the exclamation marks everywhere, give off the illusion of an overdramatic you, not a very selling trait.

     
  14. dizzybianca

    April 28, 2014 at 9:39 am

    LOL

     
    • abuamirah

      May 13, 2014 at 12:32 pm

      hello dizzybianca, what’s your blog’s title?thanks.

       
  15. Shena

    May 3, 2014 at 9:56 pm

    Why did i nt know of dear doris before. I love it.

     
    • mydeardoris

      May 5, 2014 at 4:09 pm

      Hi Shena,

      Thank you. Now you know. Keep reading.

      P.S Have you subscribed?

       
      • abuamirah

        May 5, 2014 at 4:50 pm

        Ian, i think you should give Lydiah the chance to write to Doris…..if i was to judge Lydia by her letter i would say she is a terrific writer.

         
      • mydeardoris

        May 5, 2014 at 5:20 pm

        Hey Abuamirah,

        I told her earlier today that she should write a letter 🙂

         
  16. Southern Valley

    May 5, 2014 at 11:25 am

    hahaha..Nice piece of article

     
  17. Lydiah

    May 5, 2014 at 3:38 pm

    Dear Ian,

    You seen relatively busy this days. You don’t write as often, not to mention, you don’t reply to the funny witty comments (Read mine) your fans leave for you…Come back to us our Communal love. We miss you and your horrific grammar. Hihihihi, i am not criticizing (Let us kindly get that right, I don’t to be the subject of one of your letters and not the nice kind) but you have a tendency to leave out allooooottt of the short words in your letters. Like ‘to go to’ you end up ‘to to’, but we love you no less. Okay maybe I should speak for myself. I love you, please come back….. please confess your love for Doris in the way only a LUO (I know, I know it sounds tribal, but would it help to know am not Luo?) man would do. To use the kind of English that not only reaches the depths of the mind, but grasps at the soul and makes me want to….yeah i have nothing. And since i am not competing to write a letter,(I will leave that to you) Kindly be aware that a big relatively new fan is eagerly awaiting your return.

    Regards….
    Ardent fan…..okay maybe the complete term might be more appropriate in this situation…..
    Ardent Fanatic…..naaaa it doesn’t. So fun it is then,…

     
    • Lydiah

      May 5, 2014 at 3:39 pm

      Fan, not fun. 🙂

       
      • mydeardoris

        May 5, 2014 at 3:57 pm

        Hehehe. I was busy campaigning for Blog Awards. I will write a letter this week. I am happy you have read posts that go back 2 years ago! hehe!

        My grammar and spelling cannot be helped. I have explained why.

        Thank you Lydiah. Keep reading sawa?

         
    • mydeardoris

      May 5, 2014 at 4:03 pm

      Hi Big Relatively New Fan,

      I think this is the longest comment I have ever received 😀

      Maybe you should write Doris a letter. What do you think?

      P.s I will reply to the comments today!

       
      • Lydiah

        May 8, 2014 at 11:08 am

        Hihihihi, keep reading? I wouldn’t think otherwise, but sadly i have read and re-read nearly every article. Now i think am on my third reading of most of this. Can’t wait to see what thy witty self shalt come up with next. PS. If you need material for Dear Doris, visit Thika road and in particular, Githurai. That will be priceless material. i just saw 50 chicken tired leg to leg a top the hood of a matatu… I shit you not.

         
  18. bobozz

    May 6, 2014 at 8:22 am

    Hi you Luo man,
    I do not know if its just me, or some other readers have noticed, you have been a prostitute for too long. You wrote this article APRIL 3, today is MAY 6. Don’t you think you are taking this adventure too far? Everyday I check this page and get ‘I AM A PROSTITUTE!’, I die small deaths.<– Learnt this from you.(Did I use it correctly?)
    Worse still, I see you have been on here, (see above post May 5). I realise sometimes life can be a tard uneventful, but that's why we(I) need you. Make up something if it comes to that.
    xx

     
  19. HK

    May 8, 2014 at 6:16 pm

    i can’t stop laughing – at ‘ wewe unakaa malaya”? i think i would have laughed and ended up in the cadillac

     
  20. HK

    May 8, 2014 at 6:17 pm

    Lydia, 50 chicken tied leg to leg???lol

     
  21. Claire

    May 22, 2014 at 5:40 pm

    Wonderful, what a website it is! This webpage gives useful information to us, keep it up.

     
  22. estherkarukutb

    May 23, 2014 at 3:31 pm

    Absolutely loooove your writing! I feel like I’m right there with you.
    You gotta do plays or movies or series, whichever comes first.
    Keep at it.

     
  23. joel

    June 7, 2014 at 12:20 am

    iam 24yrs need a sugar mummy

     
  24. optimusthe1

    June 27, 2014 at 3:54 pm

    Wewe unakaa malaya….LMAO!

     
  25. drewdog2060drewdog2060

    August 8, 2014 at 10:15 am

    I enjoyed this but, speaking only English I wasn’t able to understand the none English sentences. Is it possible to have a translation please?

     
    • mydeardoris

      August 8, 2014 at 11:33 am

      I will definitely so that for you. Thank you.

       
  26. Frank

    February 29, 2016 at 4:29 pm

    Hahaha Wewe Unakaa Malaya …I’m laughing off my lungs!

     

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