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HOW TO GET FREE FUEL FROM SHELL


Dear Doris,

I love big women. Big light skinned women. Big light skinned with long lustrous hair… And small feet. Not just any small feet, I love number 5 feet with short fat toes. I love big light skinned small ‘feeted’ intelligent women… Funny women. That is why I love you… And that is why I will never stop loving you! Because you are big and light skinned, and intelligent, and you have long hair and you have tiny feet with short fat toes!

The following takes place between 9am and 10am today! August 1st! Events occur in real time!

Read the paragraph above in Kiefer Sutherland’s voice! Then imagine a clock ticking…

I am not a morning person! Only millionaires and billionaires are morning people. Mornings are not for the suffering like me! If I am up early it is because I absolutely have to or I have been threatened that I will be fired if I didn’t show up at 8am… Outside of those two scenarios, I prefer to wake up at 8am and be at the office by 9:30am. That way I get to listen to Quarter After Laughter on Xfm at 9:15am (Do not look at me like that! I make up by working late… I am a night person! I get super creative and intelligent after 8pm!)

I had just driven out of the gate at about 9am and was thinking about a text the house help had just sent me reminding me to buy Harpic when a cousin, @ongalok calls!

“Where are you?” he asked with maximum urgency in his voice.

I found Doris on the Google...

I found Doris on the Google…

People who call in the morning with maximum urgency in their voices at that time of the morning are either delivering catastrophic news or extremely good news. No one ever calls at 9am just to be nice. Nothing like, “Ian go out and have fun and stay young!” or “I feel like sending you money on Mpesa today, can I?” It is always,”The cheque has bounced!” or “You are late for the meeting!” or “Tuma peas ya Harpic!” or “Come pick the cheque!”

Where was I with this?

Yes, @ongalok calls and says Shell Mbarathi is giving out free fuel!

“They Almost filled my tank!” he emphasises! (filling the tank was an exaggeration as you will later learn) This was one of the extremely good news ones!

I work in Spring Valley and my route is Uhuru Highway through Waiyaki Way to Westlands Roundabout then through Lower Kabete Road… Exactly 8.7 Kilometres! That is 250 bob worth of fuel or 300 with slight traffic! You need to be very good in math to survive in this Nairobi!

So back to the call!

I totally lose interest in getting to the office in time and join Mbagathi Way. My fuel light was bright and confident, so I fuelled at the Madaraka Shell for 500/-. A yellow Shell sticker is smacked on the ass of my car and I am told I will need it to get free fuel.

Shem Shem, calls me just before I leave Shell Madaraka and asks me to bring her a sticker. She was almost at Shell Mbagathi but she didn’t have a ‘free fuel’ sticker!

With free fuel on my mind and extra ‘free fuel’ sticker I set off.

Shem Shem is getting really worried because she is getting really close to Shell but she still doesn’t have her ‘free fuel’ sticker. There is absolutely nothing I can do about it because I think @ongalok had told everyone in Nairobi! The traffic on Mbarathi way was grim! And almost all the cars in front of me had a yellow ‘free fuel’ sticker! It was safe to say Shem Shem was screwed!

My fuel light starts blinking at Umash Funeral Home! Hehehe. Do they take dead cars? Thats not even a funny joke and I am sorry!

Just at Umash I switch to Capital FM for updates on this free fuel maneno! I learn that they ar only giving 1000 free fuel! ALL THE HUSTLE FOR 1000 FREE FUEL! And only for the first 300 cars! Motorbikes included… I could see like 5,000 cars in front of meall bearing yellow stickers!

I gave up! But I had to deliver Shem Shem’s sticker!

I find her at the Shell entrance but I can’t give it to her. I have to go Ngumo to get parking then come back on foot… This was impossible because the whole place had stopped because of the free fuel!

Shem Shem is blowing my phone!

I park at a random bus stage and run to Shem Shem holding the yellow ‘free fuel’ sticker!

I get into a bit of trouble because a security guard thought I was being cheeky trying to re-redeem my sticker. He held me by the shoulder so hard I almost shit my pants. I am so fragile and cute if you hold me hard at my shoulders I can shit my pants!

I explain myself and he lets go of my scapula! The fuel station was like blankets and wine… Soon many cars and so many familiar faces.

As Shem Shem gets her free fuel, I run back to Esmeralda and drive to the office! Esmeralda is my car! I drive up Mbagathi Way, through Woodlands Road, through Kileleshwa, through Westlands Roundabout, through Lower Kabete Road… That is 10 kilometres… 350 bob worth of fuel!

I get to the office late, tired and without free fuel with a huge hello sticker smack at the centre of Esmeralda’s ass!

 

 
8 Comments

Posted by on August 1, 2014 in big beautiful women, my car, random

 

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ALCOBLOW SUCKS…


Dear Doris,

Just shut up and listen…

It is Tuesday… The following takes place between Friday 2am and Monday 4pm…

I was driving home a tad tipsy Friday morning at about 2am following every detail I taught you on my letter, HOW TO DRIVE HOME DRUNK. I was driving in the middle of the road and all…

When I got to Madaraka roundabout, I was stopped by cops…

Now you see we had talked about this earlier in the club… If you see cops… Reverse… ESCAPE! This is a tad difficult with 10 cars or so behind you! So I stop..

“Kijana toka toka toka… Leo ni leo… Toka…” A cop sermons me out of the car… You see, I was not drunk… But I was far from sober! I am guided to the bonnet of a cop land rover where a second cop handed me something I was supposed to make sure hadn’t been tampered with… Then he asks me to unwrap it.. It was a nozzle for the alcoblow… He fixes it to the machine and asks me to blow… I hadn’t had much to drink so I was sure I was safe… So I blow…

Let me explain… A reading of 0.35 and below is the legal limit… Before I was even done blowing into the thing, mine was at 0.52… By the time I was done, it was 0.57… I was an aspiring criminal!

Now you see, these people can always be bribed… I think I had 800 bob that I was extremely willing to give these guys… Plus my house was just around the corner… I do not encourage corruption, but if the time is 2am in the morning and there is a possibility you will spend the night in a police cell, the law can be revised a little.

I was held by the back of my pants and thrown into the land rover…

“Boss…. Cheki… nina soo nane!?” I whisper just before he lets go…The man CLEARLY didn’t know the code of secrets… WHISPER!

“Hio weka uongeze 19,200 ufike bail… Unalala ndani…” He shouts back! The arrogance in his voice was above optimum average… This one couldn’t be bought… Which by the way is a good thing… If it is like daytime… IT WAS 2am…

My phone battery at the time was at 12%… That on an android OS means 7 minutes or less…

I call my brother… He doesn’t pick up….

I call a cousin… Doesn’t pick up…

“Boss, usimalize moto… Niko na plan… Pigia hii number… Ni bro wangu… Ni military police…” The guy next to me says… He was completely drunk and couldn’t shut up… He was very stubborn and kept throwing insults at the cops…

“Salary ya 15,000 ndio maana mumejam hivi. Si mungehanda wa Westgate hivi viserious pia!” He muttered!

“Kwani nilinunua pombe na pesa ya nyanyako…” He told one cop who got so pissed that he handcuffed him… TO ME! I was quite silent… Shaking my ass off from cold and extreme fear! Then by some miracle I get to my brother and cousin who both come to where I was…

After about an hour or so, the land rover was bursting with sponges.Every one of them trying to convince the police that they had not taken much! The place reeked of booze… The man next to me kept on tagging on the handcuffs that got tighter by his every stupid move… If he was any smaller, I would have strangled him with the cuffs!

“Tukikojolea hii pingu itatokana…” he suggested!

The last guy to be thrown into the land rover was apparently KDF… He had the temper of a praying mantis! He was fighting everyone… He hit the cops and hit the drunkards… Then a female cop said to him, “Tulia we mlevi…”

He punched her so hard on the face… “Ananiua… Ananiua….” The cop yelped… The KDF guy too was then handcuffed to the bars in the land rover!

I kept on calling my brother and cousin to make sure they were onto of things and I was not going to sleep in a police cell… Their tones were quite convincing so I calmed down and so did my phone… As in it died…

We were driven to Muthaiga Police Station… This fat guy kept on telling people the way his dad could fix the situation and all of us would be set free before we even got to where we were going… I think his dad played quidich!

We were matched into the police station and our names recorded!

Do you know how difficult it is to deal with drunkards??? People kept on giving wrong names… Others got violent… Others broke down!

I needed to take a piss… So I asked the nearest cop… This was not a good idea… I was handcuffed from the back and shown to the latrines…

Now let me explain… Men need both hands to undertake this natural act… If not both, then AT LEAST, one hand… Now, with both my hands cuffed at the back, I couldn’t even get my zipper… So I just stood there for a while then went back inside… My bladder was going to explode…

Everyone was then thrown in a dark room… I could feel the dumpiness of the concrete beneath my feet… Do you know how you can tell piss when you step on it? The viscosity of urine cannot be compared to any liquid… Then the smell… Unless someone poured a considerable amount of ammonia on the floor, I couldn’t be convinced otherwise!

Funny thing is, we were thrown in with all our possessions. Nothing was taken from us… You know how belts and shoe laces should always be taken away?! NOTHING! I mean, someone could have easily carried a knife or a gun… or a dildo! How can you lock 100 men in a dark room and don’t check their pockets… This fact will be useful in a bit!

I walked till the end of the room until I could feel the wall… Then I turned my back agains the wall…

Let me describe the room… The place was so dark I could barely see the human standing next to me. It wasn’t a big room… Bit it was divided into three cubicles… One had criminals… The next DUIs and the third was the shitter… It was from the third room that urine made its way neatly into the other two rooms… Mosquitoes fat with malaria buzzed all over the place… I completely ignored the possibility of bedbugs and lice!

On my way to the end of the room, I felt someone reaching into my pocket… I HOPE IT WAS FOR MY POCKET! So when I got to the wall, I took out my phone and wallet and shoved them into my boxers then crossed my legs!!! This, I now see, was not a great idea.. But it worked…

This was me on TV in court... See the fear in my face?!

This was me (guy in burgandy) on TV in court… See the fear in my face?!

Again, anyone could have carried anything… So two men lit up a blunt and smoked away… Another man lit a cigarette and in no time the whole place was a cloud of cancer! The ventilation was pathetic… Tiny openings near the roof fed the tiny cell with oxygen!

I got really tired of standing with my legs crossed so I decided to sit… This was not a good idea either… Sitting on concrete laminated in urine is not a party… But I needed to sit!

I couldn’t sleep though… The men standing next to me were talking in a language I couldn’t understand… In my head they were saying,”Let me hold him from the front as you take him from the back… The we switch!” I was WIDE AWAKE!

At about 5, four guys were taken out… Maybe for the guillotines, I do not know!

I make friends… Drunkards make cool friends…

I heard my name being called out at about 6:30am… The sun was out and men lay asleep… On fuckin piss!

I was free… With a cash bail of 20,000/- and a court date…

THE COURT: MONDAY

I was ordered to appear before the Chief Magistrate Millimani Court on Monday at 8am!

I called a c few people to check how much the fine was and the process… For everyone I called I got a different answer…

The first person I called was Alexander Muge’s cousin who is some big cop… “The fine will not be anything above 30,000/-. Make sure you go with someone who will pay it for you…”

Second person: “100,000! But I can help you… I could make your case file disappear!”

Third person: “Last week guys paid 60,000/=”

Fourth: “Your cash bail will be used… So 20,000/=”

Fifth: “6 months in prison! I heard they want to teach DUIs a lesson!”

Sixth: “It can be 500 or 100,000… I suggest you get 100,000 to be safe…”

As you can see, this was thoroughly confusing!

So I did my averages and got myself 80,000 and prayed… I was in court by 7am… Like the good citizen I am! We were not let in until 7:30am…

DUIs were to appear in courtroom 9… When I got there, we were told that we were too many and our files were not ready… The man advised us to go for breakfast and come back at 11am… I didn’t leave… I sat there and waited till 11am…

WE WERE MANY! Easily 300 people… The courtroom was full… The smell of sweat was the anthem… The media was present… Cameras flashed light every second… I felt like Lady Gaga for a while…

So because of our numbers, a register was called out… The judge called out every single one on that list… All you had to do was respond, “Present you Honour!” If the judge called out your name twice with no answer, a warranty of arrest was immediately issued…

After everyone was called, the judge asked if we were all guilty to which everyone shouted, “YESSSS YOUR HONOUR!”

Then everyone was given a chance for mitigation… The stories were hilarious…

Story one: “Afande mimi sikukunywa hata mingi… Lakini nakubali mashtaka…Niko na mtoto… Tafadhali nionee huruma!”

Story two: ” I only took two WHite Caps… I have since switched to juice. Si hats lie ya delmonte in aka bombe bombe!!”

Story three: “Your honour, me just tell me today how many bottles of beer I should drink so that next time I am here, I say you gave me permission!”

And many more….

The judge was so amused and decided to fine most of us 20,000/= So our cash bail money was used as fine money… This was a long process…

I left the court of law at 4pm a free man! I went home and bought myself nice things… Like chips and sausages…

Now that I have been in JAIL; I am working on my first rap album!

 
267 Comments

Posted by on February 4, 2014 in comedy, my car, near death

 

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HOW TO ABDUCT A PROSTITUTE


My Lovely Doris,

Happy new year my love. I had planned to write to you yesterday night but I almost lost a finger when I slammed the door on it, a fact you have to keep in mind for I will bring it up later on… I am finding it extremely hard to type this because of this. But My Doris, what pain can’t I go through to talk to you… What mountain cant I climb to be with you…. What river cant I swim Doris… What keyboard cant I type on with a busted finger???

Nothing can keep me away from you…

20140101_001527

The pants I ripped at the dancing competition!

Oh, and I won a fridge at a dancing competition at a New Years Party 🙂 I tore my pants during the process…

Because it is really hard for me to type, I beg you to please forgive me, for this will be a short letter…

I was at my parents house in Kileleshwa yesterday for dinner at about 4pm… That is where I slammed the door on my finger. This was so painful that I went straight to sleep. I got up at about 7pm to eat. But this is not the story!

I couldn’t open my car door now that it does not have those fancy things on the key holder people press on to give a funny whistle and open doors… My door is old school… You have to not only twist the keys but TWIST  REALLY HARD! With my woiye finger, this was impossible, so he watchman helped open the door… Valet nini nini!

Driving home, my brother calls and asks me to get him cigarettes on my way home… So I stop at Amazon to buy a pack.

Now listen very carefully…

When coming out of the car I locked the door from inside forgetting I could not unlock it by myself… So after getting the cigarettes, I stood next to my car feeling a bit stupid…. I had to ask for help… The only people in sight at the time were: The guard at the ATM machines, The Kula Korna attendant (who was inside the store) and a random prostitute… The prostitute was closest to me and in very many ways, the most appropriate candidate. So…

“Excuse me… Please come help me open my door… I hurt my hand…” Like I was raised…. I ASKED POLITELY…

The guard at the ATM machines heard what I said and started walking towards us…

Now before I explain to you all the drama that ensued, I need you to know something… What I just did was the perfect way to abduct a prostitute… You ask her to open the door for you and once they do, you push them inside and drive off… Apparently, I am the only person in that area at that particular time that did not know this fact… The guard explained in a raised voice.

“Huyu fala anataka kunibaka nini, wadhani mi dush nini?” The prostitute shouts…

She was very light-skinned… The prostitute that is… Her hair was nothing beyond an inch and was greasy and curly! She had on a white vest and a terrible jean skirt that only covered her pelvis area… The skirt was so short it could pass for a belt! Her thighs were not as light as her face… And her face was lighter than her hands… She looked like a collage! A human made from different human beings…. SHe had green heels that had shinny studs on them… You know the new design with spikes? She had a red shiny clutch purse that was held tightly under her arm-pit! Coming to think of it, she was dressed in the Kenyan flag colours…

Be advised that prostitutes really know how to start drama… The watchman was right next to her saying… “Tumewaona wengi boss…. Tumewaona wengi! Tunawajua nyinyi!”

NOTE: My Swahili is terrible and everything I write in the same  is not too accurate.

This is today in a bus to work... The struggle is real!

This is today in a bus to work… The struggle is real!

These two human beings had made the whole fuel station come to a stand still… And do you know the painful thing, I COULD NOT GET INTO MY FUCKIN CAR!!!!  I dropped my keys twice fumbling with the lock…. I gave up and just stood there…

The prostitute was now hitting my car calling me ‘rapist’… “You rapist… You rapist!” she went on and on… I could tell she was Kikuyu because the more she said ‘rapist’ the more the ‘R’ got lost… No offence… I am already a rapist, I do not want to be a tribalist as ell….

There was a small crowd that had surrounded me at this point… But no one was willing to listen to what I had to say…

A relatively smartly dressed man got to where we were and asked to see this finger I was talking about. He was a short man so he was not very intimidating as he thought he was. He had black pants, a white shirt and a red tie. His stomach had exceeded his shirt… Diamond shaped spaces formed in between his shirt buttons… One of his legs was shorter than the other one, this was evident from his limp. His glasses sat on his nose with no symmetry whatsoever. He was definitely in charge. He took me inside the wine store where there was a bit of light. Luckily, my finger was a bit black and it was a bit clear that I was not well.

So because of all the drama I caused, I was told never to go back there. The strange man walked me to my car, opened my door and said, “Please never come back here again…

___

I have just heard someone say a woman should MATTER… That is, Have weight and occupy space 😀 I have died many small deaths!

____

My next post will be ‘What To Wear On Your First Date: A Manual For Women

 

 
12 Comments

Posted by on January 7, 2014 in matatu tales, my car

 

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LABDA KESHO


My One and Only Doris,

As I write this I have so much going on in my mind… I am torn clean apart. My love for you diminishes slowly though I do not want it to! I am holding on to wind… It slowly escapes through my fingers… It breaks me that there is nothing I can do about… If there was ever… EVER… anything I could have possibly done about it my love… I already have…

I have sat here and watched you disrespect me… I have watched you lie to me… I have watched you turn to another man… I have written numerous letters and watch them go unanswered… I have loved you… Doris… If there’s anything I have not done for us… It has to be letting go… And I am being swept down that river… And Fast!

So much has happened since the last time I wrote… My birthday unplanned party being one of them… Nothing out of the ordinary went down… Drinking and starting fights and eating lactose ridden cakes that I should not have been eating!! The coolest thing that happened though is my dad calling me in the dead of the night ( I was in the club) and singing all four verses of “Happy Birthday…” That was cool… So I was there like:

“Whaaaat?…. Yeahhhhh….”

I do not have my glasses on so I can barely see anything I am writing… So this time the spelling mistakes might be more… Ok… WILL be more than usual!

I am a kind man… You all know this from my matatu days when I used to dish all my money to the street humans… Do you remember? I am a generous man… I am willing to share anything… ANYTHING… Except chapati… I believe that is fair… Chapati and my signed copy of THE CURIOUS INCIDENT OF THE DOG IN THE NIGHT!

I try to give a little money to the people who beg on Uhuru Highway when traffic constipates! I collect coins in my centre console during the day and dish the out on my way home from the office… Which is always like 11pm

I always have like an average 70 bob saved up for my niggas on the streets every night… What they use this money for… I do not know… And do not care really… I just know whatever it is, it is serious enough to have them put up  a woiye face every day and night out in the cold… It must be something important to them.. Something they can’t live without… Like food… or water… or drugs… or underwear… It really does not matter… I just want to help…

This has gotten me a few friends on these streets… More like highways!

This was funny...

This was funny…

Sometimes I have nothing to give these people… As in I am not Pablo Escobar… These street humans never understand this bit… They assume that so long as you are driving, you have money… THIS IS NEVER THE CASE!!!! NEVER!

They get so upset when you tell them, “Boss hakuna leo… Labda kesho!” WHICH IS THE FUCKING TRUTH!!! I know some people do not mean it when they say, …”Labda kesho…” BUT I DO… I mean I give you money everyday!!! And today I used the last coins I had to buy a mandazi at the office… WHY THE SEX WOULDNT YOU BELIEVE THAT!? They would normally walk away so pissed… They have easily forgotten that the previous night I gave you 42 bob… I know that cannot buy milk or bread with this new VAT thing… BUT YOU HAVE PROBABLY COLLECTED A GOOD SUM OF COINS SINCE MORNING…. SO DO NOT STRESS ME MAN!!!

Wah… WHere has this rage comes from… Is this kindness fake…

BUT

SO the other night I am driving home at about midnight. I have this friend on Uhuru highway… He is always set near the Barclay Plaza junction… If you use Uhuru Highway often you probably know him… He has prosthetic feet… You know him… He is my best street friend… He is cool… He has amazing short stories. Sometimes when there is traffic, he would go like… “Manze kuna hii day…”

I am losing plot….

So I am driving home and there he was.. He was very happy to see me… This VAT business had strengthened our relationship!! He comes to my window and I am way too familiar with the drill… The traffic is moving so no stories today… I reach to the centre console and there is nothing there…. A few CDs and a screw driver but no coin whatsoever!

So I go like…. “Pole labda kesho…” and at that moment I planned to get some coins for the guy…

The guy didn’t believe me… I hate it when I am telling the truth and no one believes me…. I get pissed… Feels like Carrey from Homeland… I go mad! Everyone does, yes?

“Sasa unaninyima chakula…” He says… Now following the car…. His statement struck a chord… I almost stopped the car to KIDERO him… Hahahaha! Get it? To KIDERO him… HAHAHAHA! I excite myself!

So to make him believe, I yank out my wallet and show it to him… It had nothing… Be warned that traffic is moving and everything thats going on IS ON THE MOVE!

With the speed of the devil this guy puts his hand in the car and snatches my wallet and turns back… He is making a run for it… Or trying to…. There are a few things you cannot do without legs… I think… one of them is what this guy was trying…

I get out of my car and walk after him! He does not stop for a short while until it hits him that he is fighting a losing battle…

He turns towards me and says…. “Ndio hii walenje… Turudi kwa gari…” (Here is your wallet, lets go back to the car!) I take back my wallet and we walk to the car!

“Ebu angalia tena… Hakuna kabisa?” He asks…. (Check again… Sure theres absolutely nothing!?)

I get into my car and drive off…

“Kesho bas…” He says (Tomorrow then)

 

This might be the last letter I write up until after the Storymoja Hay Festival… It is busy at the office trying to bring it together… I hope you all can make it. It is going to be amazing… Teju Cole will be there… Warsan Shire…. And like 20 other great people…

This is for the woman sitting next to me…

Facebook cover photo

 
1 Comment

Posted by on September 14, 2013 in comedy, my car

 

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LOCK JAW SYNDROME AND HANDCUFFS


Dear Doris,

It worries me that I go silent for like a month and you are not phased at all by it… But you know what Doris, I don’t care anymore. If love conquers all, then it shall conquer this. I believe the love you had for me the second we met still lingers in some deep, really deep abyss in your heart… And one day, you will be overcome by it… And you will find your way back in my embrace… Love conquers all Doris…

My jaw hurts like hell! So I googled what might be causing this pain… After extensive research I decided I was coming down with TMD which is just temporomandibular joint disorder. The causes of this disorder are extensive opening of the mouth and vigorous mastication among other manenos… I almost pissed my pants when I saw vigorous mastication… It does not look or sound right! What would I be doing vigorously masticating! Mastication… Apparently its chewing of food and has nothing to do with masturbation! Then right at the bottom of the page was *Might be a sign of heart disease* WHAT THE HELL!! What does your heart have to do with your jaw??! Under the treatment section was *surgery* SURGERY WHERE??? My heart, my jaw? My toe? They don’t tell you. Way to break news to someone who might be having heart problems…

Moving on!

We have new traffic rules in Kenya… I will not tackle all of them… But the most interesting one is the Traffic Department has been abolished… This simply means that any cop Tom, Dick and Kamau can pull you over! As in you might be driving, minding your own business… THEN… A Navy Seal stops you to ask if you have a First Aid  box! Do we have Navy Seals in Kenya? Thats not the point… But I hope you can see where I am going with this…

I knew my day was going to be dung immediately I realised I had forgotten my wallet at home! This was yesterday! A bus almost rammed into me at the Chiromo Junction and I had temporomandibular joint disorder… As in all my cards were bad! This was yesterday morning… On my way home at about 8pm, I was stopped by a random cop. He could have been from the National Youth Srvice for all I cared! Before I go on, let me list what I could have been arrested/charged for:

1. I did not have my driving license

That’s it…

The first thing he asks… “Kijana nionyeshe fire extinguisher!”

As in????!!! This man’s priorities were skewed… shouldn’t you be checking if I am licensed to operate a motor vehicle first?! Or maybe just name your price!

I don’t have a fire extinguisher…

“Sina hiyo. Sijanunua!” I answer.

“Hehe! Kijana haujasoma sheria mpya!?” He asks…

Please be advised that in the new laws HAVING A FIRE EXTINGUISHER does not exist!

“Ebu leta liscense” He adds…

I don’t have that either!

“Sikubeba afande…” I answer knowing very well I have 24 hours to present it at my nearest police station.

Did you catch me on the papers? Yes.... I shall milk IT!

Did you catch me on the Saturday Nation?
Yes…. I shall milk IT!

 

At this point, I can see another cop walking towards my car from behind. In my head all I can think about is THE BRIBE IS ABOUT TO SHOOT UP!

I hope you can remember I did not carry my wallet and The only money I have is the 10 bob that’s normally under the radio that I use to scratch airtime cards! This law enforcer was not going to get anything more than that coin…

“Nanusa pombe… Kijana ebu toka kwa gari!” He says and yanks out a pair of handcuffs from the back of his pants! Be advised that the fine for DUI is up to 500,000/- Thats my salary like 500,000 times!

I was not drunk… In fact, the last time I took anything with alcohol in it was two weeks before that moment!

This man was out to get me… My heart was somewhere in my shoe… Clearly this man could not see that I was suffering from temporomandibular joint disorder and I needed to get home and rest…

I step out of the car and I am hand cuffed! I had no idea why I was being handcuffed… I really wanted to start a fight but I did not have the strength… Plus I needed a story, so I wanted to see how it would play out!

“Tumekamata mwingine” The cop shouts at the other cop who had stopped to pick up a phone call!

“Andikisha!” The other cop shouts back. His voice was hoarse. Deep and threatening. His voice alone sent shivers down the back of my legs… The movie Nairobi Half Life was in my head… I was going to be shot and a plastic gun put in my car…

This was not the way I had planned to die… Crushing in my private jet on my way back from Venezuela maybe… But NOT NAIROBI HALF LIFE STYLE!

“Sasa tutafanyaje?” The cop asks me… I MEAN YOU HAVE MY HANDS CUFFED>>> WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN TUTAFANYAJE!

But I was humble and powerless… I just looked at him blankly…

“Jina yako nani?” He asks as he signals his friend on the phone to hurry up!

“Ian” I answer…

“Mama yako alikupea jina moja?” He arrogantly asks… A voice told me to bite off his ear and spit it out on the cold tarmac…

“Ian Arunga!” I correct myself!

“Omera Ijaluo (You are a Luo?)??” He asks with a stupid grin across his face…

“Ee…” I answer… This was my way out of this mess…

“Ijaluo makanye? (You are a Luo from where?)” At this point, he is so excited he can’t stand still!

“Alego!” I lie!!! Thats where I went to school…. In Alego!

“Anbe Bwana! Dak niwacho (Me too Man! Why didnt you say so?)?” He continues… “Dewasetiko chooooooon! (We would have finished a long time ago)” He is spitting on my face with every syllable!

“Kare gol gini wa! (Then get this thing off)” I say with a fake smile!

“Rit matin jal cha ema ni gi ofungu! (Chill, that’s the guy with the keys!)”

He says and points at the other cop who is still on the phone!

We talk for a while. Guys driving by looking at us funny. A cop and a hand cuffed man chatting up laughing loudly. The scene was just wrong!

The other cop finally finishes. He gives me a cold look and un-cuffs me…

“Jadha kare gol ane chai wa!” He asks for money for tea without a shame in the world!

“Sani an marach bwana! (I am broke)” I say and get into the car…

“Haya, onge rach! (Ok. No worries!)” He says as I drive off…

I get home and we are having prayers on thanks giving.

 

 

 
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Posted by on December 6, 2012 in my car, near death

 

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