22 Aug

Dear Doris,

My love, I will scurry through this one.

Someone asked me the other day why I love you so much! She asked if I love the way you make skim wiki or ugali! She asked if you make me breakfast in the morning and if you knew I was lactose and intolerant and allergic to onions! She asked if it was because you love me unconditionally! I had no answer, but in my heart I knew it was not because of any of those things. I love you… I just do!

I went to an Mpesa stall day before yesterday. I have a specific Mpesa place I go to every time. I lost my ID ages ago and I am too lazy to get a replacement so I decided to make an Mpesa lady friend who will not ask me for my ID. I have been going there almost a year now and she has even mastered the first four numbers of my ID number! After a transaction she will go like, “ID number ni two, eight, seven, six halafu?”

This is an expensive relationship… time-wise. I cannot just go there withdraw or deposit money and leave! We have to talk for a short while. We gossip, she knows everything going on around her! The other day she was telling me how two waiters from a nearby restaurant, a man and woman left together holding hands. She things they are having sex!

The Mpesa lady, Prisca, is short. She was nothing above four and a half feet. She is really dark with shinny chubby cheeks that have seen their fair share of Vaseline Petroleum jelly. On hot days she shines from all the molten petroleum on her face and on cold days the sweat pores on her face are sealed shut!

Her breath is detestable and the braids on her head are few, maroon and scattered. She has three blouses, a green net one, a milky silk one and a brown net one. Her nails are all eaten up deep into the skin. The skin around her nails is chapped from missing the nails when she bites at them. Prisca’s laugh is a modified snore. It is funny!

After I deposited 1,200 bob Prisca said, “ID number ni two, eight, seven, six half?” I gave it to her then she slid the Mpesa book for me to sign. A drop of blood left my nose and hit the Mpesa book with a light decent blop! I knew I was going to nosebleed at some point because I could smell blood iron. Do you know that smell?

nosebleed3pf-e1270053006833You see, I have been nose bleeding every single day for almost ten years now in the shower. It was scary at the beginning but not anymore now that I know I am not dying. A doctor said a blood vessel in my left nose raptures very easily. He said it is normal and can be treated by a minor surgery… I lost him at surgery! To confirm to myself I am not dying, I go donating blood once every now and then to make sure I am not dying. My blood pressure, blood sugar and BMI are tip-top! Who wants to deal with life disrupting news right?

Recently I have been having random nosebleeds during the day, and this was one of those ones!

Prisca jumped back and cover her nose with the edge of her sweater! She looks at me foe a second or two and ran out of the Mpesa stall. I was certain she was running to get help when she ran into a nearby chemist! I had no clue what to do, ‘should I stay there until she came back or just leave?’ I asked myself.

Then, still with her sweater covering her nose, she came out of the chemist with two men in white gowns. Then she pointed at me!

The two guys wearing green rubber gloves (P.S – I just asked what those gloves are called aloud and someone said surgical gloves. I do not believe him)

The two guys suspecting I would run off were gesturing all sorts of peace gestures as they walked towards me!

I just stood there pinching the bridge of my nose trying to make the bleeding stop.

The two led me into the chemist and to a back room and made me lie facing up on a doctor’s table. This was really scary by the way. This is how people get raped. Being led by two strange men into a semi lit room!

They checked my temperature and asked me if I have been having random headaches. My temperature was fine and I had not been having random headaches. Then they asked if I have always had nosebleeds and I said I had, everyday for ten years!

The two men walked out of the room. I could hear them whispering things to each other. I sat up just to be ready incase they were planning to come in hard and hold me down and rape me! I clenched my fist and raised it to look intimidating!

They walked back in and told me they suspected I had Ebola but that was not the case. Prince had told them I had Ebola!

One of them gave me nose drops and told me to put two drops of it three times a day! He said it was free. I walked out of that chemist and threw it away! You do not just give people things and ask them to put two drops in their nose three times a day! That’s how people get killed!

I completely ignored Prisca as I walked past her Mpesa stall. I am blind to snitches.

P.S For some reason my computer does not consider Prisca a valid name and keeps changing it to Prince. So Prince and Prince is the same thing.


Posted by on August 22, 2014 in comedy, near death, random


Tags: , , , , ,


  1. Faith Nyapara

    August 22, 2014 at 1:33 pm

    damn! who is this Doris woman …. ‘I had no answer, but in my heart I knew it was not because of any of those things. I love you… I just do! ‘
    but the typos!!!!

  2. adriankibai

    August 22, 2014 at 2:09 pm

    typos galore but nice one…

  3. Victor

    August 22, 2014 at 3:40 pm

    Haha! You never disappoint.

  4. Princess

    August 22, 2014 at 8:02 pm

    Typos are distracting…engaging as always, but please spell check before publishing!

  5. cindy

    August 25, 2014 at 2:36 pm

    i cant help but laugh out loud if i loose my job i will forever blame you…..You always make my day

  6. hbdespice

    August 26, 2014 at 12:01 am

    fyeeeee strained to read wid al the typos
    ..deposit mo money n buy a laptop

  7. Claire

    September 3, 2014 at 7:32 pm

    You are hilarious!

  8. gichanacrispin

    September 4, 2014 at 8:33 pm

    typos are many Bwana wa Doris, proofread please. Great creativity though.

  9. Mkenya

    September 11, 2014 at 10:43 am

    Great stuff man

  10. Mwende Grace

    September 23, 2014 at 12:27 pm

    Hehehe. Nice read.

  11. Doris Omao

    September 23, 2014 at 3:33 pm

    you have malizad me!!!! hahahaha…. Prince is funny though!and what chemist is this in nrb west????

  12. It'll only be a minute :P

    October 7, 2014 at 4:25 pm

    Reblogged this on ptitia and commented:
    Too funny… 😀


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