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Category Archives: self help

WHAT BIG YELLOW WOMEN SHOULD WEAR ON A FIRST DATE


Dear Doris,

I am seated in front of this computer thinking about how to start this letter… I am completely blank… I will be ok from the second paragraph onwards… Normally on this paragraph, the first, I confess my love for you… And explain in what quantities I have missed you, which, since I started writing to you, have always been immense… I cannot recall when I was not missing you… Or thinking about you… I can not remember not ever-loving you… I am sitting here torturing my insides, holding on to us… Is there even an us anymore? All I am holding on to, I guess, is what I have for you… The love… The memories… A thin strand of string… But it will have to do…

A while back someone reminded me that I had promised to write about how women should dress on a first date… Well here goes nothing! This manual is for yelo yelo plus sized women! *dinner edition*

A study by Ian Arunga

NOTE: If you show up yelo, pretty, intelligent and ‘big’ donning tiny feet, you, my dear, are dressed to kill… But there are some details we have to go through… Let us talk about how that beauty should be wrapped… Best gifts are always wrapped, yes?And isn’t it just wayyyyy better to unwrap a well wrapped gift than otherwise? Ok I am losing focus!

This letter will revolve around this one sentence – Wear a black dress with contrasting shoes!

Need I say anything really?!

Need I say anything really?! Look how attractive her knees are! #fatknees

The Black Dress – (or any dark colour. Not red)  I think all women should have a black dress! (my yelo yelo women) You know that black dress that ends right above your knee? By right above the knee I mean nothing more that a 5 bob coin above the knee… The knee is very important… I like a fat yelo knee… 🙂 There is some sexiness in knees… Let this black dress fit well… Just enough to whisper to the world, “Yes… Those are my FUNDAMENTOZ!” Not loose and not TOO tight…

I feel black is the best colour for a dress because it does not threaten eye contact during a conversation. Eye contact is very important. You want to keep this man’s eyes on yours. Nothing busy. Nothing that will get his eyes off your lips moving… Your jet black hair swaying left and right with every slight swing of the head. Your teeth (I like teeth). Your smile… Give the man a chance to notice every single detail your head holds… NOW YOU IF YOU GO ON WEARING AN ODM ORANGE DRESS WITH BEES ON IT HOW DO YOU WANT THE MAN TO NOTICE YOUR SMILE?!

Cover enough to let lust fight for its rights! Cleavage is good… Not CLEAVAGE! Show off the tip of the parting of your breasts… Anything more would be suggesting things even you did not know were suggesting! When the man loses eye contact to look at your dress, let it be because he really likes it and not want to tear it off just yet… (wear red for that… or white)!

Do not try out a new dress on a first date… unless you are a stunt man…

I really like these shoes... Exactly what you should wear with that black dress.... Then are you seeing the way it goes with the yelo yelo skin?? Yes!

I really like these shoes… Exactly what you should wear with that black dress…. Then are you seeing the way it goes with the yelo yelo skin?? Yes!

The shoes – Men lie to themselves that they can tell how good a woman is by their shoes…. use this utter stupidity against them. Wear shoes that are easy to spot… By easy to spot I do not mean the Gaga ones without heels and multiple spikes… We want to impress the guy… Not kill him and use his flesh to make a dress!

I suggest something bright coloured… Let them be elegant… Them being bright gets the man’s attention. Them being classy elegant totally uses them judging you by your shoes against them! Avoid black shoes…. Black, like I said, is very easily ignored. Confuse the man a bit.Stay away from white shoes… and thigh high boots… Or anything with fur!

The shoes should be comfortable… You look terrible trying to balance on 6 inch stilts that you are not used to… In fact, wear flats if you have to… Do a test before your date — if you can’t walk normally in them, leave them at home.

The jewellery – Nothing that jingles loud enough to the human hearing level. Leave that to inmates donning handcuffs! And Pharaoh. Choose a metal or stone ad stick to it… If you are a gold person… Do gold all through… If you are going to do pearls… STICK TO PEARLS… Do not go out looking like something that was dug from the earth’s very core!

Avoid earrings that tag on your ears… Elongated ears are not the prettiest of sights!

The handbag – No back packs! Then those handbags the size of body bags – Yu are not going to spend the rest of you life at his house starting ‘tonight’ you realise! I thoroughly advise a clutch purse that matches your shoes… There are shops in England that sell the two together 😀 And a purse is mandatory… At least look like you can pay for something…

The Lipstick – ok… If you know how to put it on… Do it! Avoid the ones with adjectives such as hot, wet, sexy, lusty… The bright colours that is… And if you look in the mirror and all you see is, “WHY SO SERIOUS!” then take it off…

Men hate make up… Yes? Ok I hate make-up! Let me reprise that… I hate overdone make-up… Leave that to Kiini Macho! Put just enough… I do not want your face print on my shirt when I hug you… My shirts are quite costly…

The Phone – This, believe it or not, is part of your outfit and how you behave with it is extremely important! Listen, men are the most jealous animals on earth after parrots and the second you text or answer a call… their turf is immediately threatened. Put the thing on aeroplane mode. Let it be on and thats it! Then put it back online after the date, most advisable when he is dropping you home… Then pray a text comes in… Do not read it… THIS WILL F*CK HIM UP A GOOD ONE!

And lastly…

Honesty – This is the the bow on the wrap…

 

 

 
6 Comments

Posted by on January 4, 2014 in comedy, self help

 

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HOW TO BATHE WITH 3 LITRES OF WATER


Dear Doris,

I wish I had the time to tell you how much I love you… Doris, I am sure you already know this… I am trying to make this as short as possible because I do not have much time to do it!

I love you Doris… Please believe it… and if ever in any doubt… Ask me… I will say it again! This one will always stay ablaze in my heart… The love I have for you!

I will get to the point immediately.

We didn’t have water in my high school, Barding. We had to RUN for miles to go wash our bodies at some abandoned gold mine. This run could often get tiring and one would decide to SKIP! Sometimes you would get a little water from the borehole in school… This added up to about 3 litres or 5 if you are lucky!

This is how to do it…

1. The 2 U’s

If you have 3 litres of water to wash your body, then you have a problem. Here is where you look at yourself and ask the most important question… What part of my body is the dirtiest! Please do not lie to yourself that you are going to soap your whole body and rinse it with 3 litres of water… The sooner you accept this fact the better! Forget that nonsense for behind the ears and your back… It doesn’t work! Below is a diagram of the spot I advise you to concentrate on!

The two important U's. Under Arm and Under the Belly Button!

The two important U’s. Under Arm and Under the Belly Button!

2. The Initial Scoop

This is another important one! This will determine if you will have water all over your body to help with the soaping… This is done once and there is no room for messing up! This is how you do it. Scoop water with the palms of your hands together… Have this scoop full to the brim of your palms… Do not let even a drop spill out! The with pure calmness and respect let it fall at the top of your head… At this point, you should be standing up REALLY STRAIGHT so that the water can flow easily to your toes…

PLEASE NOTE – Please keep your hair really short… Long hair tend to mess this stage up!

3. The Soap

Only soap the marked areas on the diagram… Step 2 has most parts of your body wet if you did it right! You have to do this really fast so that you do not dry up! Leave a little hint of soap on the palm of your hands that you will run all over your body… This is just to hint on the idea of soaping your body… JUST TO HINT!

4. The Rinse

Please be advised that you will not need more than two scoops for this! 3 litres is about 6 substantial scoops! If your math is of any worth, we are up to 3 scoops!

The second scoop will have to clear all the soap at the two smaller spots on my diagram! This I call the DRAGON SCOOP! The scoop has to be done in two… Each hand scooping separately! Then with each hand slap the scooped water on the spots! The right hand on the left spot and vise versa ceteris paribus.

You will realise that the soap makes its way down the side of your body… Let it! We will address this later!

The third scoop done as the first all goes to the big red spot…  The note on step 2 applies here: Keep it short!

5. The Chest Splash

With a full scoop as the first, splash water on your chest and let it flow down your body… I HOPE YOU ARE STANDING UP STRAIGHT!!! YOU SHOULD BE IN THIS POSITION ALL THROUGH!

6. The Back Splash

Same as stage 5 but now this goes on your back!

7. THE FACE PALM

I hope you have notice that your face is the only part we have not touched… Use the last scoop for this purpose… I really do not care how you do it…

You will realise that some parts of your body are still dry, dusty, sweaty etc But you are fresh enough to get them the next day! Remember that this method is rotational… Whatever parts you concentrate on today will have to be ignored tomorrow! The three points are to get you started… How you go on from this point is all on you!

The famous abandoned gold mine! 'Ongoro' - My friends and I

The famous abandoned gold mine! ‘Ongoro’ – My friends and I

 
10 Comments

Posted by on May 30, 2013 in barding tales, self help

 

How to piss in the dark for dummies


My lovely,
How was your weekend my sweet? I already know it was better than mine. I spent my weekend deep in thought. Thoughts about you and I. That and a flu from lucifer… and a cough not so far from the same place.

It is just about midnight and I am just from the bathroom… it is necessary for me to go into details just this once… I went to piss.
Like I said, I have a cough, so I have been taking benylyn. Thing is, I was not concentrating on the measurements on the lid that’s supposed to be guiding you on how much to take. I just filled up the whole thing twice and took em… needless to say I am extremely wasted as I type this.
On to my lesson:
This is for men. I do not know how women Do wee wee so I will not get into it.
Men: you know when you are so sleepy but you just need to take a leak? You drag your feet, eyes closed… you get to the bathroom but you don’t switch on the lights for fear of losing that sweet, oh so sweet sleep? You check if the lid isn’t up…you direct the relevant projectiles… and let it go. Maybe it is just me…maybe!
No man is perfect… so sometimes you will get it right… and sometimes… well… you end up weeing all over the place. Leaving the place nothing less than a crime scene…
Here is how to get it right.

Step one: patience
Most of the mistakes a man makes is always because of not being patient… i do not have an example to qualify that but it is true. Wait… look at all the children born out of wedlock… why not just be patient until you get married to have sex… ok ok… do not kill me… ok!
but being patient in this assignment is quite key. Do not rush. Get to the toilet… lift the lead… and the seat…

Step two: positioning
For you to piss right in the dark, very many things need to be in the right place. One being your mind-set – you have to believe you can do it.
Two being where you stand  – you have to  look your enemy (toilet) in.the face. This just means you have to stand right in front of the thing.
Three, unlike the stereotypical thoughts that you have to aim directly into the toilet… aim on the side… this being the inner walls… and aim on your perfect side… if you are left-handed, aim right… the inverse applies.

Step three: the release
Now that you have the bull by the horn, I advise you not to lose vision(i know its dark and there was no vision in the first place) slow but sure works miracles. I advise you to do a short sample run first… you know what I am talking about… start…. the hold… if you got it right… proceed… if not… re position.

Step four: listen
Do not forget you are in the dark and the only senses you can use are touch and hearing… the others are null.
There are 3 or 4 sounds you should be extremely familiar with.
One:the sound of piss hitting the floor. It’s a flat noise. Like water hitting the floor. Cut the flow and re position.
Two: the sound of piss hitting the lid. Its like pissing on a drum. You will know. Cut the flow, open lid and try again.
Three: the sound of piss hitting the centre console. This is liquid on liquid. It’s the right place but extremely loud. If you live alone, go right ahead… or else you will wake everyone up.
Four: the sound of piss hitting the inner walls… this is what you should be hearing. It is the sound of victory. Its stealth. Its lie a secret affair… no one should know…

Step five: re positioning with dying force.
You know that science experiment in primary school with a bottle with holes in a line the water is filled and you can see the difference in pressure? Pissing works with the same principles… you know what i mean…

Step six: The shake. Do not go violent. Like a gentleman, treat your client like a queen. You have probably heard the saying that goes ‘shaking more than five times can and will be considered playing with oneself’ p.s there is no saying that goes like that… I just made that up.

EPILOGUE

If you were sleepy and you intend on continuing your dream from where you left off, do not was your hands or look into the mirror. The cold water will erase all the temporary data files in your brain. I promise you. And looking in the mirror in the dark is a taboo… what if you see yourself… the you shit your pants… all your hard work will mean have meant nothing!
I am a strong believer in hygiene… so if you did not wash your hands please place them under your pillow… do not bring them close to your face no matter what… any dream where you are eating good food and licking your fingers should be considered nightmares….
If you suck at aiming… well, clean up behind you… or just switch on the lights (this might not help extreme cases of terrible aim)

I wrote this post on a Huawei tab… this bloody gadget has no auto correct or spell check… it underlines even the correct spellings. You will find terrible spelling mistakes because I am dizzy from cough medicine and no spell check in this gadget.
I am sorry for my terrible spelling and grammar…  I aced all my English exams… so you really can’t tell me nothing B-)

 
5 Comments

Posted by on October 8, 2012 in my quotes, self help

 

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The Amazing Goodnight!


Dear Doris,

You fail me my love. Still no word from you. You let my heart be consoled by strange women. I received yet another letter. I could not understand a single word said in it but I was happy. Happy that another woman consoles my heart after noticing the tireless effort I input on trying to make you love me again!

It worries me that we might never be in love like we used… It worries me that I might be fighting a losing battle… But I would rather fight the battle anyway. Maybe someday you will realize we were brought to this earth to spend our lives together!

I apologize in advance, for the coming two months will pass with minimal communication because of this huge project I am part of that is going to take most of my time – and that is the Storymoja Hay Festival.

I am writing today about ‘The Amazing Goodnight!’ I am sure every single man reading this at this moment has experienced this. If you have not experienced this then there is something extremely wrong with you!!

Let me create a scene for you:

You are in the club and see this irresistible woman! She is in a tiny red dress and midnight black felt heels… Her hair is long and light and sways with the slightest move of her head. Her waist is slender and her behind worth an effort. Her eye lashes seductively call out with every blink…

You have to have her…

You walk to her… Small talk… You make her laugh… You pound on your chest with pride on the inside… She gives you her number which you save on all your phones and back up on a cloud incase shit happens and you lose your phone…

You do not communicate for 3 days like the typical male Homo sapiens…

Then you text…

‘Hey beautiful?’

She replies, ‘Who is this?’

You reply, ‘Onyango!’

She might not remember… Or she remembers and is playing games… Either way, you have to explain yourself.

‘We me Saturday night!’ You reply…

‘oh yeah. :)’ she replies.

My friend this is how you tell you are about to get an ‘amazing goodnight!’

She will say ‘I am not interested in talking to you right now’ politely. If you have the slightest bit of intellect, you will, and I stress, end this conversation like this or any other way you deem right…

‘Was just checking up on your beautiful self…’

She might say ‘Awww. Thanks’ or just ‘Thanks!’ Do not reply this text… That way you both go to bed happy…

Things will go wrong if you reply tis,

‘oh yeah. :)’ with, ‘so how are you?’

This is like asking the pope about condoms… He has heard everything on the topic!

If you get an extremely rude woman, she will say, ‘I am ok. Nyt.’ That is 1st Degree AMAZING GOODNIGHT! (It is called amazing because it does not call for a response. It ends the conversation immediately)

You might also get, ‘ttyl. goodnight!’ 2nd DEGREE AMAZING GOODNIGHT. (she has given you permission to try again another day!)

Or, ‘goin to bed now. Will call you tmrw’ 3rd DEGREE AMAZING GOODNIGHT. (Be warned that SHE WILL NOT CALL. She has, without mentioning it, given you the permission to call her the next day)

Normally she will be doing something thats evidently more important than talking to you; like, ‘Have to drive my dad to the hospital’ or ‘talking to mum’

Be advised that an AMAZING GOODNIGHT has no response whatsoever. If you receive the the texts or anything near them, do not reply. Go to bed and think about what you are doing wrong!!

Some men will reply though, it is not like we were all born on a dark Friday night! … Be advised that from that reply onwards, you should declare yourself a slave! You just gave a woman enough reason to walk all over you! AND SHE WILL! AND YOU WILL LET HER!

Signs of an ‘amazing goodnight’

  • Shortened words: ttyl, nyt, gdnyt, slp tyt, tmrw, goin, night.
  • Signs of no efforts to write the text: tk kesho, :), 🙂
  • Curt/rude: i am ok. nyt.

But do not lose heart… Amazing goodnights are just a woman’s way of saying ‘I don’t feel like talking to you right now’ it is way better than us men WHO WILL NOT REPLY if we do not feel like talking…

Like I always say, ‘If she had the time to say NO, then she can be convinced…’™

For Brendah

 
 

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HOW TO GET A WOMAN TO LOOK AT YOUR FACE!


Dear Doris,

I am a terrible person. I feel like my heart is now a tiny bag of sand. I have been cruel to you in the recent past and honestly I can’t explain why or how. It was a natural force destined to see us part. But it will not overpower my love for you. You are all I have… Believe it!

How are you my angel? I know it has been a while and I apologize…

I just started writing with absolutely nothing to write about. I tend to do that a lot when I am feeling low. So let me just dig into my mind, be warned though, nothing productive might come out of this.

This one is for the men out there who read this, women, please go read …mmmm… I don’t know…. You can stay, I guess!

I am going to teach you how to dress! I know, i know! You know how to hide your private manenos… But dressing is a bit more complicated than hiding you daling aling! That is the main reason of course but if your woman is the ugliest of all the women your friends have around them, then you have a problem! You need to change your shirt or button it up!

Men dress differently. Everyone has their own style, which I am not against. Your style should match your weight and height and breath! If you have bad breath stay at home naked! I am going to teach you my style. I am tall and thin! HAHA! I am so perverted! But seriously, I am quite tall and almost no meat cushion my bones! The ultimate UK body 🙂

This might only be important to you if you wear the same things I do on the daily and you are my size… I am always in a slim tie, flat front pants, a fitting shirt, pointy formal shoes and a jacket… If you have met me, you probably know this.

Lets get to it:

I will start by teaching you how to know if you dress badly!

HOW DO YOU KNOW?

1. If your woman does not invite you to social places as often as she should! It is because you embarrass her you sick man! She loves you but your PR is below average! Now if she is at a party and you are watching movies at home, walk to the mirror and weep as you continually slap yourself until she comes back… Probably with another man having touched her in her private place and she liked it!!!

2. If no woman has ever come up to you in a bar but you have seen it happen to your friends…. IT IS TIME TO CHANGE YOUR PANTS! Women are like Jack Bauer! THEY WANT TO KNOW WHERE THE F*N NERVE GAS IS! Ok I don’t know what that means! Research shows that women will notice what you are wearing before they do your face… So if you are dressed badly and you are not attractive then I can’t help you! At least give her reason to look at you…

3. If that woman you meet on the streets WHO YOU ARE SURE YOU HAVE MET BEFORE AND EVEN LOKKS AT YOU LIKE YALL HAVE MET passes right by you without stopping… Then it might be what you are wearing. Women don’t like being seen around with shabby men! Or you raped her and she is scared of you!! YOU SICK MAN!

4. If you do not slow down at windows to look at yourself THEN YOU ARE AN EYE SORE AND YOU KNOW IT! ME I EVEN STOP AT A CLEAR WINDOW! 😀

5. If the seat next to you is in the matatu is the last one to be occupied then you have a problem! If a woman gets into the matatu, and you are seated near the sliding door, but she walks right to the back… then go back home and burn all your clothes and buy a new toothbrush, toothpaste and deodorant!

6. If its your 4th year at the company you are working for and you have never been promoted then your boss might not like the things you wear to work… Or you suck at what you do…

7. if your woman has asked you to go change what you are wearing before the two of you go out more than 5 times the past year then even you know you have a problem! Let her even pick something out for you… She will tell you if you need new clothes! Plus what a woman chosses out for you have A HIGH PROBABILITY of attracting other women… DO NOT CONFUSE THIS FOR ENCOURAGING ADULTERY!

I could go on and on but I will stop there…

HOW TO TREAT YOUR PROBLEM:

1. If you have clothes in your closet that you have been wearing regularly [and not to sleep] that date back 2 years. Donate them to charity… You will know this when the collar of your shirt does not match your shirt! Or if your pants are shiny on its butt area then you have probably farted on that pair enough times and YOU NEED A FRESH START!

2. Buy clothes that fuckin* fit! It is very important to know your size! The person who put those numbers on clothes is not stupid! You don’t walk into a shop, see a shirt you like and just pick it! It is also important to know the details of your size.

For example, my shirts are 15″ collar, Small, Slim fit. And trousers are 32″ waist 44″ length, flat front. My jackets are 38″ Small Slim fit. Anything out of those numbers will not fit…

3. Women are obsessed with shoes. Not just ati theirs or their girlfriend’s… They will notice those old un polished things you are wearing beneath your feet… I only wear pointy shoes. Ok I am lying! Most of the shoes I own are pointy. They look good on a slim figure… I don’t know about fat men! Have 3 or four pairs of shoes at least NOT INCLUDING YOUR BATA SLIPPERS!

4. CLIP YOUR NAILS! Yes, its part of your outfit! I CANT STAND THOSE PEOPLE WHO KEEP ONE NAIL LONGER THAN THE REST… I just puked a little in my mouth just thinking about it! Bleghhh!

5. WE KNOW YOU HAVE COLOGNE OMERA… So will you put enough and not try killing the people around you! Cologne is probably (if you are buying good ones) the most expensive part of your outfit! Weka kidogo jamani!

6. I try to wear pocket squares as much as I can. Some people have this mentality that your tie should match your pocket square! THIS IS A TERRIBLE IDEA! I suggest you wear a flashy colored pocket square… It will have the woman’s eyes on you! People who match the two shop at Kings Collection! Yuck!

7. When it comes to jackets, make sure they all fall right under your buttocks. A shorter jacket will emphasize your height as well as your skinny waist, arms and legs. Yuck! Then there is that tag on the sleeve of your jacket… In fact, let me make this simple for you, DONT BUY A JACKET WITH A TAG ON ITS SLEEVE! Those are the cheap ones!

Never go beyond 2 buttons… Always one or two buttons!

8. This will be my last one because I am tired of typing! Match you belt with your shoes… This is the obvious but one of you did not know this…

9. I almost forgot about the tie… I wear slim ties because of my figure… I look ridiculous in a fat tie… Wear something flashy… I SWEAR TO GOD IT WILL ATTRACT THAT WOMAN YOU ARE TRYING SO HARD TO IMPRESS BY BUYING HER TABLE COUNTLESS BOTTLES OF ALCOHOL!

I am so bored with this post… Yuck!

Vocabulary: Yuck – I don’t know what it means, my niece keeps on saying it at the end of every sentence and i find it cool… YUCK!

This one is dedicated to @queengathoni

 
12 Comments

Posted by on May 9, 2012 in self help

 

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TOOTHPASTE


Dear Doris,

This arguably is the longest time we have spent apart… So many things have been going on. I received all your letters.

I am sorry i didn’t tell you about my trip to the UK… It all happened so fast… By the way if you are seated there thinking that i am lying about this UK trip then I don’t think we should be together! It’s that time you started trusting me… I know i lied about Miami and Rome and Venezuela…i was really in the UK… You know the job I was telling you about? Well, i got it and was sent to the UK….

Let me not bore you with my trips around the world!! I want to teach you about toothpaste…

I have told you about the high school i went to right? Just in case you forgot… It didn’t have electricity or RUNNING water (we showered in an abandoned gold mine)! That water was nothing close to RUNNING… it was there to stay. So from your common sense you have probably deduced that people fell sick… and some even died!! I hope I am not scaring you… I am trying to sugar coat this as much as I can… I could have just said students drowned and we used this gold mine with the rest of the village surrounding it and their animals!! cattle tend to shit when drinking water… so we had dung floating all over the place… If you would so dare to immerse your  head under that water, the probability of you having dung strategically placed on your head as you get your head out of the water is quite, well, high!! if you by any chance happened to open your mouth at any point… you see why I was sugar-coating it!!? We rubbed shoulders with typhoid, malaria, amoebiasis, and any other disease you would get from sharing the same water to shower with an entire community… WE LITERALLY SHARED DISEASES!! Remind me to tel you about this disease people got… we called it MANDRAX!! hahaha!! My heavens, i need Dr. Greggory House right about now!!
Where was I going with this…. Yes, toothpaste!!

Please not that medical attention in THAT particular school was almost bull shit… get it? haha!! Ok you don’t… please keep up!! The ‘doctor’ gave you ORODAH for anything you came down with!!! Malaria, typhoid… HIV!! ORODAH is a low-budget drug to substitute Fansidah!! So we had to come up with ways of treating ourselves!! We invented medicines.. some of them worked, some almost killed us… Typhoid, stomach aches, blur vision (got from opening your eyes in that goldmine water), ulcers etc Here is where toothpaste comes in…

If you were in high school at any point in your life… Even if you dropped out somewhere along the way… You already know that toothpaste is a base!! Common knowledge… This next paragraph is for those of you who dropped out on their first week of high school (acids and bases is taught on like the 2nd week)

A base (in chemistry) means having a pH (on the pH scale) of 8-14. It is a substance that can accept protons. A base that is dissolved in water is called an alkali.

I know i have confused you even more! But don not worry, YOU ARE TOO COOL FOR SCHOOL!

Moving on! A base will neutralize an acid. Common sense.

Listen very carefully, stomach aches are caused by too much acid floating around in your stomach with nothing to do. So next time you are experiencing a tummy ache, lick some toothpaste… AND YES, SWALLOW IT!! You will be feeling better in  no time! You will be killing two birds with the same stone… FRESH BREATH AND NO TUMMY ACHE 🙂

I will teach you how cure blur vision next time!!

CAUTION: You might be putting this substance in your mouth every morning and just before bed ( i hope so) but If you so ingest a spoon full of toothpaste you will die! In like 10 years! Then again, toothpaste is designed to make you throw up if you ingested a lot of it!! So if you were dumped or you have lost your job and want to commit suicide, I suggest you buy the HUGE Colgate. It will not do the work as fast as rat poison, but in a few years, you will die from intestinal blockage!

 
7 Comments

Posted by on July 4, 2011 in barding tales, near death, self help

 

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WHAT A COVER CAN SAY


Dear Doris,

I was thinking! Who came up with the line, ‘DONT JUDGE A BOOK BY ITS COVER’?

If you are not allowed to judge a book by its cover, then WHAT IS THE COVER FOR!??

You can tell most of the story from the cover… If the cover says ‘PRIMARY MATHS’ You definitely know what the book is about and shouldnt open it!! Maybe I am not looking at this with the depth it deserves to be looked at!!

Let me dig deeper!

You already know this ‘teaches’ us not to prejudge people by its outward appearance alone…

Here is how I see it…

When I meet a woman, I can almost tell the kind of person she is by what she is wearing, her size, her eyes, her handbag, her teeth, her dress… Jewelry etc If you don’t judge that book by its cover, you might end up with a trick! If that woman’s waits is the size of your thumb and she has on boots that go up till her thigh and clothes that can’t cover a doll… Shes probably not the woman for you… and you should proceed with caution! Then again she might be the kindest woman in the world and holds a masters in aeronautical engineering.. Just maybe! But if she’s not, you are ready!

Look at love at first sight, if it does exist… THAT IS TOTALLY JUDGING THE BOOK BY THE COVER!!

I have realized I don’t know what I am saying!! I am contradicting myself!

Restarting train of thought…

I guess what I am trying to say is… What am I trying to say!?

I am an artist, I work for a publishing firm, Storymoja Africa, one of the things I do is design covers, some guy somewhere saying you can’t judge a book by its cover is trying to have me jobless!

I design covers from the story… People might interpret it differently… It’s not like God fitted us with the same brain…

Judge that book by the cover, just use the body to confirm… Sometimes the cover gives you what the pages cant… The cover will give you something to believe in.

One’s smile can hide a geyser  of tears… but there is hope that somewhere deep within, there is a true smile. You cannot give a fake smile unless you know how the real one looks like… Right?

Ok now I am sure I have no idea what I am talking about!

True story: This once I went to meet my cousin Abi at Dormans, and on her table was this huge purple hand-bag. It wasnt Abi’s, she doesn’t do hand-bags, it belonged to her friend who was out, looking for an Mpesa place. I told her I was going to like whoever owned that bag…

She is now my girlfriend, the lady who owned the hand-bag, and not once have I regretted my first judgement! She was everything I thought she would be…

 
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Posted by on May 12, 2011 in big beautiful women, love, self help

 
 
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