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DISADVANTAGES OF USING A CONDOM

15 Aug

My Lover,

I start this letter by apologising for the long silence. I know it is hard to believe me when I keep on saying how much I love you and never write as often as one should… Believe me. Only one woman resides at the foot of my arteries… And that is you my love!

This will be short! I was in Sarit yesterday night at about 9:30pm. Quite the ungodly hour to be 8.7KMs from you bed don’t you think? On a school night! I was not there to catch a beer… Or passing by Uchumi to randomly buy wet wipes and gum. I wasn’t there ogling the pretty woman from the DHL office in dreadlocks and ass for days! I was not there for anything important really… I went to check mail from the post office box. This move was completely unplanned for, I turned into Sarit from the office because I thought someone was following me! If you are driving closely behind me with your full lights for more than 3 minutes then you would be definitely following me! And this guy was doing just that!

I get 3 letters… All bills… There is one from Rentokil… Another one from Madison Insurance and the last from Kenya Power and Lighting! I stop for a second because my phone starts vibrating out of control from incoming notifications. This is because it picked up the Java wireless network. Free internet is the best internet. I stand near Java for about 5 minutes updating Google Music, an application I never even use.

The place was almost dead. There were only 5 people on the ground floor. A white man visibly over his middle ages walking with two skinny black women. He was not sober. The two poor women held him as they all staggered out of the mall.

“Fuck them… Fuck all of them!” He kept on saying! “I can buy the whole place! The whole fuckin’ place!” He continued!

He would grab the skinny girls’ buttocks every once in a while and they would giggle like piglets! “Not now!” One skinny woman would say! “Yeah… Not now!” the other girl would second.

The two skinny women shopped for hair at the same shop for sure. They both had thick dark bushy synthetic weaves planted on their heads! But this isn’t my story! I get to the parking ticket machine and find the threesome stranded there because the white guy cannot find his parking ticket!

“Did I give you my fucking ticket?” He asked one of the two skinny women… I put my ticket into the thing and it says I need to put in 50 shillings! I check my pockets even though I was sure I didn’t have money there.10411261_10152370631474998_4669649532465351611_n

I Never put money in my pockets! I then say a short prayer and check my wallet… It’s emptiness was deafening! I could feel a few coins inside it though… From the side. Hidden in one of the folds. I never keep coins in my wallet, so this caught me a bit off guard. I had not put any teeth under my pillow for the tooth fairy, so where were these coins from!?

Being able to feel coins in that wallet and not being able to find them is really annoying!!! It is like a phone ringing in a woman’s handbag and she can’t find it! So, I put the thing upside down in a way that anything heavier than business cards or credit cards…

Let me explain this scene. A female guard had seen me struggling to find money and had started walking towards me. The white man and his skinnies were right there each going through a different pocket of his looking for his parking ticket and an Indian man was right behind me waiting for me to finish… It was at this point that a condom fell off my wallet! See here, it is not such a bad thing a condom falling off a man’s wallet… In all facts, it is a good thing! The man is using protection… Problems come in waves when the condom looks like Methuselah suffering from Ebola!

I have no clue how long it had been there… I had no clue where it was in there… I had no clue whatsoever what it wanted to achieve by falling off at that moment! I freak out because this caught everyone’s attention… In my hurried attempt to retrieve the thing, I kick it by mistake!The thing slides on the tiled floor and stops right at the guard’s foot! She smiles naughtily! I rush and pick it up and put it in my pocket.My heart is pounding terribly from embarrassment! I examine my hand and notice a shinny patch… The thing was broken!This explained why my notes were translucent lately! All along I thought my farts were really lethal and they made money shine!

Please note that I still hadn’t found money! The female guard pays pushes my ticket back into the machine and feeds it a 50 shilling note!Then turns to me and dishes that naughty smile again… Then she walks away spinning her button and swinging her buttocks! My story is over!

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22 Comments

Posted by on August 15, 2014 in comedy

 

Tags: , , , , ,

22 responses to “DISADVANTAGES OF USING A CONDOM

  1. blessing4reak@yahoo.com

    August 15, 2014 at 3:35 pm

    Hello how are you doing. hope all is well over there.I will like to know you more, pls
    Sent from my BlackBerry wireless device from MTN

     
  2. J.

    August 15, 2014 at 4:18 pm

    She was probably thinking you can gerrit……. To bad she wasn’t yellow yellow though.( And no, am not psychic., if she was you’d have started with that bit of info.)

     
  3. KuiwaNjuguna

    August 15, 2014 at 9:44 pm

    Hahaha @at the first comment.

     
  4. gichanacrispin

    August 15, 2014 at 9:52 pm

    Hehehehe. Problems come in waves when the condom looks like Methuselah suffering from Ebola!
    That line is a killer!!!!

     
  5. Magi (@mmutheu)

    August 16, 2014 at 10:23 am

    Button / baton ….

     
    • mydeardoris

      August 16, 2014 at 10:58 am

      Magi, you have been here long enough to understand I care nothing for spelling and grammar. Heheheee.

       
  6. Savvy Kenya (@savvykenya)

    August 16, 2014 at 11:26 am

    Haha a condom gave you free parking!

     
  7. Nessie Njambi

    August 18, 2014 at 7:22 am

    you seriously kill me with your writing *why lie!*
    I discovered your blog a couple of days ago and now have taken to reading two posts a day like a medicine prescription 🙂
    Keep up the good work

     
    • mydeardoris

      August 18, 2014 at 8:46 am

      I’ll make sure tou don’t run out of this ‘medicine’ 🙂

       
  8. FreddyAffune

    August 18, 2014 at 11:12 am

    nyce, read. a condom s a mans next of kin

     
  9. mmnjug

    August 18, 2014 at 1:36 pm

    You need to visit that parking lot again for that security guard…… You never know where it will end… Hahaha!

     
  10. Q

    August 18, 2014 at 2:26 pm

    I so needed some comic relief and your piece gave me just that..nice

     
  11. Brema

    August 19, 2014 at 8:25 pm

    Hilarious,made my evening

     
  12. thwitie

    August 19, 2014 at 9:59 pm

    Hahaha..Fifty Shades got nothing on you.

     
  13. Chief Maneno

    August 20, 2014 at 3:26 pm

    Lol! The guard, thumbs up. And you forced your story to end just as the guard was swuuunging…

     
  14. ess

    August 21, 2014 at 2:52 pm

    seriously!!!tihihih

     
  15. cindy

    August 25, 2014 at 2:30 pm

    Hahahahaha you got the askari thinkin and you are a JPT wolololo next time you will pay for the 50 bob 😀

     
  16. simon

    September 14, 2014 at 9:56 pm

    *my farts were lethal and made money shine* what do you eat just found this blog and liking it alot

     
  17. moswetawrites

    September 19, 2014 at 11:19 am

    like methuselah suffering from ebola…haha,dude..u nailed it,nice read thou’

     
  18. ambrosemwangi

    September 22, 2014 at 8:32 pm

    I like the peace, say it like it happened.You have really made the connection, kudos.

     
  19. victor amadala

    September 23, 2014 at 5:52 pm

    The white guy swaering to buy everthing at the mall could possibly buy you and your condom!. I pity him because his bucks could become translucent just like your bloody 50 shilling notes. The guard was i mpressed by your unkown sense of humour. The piece made my day.

     

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