Category Archives: my quotes

How to piss in the dark for dummies

My lovely,
How was your weekend my sweet? I already know it was better than mine. I spent my weekend deep in thought. Thoughts about you and I. That and a flu from lucifer… and a cough not so far from the same place.

It is just about midnight and I am just from the bathroom… it is necessary for me to go into details just this once… I went to piss.
Like I said, I have a cough, so I have been taking benylyn. Thing is, I was not concentrating on the measurements on the lid that’s supposed to be guiding you on how much to take. I just filled up the whole thing twice and took em… needless to say I am extremely wasted as I type this.
On to my lesson:
This is for men. I do not know how women Do wee wee so I will not get into it.
Men: you know when you are so sleepy but you just need to take a leak? You drag your feet, eyes closed… you get to the bathroom but you don’t switch on the lights for fear of losing that sweet, oh so sweet sleep? You check if the lid isn’t up…you direct the relevant projectiles… and let it go. Maybe it is just me…maybe!
No man is perfect… so sometimes you will get it right… and sometimes… well… you end up weeing all over the place. Leaving the place nothing less than a crime scene…
Here is how to get it right.

Step one: patience
Most of the mistakes a man makes is always because of not being patient… i do not have an example to qualify that but it is true. Wait… look at all the children born out of wedlock… why not just be patient until you get married to have sex… ok ok… do not kill me… ok!
but being patient in this assignment is quite key. Do not rush. Get to the toilet… lift the lead… and the seat…

Step two: positioning
For you to piss right in the dark, very many things need to be in the right place. One being your mind-set – you have to believe you can do it.
Two being where you stand  – you have to  look your enemy (toilet) in.the face. This just means you have to stand right in front of the thing.
Three, unlike the stereotypical thoughts that you have to aim directly into the toilet… aim on the side… this being the inner walls… and aim on your perfect side… if you are left-handed, aim right… the inverse applies.

Step three: the release
Now that you have the bull by the horn, I advise you not to lose vision(i know its dark and there was no vision in the first place) slow but sure works miracles. I advise you to do a short sample run first… you know what I am talking about… start…. the hold… if you got it right… proceed… if not… re position.

Step four: listen
Do not forget you are in the dark and the only senses you can use are touch and hearing… the others are null.
There are 3 or 4 sounds you should be extremely familiar with.
One:the sound of piss hitting the floor. It’s a flat noise. Like water hitting the floor. Cut the flow and re position.
Two: the sound of piss hitting the lid. Its like pissing on a drum. You will know. Cut the flow, open lid and try again.
Three: the sound of piss hitting the centre console. This is liquid on liquid. It’s the right place but extremely loud. If you live alone, go right ahead… or else you will wake everyone up.
Four: the sound of piss hitting the inner walls… this is what you should be hearing. It is the sound of victory. Its stealth. Its lie a secret affair… no one should know…

Step five: re positioning with dying force.
You know that science experiment in primary school with a bottle with holes in a line the water is filled and you can see the difference in pressure? Pissing works with the same principles… you know what i mean…

Step six: The shake. Do not go violent. Like a gentleman, treat your client like a queen. You have probably heard the saying that goes ‘shaking more than five times can and will be considered playing with oneself’ p.s there is no saying that goes like that… I just made that up.


If you were sleepy and you intend on continuing your dream from where you left off, do not was your hands or look into the mirror. The cold water will erase all the temporary data files in your brain. I promise you. And looking in the mirror in the dark is a taboo… what if you see yourself… the you shit your pants… all your hard work will mean have meant nothing!
I am a strong believer in hygiene… so if you did not wash your hands please place them under your pillow… do not bring them close to your face no matter what… any dream where you are eating good food and licking your fingers should be considered nightmares….
If you suck at aiming… well, clean up behind you… or just switch on the lights (this might not help extreme cases of terrible aim)

I wrote this post on a Huawei tab… this bloody gadget has no auto correct or spell check… it underlines even the correct spellings. You will find terrible spelling mistakes because I am dizzy from cough medicine and no spell check in this gadget.
I am sorry for my terrible spelling and grammar…  I aced all my English exams… so you really can’t tell me nothing B-)


Posted by on October 8, 2012 in my quotes, self help


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How To Cheat

(In case you missed this on

My Lovely Doris,

I mean what I am about to say. I know distance weakens faith and trust… And love… Distance makes you do things… Lie, cheat, and lie some more… That, might have been how man was built! The moment we lose something, we quickly find a way of replacing it with something else – all because of the fear of emptiness loss comes with… Distance! I have not seen your beautiful face for almost 8 years now. Vast waters separate us… It kills me… The thought that you might be enjoying the distance crushes me… I forgive you for what you have done and are yet to do… Distance! A man resides in your house… Your neighbor updates me. I am not afraid. The thought of seeing you again sometime strengthens my faithfulness to you. There will be no other. No woman comes close to you in my heart.

What I am about to tell you is extremely important… Man lies! There are careers even fueled by how well one can lie… Look at lawyers, politicians, cobblers!

Don’t try making sense out of cobblers, I couldn’t come up with a third one so I wrote the first thing that came to my mind!

I lie a lot… and I suck at it… I am always busted.

To cheat, you need to be excellent at lying… I am going to teach you how to cheat… Exciting huh?? I love it!

Please be advised that I can’t stand this behavior and anyone caught doing it should be… well… Yeah!

I am going to teach you from true stories of my life… (I can hear teeth chatter)

I was no more than 10 years old! And I was going out with 3 of the sexiest women in my class. This is how to do it…

Let me create a scene…

I sat right at the front of my class… So close to my teacher I could smell the insides of her hand bag every time she unzipped it… It smelt like IT! You all remember IT??? This is not a joke… There was an insecticide called IT! But this story is not about my teachers hand bag… She once called my mother and told her I have refused to learn how to spell because she couldn’t convince me sugar was spelt as is and not SHUGA!!! I still strongly feel that it should be spelt my way… No man can convince me otherwise… But I am an educated man… Education is doing shit in a way someone else thinks it should be done! I gave up in trying to figure out silent letters and how lasanya becomes lasagne! I am losing plot!!! Back to cheating!

One of the women I was dating, Loise*, (not her real name, she might have grown up and become a lawyer!) sat right at the back right corner. She was not attractive… In fact, I didn’t find her beautiful at all. But she was brainy! I love intelligent women! Intelligence is like ‘no underwear’, its like half way there! She taught me how to divide numbers. You need women like that in your life… its not like homework will do itself… That was her duty… Homework. She finished hers and did mine in a different handwriting. I am not a bad person… So in return, I held her hand everyday as we walked home… This, ladies and gentlemen, is the hardest shit to do at the age of 9! But I was willing to do anything to clear school… I held her hand with pride! I finished school by the way!

Victoria* was pretty! As in extremely pretty! But no whiff of wit whatsoever! In fact, Victoria was her real name! Her job was PR. To make me look good. In class 3 looks get you further than grades…. Trust me, IT WILL NOT MATTER IF YOUR GIRLS CAN RECITE THE MULTIPLICATION TABLE BACKWARDS!!! If she is not fly…. It doesn’t fly! This pretty girl coming from a rich family would be a plus… I like rich beautiful girls… Keeping Victoria was a task though. Every Tom, Dick and Harry bought her stuff at break time. My income was limited. I had two companies that did not bring in enough money! MAMA LTD and BABA INC. I had to do better than Tom, Dick and the other one. This called for more money than I had. So I got a stupid friend. A boy I would lie to to give me all his break money! It is not easy tolerating a fool, but my Victoria had to be pampered!

Last but not least, Shyrose Shah. That is her real name. I dont give two squirts of piss using her real name on here! Her family hates black people anyways… AND SHE EATS MEAT!!! Yes Shyrose… I said it! You already know how hard it was for me to put up with this one! Her name went against my Luo normal ways of pronunciation! Sairose Sa! Thats how it would sometimes come out! Her duty was very important… She supplied humongous bags of flavored crisps and chevda! I sometimes used her to supply Victoria’s needs. And just to prove that ‘the way to a man’s heart is through his tummy’ I ended up with this one! Victoria repeated class 3 (was not good for PR) and Loise* wanted more than holding hands… By more I mean doing my own homework… I wasn’t taking that crap!

You must be asking yourself how I kept them from knowing about each other… Simple… Being caught never crossed my mind… My brain was too small to satisfy three women at the same time, figure out how to spell and multiply shit AND START GETTING WORRIED ABOUT GETTING CAUGHT!

So if you are cheating, and you are there thinking about getting caught… You will be caught! Oh yes you will!

That right there reminds me about a story, ‘The Secret Lives of Baba Segi’s Wives’ by Lola Shoneyin. Baba Segi has 4 wives! Iya Segi is his first wife who is loud and huge… She is the boss lady and runs Baba Segi’s house. You already know a fat loud woman as a first wife cannot be told! Iya Tope is the second wife. She was forced into the marriage by Baba Segi. She she has nothing much to say! Iya femis is the third wife. This ones heart burns with vengence… That statement will be clear in my next sentence! Bolanle is Baba Segis fourth and final wife. Iya Femi does not appreciate this and works her ass off to see it that Bolanle is out! She works hand in hand with Iya Segi to see this plot through! Bolanle is a threat because she is young and educated thus posing as a great threat to the other wives! Like I said, an educated woman HAS POWER!

Funniest bit of the story is all the wives have multiple kids except Bolanle, who has non at all… EVen funnier, Baba Segi is sterile… Very cool book… was nominated for the 2011 Orange Prize for Fiction and will appeal to readers who enjoy African literature.

You can come meet the author of ‘The Secret Lives of Baba Segi’s Wives’ Lola Shoneyin, MYSELF and other amazing local and international authors at The Storymoja Hay Festival which will be going down from 13th to 16th September 2012 at The Nairobi National Museum.

By now you already know how terrible my spelling and grammar is… I like doing things my way…


Posted by on September 3, 2012 in comedy, love, my quotes, sex, women tales


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My Love,

There is no greater moment of victory than slapping randomly into the air in the dark and killing a mosquito you did not expect to kill!

~Ian Arunga


Posted by on March 22, 2012 in my quotes, random


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