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Category Archives: matatu tales

An Orgy of Worms


Dear Doris,

I have not written to you in over a month. I have since been reduced to a vessel of thoughts and dreams of being with you again! I miss you in a quite simple desperate human way. I have never, not once, stopped thinking about you… And I will never, not once, stop loving you…. For the love I have for you is all that drives blood through my very body!

I have just come back to the office from Sarit Centre. I went by matatu. Sarit Centre has a lot of construction work going on at their parking lot lately and it is less hectic just taking a matatu there! My office is five minutes away. Also it is 20 bob!

‘Life has become a bit boring’ That is what I was thinking about up until I decided to clear my throat on the bus back to the office from Sarit!

Let me explain, If I take a matatu to work, it leaves me at Agip Bus Station, just near Times Towers in town. I get the next matatu to Spring Valley at Koja Bus Park/Fire Station! That is a definite 2 kilometres (My Nike+ phone app says I burn unto 300 Calories walking this stretch)  that cuts clean across the CBD. It is a long walk that destroys my shoes… I can sometimes almost feel their pain – My shoes! All the way from dustless streets of England to the heart of cracked pavements and fearless dust that is so fine that it penetrates through the leather! This can be seen from dusty toes in the evening!

Where was I?

Yes! As you walk through the CBD, there are all kinds of things you inhale. There is a dry cleaning shop next to Re Insurance Plaza that stinks of sodium hydrochloride that irritates the alveoli and a little further ahead, a bakery that smells of stale cake. There are a number of fast food joints that smell the same like they all use one chef! Poor fowl rotating helplessly on grills with metal rods that go through their body from anus straight up to the parting of the shoulders!

There are also shoe shops that smell of plastic with a recorded marketer playing from a radio! “VIATUUUUUUU! VIATUUUUUUU! MIA MBILIIIIIII! VIATUUUUUU!” over and over and over! And the numerous matatus and buses that bellow so much carbon monoxide as if they ran on fart instead of diesel!

By the time you get across town, your lungs are small factories! This normally gives you the urge to clear your throat! That is how the body is designed… I think! Let’s go back to the bus from Sarit!

I was standing holding the two parallel rods that run on the roof of the bus… It was a green and white bus – Walokana Bus! The bus smelled of a market. You know that heavy smell of vegetables going bad? And maybe a fart or two? The woman who sat in front of me had 2 gunias of cabbage that had each occupied a seat. She was big and dark! Her hair was thick and dark brown! Her clothes had almost no colour probably from washing them countless times and her gumboots were worn out! She was scary! The woman who sat on the opposite row, let’s call her woman A, had a hairstyle that looked like multiple obese worms orgied on her head. The man who sat next to her was dead asleep and his snore roared in harmony with the bus’ engine.

Doris...

Doris…

Then I cleared my throat!

You too are human, you have sometimes cleared your throat and, well, a thick ball of phlegm shot out of your mouth unintentionally! Yes? That is why it is always advised to cover the mouth when clearing the throat… Or coughing… Or sneezing!!! And for some people, even when taking!

Back to me…

A neat ball of phlegm shot out of my mouth so fast that I almost missed seeing it! With both my hands holding the two rods. The bustard found its way and neatly found its way to the cluster of worms on the woman A’s head! She felt it land on her head and even felt her head to feel what it was. She caught it and rubbed her fingers together to check on viscosity then looked at IT!

I looked around and realised three people had witnessed this. One of these people was the cabbage dealer!

“Mwambie ama nimwambie!” The woman who dealt in cabbage said loudly looking straight into my eyes…

I looked at the woman I had just planted DNA on and she looked right back!

“Mwambie!!!” The cabbage dealer repeated… I just stood there rooted on the spot! Felt like I had swallowed an avocado. I could not breath! The other two people who saw what happened just stared at me blankly!

The cabbage dealer was so loud that she caught the attention of half the bus!

“Ni nini Njoki?” the tout asked the cabbage dealer…

“Kutema tema mate ovyo…” Njoki replies still waiting for me to confess… My office was still a bit far out but I was willing to get off! There exists a peculiar idleness in Nairobi that can see one lynched for the stupidest of reasons!

“Nishukishe!” I tell the tout who ignores my plea and turns to Njoki! “Nani ametema mate!?” He asks…

“JISEME!!!!” Njoki shouts not looking at anyone in particular!!!

Someone had to get off so the bus stopped… I jumped out almost dislocating my wrist on the door…

I think Njoki told the woman what had happened before the bus left because she, Woman A, spat at me through the window missing me by a prayer!!! It landed right at the tip of my left shoe! Nothing wet wipes couldn’t handle!!!

P.S – For all #DearDoris fans who voted and supported US throughout the BAKE Awards period, thank you so much! We came in 2nd place in Best Creative Blog and 3rd Place in Best Kenyan Blog. Keep reading, I will keep writing! I had no clue so many people thrive on my misfortunes! 🙂

I love you all…

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31 Comments

Posted by on May 12, 2014 in comedy, matatu tales, near death

 

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HOW TO ABDUCT A PROSTITUTE


My Lovely Doris,

Happy new year my love. I had planned to write to you yesterday night but I almost lost a finger when I slammed the door on it, a fact you have to keep in mind for I will bring it up later on… I am finding it extremely hard to type this because of this. But My Doris, what pain can’t I go through to talk to you… What mountain cant I climb to be with you…. What river cant I swim Doris… What keyboard cant I type on with a busted finger???

Nothing can keep me away from you…

20140101_001527

The pants I ripped at the dancing competition!

Oh, and I won a fridge at a dancing competition at a New Years Party 🙂 I tore my pants during the process…

Because it is really hard for me to type, I beg you to please forgive me, for this will be a short letter…

I was at my parents house in Kileleshwa yesterday for dinner at about 4pm… That is where I slammed the door on my finger. This was so painful that I went straight to sleep. I got up at about 7pm to eat. But this is not the story!

I couldn’t open my car door now that it does not have those fancy things on the key holder people press on to give a funny whistle and open doors… My door is old school… You have to not only twist the keys but TWIST  REALLY HARD! With my woiye finger, this was impossible, so he watchman helped open the door… Valet nini nini!

Driving home, my brother calls and asks me to get him cigarettes on my way home… So I stop at Amazon to buy a pack.

Now listen very carefully…

When coming out of the car I locked the door from inside forgetting I could not unlock it by myself… So after getting the cigarettes, I stood next to my car feeling a bit stupid…. I had to ask for help… The only people in sight at the time were: The guard at the ATM machines, The Kula Korna attendant (who was inside the store) and a random prostitute… The prostitute was closest to me and in very many ways, the most appropriate candidate. So…

“Excuse me… Please come help me open my door… I hurt my hand…” Like I was raised…. I ASKED POLITELY…

The guard at the ATM machines heard what I said and started walking towards us…

Now before I explain to you all the drama that ensued, I need you to know something… What I just did was the perfect way to abduct a prostitute… You ask her to open the door for you and once they do, you push them inside and drive off… Apparently, I am the only person in that area at that particular time that did not know this fact… The guard explained in a raised voice.

“Huyu fala anataka kunibaka nini, wadhani mi dush nini?” The prostitute shouts…

She was very light-skinned… The prostitute that is… Her hair was nothing beyond an inch and was greasy and curly! She had on a white vest and a terrible jean skirt that only covered her pelvis area… The skirt was so short it could pass for a belt! Her thighs were not as light as her face… And her face was lighter than her hands… She looked like a collage! A human made from different human beings…. SHe had green heels that had shinny studs on them… You know the new design with spikes? She had a red shiny clutch purse that was held tightly under her arm-pit! Coming to think of it, she was dressed in the Kenyan flag colours…

Be advised that prostitutes really know how to start drama… The watchman was right next to her saying… “Tumewaona wengi boss…. Tumewaona wengi! Tunawajua nyinyi!”

NOTE: My Swahili is terrible and everything I write in the same  is not too accurate.

This is today in a bus to work... The struggle is real!

This is today in a bus to work… The struggle is real!

These two human beings had made the whole fuel station come to a stand still… And do you know the painful thing, I COULD NOT GET INTO MY FUCKIN CAR!!!!  I dropped my keys twice fumbling with the lock…. I gave up and just stood there…

The prostitute was now hitting my car calling me ‘rapist’… “You rapist… You rapist!” she went on and on… I could tell she was Kikuyu because the more she said ‘rapist’ the more the ‘R’ got lost… No offence… I am already a rapist, I do not want to be a tribalist as ell….

There was a small crowd that had surrounded me at this point… But no one was willing to listen to what I had to say…

A relatively smartly dressed man got to where we were and asked to see this finger I was talking about. He was a short man so he was not very intimidating as he thought he was. He had black pants, a white shirt and a red tie. His stomach had exceeded his shirt… Diamond shaped spaces formed in between his shirt buttons… One of his legs was shorter than the other one, this was evident from his limp. His glasses sat on his nose with no symmetry whatsoever. He was definitely in charge. He took me inside the wine store where there was a bit of light. Luckily, my finger was a bit black and it was a bit clear that I was not well.

So because of all the drama I caused, I was told never to go back there. The strange man walked me to my car, opened my door and said, “Please never come back here again…

___

I have just heard someone say a woman should MATTER… That is, Have weight and occupy space 😀 I have died many small deaths!

____

My next post will be ‘What To Wear On Your First Date: A Manual For Women

 

 
12 Comments

Posted by on January 7, 2014 in matatu tales, my car

 

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WHAT REALLY HAPPENED AT WESTGATE MALL


My Love Doris,

It has been a long time since I had an opportunity of writing to you my Doris, and I gladly avail myself of the present opportunity. I am not certain that I will have a chance of sending this but I will write a few lines any how and try to get it off to let you know that I am among the living.

Did you hear about the Wastgate Mall terrorist attack? It was horrible my love… Not knowing where you were at the time made it worse… I have no idea if you are alive… But my heart is at rest… That can only mean that you are some place safe and alive… I could always tell when you were poorly…

My love, I was sure I was over you up until I stumbled upon a few of your pictures on my phone! I deleted all of them by the way… But we both know the pictures of you embedded deep in my mind can only be deleted by the silencing of my heart… The quietness of the chambers programmed to propel blood through my body… The stillness of my pulse… Only that can muzzle my love for you!

But this is not my story…

I took my car in for a paint job yesterday and I will not be getting it back up until Friday… This could only mean one thing… Matatu to and from work up until Friday!

I got onto a matatu to town with Alexander Muge at about 7pm. I had really thought about leaving my computer at the office because of the fear of it getting stolen! Alexander Muge, “The way you are tall you are scared!” Needless to say I carried it! The matatu to town was alright! Nothing too alarming. The driver kept on saying things about Westgate in Kikuyu which was a bit annoying because I was really interested in the topic!

I had 26 shillings between me and the nearest ATM so Alexander paid my bus fair…

“How can an adult walk around with 26 shillings in CBD here!?” he kept on asking!

Alexander took me to where Madaraka matatus are and left for the South B stage!

I sat on my best matatu seat… Co driver’s seat – at the window!

It didn’t take long before some lady came and gestured that she wanted to sit between the driver and I… She was on the phone, speaking in fathomless sheng! She was talking at the capital of her voice and laughing after everything she said… It was not too annoying!

Her handbag was the size of a body bag! With zebra print… But not black and white… It was red and white! It had massive gold coated chains for handles that jingled uncontrollably! The bag did not have much in it… I could tell because whatever was inside kept on moving back and forth every time she laughed! Her nails were neon pink… I could not stop staring! Her pants neon green… She had a white vest on that did not look clean… I did not see the dirt but I could feel it… You know how you can feel dirt? Not by touching it… It is like a thick cloud around you… You can’t smell it… BUT YOU KNOW ITS THERE!

A red shiny belt was tied tightly round her waist… It was not expensive… I have seen those belts being sold on the streets.

I did not see her shoes probably because the colour of her nails caught my eyes fast… And the ways she was waving her hand with every sheng conjunction, I could not concentrate on anything else!

She was now seated between the driver and myself…

“Haiya dakika kama punch hivi nakam!” That was the last thing she said before she hung up and threw her phone in the abyss of a bag…

Let me make this clear, she was not bad-looking. With a little L’Oreal here and a little Shower To Shower there she would be something!

There is this weirdness when you are seated there silent next to an obvious motormouth! It is almost like she is going to ambush you with a conversation!

And she did…

“We unado?” She asked… I was holding my laptop tight at this point. Not because she might steal it but because the matatu had started moving and I have watched the videos on Youtube where people steal things from matatus!

She caught me off guard… I had suspected she was going to start a conversation from the way she looked at me… But all normal conversations start with introductions… Like, I start all of mine by, “Hi, Ian is my name and I write books for children.” That is from the time 3 of my books were approved by KIE for the Kenya school curriculum! Just saying!

“Poa!” I answer without thinking about it one bit!

“Huh! Wacha presha!” she says… “Yani na-mean unado job gani? Ama uko Kole?” She continued!

I have never had this conversation in sheng and did not know how to answer…

I do a lot but was trying to figure out what in particular would stir a good conversation… So I answered, “Naandika vitabu za watoto!”

“Haki Gai! Wacha!” She burst out! I had not idea if this was a, “PLEASE DO GO ON!” prompt!

“Ndio!” I say! Ebu niambie kama gani?” She asks

Please be advised that none of the books I have written are out yet and they are kids books… This was a tricky question! It is not like Id go like Cinderella na Snow White… So I go like, “Can You See me, The Odd ne Out…” She cut me mid-statement!

“Hizo ndio gani! Gai!” She spits!

This is Warsan shire and I at The Storymoja Hay Festival sometime last week...

This is Warsan shire and I at The Storymoja Hay Festival sometime last week… I will write about the Storymoja Hay Festival soon…

 

“Za watoto!” I answer innocently! At this moment I can’t wait to come out of the matatu!

The makanga saves me at this point by ordering, “Pesa mbele!” And at that split second it hits me that I have only 26 bob on me! The ride was 50 bob! My heart is beating so fast at this point! Thing is, I was more scared of what this lady would say more than what the makanga would do…

I am taking my time going through my multiple pockets hoping to find a coin or two I might have overlooked in the past… The 3 coins in my pocket were sure! A twenty bob, a five bob and a one bob! I was finished. The lady had paid her fair and gotten back her change and was now looking at me almost sure that I had no money!

“Hauna doe!” She asks almost laughing!

“Niko nayo!” I answer… I lie! I remove the 26 bob and continue looking for more coins! The makanga persistent! “PESA MBELE!”

I go through my laptop bag and get another 1 bob!

“Maze kuniaibisha nayo!” The lady says and gives the makanga a 50 bob! “Ntakusmamia hii riba!” She continues!

“Una doe home? Juu unajua lazima unilipe hiyo doe!” She says looking out the driver’s window! Like she was ignoring my presence! There was a peculiar graveness in her voice!

“Unashuka wapi?” I ask her…

“Pahali utashukia!” she retorts! “SI unanipa doe!”

I think fast and suggest we get off in Nairobi West where there’s an ATM so I get her the money!

“Na interest ujue…” She storms.

I met these kids at the Storymoja Hay Festival. They made this coffin from bamboo. Apparently bamboo grows a metre a day and is more environment friendly to use it than hard wood.

I met these kids at the Storymoja Hay Festival. They are from a school in Kisumu I think… They made this coffin from bamboo. Apparently bamboo grows a metre a day and is more environment friendly to use it than hard wood.

“Wewe unado?” I ask… It did not come out right because she burst out laughing!

“Unanibamba!” She says but does not answer my question! I did not know how to ask another one so I let it go… She was quiet for a while… Looking outside the driver’s window!

Then, “Niko KIM!” She says… “Niko karibu kumada lakini. Nipate kadiploma yangu!” She continues!

“Kenya Institute of Management?” I ask only realising how stupid that was after it came out!

“Kwani unajua ingine? Unanibamba yani!” she answers again almost laughing!

“Sijui hata jinaako…” She asks…

“Hata mimi sijui yako!” I respond!

“Kwani ni brikicho!” She comes back…

“Naitwa Genevieve!” She continues!

I wanted to lie… But I am a terrible liar… The only name that was in my head that was not mine was Ole Lenku… So I went like “Lenku!” I had not thought about it…

“Gai!” She says and looks out the driver’s window again!

We do not speak up until we get off at Nairobi West!

“Unastay wapi?” She asks as we walk to the ATM machine.

“Mada!” I answer. “Na wewe?” I continue!

“Siwaka!” She responds! “Umeandika vitabu ngapi?” She continues.

“Nne!” I answer.

“Gai! Nne pekee?!” She asks in a mocking tone! “Kwani zina pages thao!?” She continues now laughing!

She was still laughing by the time we got to the ATM 5 minutes later!

I had to look for change for a while. It is not like ATMs dish 50 bobs… Except Equity ones… Or do they? I do not know!

From the ATM we walk to Madaraka talking about how boring her lecturers are and how shy I am…

I walked into the wrong court because I feared she might come looking for me someday!

“HAUCHUKUI NAMBA YANGU!!!?” she asks annoyed. “Ow seven seven…” She starts. I am looking for my phone frantically because I had kept it so far inside my jacket for safety!

She gets impatient… “Ah! Wachana nayao… Ntakupata tu!” She says and walks away…

AND THAT IS DAY ONE…

Oh! And I do not think anyone knows what happened at Westgate just yet… We are all Waiting for Mohammed Ali to do a documentary on it!

As ever your devoted and loving man….

Ian

 
47 Comments

Posted by on October 1, 2013 in comedy, matatu tales

 

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Electric Avenue


Doris wangu,

*Lets see how much Swahili I have learnt*

Naomba mi na wewe tuwe. Kutoka tulipo kutana, sija wai kufikiria tuta’achana, lakini, tulivopendana hueleweki unaniumiza sana… Upendo gani na sikuoni baby? Upendo gani hupatikani honey? Upendo gani huniamini baby? Uliemyafuta ulisha pata, anaekupenda sana kweli usiwai kata. Mimi na we, twende wote kwote unataka. Tukae, tule, tunywe ujue mi nilisha data. Wasikudanganye eti sina uwezo, ninao, na sio mchezo. Mbona kunipa mawazo. Hamua, hamua, hamua baby.

Moyo wako ufungue,upendo wa ukweli uje uingie, nacho omba kama niko na wewe, utaratibu pekee baby tuendele. Mimi na we, tuwe wote milele.

Ok you must be wondering how extremely good I am… Those two paragraphs are from my best song right now called Valu Valu by Chameleon…

On to more pressing matters…

P.S – My head is pounding as I write this…

The other day I decided to use a matatu to go to work. This was a random idea conceived from the lack  of what to write to Doris About! Be sure when I get into a matatu, THERE WILL BE A STORY! I have this mentality that all matatus driving towards the CBD go to the CBD. So when the makanga went like “Mbao mbao B… Mbao mbao B” I thought it was a really cool deal… I got in short gun and fell asleep… It was like 8am.

“MWISHO mzito!” the makanga calls out and shook me so vigorously that I felt my brain move inside my head!

I was NOT ANYWHERE near CBD! I did not know where I was and I was not going to embarrass myself by asking the makanga where I was.. So I got off and confidently walked the man like I knew where I was going… Heading straight for a butchery!

I asked the butcher where I was… Before he could answer, a kid jumped up from behind the counter and asked, “umepotea?”

Nairobi Hustle!

Nairobi Hustle!

“South B!” The butcher replies! “Matatu za kuenda tao ni mamba?” I ask him… He doesn’t answer… He points at a cluster of old vans across the road using a butcher’s knife.

“Tao ngapi!” I ask the makanga… “Salasa!” he replies! I had no idea what salasa is but he was going to town and that was the most important thing!

Let us fast forward up till home time… And Yes I got to the office safe!

So you know how shitty the Nairobi weather has been lately… It has been raining camels and hounds!

It is home time and I have to leave the office. It is raining hard… I have to leave with the rain pouring because for one, I have no clue where to get Madaraka matatus in town! And two… There is no two!

I get to town and ask around… No one like giving directions when its raining…

I ask this guy who was standing outside Sanford… “Buda, mat za Mada nachukua wapi?” The young man looks at me and very disgusted replies, “Wacha kunipima akili we fala!”

I walked away quietly extremely confused!

“Bus station” A watchman I asked replied… That was not close!

So I am walking in the rain… I am drenched and I stop caring about being rained on!

I get to Sunbeam (near Bus Station) and there is this annoying Kikuyu man walking very slowly in front of me taking on his phone… I know he was Kikuyu he was wearing a promotional TNA hat. He might have been a Luo, and if he was a Luo, then he was one Luo with major balls! Oh and he was speaking Kikuyu or Spanish, or Greek… I could not understand a thing he said!

I pray that doesn’t sound tribalistic… I hate tribalism!

Anyhu… Overtaking this guy would have meant going out of the pavement and into the rain! I liked the pavement so I trailed him and cussed at him inside my head!

Then the man stops on his tracks! I almost bump into him… I am so pissed of I decide to go around him… THEN HE STARTS SHAKING VIGOROUSLY ON THE SPOT!

In my head this man could be going through one of two things:

1. He had just discovered he was pressed and couldn’t hold it in any longer! or

2. He was going through an epilepsy attack…

My conclusion, epileptic fits make you fall so he was definitely pressed!

It was weird because I just stood there looking at him shake for a few seconds before he fell… In Nairobi you never know what to when you see someone in need of help… It might be a ploy to rob you of all your stuff… As in, in this city no one can be trusted…

Thats when I saw what he was standing on! An electric FUCKIN line…

No one stopped to help him… I was still rooted on the spot! The man’s phone was still in his grasp! His eyes were open and he was looking straight at me! There was no way I was going to touch him…  I would shake in the same way, fall to the ground and look at someone else… As in the cycle would be vicious!

A random man jumped out of god knows where with a huge broom and hit the guy on the ground with the intention of moving him to a safe place… I think! This was absolutely unnecessary!

In seconds people started helping… A crowd formed around the guy… I was still at the exact spot I stood…

The man did not die… I think!

He should have won wellingtons though! I got Madaraka matatus by the way…

International news: Kim Kardashian is pregnant!

Do you see how extremely useless that information is? Imagine reversing it… Someone telling Kim Kardashian that Mary Atieno is pregnant! Makes absolutely no sense!

 
10 Comments

Posted by on April 15, 2013 in comedy, matatu tales, moving out, random

 

AMSTERDAM HAS A WEIRD MAN!


My lovely Doris,

I have made up my mind… I am no longer unsure about us moving in together as I was a few years back. I have a well paying job now and yet to get my own place. I beg of you to still be patient with me… We will share one roof very soon.

I am happy today, even though I have a really bad cough! I cant remember the last time I had a cough before this. I must have been four or six or any of those ages where I had to take Calpol…

The ride home was eventful… I fell asleep almost immediately I got on the matatu ( I get confused… Is it ‘get in the matatu’ or ‘get on the matatu’ or get into the matatu’? My English is not very good seeing that I used to teach my high school English teacher English! I Aced it either way) Where was I before that rude thought interrupted me?

Yes…. The matatu…

I am really tall… And I have a long neck (I come from a genealogy of models) I want you to try picture a man dozing off whilst seated on a bench… Can you see him? Yeah… Now alternate roles… Put me where that man is…. Then put a matatu seat under my buttocks… I am completely asleep… Now I want you to imagine the matatu speeding at a corner… I am thrown sideways. My head land on something really soft. Not the soft for a thick bosom… or padded thigh… A different soft… Like a furry carpet…or hay… I opened my eyes and made sense of my surrounding. I had hit the woman sitting next to me… Her head… On her head was a bushy weave… It was so bushy it broke my fall! She quickly fixed it without saying a word. That ladies and gentlemen is called CONFIDENCE…

I fell asleep again not long after!

thats me and my friend Denet

I think I was dreaming because I opened my eyes and with absolutely no reason at all, I shouted, ‘NASHUKA!’ I was at Chiromo Fly-over! That is like 15 bus stops before my house… The matatu stopped and I got off trying to figure out what just went down!

As I write this I am listening to a Skype conversation between a colleague of mine and a white man… It is completely awkward. He doesn’t know I am in the office. It is Saturday, and I am never in the office on Saturdays because its Sabbath, but there was an emergency today – same freakin’ emergency that saw me working till 11.30 last night! But that is not my tale… I have always wanted to use that word… TALE! hehe! I am happy!

I knew there was something fishy immediately i heard an English accent from the other side…

(WHY THE HELL DO PEOPLE SHOUT WHEN ON SKYPE!?)

“Hello Justin*” The deep white voice… (Justin is not his real name… I am protecting his identity)

“Are you at the office” The deep voice continues.

Justin* is excited. You can tell from his ‘jumpy’ voice. “Hiiiiii… How are you? Yes I am at the office!” Justin* replies! I am in a different room so I cant see his body movements, but if I were to guess, he would almost be clapping with excitement!

“Why are you in the office on a Saturday?” The white deep voice thats getting deeper… Or its the excitement building up in my soul… I was sensing a scandal… and I AM NEVER WRONG!

“Ahhh.. I just came to do a few things….” he answers trying to look cool…

“Are you alone?” The deep voice cuts in mid sentence…

“Yeah…  am so bored here… I wish you could just take the next jet here!” Justin* says with a naughty giggle!

I AM SO HAPPY RIGHT NOW THAT I HAD TO GET OFF MY SEAT AND PACE IN MY TINY OFFICE… I dont think I was ready to listen to the rest of this conversation… “hahaha!” the white voice lets out a JOLLY laugh! “I want that too!” He says…

{something tells me I might get into trouble writing this story but what the hell}

“Just for a weekend…” Justin says, sounding convincing.

This is what men tell women they want to sleep with. I mean, you coming for a weekend for what… Pizza?! Or a visit to Uhuru park… I was smelling an ignominy! I remove my shoes and tip toe to Justin’s office door… YES I AM A REPORTER AT HEART… IF I WANT A STORY, I WILL GET IT!

Justin* must have heard me because he stopped talking and looked towards my direction… I had to tip toe to a safe location… My office! I was just in time to hung up on someone…. My phone lights up for about 3  seconds before it bursts into melody when a call comes in! I was in time to hung up at the light 😀 I had to get my story!

I missed a chunk of the conversation as all this was going on… The white voice was now singing! I was dying of laughter inside… There had to be an explanation! Why was this man singing to this other one… He goes on for about two minutes…. Justin* is clapping saying, “ohhhh wowwww…. You sing so well!” At this point I was extremely confused… I knew enough information to be assassinated!  hats not the end of it…. Justin also broke out in song… I was dying! The man could sing… But his audience was scandalous! The white voice knew the song and they sing together… For the next three minutes that felt like 6 hours… The sung away…!

Then the all clapped!

“How much is a return flight to Amsterdam” Justin asks.

“About 900 dollars…” The white voice who now has a location! Only a few more minutes and these two would me on auto pilot!

“Thats about 75,000 Shillings! That is a lot…” Justin says…

“Do not worry, tell me when you want to come and I will pay for you…” The white deep voice says like it was nothing!

“WOW!” Justin says (WHAT IS THIS WOW THING!!!! ITS ANNOYING)

I didnt see my phone light up… It rung so loudly i jumped!

“What was that?!” the white deep voice asked…

“Let me check…” Justin said and that was the end of the conversation… Theres something I still cant put a finger on…. When justin got to my office, he was smiling mischievously… THERE WAS SOMETHING ABOUT TO GO DOWN THAT MY PHONE MESSED UP…. I am suing Blackberry!

I have to stop here because I have to start on a different post about  this all white party my people and I chattered a plane  to go to last weekend…

For Nguhi

 
18 Comments

Posted by on June 9, 2012 in comedy, matatu tales, sex

 

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TUMBLE DRY


Dear Doris,

My Love…. My Life… My Everything! How I am lifeless without you by my side! My heart bleeds with the distance… I am trying to work it out on my own. But it is weighing me down. But my love, let us think only of the blessings that God may yet have in store for this long distance relationship. It is an amazing feeling to be in love with you – an affection exceeding a thousand times my low moments, which has continued so many years, and is yet undiminished…Never will I marry in this world if I marry not you. Truly can I say that for the seven years since I vowed my love for you, I have foregone all company, and the society of all females (except my own relations) for your sake.

My love, I am a tad confused on where to start today…

I have just noticed its 5:30pm WHICH IN LAYMAN’S TONGUE MEANS HOME TIME so I will be quick…

I really want to tell you a story about this woman who was too fat she had to be TAGGED out of the matatu by two guys but something tells me that is not drama enough to waste my time on…

I have just finished reading this book called Pigeon English… About this 11-year-old Ghanaian boy who moves to the UK with his mum and older sister… The boy dies at the end… That bit f*ked my day… So excuse my emotions from here on…

If there is anything I cannot stand more than maziwa mala it is an illiterate woman! Trust me THEY ARE THERE!!! I am so angered right now!

I know you are asking yourself how to tell if a woman is illiterate! Apart from the obvious ones like letting a matatu driver touch you THERE and using tnx instead of ‘thank you’! Allow me to elaborate!

Lets us start from the very beginning:

Noah Merriam Webstar defines illiterate as showing or marked by a lack of acquaintance with the fundamentals of a particular field of knowledge. He goes on to clarify that it is showing a lack of familiarity with language and literature!

Case Study:

In the matatu yesterday (that’s where all the drama starts man) a woman sat beside me. You already know I have a terrible habit of reading other people’s texts!

She was texting her friend (a woman), or  a man called Wanja! I don’t look into details! Her first text:

“Xema…” Let me stop RIGHT THERE! I SHE DID NOT JUST REPLACE THE ‘S’ WITH AN ‘X’! That was the first nail to her casket!

I continue…

“Xema Wanja. Magne I hnt fkd hom!”

I can imagine the look on your face… I had the exact one when iI saw it!

I recited it in my head over and over again! NOTHING! I had no idea what she was trying to say… This behavior is exhibited by people who lack familiarity with language…

She was beautiful and had a nice ass… but her points were falling fast!

A reply came in…

“Kwani uko wapi. baithewei tnx for teh frts!”

It is quite evident that birds of a feather flock together! We are now dealing with two very special species… Scientific name: Idiotas illiteratus!

I figured ‘baithewei’ in literate is ‘by the way’! Please advise if I am wrong! And ‘tnx’ is Thanks. ‘teh’ is probably ‘the’ and ‘frts’ I dont even want to think about! I HAD NO IDEA WHATSOEVER WHAT THE TWO WERE TALKING ABOUT!

Idiotas illiteratus #1 replies

“hbri ya Davi?” Ok this bit I got… “Habari ya Davi”

Idiotas illiteratus #2 replies almost immediately, “xawa 2! 7 mnths!” I decoded the cryptic message. “Sawa tu. 7 months!”

I gave up. I had no idea what was going on! I could not follow!

Among all the women I have dated, only two were evidently illiterate… Non of which lasted more than 216 hours! My high school was in the middle of nowhere so there was very little to work with. The beautiful ones barely had brains and the intelligent ones barely had a face! I am not being mean… That just how it is!

Because in high school, in the middle of nowhere, no one actually cares if the girl you are walking with has an amazing project for science congress or led in Siaya-Bondo Mathematics (this was the hardest math exam in the region)… I would tend to lean on the looks… You got more marks…

Let me tell you about Berryl* . That might or might not be her real name for identity protection!

She was a tad yellow… Just a tad but had a globe for an ass. Berryl* would write a letter with ‘sweetheart’ being used 79 times all of which were spelt differently and non was correct! Remind me to scan a note she wrote to me and include it on my next post! I couldn’t handle it!

Meet Beatrice* I ended the relationship when she spelt ‘bitch’ as ‘beach’! Too much pride… Too much pride!

I really wanted to merge this with ‘HOW A WOMAN SHOULD DRESS’ But I am afraid it will be too long. So that will be my next letter… Which I will have up before mid-night!

Oh and about the title: I HAVE ALWAYS WANTED TO USE ‘TUMBLE DRY’…. I love it!! TUMBLE DRY!

‘When you marry an illiterate woman as a wife, you will definitely make stupid decisions like jonathan’ –wole soyinka

 
8 Comments

Posted by on May 17, 2012 in comedy, matatu tales, women tales

 

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MEN MULTI TASK IF ASKED OF THEM… OR IF ALLOWED!


Dear Doris,

I do love nothing in the world so well as you! I know my love, that life has never been easy for the two of us… I still don’t understand why it’s so hard for us yet we love each other so much… Sometimes I can even hear the hate for me in your voice… But I ignore it, because I know love conquers all. I know its in loving someone like you that one can truly feel life is really worth it. You are worth every second and breath of me. I pray we spend the rest of our lives together… In love, in hate, in doubt… If we are to disagree during the day… I want to be the one to hold you during the night… I want to be there when you laugh… I want to be the one who has no idea what to do when you cry… I want to be there for you… SO please stop being cruel already!

FULL STOP.

I have noticed with great concern that all my recent letters are about matatus or something related to the topic… I am sorry if it is getting monotonous! But put yourself in my position… It’s always raining… I spend my day at the office and my nights, like normal human beings, in bed! I only have a small crack in between the two variables… When the rain stops maybe I will write you a letter about… about… mm… I have no clue whatsoever!

This is yet another one about a matatu!! Or rather, what went down in the matatu…

BUILDING SCENE AND PLOT:

Nairobi is a wet mess… [no matter how you read that it will end up in sex] Its raining most of the day and raining hard [another one of those sentences that you have to be careful on which word you stress]

Lets swiftly move on…

This is the perfect weather for making babies… or just the perfect weather for trying to make babies without actually wanting to have a baby… I would like to term it as the excellent  conditions for occupying vagistan! This weather makes you  do things… And it’s completely understandable… No one wants to be alone at this time of year… It is just depressing!

You must be asking yourself how this will relate to a matatu… The shocking thing is that it does… In ways you would not imagine!

I am on a matatu from town to Kileleshwa…. I fought so hard to get onto it in the rain. My trench coat is dripping wet. I got the best seat… The co-driver’s seat [refer to my ‘Where to Sit’ post.]  Between me and the driver is a woman… Evidently in her 30’s. Her face had started showing the QUESTION ‘what have I done with my life?’ You know that face? All 35+year olds in a matatu ask themselves the same thing… I can’t explain it better than that.

She is wearing a blue dress made out of t-shirt material! I don’t know if you know those dresses women wear. Its revealing but you still can’t see sh*t! It’s easily flows to her ankles! She has been rained on so you can see her underwear! It was so clear you could see the tiny white bow between her Double C cups! It was clear she had no kids… The two niggers pointed straight at the windshield! I couldn’t stop looking!

She was pretty and extremely above what she is about to do…

She took a book out her bag and flipped to the page with the book mark. She is reading Gracefully Insane by Alex Beam! An excellent book! So she is literate! She is reading quite fast considering it was already dark [unless she was just looking blankly at the pages!] She reads faster than me… And I read fast!

The traffic is tight and I am falling asleep… I am always asleep if I am not reading people’s texts!

It worries me that this post is getting long before I get into the main story! :/

I was woken up by a faint moan… I was certain it was not from my dream… It was too INSIDE THE MATATU!

I look at the woman seated next to me. She is not reading the book anymore! If anything, she has completely lost interest in it! I could tell because her book mark was on the floor and the book was placed carelessly on the dashboard! SHe had her mind completely on something else…

Her dress that’s long to the ankle is now  suspended dangerously above her knees! Its like she was scratching her thighs… Which is pretty close to what was going on!

LISTEN CLOSELY!

Her hand bag, a huge brown leather handbag, was on her lap. Her left leg was weirdly placed; it was actually on the driver’s space!

I had not noticed the driver was driving with one hand… Ok, maybe I had, but it had not hit me where his other hand was! It all made sense when a trailer swerved past us so dangerously close that the driver had to use both hands…

From under her dress… tossing the handbag leaving me with my answers…

The funny part was the moan the woman let out when the man removed his hand from under her dress… She had to let it out but didn’t want it to come out… Sounded like Donald Duck!

We got off at the same place… She walked slowly, stopping completely a few times! I was walking pretty slow myself just to make her uncomfortable…

Like the saying goes, “Ever since dying came into fashion, life hasn’t been safe.”

Note: I like that some of you are still waiting for me to say exactly what was happening 😀

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15 Comments

Posted by on May 4, 2012 in comedy, matatu tales, random, sex, women tales

 

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