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Doris wangu,

*Lets see how much Swahili I have learnt*

Naomba mi na wewe tuwe. Kutoka tulipo kutana, sija wai kufikiria tuta’achana, lakini, tulivopendana hueleweki unaniumiza sana… Upendo gani na sikuoni baby? Upendo gani hupatikani honey? Upendo gani huniamini baby? Uliemyafuta ulisha pata, anaekupenda sana kweli usiwai kata. Mimi na we, twende wote kwote unataka. Tukae, tule, tunywe ujue mi nilisha data. Wasikudanganye eti sina uwezo, ninao, na sio mchezo. Mbona kunipa mawazo. Hamua, hamua, hamua baby.

Moyo wako ufungue,upendo wa ukweli uje uingie, nacho omba kama niko na wewe, utaratibu pekee baby tuendele. Mimi na we, tuwe wote milele.

Ok you must be wondering how extremely good I am… Those two paragraphs are from my best song right now called Valu Valu by Chameleon…

On to more pressing matters…

P.S – My head is pounding as I write this…

The other day I decided to use a matatu to go to work. This was a random idea conceived from the lack  of what to write to Doris About! Be sure when I get into a matatu, THERE WILL BE A STORY! I have this mentality that all matatus driving towards the CBD go to the CBD. So when the makanga went like “Mbao mbao B… Mbao mbao B” I thought it was a really cool deal… I got in short gun and fell asleep… It was like 8am.

“MWISHO mzito!” the makanga calls out and shook me so vigorously that I felt my brain move inside my head!

I was NOT ANYWHERE near CBD! I did not know where I was and I was not going to embarrass myself by asking the makanga where I was.. So I got off and confidently walked the man like I knew where I was going… Heading straight for a butchery!

I asked the butcher where I was… Before he could answer, a kid jumped up from behind the counter and asked, “umepotea?”

Nairobi Hustle!

Nairobi Hustle!

“South B!” The butcher replies! “Matatu za kuenda tao ni mamba?” I ask him… He doesn’t answer… He points at a cluster of old vans across the road using a butcher’s knife.

“Tao ngapi!” I ask the makanga… “Salasa!” he replies! I had no idea what salasa is but he was going to town and that was the most important thing!

Let us fast forward up till home time… And Yes I got to the office safe!

So you know how shitty the Nairobi weather has been lately… It has been raining camels and hounds!

It is home time and I have to leave the office. It is raining hard… I have to leave with the rain pouring because for one, I have no clue where to get Madaraka matatus in town! And two… There is no two!

I get to town and ask around… No one like giving directions when its raining…

I ask this guy who was standing outside Sanford… “Buda, mat za Mada nachukua wapi?” The young man looks at me and very disgusted replies, “Wacha kunipima akili we fala!”

I walked away quietly extremely confused!

“Bus station” A watchman I asked replied… That was not close!

So I am walking in the rain… I am drenched and I stop caring about being rained on!

I get to Sunbeam (near Bus Station) and there is this annoying Kikuyu man walking very slowly in front of me taking on his phone… I know he was Kikuyu he was wearing a promotional TNA hat. He might have been a Luo, and if he was a Luo, then he was one Luo with major balls! Oh and he was speaking Kikuyu or Spanish, or Greek… I could not understand a thing he said!

I pray that doesn’t sound tribalistic… I hate tribalism!

Anyhu… Overtaking this guy would have meant going out of the pavement and into the rain! I liked the pavement so I trailed him and cussed at him inside my head!

Then the man stops on his tracks! I almost bump into him… I am so pissed of I decide to go around him… THEN HE STARTS SHAKING VIGOROUSLY ON THE SPOT!

In my head this man could be going through one of two things:

1. He had just discovered he was pressed and couldn’t hold it in any longer! or

2. He was going through an epilepsy attack…

My conclusion, epileptic fits make you fall so he was definitely pressed!

It was weird because I just stood there looking at him shake for a few seconds before he fell… In Nairobi you never know what to when you see someone in need of help… It might be a ploy to rob you of all your stuff… As in, in this city no one can be trusted…

Thats when I saw what he was standing on! An electric FUCKIN line…

No one stopped to help him… I was still rooted on the spot! The man’s phone was still in his grasp! His eyes were open and he was looking straight at me! There was no way I was going to touch him…  I would shake in the same way, fall to the ground and look at someone else… As in the cycle would be vicious!

A random man jumped out of god knows where with a huge broom and hit the guy on the ground with the intention of moving him to a safe place… I think! This was absolutely unnecessary!

In seconds people started helping… A crowd formed around the guy… I was still at the exact spot I stood…

The man did not die… I think!

He should have won wellingtons though! I got Madaraka matatus by the way…

International news: Kim Kardashian is pregnant!

Do you see how extremely useless that information is? Imagine reversing it… Someone telling Kim Kardashian that Mary Atieno is pregnant! Makes absolutely no sense!

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10 Comments

Posted by on April 15, 2013 in comedy, matatu tales, moving out, random

 

Day 2 Night 2


My Lovely Doris,

I miss you beyond comprehension my love. My heart is tires from the urge it has from beating when you are close… I don’t understand that last sentence!

It has been long since I last wrote, and I apologise… It has been a busy month! It is crazy at the office… It has been crazy everywhere… Elections and all… The man I voted for lost the elections… The ink on my pinky haunts me, reminding me every time that WE LOST! My president is in court though, WE REJECTED THE RESULTS!

I have so much to tell you my love… I want to tell you all of it… But I can’t! I have to work… For your food, mine and our future children…

I moved out of my mother’s house… ULULATIONS!

Now we can start making children! 🙂

I had no idea moving out was such an uphill task! That project is ELEPHANT! I knew this when I went to buy a mattress! In my head, a mattress and a bed would cost me, not a cent more than 15,000… A mattress is 23,000/- I almost shit my pants… Long story short, POOH JUST HIT THE FAN!

I managed, with some miracle, to get a bed and a mattress… Then there is duvets and sheets and pillows… SHIT! A duvet is 5,000/- THEN THERE IS SOMETHING CALLED DUVET INNER! WTF! That thing is like another 5,000/- and I don’t even have sheets yet! I will stop there because I am running short of breath just thinking about it!

I found Doris...

I found Doris…

Its Tuesday today… I have been in the new house two nights! Here is the journal:

NIGHT ONE:

My parents came over for dinner! With them, they carried my younger brother and sister and my cousin… If your math is right, those are five human beings… Not long after they walked in, 3 more relatives followed! We are now ten human beings in this house… My brother (I moved out with him) and I bought six things of shit… Six plates, six glasses, six bowls and a few spoons… Ok that’s it! It gets worse!

We did not have salt… So the food was pretty saltless! You must be asking yourself where the food came from… My mother!

As people ate, someone asked for drinking water… We had none… WE HAD NOTHING TO DRINK! We boiled water in the kettle and shoved it in the freezer, hoping it will get cold in a bit… By the time our visitors were leaving, the water was still steaming!! Our beloved guests went home choking on chapati and chicken!

I had to do the dishes after the guests left… THE AGONY! The last time I did dishes was somewhere in 2010! My brother refused to help, saying, and I quote, “I don’t do domestic chores!”

My brother and I went shopping for stuff we had just realised we did not have… Salt topping that list… We bought all sorts of beverages… sodas juice… tea… So next time we are ready for thirsty guests!

NIGHT TWO:

I got home about two hours before my brother… Those were the loneliest two hours of my life! Now I know how those wives whose husbands work late feel!!! No wonder they are always so bitter… ts fuckin’ lonely man!

I warmed some food leftover from the night before and popped a soda!

I almost took a shower because there was nothing else to do after eating!

I went to the kitchen with my laptop and watched an episode of Breaking Bad Season 4.

I live much further from my office… So I have to leave the house by 7… This is SHIT!

Best part of moving out – I WALK AROUND THE HOUSE IN MY BOXERS – LIBERATION!

I need to find out how electric bills are paid using that thing that looks like a calculator mounted at the door! I also need a house help… A French one if possible! But above all, I need Jesus!

 

 
12 Comments

Posted by on March 12, 2013 in big beautiful women, moving out, random

 

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