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An Orgy of Worms

12 May

Dear Doris,

I have not written to you in over a month. I have since been reduced to a vessel of thoughts and dreams of being with you again! I miss you in a quite simple desperate human way. I have never, not once, stopped thinking about you… And I will never, not once, stop loving you…. For the love I have for you is all that drives blood through my very body!

I have just come back to the office from Sarit Centre. I went by matatu. Sarit Centre has a lot of construction work going on at their parking lot lately and it is less hectic just taking a matatu there! My office is five minutes away. Also it is 20 bob!

‘Life has become a bit boring’ That is what I was thinking about up until I decided to clear my throat on the bus back to the office from Sarit!

Let me explain, If I take a matatu to work, it leaves me at Agip Bus Station, just near Times Towers in town. I get the next matatu to Spring Valley at Koja Bus Park/Fire Station! That is a definite 2 kilometres (My Nike+ phone app says I burn unto 300 Calories walking this stretch)  that cuts clean across the CBD. It is a long walk that destroys my shoes… I can sometimes almost feel their pain – My shoes! All the way from dustless streets of England to the heart of cracked pavements and fearless dust that is so fine that it penetrates through the leather! This can be seen from dusty toes in the evening!

Where was I?

Yes! As you walk through the CBD, there are all kinds of things you inhale. There is a dry cleaning shop next to Re Insurance Plaza that stinks of sodium hydrochloride that irritates the alveoli and a little further ahead, a bakery that smells of stale cake. There are a number of fast food joints that smell the same like they all use one chef! Poor fowl rotating helplessly on grills with metal rods that go through their body from anus straight up to the parting of the shoulders!

There are also shoe shops that smell of plastic with a recorded marketer playing from a radio! “VIATUUUUUUU! VIATUUUUUUU! MIA MBILIIIIIII! VIATUUUUUU!” over and over and over! And the numerous matatus and buses that bellow so much carbon monoxide as if they ran on fart instead of diesel!

By the time you get across town, your lungs are small factories! This normally gives you the urge to clear your throat! That is how the body is designed… I think! Let’s go back to the bus from Sarit!

I was standing holding the two parallel rods that run on the roof of the bus… It was a green and white bus – Walokana Bus! The bus smelled of a market. You know that heavy smell of vegetables going bad? And maybe a fart or two? The woman who sat in front of me had 2 gunias of cabbage that had each occupied a seat. She was big and dark! Her hair was thick and dark brown! Her clothes had almost no colour probably from washing them countless times and her gumboots were worn out! She was scary! The woman who sat on the opposite row, let’s call her woman A, had a hairstyle that looked like multiple obese worms orgied on her head. The man who sat next to her was dead asleep and his snore roared in harmony with the bus’ engine.

Doris...

Doris…

Then I cleared my throat!

You too are human, you have sometimes cleared your throat and, well, a thick ball of phlegm shot out of your mouth unintentionally! Yes? That is why it is always advised to cover the mouth when clearing the throat… Or coughing… Or sneezing!!! And for some people, even when taking!

Back to me…

A neat ball of phlegm shot out of my mouth so fast that I almost missed seeing it! With both my hands holding the two rods. The bustard found its way and neatly found its way to the cluster of worms on the woman A’s head! She felt it land on her head and even felt her head to feel what it was. She caught it and rubbed her fingers together to check on viscosity then looked at IT!

I looked around and realised three people had witnessed this. One of these people was the cabbage dealer!

“Mwambie ama nimwambie!” The woman who dealt in cabbage said loudly looking straight into my eyes…

I looked at the woman I had just planted DNA on and she looked right back!

“Mwambie!!!” The cabbage dealer repeated… I just stood there rooted on the spot! Felt like I had swallowed an avocado. I could not breath! The other two people who saw what happened just stared at me blankly!

The cabbage dealer was so loud that she caught the attention of half the bus!

“Ni nini Njoki?” the tout asked the cabbage dealer…

“Kutema tema mate ovyo…” Njoki replies still waiting for me to confess… My office was still a bit far out but I was willing to get off! There exists a peculiar idleness in Nairobi that can see one lynched for the stupidest of reasons!

“Nishukishe!” I tell the tout who ignores my plea and turns to Njoki! “Nani ametema mate!?” He asks…

“JISEME!!!!” Njoki shouts not looking at anyone in particular!!!

Someone had to get off so the bus stopped… I jumped out almost dislocating my wrist on the door…

I think Njoki told the woman what had happened before the bus left because she, Woman A, spat at me through the window missing me by a prayer!!! It landed right at the tip of my left shoe! Nothing wet wipes couldn’t handle!!!

P.S – For all #DearDoris fans who voted and supported US throughout the BAKE Awards period, thank you so much! We came in 2nd place in Best Creative Blog and 3rd Place in Best Kenyan Blog. Keep reading, I will keep writing! I had no clue so many people thrive on my misfortunes! 🙂

I love you all…

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31 Comments

Posted by on May 12, 2014 in comedy, matatu tales, near death

 

Tags: , , , , , , , , ,

31 responses to “An Orgy of Worms

  1. Magunga Williams

    May 12, 2014 at 4:56 pm

    Yuck!!!!!! Yuck!!!!!! Yuuuccccckkkkk!!!!!!

     
  2. Kare

    May 12, 2014 at 5:20 pm

    LOL!! Your misfortunes are just too funny, how you narrate them makes them all the more hillarious!! XD A rib-cracking read…as always…

     
  3. gsquare94

    May 12, 2014 at 5:36 pm

    Hahaahaaa! Ian, your misfortunes keep us on the edge. Stuff like this should happen to everyone & life would be full of fun.

     
  4. abuamirah

    May 12, 2014 at 7:27 pm

    ah ah ah Ian, that post got me all rolling on the carpet floor laughing and clapping my hands like a retarded seal……we missed you misfortunes. congrats btw for taking second slot on best creative blog.keep it up bro.

     
    • mydeardoris

      May 12, 2014 at 7:58 pm

      Thank you Abuamirah. I promise to write more often!

       
  5. Nyathi

    May 12, 2014 at 8:04 pm

    Keep on writing bro. Reading your misfortunes keeps some of us sane.

     
  6. Terry

    May 13, 2014 at 1:42 am

    C’mon!!!!!! Not even an apology?

     
    • mydeardoris

      May 26, 2014 at 3:29 pm

      I was not given time to apologise!

       
  7. Taka

    May 13, 2014 at 7:23 am

    Your writing has brightened up so many dark days for me…Thank you

     
  8. Amellia Kox

    May 13, 2014 at 9:43 am

    Yeah those buses run on fart and not Diesel! lol!! 😀 You left me laughing in traffic like a mad one. Keep writing Ian

     
  9. Chief Maneno

    May 13, 2014 at 10:01 am

    He he, ati Nishukishe. Next time, do not hold the bars with both hands! Welcome to The Republic.

     
  10. Lydiah

    May 13, 2014 at 10:07 am

    Hihihihihihi, its as if you are a trouble magnet. you always seem to get into the most hilarious of problems, and i thank the lord above for your amazing outlook on the same. It keeps my days hilarious. Welcome back, we had missed you.

     
  11. cindy

    May 13, 2014 at 10:08 am

    finally your back…next time you will win trust me i recruited all my friends to this blog next time my entire community even my Dani will vote 😀

     
    • mydeardoris

      May 13, 2014 at 11:01 am

      Hahahhahhaha!!! Now we need to get your Dani a tablet!

       
  12. mmnjug

    May 13, 2014 at 10:38 am

    Njoki would have slapped the living daylights out of you first…. Hahahahahaha! Whaaat?

     
  13. Savvy Kenya (@savvykenya)

    May 13, 2014 at 10:42 am

    Hahaha.. the title killed it. I just know the hairstyle that you described.

     
    • mydeardoris

      May 13, 2014 at 10:59 am

      That is a terrible hairstyle!!! How do people even decide to rock it!?

       
  14. Ruth Dee

    May 13, 2014 at 12:40 pm

    you have made my afternoon! had to resist laughter cause am in the office so my eyes are full of tears!!!

     
  15. Tiffany

    May 13, 2014 at 12:58 pm

    You are super humorous, was very bored in the office. You should see me after reading this. am falling off my seat. keep writing Ian.

     
  16. Qui

    May 13, 2014 at 2:40 pm

    Cant help laughing although its a bit yuck to think of..needless to say, its a nice read.keep up the great work…

     
  17. ess

    May 13, 2014 at 3:51 pm

    hahahahahaha seriously!!!!

     
  18. keikeyckay

    May 14, 2014 at 11:40 am

    Totally worth the wait!!!!!! Please please….write more often, one month is just too long.

     
    • mydeardoris

      May 14, 2014 at 1:45 pm

      I am working on that – I promise! Thank you!

       
  19. Carol Munga

    May 14, 2014 at 1:14 pm

    Welcome back….MIA for tooo long.

     
  20. MrsMwiti

    May 14, 2014 at 4:27 pm

    Thanks for the laugh. 😀

     
  21. Adam Mwangi

    May 14, 2014 at 4:42 pm

    Yet another hilarious read. But you’ve been MIA for a while. Keep them coming more often. For some of us, it’s such little hilarious pieces that make the day/week bearable.

     
  22. Musyimi

    May 19, 2014 at 8:32 pm

    The part about the phlegm flying out of your mouth is hilarious. For sure some of us thrive on your misfortunes ,keep writing man.

     
  23. wachiramicere

    May 21, 2014 at 10:44 pm

    “happy ending” ..dont know how Doris will react..

     
  24. dennis

    May 26, 2014 at 6:41 am

    i like your view of life.. razor sharp humuor even on the silliest of things..lovely

     
  25. Christine

    May 26, 2014 at 4:22 pm

    I’ve laughed so hard…tears were rolling down my face…i love your blog!

     
  26. mnkatha38

    September 12, 2014 at 3:28 pm

    Haha you didn’t apologize?? You’re good at articulation

     

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