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Category Archives: big beautiful women

HOW TO GET FREE FUEL FROM SHELL


Dear Doris,

I love big women. Big light skinned women. Big light skinned with long lustrous hair… And small feet. Not just any small feet, I love number 5 feet with short fat toes. I love big light skinned small ‘feeted’ intelligent women… Funny women. That is why I love you… And that is why I will never stop loving you! Because you are big and light skinned, and intelligent, and you have long hair and you have tiny feet with short fat toes!

The following takes place between 9am and 10am today! August 1st! Events occur in real time!

Read the paragraph above in Kiefer Sutherland’s voice! Then imagine a clock ticking…

I am not a morning person! Only millionaires and billionaires are morning people. Mornings are not for the suffering like me! If I am up early it is because I absolutely have to or I have been threatened that I will be fired if I didn’t show up at 8am… Outside of those two scenarios, I prefer to wake up at 8am and be at the office by 9:30am. That way I get to listen to Quarter After Laughter on Xfm at 9:15am (Do not look at me like that! I make up by working late… I am a night person! I get super creative and intelligent after 8pm!)

I had just driven out of the gate at about 9am and was thinking about a text the house help had just sent me reminding me to buy Harpic when a cousin, @ongalok calls!

“Where are you?” he asked with maximum urgency in his voice.

I found Doris on the Google...

I found Doris on the Google…

People who call in the morning with maximum urgency in their voices at that time of the morning are either delivering catastrophic news or extremely good news. No one ever calls at 9am just to be nice. Nothing like, “Ian go out and have fun and stay young!” or “I feel like sending you money on Mpesa today, can I?” It is always,”The cheque has bounced!” or “You are late for the meeting!” or “Tuma peas ya Harpic!” or “Come pick the cheque!”

Where was I with this?

Yes, @ongalok calls and says Shell Mbarathi is giving out free fuel!

“They Almost filled my tank!” he emphasises! (filling the tank was an exaggeration as you will later learn) This was one of the extremely good news ones!

I work in Spring Valley and my route is Uhuru Highway through Waiyaki Way to Westlands Roundabout then through Lower Kabete Road… Exactly 8.7 Kilometres! That is 250 bob worth of fuel or 300 with slight traffic! You need to be very good in math to survive in this Nairobi!

So back to the call!

I totally lose interest in getting to the office in time and join Mbagathi Way. My fuel light was bright and confident, so I fuelled at the Madaraka Shell for 500/-. A yellow Shell sticker is smacked on the ass of my car and I am told I will need it to get free fuel.

Shem Shem, calls me just before I leave Shell Madaraka and asks me to bring her a sticker. She was almost at Shell Mbagathi but she didn’t have a ‘free fuel’ sticker!

With free fuel on my mind and extra ‘free fuel’ sticker I set off.

Shem Shem is getting really worried because she is getting really close to Shell but she still doesn’t have her ‘free fuel’ sticker. There is absolutely nothing I can do about it because I think @ongalok had told everyone in Nairobi! The traffic on Mbarathi way was grim! And almost all the cars in front of me had a yellow ‘free fuel’ sticker! It was safe to say Shem Shem was screwed!

My fuel light starts blinking at Umash Funeral Home! Hehehe. Do they take dead cars? Thats not even a funny joke and I am sorry!

Just at Umash I switch to Capital FM for updates on this free fuel maneno! I learn that they ar only giving 1000 free fuel! ALL THE HUSTLE FOR 1000 FREE FUEL! And only for the first 300 cars! Motorbikes included… I could see like 5,000 cars in front of meall bearing yellow stickers!

I gave up! But I had to deliver Shem Shem’s sticker!

I find her at the Shell entrance but I can’t give it to her. I have to go Ngumo to get parking then come back on foot… This was impossible because the whole place had stopped because of the free fuel!

Shem Shem is blowing my phone!

I park at a random bus stage and run to Shem Shem holding the yellow ‘free fuel’ sticker!

I get into a bit of trouble because a security guard thought I was being cheeky trying to re-redeem my sticker. He held me by the shoulder so hard I almost shit my pants. I am so fragile and cute if you hold me hard at my shoulders I can shit my pants!

I explain myself and he lets go of my scapula! The fuel station was like blankets and wine… Soon many cars and so many familiar faces.

As Shem Shem gets her free fuel, I run back to Esmeralda and drive to the office! Esmeralda is my car! I drive up Mbagathi Way, through Woodlands Road, through Kileleshwa, through Westlands Roundabout, through Lower Kabete Road… That is 10 kilometres… 350 bob worth of fuel!

I get to the office late, tired and without free fuel with a huge hello sticker smack at the centre of Esmeralda’s ass!

 

 
8 Comments

Posted by on August 1, 2014 in big beautiful women, my car, random

 

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Nishike


My Lovely Doris,

It has been a long while while since I wrote last. I miss you dearly. My heart skips several beats at the thought of your beauty… The thought of your lips against mine… The thought of your skin on mine!

I have not had time to write to you lately! I have stories for you though. There is one about a matatu dropping me off near a grave yard it the dead of the night because I didn’t have change for 1000 bob and another one where I was in the same compound with Shebesh and Sonko and there were gunshots and 1000 women screaming and shouting… At that same compound a policeman with a gun asked me to switch off the music we were listening to because it was too loud! But that one is for another day!

This is a letter I received at the beginning of this year. Another woman who is convinced she is Doris. She will state a few things she claims we did together! Do not believe her!

black-woman-writing-letterDear Ian,

You’re weird! I like weird! I love weird! I would choose weird any day.

Life has never let me choose though. If it had I would not be writing to you with tears in my eyes afraid that you are forgetting about me. I would wake up next to your freakishly long legs every morning… and other long things I remember about you. I would still be playing with your bee sting nipples on Saturday mornings while you read me funny comments on askreddit. I would be falling asleep on your chest while we watch a movie every night. We would be sharing a smoke after ruining dinner because we were busy catching a quickie. I would be wearing nothing under your t-shirt while we watch Boondocks on Sunday morning. I would be with you….

Remember our last night together? You tried singing to me. God, you have the worst voice. That didn’t stop you though; I have always loved that about you. That was one of the many nights we chose to stay in together rather than be out getting drunk and dirty with our friends. My friends were starting to complain by the way. I wore that red t-shirt of yours, that one that you always hated me for wearing because you had wanted to wear it too? Yes, that one.  Oh and you should stop looking for it, I took it with me. Your laugh was louder that night, your kisses deeper and your touch more gentle. Something was different about us that night. It was like we were not afraid to be vulnerable anymore, like nothing but us mattered. I had never been so certain of my love for you like I was on that day. As days pass, I am more convinced that I will never feel any different for you.

I hate that I had to leave but I kept something that will always remind me of that night. I kept a star from that night that shines brighter every day. Her name is Gian. She is lovely!

Something bothers me, you are not writing to me as much as you used to. You are even letting other men write to me, I don’t hate the attention. Worse, you wrote to Adele! The latter arouses very many different shades of jealous in me. What is happening to your feelings for me? Surely you are not going to forget about me, are you? I would hate to not have your letters to hug tight at night when my husband sleeps over at his third wife’s house. We need to talk; our talk has been long overdue. I am afraid, however, that I might not go back to my husband’s house if I so much as get a two second hug from you…. Aaaah your hugs! Those used to feel so good.

Please find a good woman to take care of you. I hear you are becoming thinner and are beginning to look sickly. I wish I could cook for you again but… well, responsibilities. Every once in a while I will sneak away for a smoke in honor of what we used to be. I hope you found your monglinyo, sorry had to put that somewhere.

I have to go make dinner and practice my happy look for when he comes…if he comes.

I luv you!

Yours now and forever,

The Real Doris

 

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HOLE IN MY PANTS


My Darling Doris,

I’m terribly glad to hear your tummy has completely settled and I don’t care how fat you get – I’ll just adore every spare tyre you acquire – there’ll be all the more of you to grab and cuddle.

Doris, I have done nothing but miss you terribly ever since I last saw you as you walked away from my car when I was dropping you at the train station and can only console myself with the thought that I shall be seeing you again someday. My love, it is a very bad state of affairs to feel so horribly cut in half when one leaves another as I do you!

I know I am supposed to be writing about finishing the post about A’MAY’ZING RACE 2 but this one is a tad more pressing!

So yesterday I decided to wear my asparagus green khaki pants that my mother got me from India like 3 years ago. It is a sick pair of pants… Then I had on a white & black Next checkered shirt and a grey corduroy jacket that women totally love. Also on was a pair of Old Navy pooh green plaid boxers.. You know if you are single and the weather is this cold, you cannot afford not to look smashing… You have to have threads on that scream, ‘LOVER MATERIAL’! That and a bit of gym… But I have been to a gym once and my chest almost split open!! Weights are no joke man!

When I got off the car I felt a very peculiar breeze beneath my juggernauts… Almost like i stood a top an air vent! You know, like the famous Marilyn Monroe one… Do you know it? The famous Marilyn Monroe one? This one…

The famous Marilyn Monroe picture I am talking about

The famous Marilyn Monroe picture I am talking about

So I decide to completely ignore this peculiar breeze up until I get to my desk when I feel yet another gust of wind upon my  baby maker… When I looked down to see why all this was happening I saw the biggest rip I have ever seen on any of my pants… The seem that cuts across the crotch area was completely undone…A list of everyone that would have possibly seen this went through my head FAST! No one came to mind… Then I slapped my thighs together… It was too late to go home… Maybe it wasn’t… But Going back home and back again was almost  50KMs! The fuel to execute that mission was enough to get me to work the next day… Yes, I live with an economist!

So I promised myself my thighs would remain clasped together up until home time!

I want you to understand that I am a very jolly child and light on the legs when a Sauti Sol jam comes on… Sauti Sol or Valu Valu… Do you know Valu Valu? No? Sad!

So I am in the kitchen with some of my colleagues… I am fixing a cup-a-tea to help my zero-fat body fight this Lower Kabete cold! At this point the curse struck…

Blaring from a laptop in the boardroom, “ANOTHER ONE FOR THE LADIESSSSSS… SAUTI SOL….” Normally I lose myself completely in this song! I subliminally kick into the air… So like my brain normally works… I kicked!! And there was the gust of wind upon my balls again only this time the gust was a bit more solid… Stronger… That was the true meaning of FULL BLOWN!

The people who noticed were speechless… I did not stop dancing though… It is absolutely impossible to stop dancing to this song! When the song ended I went back to my seat with my tea like nothing had happened… I jammed my earphones into my ears and listened to TED Talks the whole time so I would not hear another Sauti Sol jam… I would shamelessly kick into the air again!

If you haven’t listened to this jam (Which I totally doubt because it is a big jam) then here it is:

As I type this I am listening to Sauti Sol’s Zosi… Another beautiful song…

And also you need to try this out LOLLIPOP

 

 

 
2 Comments

Posted by on August 23, 2013 in big beautiful women, comedy

 

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OPEN LETTER TO ADELE LAURIE BLUE ADKINS


Dear Adele,

This blog was meant for letters to my one and only love Doris. Do not get this wrong. You are being addressed on stolen time… aren’t those always the best?

This might bring a few issues between Doris and myself. I have thought about this move long and hard… I am doing it.

Before I started I googled ‘how to start a love letter’ and out of the 12 pages I looked through, not a single one really brought out what I wanted to say… all of them started with pet names… sweetheart and honey… and my love… and my beautiful… to me you are neither… I would rather address you as ‘my soon to be’… ok I am being a bit psychopathic… Dear Adele did it just fine.

I am sure you haven’t been reading my letters to Doris so you have no idea why I am writing to you… let me brig you up to speed… Walk to the nearest reflecting surface and look at yourself…

You have probably noticed that you are plus sized… this tiny fact (the word play is not intentional) is big… I am completely weak for big women… If I had the kind of money you have… and you had the kind of money I had (which is above average in Kenya)… I would have asked you to marry me… this makes no sense…

Still at that reflective surface? If so, you have probably noticed the hue of your skin… it is more light than dark… yes? Obvious… I love yelo yelo women… you are white… oh my knees tremble… You probably smell like white people… I like how clean white people smell… they smell like shampoo… and lotion… and candles… and soap… and eucalyptus… and jojoba.

CN1m3

This made me laugh a bit…

Your songs are sad… An intern at my office told me yesterday that your ex boyfriend left you for a man… is this why your songs are so sad? You need someone to love you good… a tall black man… who just shaved off his signature beard. By the way I just shaved off my signature beard. The barber did it by mistake… so o refused to pay him…

I love big, intelligent, yelo yelo women with tiny feet… I don’t know about your shoe size but your voice can be substituted with the feet… I like your voice…

Its 1.30am as I write this… I can’t even think straight… and I am doing this on my phone… this is a bit hard because my eyesight is shit… sorry for cussing. So you are aware how serious this is.

I am sorry but I don’t think the lyrics to ‘set fire to the rain’ make sense… the chorus totally loses me… ‘I set fire to the rain… watch it burn… then I touch your face…’ Come on Adele… But worry not… when we ate together we will go through a few songs I have been writing which I think are amazing…

I heard that you found someone and you are married now… (jinx). You have a kid now? This being with you thing is getting slimmer by the paragraph…

I do not want your money though… I have enough of my own… at least till December… then, if we are together that is, we can work some sort of deal out… yes? So us will not be about money… yes? I don’t have much in tangible materials … but in my heart, I have everything!

What beauty!

What beauty!

I am tired and I have an early morning… plus I have to watch Groods before I sleep… so my darling… allow me to pen off… pen off is so high school…

I will write to you again someday… hopefully before December.

I can love you.

Yours.

For @lydzayar its people like you who make me keep writing.

 
 

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Day 2 Night 2


My Lovely Doris,

I miss you beyond comprehension my love. My heart is tires from the urge it has from beating when you are close… I don’t understand that last sentence!

It has been long since I last wrote, and I apologise… It has been a busy month! It is crazy at the office… It has been crazy everywhere… Elections and all… The man I voted for lost the elections… The ink on my pinky haunts me, reminding me every time that WE LOST! My president is in court though, WE REJECTED THE RESULTS!

I have so much to tell you my love… I want to tell you all of it… But I can’t! I have to work… For your food, mine and our future children…

I moved out of my mother’s house… ULULATIONS!

Now we can start making children! 🙂

I had no idea moving out was such an uphill task! That project is ELEPHANT! I knew this when I went to buy a mattress! In my head, a mattress and a bed would cost me, not a cent more than 15,000… A mattress is 23,000/- I almost shit my pants… Long story short, POOH JUST HIT THE FAN!

I managed, with some miracle, to get a bed and a mattress… Then there is duvets and sheets and pillows… SHIT! A duvet is 5,000/- THEN THERE IS SOMETHING CALLED DUVET INNER! WTF! That thing is like another 5,000/- and I don’t even have sheets yet! I will stop there because I am running short of breath just thinking about it!

I found Doris...

I found Doris…

Its Tuesday today… I have been in the new house two nights! Here is the journal:

NIGHT ONE:

My parents came over for dinner! With them, they carried my younger brother and sister and my cousin… If your math is right, those are five human beings… Not long after they walked in, 3 more relatives followed! We are now ten human beings in this house… My brother (I moved out with him) and I bought six things of shit… Six plates, six glasses, six bowls and a few spoons… Ok that’s it! It gets worse!

We did not have salt… So the food was pretty saltless! You must be asking yourself where the food came from… My mother!

As people ate, someone asked for drinking water… We had none… WE HAD NOTHING TO DRINK! We boiled water in the kettle and shoved it in the freezer, hoping it will get cold in a bit… By the time our visitors were leaving, the water was still steaming!! Our beloved guests went home choking on chapati and chicken!

I had to do the dishes after the guests left… THE AGONY! The last time I did dishes was somewhere in 2010! My brother refused to help, saying, and I quote, “I don’t do domestic chores!”

My brother and I went shopping for stuff we had just realised we did not have… Salt topping that list… We bought all sorts of beverages… sodas juice… tea… So next time we are ready for thirsty guests!

NIGHT TWO:

I got home about two hours before my brother… Those were the loneliest two hours of my life! Now I know how those wives whose husbands work late feel!!! No wonder they are always so bitter… ts fuckin’ lonely man!

I warmed some food leftover from the night before and popped a soda!

I almost took a shower because there was nothing else to do after eating!

I went to the kitchen with my laptop and watched an episode of Breaking Bad Season 4.

I live much further from my office… So I have to leave the house by 7… This is SHIT!

Best part of moving out – I WALK AROUND THE HOUSE IN MY BOXERS – LIBERATION!

I need to find out how electric bills are paid using that thing that looks like a calculator mounted at the door! I also need a house help… A French one if possible! But above all, I need Jesus!

 

 
12 Comments

Posted by on March 12, 2013 in big beautiful women, moving out, random

 

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Shiko & The Bedroom


Dear Doris,

I should not be writing to you at this time because I am stealing into my office hours. I am risking losing my job with every key I punch… My love for you is vast… Colossal… astronomical… boundless and capacious! Comprehensive, detailed and endless… Measureless… Not a single word that I have just googled can express these feelings Doris… Can’t you see?

I know what went through your mind immediately you read that title… Sex! Right? Which is not a sin… If you look at it critically, we owe this tiny segment of the house a lot. Considering you were probably made in one and you probably made your children in one or trying to ~ the cycle is vicious!!

Ok. I do not know what I wanted to achieve when I started this post like that!

The bedroom can be used for a number of things… A quiet and private place to rest… A place to sleep… A place to work and or work out… And most importantly… A place to coit! I am thinking if coitus is a noun, then coit must be its verb!

Moving on!

I have a theory on making babies who you want them to be before even you decide to start making them! I am straying from what I wanted to write about but this is important!

I highly believe in orientation: Setting the chill’s mind to a particular career… I am not making sense… Even I don’t understand what I am going on about!

For example… I believe that if you want your child to be a teacher… Try coiting on a teacher’s table!!! (I will be using coit & coiting  a lot so it is better you get used to is now).

If you want your child to grow up to be a chef… TRY THE KITCHEN COUNTER. Are you seeing where I am going with this? Probably not!! If you want a wrestler or weight lifter or just a pumped up kid… Try coiting in the gym… As in, give this baby a future right from the beginning!

If you want an astronaut, I suggest you try IT in a space ship, which explains extensively why there are such few astronauts in the world… Not all of us have access to NASA right?

If you want a surgeon, try an operating bed… I could go on and on!

So if your child is doing terribly at school or is just plain annoying as shit… Go back into time…. waaaayyyyy back…. was it in a toilet booth? That man you met at the club who sent your juices rushing so fast you could not wait to get home and decided to coit in the toilet?? I want you to think hard!

I don’t even want to start thinking how pathologists are made… And do you know why we have so many Business students graduating from our universities? Office romance! Coit in a prison cell and chances are you will be working your ass off to bail your child of prison for the rest of your life…

But that’s just my theory… It holds no water… But still, think about it!

Normally when I walk into my bedroom, the first thing I see is the full length mirror… The first thing I see is literally myself walking into the room… This normally triggers a tiny jester in my mind… I burst into dance…. Normally no the dance you are comfortable doing anywhere else… This is supposed to be a private room… So you do a dance that is never supposed to be seen.. EVER!

Most of the time I make my own beat… I then start shaking my body to my own beat…. If it gets deep into my head… I remove my shirt and throw it on the floor.. You know… like a stripper… I HAVE NO CLUE WHY I AM TELLING YOU ALL THIS BY THE WAY!

Then I remove my belt… and swing it violently round my head… Then I stop and change into my pjs… I don’t go too far because someone might be watching… I am extremely sure God is watching so I never want to embarrass myself! This was up until the other day… My normal routine… Take off the jacket… Then the shirt dancing vigorously forcing my eyes to see a six-pack that’s barely a pack!

Then I see something move outside the window…

My curtains were wide open… My house is directly opposite a few houses… You could read the book I am reading from across the court and here I was dirty dancing in front of a mirror being watched by hell knows who!!

So I quickly turn off my lights and draw the curtains, leaving a little space to spy on the spy!

I notice the shadow of a woman… I can tell its a woman because of the hair… It was either a woman or a man in a wig!

This person must have been watching me for years!

My heart was on my lips! I start going through the media files in my brain… How intense have I ever gotten… Did this person have recordings of me doing all this and would one day reveal them to the press one day when I become president??? SO MUCH TO PROCESS!!!

That was all the evidence I had. A female shadow or a man in a wig….. So basically I had nothing! It could have been anyone!

From that day on, I look at my neighbors straight in the eyes! Without blinking or looking away!! The first one who will burst out into laughter is the pervert who has been watching me dance…

Just before I leave… I had a whole post on how Kikuyus nickname themselves. I have sat and thought in length about whether to post it… I would look and sound extremely tribalistic which is not the case! So I have decided to shorten that post and add it on to this post. Having a whole post on Kikuyus will not look good… I am no tribalist and I keep on saying it… I apologize if anyone thinks so after this:

THE POST:

Before I go any further, I would like to make it clear that I am not a tribalist and whatever I am about to write should not be termed as tribalistic. I am a Luo man and I am about to write about a few things Kikuyus do… You know too well that these two communities are in constant quarrels… Worse yet, now that elections are coming up and Luos are calling Kikuyus names and Kikuyus calling Luos names ceteris paribus (spelt it right this time). I am not going to call Kikuyus names… I am going to call Kikuyu them names that they call themselves…

I am going to get into so much shit seeing how many Kikuyu women I know *cough* *hiccup*

I like padded yelo yelo women! In my part of the world, Kikuyu women have that covered! Please refer to this as many times as you can as you read this.

I have never understood the science behind how Kikuyus shorten their names!! You all get a new name all together! Like for example, Muthoni…. The normal way to shorten that would be Mutho, or Thoni or just Ni! Yes? How in the blazes does Muthoni become Soni??? I totally get the ‘ONI part of it but where did the ‘S’ come from??? This would totally put the dichotomous key in problems!

One of my biggest fans is called Soni and she will kill me!

I also have another friend called Wangari… In fact, she helped me with this post! So you Kikuyu who wants to yank my tongue out… Yank Wangari’s out first… She is the disloyal one!

Wangari becomes Kare… Surely!!! Again another letter from absolutely nowhere near the name itself… Totally ignoring that maybe it could be ‘Ngare’ or ‘Wanga’… Wait, I have a feeling ‘Wanga’ means something in Sheng’. No?

Wanjiku. I do not know any Wanjikus. If you are a Wanjiku and we know each other you should not worry, I will probably remember in the morning! So Wanjiku becomes Shiko! One of your ancestors adored the letter ‘S’! It is everywhere!!! If I was the one shortening this name, I would have put it as, ‘Njiko’ or ‘Wanji’ but the latter sounds like ‘Manji’ Which is not so bad considering your name will sound like a famous biscuit brand!

You are the only people in the world who will see Wanjiru as Shiro. Again with the ‘S’!

Wamboi becomes Foi and Gathoni Noni…

I don’t know any more names… I smell a witch hunt after this… So if you want to kill me, my weak spot is my left pinky toe. Shoot it with an arrow and I will die instantly!

 

 

 
11 Comments

Posted by on November 2, 2012 in big beautiful women, comedy, sex

 

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The Amazing Goodnight!


Dear Doris,

You fail me my love. Still no word from you. You let my heart be consoled by strange women. I received yet another letter. I could not understand a single word said in it but I was happy. Happy that another woman consoles my heart after noticing the tireless effort I input on trying to make you love me again!

It worries me that we might never be in love like we used… It worries me that I might be fighting a losing battle… But I would rather fight the battle anyway. Maybe someday you will realize we were brought to this earth to spend our lives together!

I apologize in advance, for the coming two months will pass with minimal communication because of this huge project I am part of that is going to take most of my time – and that is the Storymoja Hay Festival.

I am writing today about ‘The Amazing Goodnight!’ I am sure every single man reading this at this moment has experienced this. If you have not experienced this then there is something extremely wrong with you!!

Let me create a scene for you:

You are in the club and see this irresistible woman! She is in a tiny red dress and midnight black felt heels… Her hair is long and light and sways with the slightest move of her head. Her waist is slender and her behind worth an effort. Her eye lashes seductively call out with every blink…

You have to have her…

You walk to her… Small talk… You make her laugh… You pound on your chest with pride on the inside… She gives you her number which you save on all your phones and back up on a cloud incase shit happens and you lose your phone…

You do not communicate for 3 days like the typical male Homo sapiens…

Then you text…

‘Hey beautiful?’

She replies, ‘Who is this?’

You reply, ‘Onyango!’

She might not remember… Or she remembers and is playing games… Either way, you have to explain yourself.

‘We me Saturday night!’ You reply…

‘oh yeah. :)’ she replies.

My friend this is how you tell you are about to get an ‘amazing goodnight!’

She will say ‘I am not interested in talking to you right now’ politely. If you have the slightest bit of intellect, you will, and I stress, end this conversation like this or any other way you deem right…

‘Was just checking up on your beautiful self…’

She might say ‘Awww. Thanks’ or just ‘Thanks!’ Do not reply this text… That way you both go to bed happy…

Things will go wrong if you reply tis,

‘oh yeah. :)’ with, ‘so how are you?’

This is like asking the pope about condoms… He has heard everything on the topic!

If you get an extremely rude woman, she will say, ‘I am ok. Nyt.’ That is 1st Degree AMAZING GOODNIGHT! (It is called amazing because it does not call for a response. It ends the conversation immediately)

You might also get, ‘ttyl. goodnight!’ 2nd DEGREE AMAZING GOODNIGHT. (she has given you permission to try again another day!)

Or, ‘goin to bed now. Will call you tmrw’ 3rd DEGREE AMAZING GOODNIGHT. (Be warned that SHE WILL NOT CALL. She has, without mentioning it, given you the permission to call her the next day)

Normally she will be doing something thats evidently more important than talking to you; like, ‘Have to drive my dad to the hospital’ or ‘talking to mum’

Be advised that an AMAZING GOODNIGHT has no response whatsoever. If you receive the the texts or anything near them, do not reply. Go to bed and think about what you are doing wrong!!

Some men will reply though, it is not like we were all born on a dark Friday night! … Be advised that from that reply onwards, you should declare yourself a slave! You just gave a woman enough reason to walk all over you! AND SHE WILL! AND YOU WILL LET HER!

Signs of an ‘amazing goodnight’

  • Shortened words: ttyl, nyt, gdnyt, slp tyt, tmrw, goin, night.
  • Signs of no efforts to write the text: tk kesho, :), 🙂
  • Curt/rude: i am ok. nyt.

But do not lose heart… Amazing goodnights are just a woman’s way of saying ‘I don’t feel like talking to you right now’ it is way better than us men WHO WILL NOT REPLY if we do not feel like talking…

Like I always say, ‘If she had the time to say NO, then she can be convinced…’™

For Brendah

 
 

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