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Monthly Archives: November 2014

PORN IN NYALENDA


My Lovely Woman,

My heart is heavy as I write this. I can’t remember the last time I felt like this. It is not even about you this time. Something beat you to my ‘what makes my heart heavy’ this time. I wish you were here, to take away all this pain and fever.


I grew up in Kisumu. I spent most of my life wondering the streets of Kibuye Estate and Nyalenda. I apologise my Rundaness might fool you though. I had friends from all over the place. This was solely because I was a very cool kid and I went to six nursery schools. Yes! Six nursery schools. I went to Bayani, Aga Khan, MM Shah, Arya, Siri Guru Sigh Sabah and Bhagini Samaj (All Indian schools). I was a famous. Most of the kids in Nyalenda called me Mayor (or Meya if said in a strong Luo accent). It killed my mother, me having so many ghetto friends in Nyalenda. She could not stand the numerous dirty children who streamed into her manicured lawns. I even stole food from the house to feed some of these kids. My best friends were Daddy and Philipo who is now a bouncer at the famous Club Buccaneers in Kisumu.

In Nyalenda, we had the ‘Cinemas’ best known locally as ‘Ka Movie’. Nothing like IMAX or Fox Cinemas though. These were 5 shillings movies that were aired on a 20 inch TV that barely had colour. The sound was terrible and the picture grainy. This tiny TV was set ontop of a deck (VCR) on a high table at the front of a really dark room with life threatening air supply. Ten to fifteen wooden benches (like the ones in churches in shagz) of different heights were set in from of the TV, just like at the movies, lowest to the highest ones at the back of the room.

The room was a tiny hall of 5 by 10 metres. The windows were small and set high up the wall like the ones in a Muthaiga Police Station prison cells. The cemented floor had eroded from the thick traffic of human beings hungry for a good movie. The windows were blinded by a thick black curtain that blocked most of the light and oxygen from getting into the room.

This room could handle up to 60 seated people at a time. But when Manchester United was playing Arsenal, all the benches were taken out and people stood… This could be any number from zero to a million and seven!

6 movies showed at Ka Movie every day. Most were intense action movies. Rambo First Blood, Commando, American Ninja… Some really intense shit! Movies those days didn’t come out in bulks as they do these days. There were very few ‘new’ movies at a time. Titanic came out and nothing newer hit Ka Video screens in like 2 or 3 months. Because of this reason, movies were often replayed during the week with a random Nigerian movie thrown in.

Kids in the estate flooded Ka Movie. They could watch American Ninja every other day. Ka Movie was home to kids who did not go to school and unemployed adults.

Kids  would walk out of that room and imitate their best Starring (actors). The term Starring was derived from the dusty black board outside Ka Movie. There would be a cover picture of the movie and beside it the names of the guys who stared in the movie. Example: Universal Soldier starring Jean Claude Van Damme!

It would cost you 5 shillings to watch an ‘old’ movie. Old here being a movie that had been playing everyday for more than 2 months. To watch a ‘new’ movie or Titanic was 10 shillings. Titanic was always 10 shillings because it was a really long movie. Also Titanic was loved by local couples. Boys took girls to watch Titanic, and Jesus knows what happened in that oxygen-less darkness. I am certain a boy made in there walks this earth today!

A football match was 10 shillings as well. Manchester United and Arsenal matches were 20 shillings. Nigerian movies were 5 shillings because they were too many! I think a new set of Nigerian movies were shown every week. I remember watching my first Nigerian movie at Ka Movie… It was called From Grace to Grass. Scariest shit ever. There was a full day fee of 40 shillings. For 40 shillings, you could watch all six movies of the day. This fee could not be transferred to a different day or a different person.

Now you might be asking yourself what I was doing in such places. Let me explain. We have never owned a VCR. Never! Never ever! This would be a shock to my classmates in primary who I told we had 3 VCRs, one of which was in my room. I am sorry I lied to you all. When I was a kid, I sold our first and only coloured tv for 10 shillings. That story is somewhere on this blog. My father swore he would never buy another coloured tv. And he never did. So Ka Movie was the only place I could keep up with my classmates on ‘who had watched what.’ It was near impossible to have watched something I had not. I saved 10 shillings off my lunch money everyday and spent most of my weekends at Ka Movie.

My mother did not know about this though. Every time we drove past Ka Movie, she would warn me never to go there. She told me the estate thieves hid there from the police.

I frequented Ka Movie so much that it got to a point the movie guy allowed me to watch movies for free except football matches. I have never been a football fan so I was pretty fine with the deal.

There was one thing I could not fathom though. From 1pm to 2pm the dusty blackboard outside Ka Movie that had the movies, was blank. The only thing written on this part was 50 shillings. I asked myself countless time why someone would pay 50 shillings to watch nothing! I knew about the canoodling couples at the Titanic screenings so I figured couples paid 50 shillings to do ‘bad manners’!

So one time I sat outside Ka Movie at 1pm to see which people got in. And for about 15 minutes, not a single woman got in. Men flocked the doors though. It was very confusing. I was old enough to know that for bad manners to go down, men and women had to go in. I was still very confused so I decided to investigate further.

The next week, I went into the 10am movie and when it ended at about midday, I hid under the benches at the back when people were leaving. For about an hour, I was alone in that room. Waiting!

At about 1pm, two men walked in speaking loudly in Luo. I could understand what they were talking about but it did not make sense. One guy explained to the other that they had to play the same ‘clip’ as yesterdays because the supplier had traveled to Uyoma. The other was worried that the customers would complain. The other suggested they should charge half for that day.

I could see them test a video but I could not see anything plus there was no sound. It is tricky trying to watch something from under a bench and staying quiet at the same time. They switched off the tv and left the room.

It was not long until men started streaming in. I could hear the voice of one woman but I could not see her. I got out from my hiding spot and sat on the furthest bench from the tv. It was too dark and I thought no one would see me there.

“Inbe in ka!?” (Luo: You are here?) A random man asked me.

“Ee,” I replied with confidence. He looked a bit confused.

After everyone got in, the movie guy put on some really loud reggae music. The tv was still off. Then the movie guy did something I had never seen him do before… He locked the door from inside. Normally he would stand at the door and leave it open just enough to see outside.I was scared at this time. Why were we being locked in a room together? Everyone else was so excited though. There were no new movies so it was quite confusing to see them all jumpy.

The movie guy switched on the tv. Whatever was about to play was like nothing I had watched before. It started with the credits.


To read the rest of this story, please go to our new home here:  www.mydeardoris.com

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Posted by on November 24, 2014 in comedy

 

FOR bikozulu


Dear bikozulu,

You are looking for a guy to design a logo for your blog. I am not the guy you are looking for. If the guy you are looking for is what you described here, then I am farthest from it!

This is why… I oiled my elbows this morning and I always do (your guy doesn’t). ALWAYS here being since class 7 when my desk mate, Rachel, told me my elbows are the ashiest pair she had ever seen, and ‘girls do not like ashy elbows’ … And I like girls!

I am 6’2” with porcelain dark skin and long feet. My hair is short, almost bald. I go to my barber every Friday and I always make my bed. I sprayed some deo on and lotioned my whole body accordingly. This porcelain skin is high maintenance.  I always wear dress pants and a shirt to work (I just stopped wearing slim ties to work just the other day)… My shirt is always tucked in and belt fastened. I can’t stand sagging pants. I believe that if the probability of you waking up in a new $2.4M car (and not knowing how you got there) is zero then you have no business sagging your pants.

I own one pair of jeans… ONE! I wear them on Saturdays. I live in Madaraka, not Langata or Thika road! The closest I have come to living on Thika Road was an almost daily trip to USIU to see my then girlfriend.

My apartment has excess parking! EXCESS! This is evident from the multiple ‘visiting’ cars that you see Saturday night/Sunday morning. Plus my household has multiple cars that all have their own spots.

The last time I took a jav to work was because I was looking for a story for my Doris… I never have headphones or earphones on. My eyesight is terrible and my hearing is vital for my locomotion!

My laptop bag is a Gili genuine leather messenger bag (not a backpack) and my current job is not my first one… Or second… Or third! My first job was a sales and marketing gig *promoting* Blue Band Choco and it lasted two weeks. A girl I liked at the time walked into the supermarket I was posted in and there was no way I was going to let her see me in a yellow BB t-shirt holding a margarine tin. I would die! Oh my heavens I would surely die! My ego would have never let me be seen that day! I lost my job because I left my outlet before ‘hometime.’

I am not 23 and my MacBook Pro has one sticker that I designed (It is of Eve holding the lighting ‘Apple’ and a snake looking at her – genius huh?). I have just over 2,000 followers on Twitter and about 20 unread messages on Facebook (If you count the Dear Doris Facebook page ones). You got me on this next part though. About DMing chics for a ka-plan. Guilty! I am single and I have a missed call from my brother that I really need to return.

I do not drink in town, the last time I did that, well, that is a Dear Doris letter. I drink Heineken, not Tusker and I am a lover of single malt whiskey! I do not smoke! Pictures of me smoking exist online though… PHOTOSHOP!

My mtumba guy is a 7 foot motor mouth Luo man called Ojal! From Sunbeam. He knows my measurements off head! That sounds wrong! Great guy, ask for him next time you are in Sunbeam. He might force a paisley shirt on you though… He loves paisley. He seems to believe paisley will save humanity.

My handwriting is beautiful… Spot on Biko! Spot on! It is that or all these people I write letters to lie to me so I can keep writing. I still write letters… Paper, envelope, post office etc. If you have been wondering how Posta Kenya is still afloat, now you know. I am not a football fan. I have never watched a football game to the end! I am an Arsenal fan though. I have no clue who plays for the team currently! I am still stuck on the days Thierry Henry was the team’s striker and Ashley Cole was in defence. And Silverman in mid… Was there a Silverman? I was in form two!

I read your blog sometimes, I like it, and I am a book lover. I even work for a publishing company! I have written four books for children that were approved by KICD for the Kenyan school curriculum (I had to fit that in)… And I design billboards. 

HAHA! And Magunga Williams sent Me an inbox on Facebook tha you were looking for me! Magush, did you read the piece?

I am that fashionably dressed, ‘established graphic designer’ you are tired of! I do not have a moody grin though, this smile is genuine!

And that is that… I am not the man you have described, but I decided to try coming up with a logo for your blog either way.

The logo I have designed is of a red canvas shoe with it’s shoelace tangled out spelling out ‘bikozulu’. I think it is pretty rad!

I chose this design entirely from what I see you blog as and what you have described it as… A Relaxed Space, sexy, suave and urbane… (among the other adjectives you used). Do you know how relaxing and comfortable canvas shoes are? You can run in them… You can wear them to the club… You can wear them with a suit… You can wait tables in them… You can wear them everywhere… They are comfortable and they look good! Thus the design! The tangled shoe string is to signify what lies behind the comfort – It is never smooth all the way right? And the red is just for drama… PLUS what says KICK ASS better than a shoe :D?!

I am trained to go on and on explaining elements used in a logo and I can go four more paragraphs but I will stop here and let the logo speak for itself.

bikozulu-01

That Dear Doris Guy.

**Edited by @Owahh because I can’t spell to save my life**

 

 
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Posted by on November 14, 2014 in comedy

 

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