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URINE AND OTHER SHORT STORIES!


Dear Doris,

I had praised you yesterday!

I went to Barding Secondary School. I am certain you are wondering where this school is (that is if you are new here). Well, Barding (pronounced BaRRding) is in the soul of Siaya District. About 10 kilometres off the main road. That might be a SLIGHT exaggeration but it sure felt like 10 kilometres!

If you are at the soul of a rural setting, there are a few things that are just impossible to get. One of those things is electricity! Another one is yelo yelo women, but that will not be our focus today! It would take several hundred electric poles to take electricity to these places, so the villagers who can afford it get generators and solar panels, some get pressure lamps, the rest just go accapella*, when darkness sets in, it’s a wrap!

©Barding Lamp Lighters of 2003!

© Barding Lamp Lighters of 2003!

You have probably deduced that we did not have electricity in Barding! We used pressure lamps! We had prefects called ‘lamp lighters’ in every class. These niggas were gods! They ate before everyone else and didn’t carry seats to church every Sunday morning (Form 1s & 2s had to carry seats from school to church every Sunday morning. The church was a stone’s throw short of a kilometre) A lamp lighter made sure his class was lit every dawn and night preps. He was familiar with all the pressure lamps in the school and had to be quick in choosing the best lamp for his class. A lazy one always got a dim beat up lamp and everyone would end up falling asleep, because no one could study in that light!

BUT this story is not about electricity! It is about clean water! We did not have enough of this as well! With only one borehole to serve a population of 500, it was near impossible to get clean water. NEAR F*CKIN IMPOSSIBLE! People fought at the borehole. People made friends at the borehole (it is easier to fight for water when you are two guys). Some people made money at the borehole (I paid people to fight for my water. You would get a cup of water for 5 bob or 10 bob). My nails are not built for fighting at the borehole!

To make life easier, students would wake up at wicked hours of the night to get water from the borehole when the rest of the village was asleep. 3am… 2am! If you were lucky, you would get  20 litres of water (in a jerry can) or a basin full of water! Whatever you collected was extremely valuable (liquid gold) and I will explain why in a bit!

This is a map showing  Barding and its environs. See how far we had to go to take a bath? Click on this picture to see how far the main road was from the school. (It is the dirt road up till Karemo Stage)

This is a map showing Barding and its environs. See how far we had to go to take a bath?
Click on this picture to see how far the main road was from the school. (It is the dirt road up till Karemo Stage)

98% of the school could not wake up in the dead of the night to get water. So, to bath, they (we), had to RUN for 5 kilometres to an abandoned gold mine (which was used by every living organism in that village. Bathing in the same water catchment as a shitting cow was extremely normal) that had collected water over the years. AND I AM NOT EVEN LYING! We had to RUN because we had like 45 minutes to go to this gold mine, bath and make it back to school before 6pm (if you were late you would be locked out of the school until after dinner)! So we had to RUN to the gold mine… bath… then RUN back! You would sometimes get to school filthier than you left! The gold mine was called Ongoro* by the way! So you see why people woke up at 3am to get water?

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The famous abandoned gold mine! ‘Ongoro’ – See students all over the place!

People who were able to get water in the night had to keep it safe. DO YOU KNOW HOW IMPOSSIBLE IT IS TO KEEP A BASIN OF CLEAN WATER SAFE FROM 500 PEOPLE WHO DO NOT HAVE IT BUT REALLY WANT IT?!

The best people could do was keep this basin of water under their beds and keep checking on it every once in a while. It was stolen 3 out of 5 times. Another way to secure your water was to store it in a jerrycan under your bed then lock the handle of the jerrycan to the mesh under your bed. This ensured no one would tilt the jerrycan and pour the water out. But a thirsty man is a very dangerous man. You would get people who would undo your bed to pour the water out!

The 3rd way to secure your water (which didn’t secure it at all by the way) was to piss in it! It did not safeguard your water at all, but it consoled your heart that whoever stole your water showered in your piss! (Prefects had a room where they locked their water)

I want to concentrate on the above paragraph. Let me explain to you how I found out that people pissed in their water.

Very many times, when we didn’t have drinking water, one would just run into the dorms and check under the beds for a basin of clean water and like a cow, drink from it. You had to be quick and we almost never used hands. Wet hands is just undeniable evidence! WHERE WOULD ONE GET WET HANDS FROM? IN A PLACE WITH NO WATER!?

I know you must be wondering whether this same basin we were drinking water from is the same one we used for bathing and washing our underwear and school uniform … Yes it was! Yes it was! I am living proof that dirty underwear-soaked soapy water can’t kill you! Do not try it though, you will die!

Where was I?

Yeah, so there is this one time I sneaked into the dorm at class time to look for drinking water. It was completely illegal to be in the dorms at class time, so I was sure I was the only one there. I got an orange basin with the cleanest… purest water from under a bed that was next to mine! The water either belonged to Rodgers or the form one who slept on the top bank of his bed! I looked around to see if anyone was watching then when the coast was clear (see what I did there? Coast? Water? Aghh forget it) I pulled the basin of liquid gold from under the bed. It was as clear as Evian mineral water from the French Alps!

There was a strange smell that came from it but the water was too clear for the smell to be anything serious!

I went down on that water and in sure, confident gulps… Drunk away! And drunk… And drunk… Stolen water is so sweeehhhhhhhhh!

I had not noticed that Rodgers was asleep on the top bank. He had stuck his head out to look at me! I only saw him when I let out that ‘AHHHH’ you let out after a nice cold drink of water. I almost pissed in my pants! I was flabbergasted! Hehehe! I just wanted to use flabbergasted! I was shocked, not because the nigga had been there all that time, but because he was not doing anything about the situation! I was supposed to be dead! A normal ‘Ja Bare’ would have killed me for messing with his water!

Even stranger, he pulled back his head and said, “Kunywa tu. Sina noma. Ungeuliza lakini.” This was very weird…. Stolen water might be sweet… Lakini with permission, IT IS SOOOO MUCH SWEETEERRRR! And like that, I went down again and drunk some more! And some more… Then let out a sanguine burp!

It is only with the second, ‘AHHHH’ that he informed me, “Baithewei* nilinyora kwa hio woiyes*. Ni miujiza haujanotice!” (By the way, I pissed in that water. It is a miracle you haven’t noticed) It was at that specific moment that I tasted the salt! It was so obvious that I could not understand how I would have missed it! Then the smell… The thing, UNDOUBTABLY, had piss.

I had no clue how to react. It is not like someone tells you that you have drunk their piss everyday! So I just stayed there. On my knees. Facing the water. I didn’t move a muscle.

I was rooted on that spot trying to figure out wether to vomit and face dehydration or put my chin up and walk away with a quenched thirst! I could feel the vomit build up from deep within my insides! If I did vomit, it would have been like taking diamond back to the belly of the earth! So I got up on my feet, said thank you, then walked out of the dorm fighting the urge to vomit what had built up to the extent that I had to persuade ‘it’ to stay inside!

As this was going on, the thought of drinking another man’s urine crossed my mind and I swear to whomever you swear to that I have NEVEEEER vomited as hard as I did! Vomiting out water is not a walk in the park! I almost vomited my rectum out!

You would expect me never to drink water from a basin again, right? Well, from then on, I smelt the water first before I drank it!

New words:

Ja Bare – noun Pronounced ‘ja Barre’, is what we called each other in Barding.

Swwwweeeeehhh – adjective Modern lingo. Means sweet. (In a sentence: Acapella is so sweeeeeehhhhhh)

Accapella – adjective Sex without a condom. (In a sentence: Acapella is so sweeeeeehhhhhh)

Ongoro – noun An abandoned gold mine in the heart of Alego that has since collected water to form a large pond like feature. (In a sentence: Swimming in Ongoro is so sweeeehhhhhh)

Nyora – verb To excrete urine. (in a sentence: Maze joh najiskia kunyora design ingine noma!)

Baithewei – idiom (see also: by the way) incidentally (used to introduce a minor topic not connected with what was being spoken about previously). (In a sentence: Baithewei napenda chapo sana)

Woiyes – noun Water (In a sentence: Boss si unisave wiyes, nadedi thirst!)

 
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Posted by on October 31, 2014 in barding tales, comedy, near death

 

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BEDBUGS AND SEX


My Lovely Doris,

Woman, so experts say I have to write to you more often to stand a chance winning this thing at all… Tricky bit is, I have to be riddled with misfortunes to make this happen… I never have flowery stories that are full of love, cars and money and chapati to write…

How are you my love? A little birdy told me you are having pains on our thigh… I hope you are alright now. Why are you having pains on your thigh? Is it another man my love… Do your thighs hurt from the… You know what, forget it… I do not have much to say today, but I will say it either way!

As I write this, two of my colleagues are arguing about man visiting Mars… It is funny!

Because nothing dramatic has happened to me since my last letter, I will have to dig something from the past… And what greater period exists than Barding? If you have been reading this blog you definitely know Barding… This is the high school I went to… A forest and a great hill away from Kogelo… That is far… No water or electricity with bedbugs the size of a medium sized Dell mouse! Ok I am lying about the size of the bedbugs, they might have been a bit bigger! This letter is not about the school though, you can read more under the Barding Tales category.

I think I was in form three and we had just gone for an outing… In the middle of Luo land we called them outings… Not funkees… Did I even spell that right?! An outing was exactly what the name depicts, a day out of the penitentiary! We didn’t have a bus, so the school hired a van… This made more that 20 people leave the school at the same time a bit tricky… The school could afford only one van at a time… UNLESS the team being sent out was extremely promising…

Where was I? Yes, outing!

We had gone to Ng’iya girls, which was absolute heaven really… The smartest girls in the district! Smart and pretty… Naive teenage girls running all over the place in blue skirts and white shirts. Giggling like piglets… Some donning magnificent red sweaters… Whats that bird that shows off its red chest when ready for mating? Yes…

We had gone for a basketball tournament! Not with the girls… With boy schools from the region… Our school was not the best basketball team in the area though… I think we lost every game we played that day! In fact I am sute we lost every game we played! This is not the best for one’s PR, considering one had to mingle after the games… Failure is never good for PR! If you add the fact that back at school, water is scarce and might have skived bathing… Well, you can tell where that is going!

RANDOM FACT: BARDING WAS 55th IN THE 2013 KCSE EXAMS! Ululation!

The games are done… I change into uniform (green trousers, blue shirt, green tie, green sweater and black shoes) I think I looked way better in this that lime green basketball jersey with brilliant red stripes on the side!

In my smart casual wear, I scan the grounds for potential candidates… I am looking for light skin (shows dirt easy), big bones (they have big hearts), long hair, short nails, probably holding a book (plus points if it is Abott Physics), donning a wrist watch (a woman who takes her time very seriously), and in sandals (Bata slippers – i like feet. Plus point if they are red to match her sweater! Blue skirt and blue Bata slippers is just too much blue!)

This was taken on the exact day this happened... Can you see Ng'iya girls in blue skirts at the back? Can you see me seated... Stressed? Then can you see the girl on the top right? Soooo funny!

This was taken on the exact day this happened… Can you see Ng’iya girls in blue skirts at the back? Can you see me seated… Stressed? Then can you see the girl on the top right? Soooo funny!

It is near impossible to find all these in a woman… I mean girl… So I end up going for the one with most checked boxes!

She is easily the lightest girl in the school, tall and pretty. She was a Mwarabu… She was intelligent… How did I know you ask… Well, like I have said before, there is something intelligence does to a face… It can’t be explained but THERE IS SOMETHING! Her Mwarabu hair was long and lustrous, dark brown and played on her back in brilliant curls. She was not big boned though… But who cares?! Her arms were tiny and her body matched. She had a wrist watch and held a novel… Can’t remember the title… She was the candidate! Her toes sat prettily in Bata slippers… SHE WAS DEFINITELY THE POTENTIAL CANDIDATE…

The hour was late and we were almost being called to get into the van back to Barding so your game had to be short and calculated… She had a wrist watch so she should was able to understand how critical time was… Here is how to be short and precise… You have to be extremely disciplined. You have to make her have you on her mind as often as possible… ONE: Introduce yourself (My english has always been impeccable so this part was a walk in the park). TWO: Compliment (Tell her how extremely pretty you think she is… Look into her eyes… Women tend to think you are being honest when you look into their eyes (-: ). THREE: Fast Forward conversation (Tell her how you would have loved to stay and chat for longer… Tell her next time you will make more time… Then pray y’all are called back to the van) If not, FOUR: Make her laugh! When you get to school, write!

I walk up to her and introduce myself, “Ian is my name, what’s yours?” My heart is pounding so hard at this point I am almost swallowing my lungs!

“I know! Khadija!” She says. This is a thorough set back because I have to ask her how she knows, which IS NOT IN MY PLAN!!! *Khadija might or might not be her real name by the way*

“You do? How now? I will totally understand if it’s from all the fame we have gained from losing all our games today?” I say… The next sentence already cooking in my head… She giggles… SHE GIGGLES! Khadija is giggling… I do multiple somersaults in my head… complete with a split!

At this moment, I can see Barding boys running towards the van… Which was good for business…

“You are famous…” she started but she never got to finish her statement… Something made her stop talking… Her Mwarabu big eyes reduced to judging slits!

I notice her eyes dart to my collar then back to my eyes… It was so fast I almost missed it… You know when you are talking to someone and there’s something wrong with a part of their face and your eyes keep darting to that part… EXACTLY! Then she did it again… I caught her line of vision this time…

TO MY FUCKIN’ HORROR! I caught sight of a very courageous bedbug stroll out of the fold of my collar… I tried flicking the thing and missed… Now, bedbugs are very fast even faster when their lives are in danger… The thing scampered with unbelievable speed and got into my shirt through a button hole…

If you are waiting to hear what happened with Khadija then you have no idea how big a bedbug is… I lost myself going for that insect that I didn’t notice Khadija walk away! Fast…

Now, that darn bedbug set me back a few quantums back but I got Khadija… Took like a year!

Have you voted for Dear Doris? Well ton on now... Click on the image to take you to the voting site.

Have you voted for Dear Doris? Well ton on now… Click on the image to take you to the voting site.

 

 
 

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HOW TO BATHE WITH 3 LITRES OF WATER


Dear Doris,

I wish I had the time to tell you how much I love you… Doris, I am sure you already know this… I am trying to make this as short as possible because I do not have much time to do it!

I love you Doris… Please believe it… and if ever in any doubt… Ask me… I will say it again! This one will always stay ablaze in my heart… The love I have for you!

I will get to the point immediately.

We didn’t have water in my high school, Barding. We had to RUN for miles to go wash our bodies at some abandoned gold mine. This run could often get tiring and one would decide to SKIP! Sometimes you would get a little water from the borehole in school… This added up to about 3 litres or 5 if you are lucky!

This is how to do it…

1. The 2 U’s

If you have 3 litres of water to wash your body, then you have a problem. Here is where you look at yourself and ask the most important question… What part of my body is the dirtiest! Please do not lie to yourself that you are going to soap your whole body and rinse it with 3 litres of water… The sooner you accept this fact the better! Forget that nonsense for behind the ears and your back… It doesn’t work! Below is a diagram of the spot I advise you to concentrate on!

The two important U's. Under Arm and Under the Belly Button!

The two important U’s. Under Arm and Under the Belly Button!

2. The Initial Scoop

This is another important one! This will determine if you will have water all over your body to help with the soaping… This is done once and there is no room for messing up! This is how you do it. Scoop water with the palms of your hands together… Have this scoop full to the brim of your palms… Do not let even a drop spill out! The with pure calmness and respect let it fall at the top of your head… At this point, you should be standing up REALLY STRAIGHT so that the water can flow easily to your toes…

PLEASE NOTE – Please keep your hair really short… Long hair tend to mess this stage up!

3. The Soap

Only soap the marked areas on the diagram… Step 2 has most parts of your body wet if you did it right! You have to do this really fast so that you do not dry up! Leave a little hint of soap on the palm of your hands that you will run all over your body… This is just to hint on the idea of soaping your body… JUST TO HINT!

4. The Rinse

Please be advised that you will not need more than two scoops for this! 3 litres is about 6 substantial scoops! If your math is of any worth, we are up to 3 scoops!

The second scoop will have to clear all the soap at the two smaller spots on my diagram! This I call the DRAGON SCOOP! The scoop has to be done in two… Each hand scooping separately! Then with each hand slap the scooped water on the spots! The right hand on the left spot and vise versa ceteris paribus.

You will realise that the soap makes its way down the side of your body… Let it! We will address this later!

The third scoop done as the first all goes to the big red spot…  The note on step 2 applies here: Keep it short!

5. The Chest Splash

With a full scoop as the first, splash water on your chest and let it flow down your body… I HOPE YOU ARE STANDING UP STRAIGHT!!! YOU SHOULD BE IN THIS POSITION ALL THROUGH!

6. The Back Splash

Same as stage 5 but now this goes on your back!

7. THE FACE PALM

I hope you have notice that your face is the only part we have not touched… Use the last scoop for this purpose… I really do not care how you do it…

You will realise that some parts of your body are still dry, dusty, sweaty etc But you are fresh enough to get them the next day! Remember that this method is rotational… Whatever parts you concentrate on today will have to be ignored tomorrow! The three points are to get you started… How you go on from this point is all on you!

The famous abandoned gold mine! 'Ongoro' - My friends and I

The famous abandoned gold mine! ‘Ongoro’ – My friends and I

 
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Posted by on May 30, 2013 in barding tales, self help

 

‘SHIT’ and other short stories!


My Doris,

Before I go any further, pouring out my heart to you, I would like to warn you… In this letter, I will be saying SHIT a lot… If you are going to be offended; instead of sitting there twitching and aching; then stop now.. Dont go any further than this POINT…

SHIT!

MY Love, It’s just about 7:00 p.m. and I am still at the office, not working late, but thinking about you… The only thing that’s making sense in my life right now… The man sitting next to me is listening to music I don’t like, so I asked him to use earphones… I don’t think he quite understood why I asked him to use earphones because the music is still blasting through his earphones… Do you know how annoying it can be to listen to someone’s music through his earphones even though you are seated like 700 miles away??! AND ITS SHIT YOU DON’T LIKE :/

Enough bitching…

I want to understand why it is so OK saying feces in a Biology class but everyone around you squeezes their butt cheeks together immediately you say SHIT! I am talking about the people I asked to stop reading at the beginning of this letter and are still reading on, squeezing their butt cheeks together every time I write SHIT!

But this letter is not about SHIT… It is about what SHIT can do? I am not talking about SHIT as a situation i.e. ‘shit happens’.. I am talking about the REAL SHIT, as in dung, ejecta, excreta, feculence, ordure, feces, cow pies, plop, droppings, fertilizer, guano, manure, meadow muffin, ordure, crap… AS IN THE REAL SHIT!

Lets pause there for a second and allow me to build for you a scene…

You probably know by now I went to Barding Secondary School… Don’t bother googling it… You will just end up with ‘Did you mean boarding Secondary School?’  I mean that in a good way… Plus turning up on google search results is too mainstream…

We had no water or electricity for the first 2 or 3 years I was there… We (all the students) bathed in an abandoned gold mine called ONGORO that had accumulated water through the years! Being a small school, in a far far far lands, you have probably deduced that everyone in at least a 10KM radius used the water at Ongoro…

I am approaching the SHIT!

Ongoro - My friends and I

Ongoro – My friends and I. Paradise

By everyone using the water I mean bathing, swimming, cooking washing, SURFING – hahaha. The livestock met at Ongoro everyday for a pint… By the way livestock piss and SHIT where they eat and drink…

Can you smell the SHIT coming…

With the little knowledge I need you to have to understand the weight of this matter, you have probably deduced that niggas caught typhoid… and probably died… But that is not my focus…

Come back to TYPHOID…

Google it… Done?

If you click on the very first result, which is probably Wikipedia, you will see this:

Typhoid fever, also known simply as typhoid,[1] is a common worldwide bacterial disease, transmitted by the ingestion of food or water contaminated with the feces of an infected person, which contain the bacterium Salmonella typhiserotype Typhi.[2][3]

Let us stop there for a glass of water…

Now I want you to answer this question for me… Have you ever caught Typhoid? If you know you have… It is ok to fall sick… and most of the time, never YOUR fault…

I just want to make it clear how you come to contact with the disease… You get it by INGESTING (not smelling, not through sexual intercourse… NOTHING) food or water contaminated with feces… As in… You catch typhoid from eating SHIT! SHITS thats from a person who has typhoid… Who ate SHIT too… It is a vicious cycle!

Are you embarrassed? Don’t be!

I have caught typhoid numerous times… I think I am even immune to it by now… Blame Ongoro… But I am proud… You should be too…

The first step to recovery is ACCEPTANCE…

You are healed from the second you accept you have been ingesting SHIT!

ACCEPTANCE!

On a much lighter note: I forgot my glasses at home… I scratched 3 cars between my gate and the office… Lesson: Ganda la mua la jana chungu kaona kivuno.

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Posted by on January 10, 2013 in barding tales, comedy, near death

 

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Surface Area to Ugali Ratio


My Dear Doris,

I am growing old… I hope it has hit you that you will lose me one day! The letters will stop coming in and the phone will never burst out in song and dance to my calls again. Ever heard of the saying, “You never know how much you have until it is all gone”? or something close to that… My Doris, you will miss me when I am gone… You will weep on my grave and wish me back… But with all that earth smack on my chest, there is no turning back… This is not a threat… Pick up that pen and reply all these letters… For if I pass on without your letters, I will come back to haunt you, and my dear, you shall write 10 letters on the daily until I am convinced I have read enough…I love you!

The other day at the dinner table I caught my mother looking at me eat with her mouth open, dumbfounded! You know that face your parents wear when you tell them you are pregnant? And you just cleared kindergarten? Yeah, me neither… But this was pretty close!

“What Mama?” I ask…

“You are going to put all that ugali in your mouth?” She answered in a concerned voice, pointing at the ugali I was holding with her eyes!

I looked at the ugali I was holding…

When the food is cooked there is no need to wait before eating it. ~Kikuyu Proverb

It wasnt that big… Ok maybe it was… I have to admit, I was perplexed by the size of that ugali too… It has never hit me before! It was a quantum from a basketball… Ok maybe I am exaggerating a little bit… It was just under the size of a base-ball (this just means it filled my clasped palm).

“If you continue like that your girlfriend will leave you!” My dad says… He too had been watching!

“Look, compare it to this!” He added and pinched a bit of his ugali! His could fit into mine 8 times very comfortably!

I was embarrassed!

“But I don’t put the whole ugali in my mouth! I bite it like 3 times!” I stand up for myself! Which is true! I HONESTLY bite it like 3 times!

“That’s a sign!” My mother says and gets up. She was done eating! She is walking slowly to the kitchen!

“A sign?!” I ask.. “Yes… That something is wrong with the size of the ugali you are holding!” She says. She is in the kitchen I can only hear her voice.

“We have to talk about it!” She adds…

Felt like I was in trouble!!

But you see, I can explain where this BEHAVIOR arose from! Let me explain!

Apart from being a man, I have more detailed reasons!

I went to Barding Secondary School… The only thing in this school were students… You had to imagine everything else…

Let me not hate, I love that school… I mean loved! I hear nowadays it has showers and a new laboratory!

Anyhow…

At Barding we did not have a dinning hall or anything of the sort! We ate under trees sitting on logs… If you all the logs were taken, there were stones… If you did not like sitting on stones, you would eat standing…

Being a school in the middle of nowhere, the food ratio depicted the same… A huge chunk of ugali with a slight idea of skuma wiki with loads of skuma wiki soup! thats on days we had ugali, which will be my point of reference. We also had 2 pieces of meat twice a week… But that is not for today!

Our lunch break or dinner break was just below 15 minutes… Which is just bullshit compared to the amount of ugali you had to deal with (STANDING).

Are you seeing where I am going with this?

In Form one you eat last. Meaning you have even less time to finish your ugali! I know you must be asking yourself why I am stressing on finishing the ugali… Well, in the middle of nowhere, if you get food, you finish it… Anything can happen! So you better have a full stomach so if anything does happen, you have enough strength to walk 15 kms to the main road! Was it 15 or 30… no clue!

So, my point is, under these situations, the ugali you pinch out of the mother ugali should be at least an eighth of it. You save time. Do this for four years and it sticks… continue doing it after the four years and, well, there is no hope!

There is a day my parents came home from shagz – arriving in the dead of the night. Normally, there is food on the table for them – that day, I had finished all the ugali!

I need help!

 
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Posted by on October 26, 2012 in barding tales

 

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JUST GOT BACK FROM THE UK!


My Lovely Woman,

As I type this my mother is shouting my name to go down stairs for devotion… This is not normal because it is 9:30pm… You know too well this is a dawn affair! I am going to go down stairs and find out what is going on… Do not go anywhere…

Just came back up after like an hour.. Nothing serious! Asante Mungu!

Moving right along!

I am running out of things to write to you about! I have been staring at the blinking cursor for almost 10 minutes now! My days were full of drama… Intense drama… At some point in my life I was almost killed by a mob in the middle of town… At another point my brother and I towed a scooter half-way across town… At another point I was running away from the City Council askaris… I have since figured why this is so… I bought a car! All the drama was in the matatus cetaris pharibas. I am sure I spelt that wrong! Its not even supposed to be there!

Please be advised that I am going to milk that point until there is absolutely nothing left… That is me buying a car! I love the way that statement plays on my tongue… That one and, ‘when I was working in the UK’

I still pull that one one and a half years later! EVERYONE who asks me where I have been gets the line smack on their faces! I make it sound like I have just come from the airport… The other day I met one of my childhood friends at the Westlands Oil Libya mini mart! She was buying cigarettes! I was buying gum… The traffic was insane and I was tired of balancing pedals…

“Hi Patricia*” I said with absolute uncertainty because the ass she wielded was not the ass she had  15 years ago… And her mammary glands were, well, mammary glands! These were completely new!

“Ian?” she responded and quickly put her cigarettes in her hand bag like she was hiding them… Clearly forgetting we were not 10 anymore! I smiled!

“Yup!” I answer!

I was wearing my best shirt and shoes so I was sure I was on top of my game!

“Happy new year!” I continue! My father says that a lot so it comes to my head naturally!

She laughs

“You are still funny!” She makes a pass at me…

15 years ago she would’nt have looked at me once let alone make a pass at me… I was the tall skinny kid with shorts that barely covered my thighs while she was that rich spoilt child whose dad and mum lived in Nairobi… We were in Kisumu, so Nairobi was a big deal! Yeah… I said it!

“haha!” I laugh with absolutely nothing to tell this woman!

“So where have you been all this while?” She asks… She woke up the monster! I have this conversation all planned out!!! AL PLANNED FUCKIN’ OUT!

“Nowhere interesting! Been working in the UK. Just came back! Where have you been?” I answer like I was there from 1997! Be advised that I was there for less than 2 months!

Did you notice what I did with my answer? I answered and bounced the question back to her like ‘been working in the UK’ was not that big! HAHAHAHA!

“Wow! What do you do?” She asks… Here is where I was sure I had her by the balls… I am this middle aged, attractive young man who is doing well… Trust me… That is evident from my shirt!

To her question, ‘what do you do?’ I normally answer, “I am a graphic designer!” But when I notice the awe in your eyes by how well you think I am doing… I go like, “I am an artist!” hahahahah! Which I am! I just looking like I earn loads of money from not doing much… I do not by the way… So wipe that look off your face!

‘Ongoro’ – Here I showered for four years straight… I am not in the picture so stop trying to find me!

We are now walking out of the mini mart… Talking about the past! She is walking towards the bus stop and I have to stop her…

“I am parked the other side!” BAZINGA! The little things that excite me…

“Oh, ok!” She answers…

“Where are you headed? Maybe I can…” I start… She doesnt let me finish…

“Town!” She says… “You?” She asks…

“Kileleshwa!” I answer like I own a house in that area…

“You live in Kile?” She asks.

“Yup”, I answer! Intentionally forgetting to mention that I live in my parents house…

We part ways… I leave this woman with such skewed information… I feel bad inside for a little bit… Then it hits me I did not tell a single lie… I put on my aviators and speed off… IN MY CAR!

 
18 Comments

Posted by on October 18, 2012 in barding tales, comedy, women tales

 

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PIE R SQUARED


Dear Doris,

So i was not meant to write to you today… So I will try making this short!

So on my way to work today I happened to see the cover of this month’s Ebony Mag. The cover has Jennifer Hudson…

Before I go any further, please be advised that i like my women big… Do not get me wrong though, when I say BIG I do not mean Precious (Gabourey Sidibe) BIG… You know what, maybe I am using the wrong words… I like my women PADDED… If you go waaaayyyy back into my archives, you will notice that I used Jennifer Hudson as an example of my kind of woman… She has since then lost enough weight to lose that title… She has lost weight but her head has remained the same size… BIG! she looks like she is going to topple over! Ok I will stop hating…

Now that we are on this interesting topic (BIG HEADS) why don’t we dig in a little deeper…

We have all had that one friend with a humongous head haven’t we… That annoying one who the only ammunition you had against him/her was the size of that head…

Well… I had one, or two… THEIR STORIES:

Oscar Onyango:

HAHA! We were in the same primary school (lower primary) and lived in the same hood…

DISCLAIMER: Please allow me to use Kichwa instead of head… I am feeling very uncomfortably talking about my friends’ big heads :/ If you know what I am talking about!

Yeah… Oscar had a kichwa so big he kept on falling! I SWEAR! You remember the kid who fell from the tree and fractured his skull like 3 letters back? THAT WAS OSCAR!!! Theres also another time we used to jump on moving trucks (kudandi)… He lost his balance and plummeted on the bare tarmac hitting his kichwa on the hard surface.. I think he got stitches!

The cool thing about Oscar’s kichwa was its was the laboratory for trouble… You couldn’t sit with the boy one minute without finding yourself in trouble… Even doing your homework together got you into shit coz you are probably doing the wrong assignment! All his ideas were terrible but fun… There is this one time, our house boy was having sex with their house girl at my house (i cant remember where my parents were). Oscar and I inflated a few balloons and let them loose in the room they were in… you know when you blow up a balloon and let it fly all over the place… We scared the couple so bad our house boy ran around the house naked… We were almost killed!

Oscars mother was my class 2 English teacher and was convinced it was me who was messing up her son…

THE OTHER ONE…

Edu:

My friend from high school… I feel like this particular case will get me into trouble… But I HAVE NEVER BEEN KNOW TO LIE TO MY DORIS… Edu if you are reading this… Be cool man!

We use to call him MA WIYE WIYE… which means MA HEAD HEAD or Pie r squared or Head boy! He was the richest kid in school in my time… His ‘BOX’ was 4 times the normal ones… He has tones of cantoned milk and a lot of money and cellotape and a pair of scissors and numerous biro pens. He had everything… A lot of everything! oh and a phone! He was those people you had to be friends with AND HE KNEW IT! You know those annoying friend who ask you for impossible favors then when you say ‘no’ they go like ‘SAWA!’ coz THEY KNOW YOU WILL BE RUNNING TO THEM!? That was Edwin… Far a very long time I had no ammunition against him whatsoever… until his sister fell in love with me… Then I was Superman!

Edwin is the one on your extreme right... Something tells me you would have guessed right anyway...

Edwin is the one on your extreme right... Something tells me you would have guessed right anyway... Look at his really cool watch! I am the even cooler one in a red t-shirt! this picture was taken at the nationals drama festivals 2006... HAHA! Memories...

It was had to keep Edu as a friend… He would make you his slave… He would send you to the canteen and send you to get him water and random shit… But you would sure eat your sweat!! When he sends you to the canteen, he is probably buying you something too… and the water was  for juice… HAHAH! My Lord! He didn’t have many friends though… People walked out on him after a while… then others replaced them!

Now that I have said all this, do you think there is a need to leave out this detail: he allegedly had the KCSE leak… All rich kids do…

Now I am in trouble for sure!

 
17 Comments

Posted by on December 6, 2011 in barding tales, big beautiful women, comedy

 

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