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Category Archives: short comings

A WATERFALL OF SH*T


My Dear Doris,

I can’t remember the last time I wrote to you my Love. The truth is, I went silent to see if you really cared. To see if you will write back to check if I am alive. I have since learnt that you do not care. Which kills me. But it is fine Doris. It is not like I chose to fall madly in love with you right? It is not like I planned to meet you! It is not that God decided to plant the fullest of hips on you… Or naturally lighten your skin… Doris, what I am trying to say is, it is not my fault to have fallen this deeply for you. It is not my fault! And it kills me that you treat this like it is my fault! We loved each other Doris. Madly! What happened to us? What happened to us sensing the other was not well.. What happened to those long hours in each others arms? What happened to ‘We do not care what our parents think?’… What happened? I miss you.

You do not pick calls anymore. It sure felt good being able to call you when ‘Sura Yako‘ by Sauti Sol came on the radio. Our song! I have decided it is our song! You know how much I love Sauti Sol.

I am writing this as I listen to Michael Bolton! With ear phones lodged deep in my ears! I listen to Michael Bolton when I am writing. I am embarrassed. But I feel theres no better jams to pour your heart out to that Michael Bolton… Especially when it is a sad story! His voice is just the right pitch for telling a sad story.

A lot has happened since I last wrote. Nothing ‘near death’ though!

I have been having a difficult time sleeping the past few days! I like sleeping, and I conc* out in seconds no matter what is on my mind. That is why I can watch horror movies so easily in the dead of the night when I am alone. I will not have issues sleeping through a good exorcism movie! I have slept like a baby right after a bad break up! I will cry, yes… Lakini saa ya kulala ni saa ya kulala! I remember one time in primary school my mum was called in by the deputy head teacher because she thought I was sick. I had slept the whole day! Hehe! Also, without an alarm, I can be asleep 17 days mfululizo*! I like my sleep and if it gets to a point where I can’t sleep, it is a BIG! Let me explain!

The Upper Hill Falls!

The Upper Hill Falls! And 200k apartments in the background!

I live in Madaraka. A railway line separates Madaraka from Upper Hill. The apartments opposite mine (on the Upper Hill side) cost 200k a month! So that railway line is just the world telling me, ‘LANES NIGGA… LANES!’

About a month ago a sewage pipe blew up on the Upper Hill side. Not the usual 3mm pipe burst you see everyday. This was some major shit transporter! It got worse with every passing day! It was a water fall in a week! And I am not exaggerating! Please try to take out the picture of a waterfall of shit from your head, because it wasn’t anything like that! Just RAW water. Does that make sense? It is just green water that looks like it would satisfy a medium skuma wiki farm. It looked quite rich!

So, of late, I have learnt to sleep with the sound of a water fall in my back yard. Which is not so bad. It is soothing… Sleeping to the sound of high velocity water hitting the ground is quite heavenly. It is almost like rain hitting the walls of your apartment… It is like sitting in your car and watching rain hit your wind shield. I am trying to tell you that it is nice! Everyone knows how beautiful it is to sleep to the sound of rain!

Now imagine I have been sleeping to this waterfall for a month then Nairobi City Water and Sewerage Company decide to fix it! One of the few things they are doing right is wrong! I am still mad at them for bursting my water metre! Now I can’t sleep. Madaraka Resort and Spa is now just Madaraka!

This one is for K-Waxx who can recite almost all my letters to Doris word for word!

Important Note: I thoroughly appreciate my readers. Very few things give my heart the same warmth as when a fan goes, “Dear Doris!” You mean a lot to me.

Another important note: My blogger friend @MagungaWilliams is contesting for a really big #Samsung tv. If he win this huge #Samsung tv, he gets to give whomever he chooses another #Samsung tv. I have no clue how this works but I want that other #Samsung tv. I have no idea what one is supposed to do or how one is supposed to do it… All I know is everyone who wants this other #Samsung tv keeps on using the hash tag #Samsung all over the place. Read @MagungaWilliams’ work here Real G so that he can win tvs for all of us. Also comment there telling him it is me he should give the #Samsung tv to!

 
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Posted by on October 30, 2014 in comedy, random, short comings

 

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BEDBUGS AND SEX


My Lovely Doris,

Woman, so experts say I have to write to you more often to stand a chance winning this thing at all… Tricky bit is, I have to be riddled with misfortunes to make this happen… I never have flowery stories that are full of love, cars and money and chapati to write…

How are you my love? A little birdy told me you are having pains on our thigh… I hope you are alright now. Why are you having pains on your thigh? Is it another man my love… Do your thighs hurt from the… You know what, forget it… I do not have much to say today, but I will say it either way!

As I write this, two of my colleagues are arguing about man visiting Mars… It is funny!

Because nothing dramatic has happened to me since my last letter, I will have to dig something from the past… And what greater period exists than Barding? If you have been reading this blog you definitely know Barding… This is the high school I went to… A forest and a great hill away from Kogelo… That is far… No water or electricity with bedbugs the size of a medium sized Dell mouse! Ok I am lying about the size of the bedbugs, they might have been a bit bigger! This letter is not about the school though, you can read more under the Barding Tales category.

I think I was in form three and we had just gone for an outing… In the middle of Luo land we called them outings… Not funkees… Did I even spell that right?! An outing was exactly what the name depicts, a day out of the penitentiary! We didn’t have a bus, so the school hired a van… This made more that 20 people leave the school at the same time a bit tricky… The school could afford only one van at a time… UNLESS the team being sent out was extremely promising…

Where was I? Yes, outing!

We had gone to Ng’iya girls, which was absolute heaven really… The smartest girls in the district! Smart and pretty… Naive teenage girls running all over the place in blue skirts and white shirts. Giggling like piglets… Some donning magnificent red sweaters… Whats that bird that shows off its red chest when ready for mating? Yes…

We had gone for a basketball tournament! Not with the girls… With boy schools from the region… Our school was not the best basketball team in the area though… I think we lost every game we played that day! In fact I am sute we lost every game we played! This is not the best for one’s PR, considering one had to mingle after the games… Failure is never good for PR! If you add the fact that back at school, water is scarce and might have skived bathing… Well, you can tell where that is going!

RANDOM FACT: BARDING WAS 55th IN THE 2013 KCSE EXAMS! Ululation!

The games are done… I change into uniform (green trousers, blue shirt, green tie, green sweater and black shoes) I think I looked way better in this that lime green basketball jersey with brilliant red stripes on the side!

In my smart casual wear, I scan the grounds for potential candidates… I am looking for light skin (shows dirt easy), big bones (they have big hearts), long hair, short nails, probably holding a book (plus points if it is Abott Physics), donning a wrist watch (a woman who takes her time very seriously), and in sandals (Bata slippers – i like feet. Plus point if they are red to match her sweater! Blue skirt and blue Bata slippers is just too much blue!)

This was taken on the exact day this happened... Can you see Ng'iya girls in blue skirts at the back? Can you see me seated... Stressed? Then can you see the girl on the top right? Soooo funny!

This was taken on the exact day this happened… Can you see Ng’iya girls in blue skirts at the back? Can you see me seated… Stressed? Then can you see the girl on the top right? Soooo funny!

It is near impossible to find all these in a woman… I mean girl… So I end up going for the one with most checked boxes!

She is easily the lightest girl in the school, tall and pretty. She was a Mwarabu… She was intelligent… How did I know you ask… Well, like I have said before, there is something intelligence does to a face… It can’t be explained but THERE IS SOMETHING! Her Mwarabu hair was long and lustrous, dark brown and played on her back in brilliant curls. She was not big boned though… But who cares?! Her arms were tiny and her body matched. She had a wrist watch and held a novel… Can’t remember the title… She was the candidate! Her toes sat prettily in Bata slippers… SHE WAS DEFINITELY THE POTENTIAL CANDIDATE…

The hour was late and we were almost being called to get into the van back to Barding so your game had to be short and calculated… She had a wrist watch so she should was able to understand how critical time was… Here is how to be short and precise… You have to be extremely disciplined. You have to make her have you on her mind as often as possible… ONE: Introduce yourself (My english has always been impeccable so this part was a walk in the park). TWO: Compliment (Tell her how extremely pretty you think she is… Look into her eyes… Women tend to think you are being honest when you look into their eyes (-: ). THREE: Fast Forward conversation (Tell her how you would have loved to stay and chat for longer… Tell her next time you will make more time… Then pray y’all are called back to the van) If not, FOUR: Make her laugh! When you get to school, write!

I walk up to her and introduce myself, “Ian is my name, what’s yours?” My heart is pounding so hard at this point I am almost swallowing my lungs!

“I know! Khadija!” She says. This is a thorough set back because I have to ask her how she knows, which IS NOT IN MY PLAN!!! *Khadija might or might not be her real name by the way*

“You do? How now? I will totally understand if it’s from all the fame we have gained from losing all our games today?” I say… The next sentence already cooking in my head… She giggles… SHE GIGGLES! Khadija is giggling… I do multiple somersaults in my head… complete with a split!

At this moment, I can see Barding boys running towards the van… Which was good for business…

“You are famous…” she started but she never got to finish her statement… Something made her stop talking… Her Mwarabu big eyes reduced to judging slits!

I notice her eyes dart to my collar then back to my eyes… It was so fast I almost missed it… You know when you are talking to someone and there’s something wrong with a part of their face and your eyes keep darting to that part… EXACTLY! Then she did it again… I caught her line of vision this time…

TO MY FUCKIN’ HORROR! I caught sight of a very courageous bedbug stroll out of the fold of my collar… I tried flicking the thing and missed… Now, bedbugs are very fast even faster when their lives are in danger… The thing scampered with unbelievable speed and got into my shirt through a button hole…

If you are waiting to hear what happened with Khadija then you have no idea how big a bedbug is… I lost myself going for that insect that I didn’t notice Khadija walk away! Fast…

Now, that darn bedbug set me back a few quantums back but I got Khadija… Took like a year!

Have you voted for Dear Doris? Well ton on now... Click on the image to take you to the voting site.

Have you voted for Dear Doris? Well ton on now… Click on the image to take you to the voting site.

 

 
 

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SHOPPING WITH ALEXANDER MUGE


Dear Doris,

Good evening my one and only… My one and only means the only woman I am sleeping with… So I am guessing I am not your one and only… But I am not worried… It is my feelings that matter… And I say, you are my one and only… How many men have you slept with since we last saw each other? Six? Sixty? Do not answer that question… Your utter attractiveness should reflect on that number… And we all know how extremely attractive you are… So…

Let me stop stressing myself…

My phone has just alerted me that the battery is low… This is the first time it has done that since I bought it… The charge takes a week… It is a Nokia Asha 205 or something like that… You remember I lost my phone right? I am using this one up until the CID guys get mine… Which does not look like it is going to be anytime soon… They keep asking me to Mpesa monies for random things… And I Mpesa… Because I am stupid…. Stupidly in love with my phone… This one has a Facebook button… It is funny… It costed me 9000 bongo points… Anyhu…

The other day I went shopping for stuff for the house with Alexander Muge… This was at Uchumi Sarit…

Got this randomly from the internet: This was the best lunch I had at Barding... Pork...

Got this randomly online: This was the best lunch I had at Barding… Pork… 

My old phone had this application called ‘Out Of Milk’ that had a built-in list of everything you might possibly need to buy from the store… Try it out… With a Nokia Asha, I have to go through every aisle looking for things so I don’t forget anything!

Alexander was pushing my trolley as I put things inside…

We came across random car keys on the floor at some point… I am freaked out by such things… Maybe it’s an ambush of some kind… So I told Alexander Muge to pick it up as I looked around for a SWAT team… Nothing happened… I took them from him and decided to take them to the customer care desk… At this point I asks d Alexander Muge to keep shopping and to include everything he might think is important.

I was gone for about 10 minutes…

When I came back, the trolley was full to the top! Be advised that he had not even moved much… These were the things Alexander Muge added into the trolley:

  1. 100 metre synthetic rope
  2. A broom (The soft ones made of reeds)
  3. That circular thing that has pegs and people use to hang underwear
  4. Steel wool (the really huge one… Really really huge one)
  5. 20 litre cleaning detergent
  6. Body scrub

I can’t remember the rest.

When I asked him how those thing were important he got violent…

“How can you ask me to include important things then come back to ask me how they are important!?”

The kid had a point… So I asked,”Sawa… Why did you include a mtungi of detergent?”

Without even thinking, he responded,”It was cheap…” The walked away!

I told him to put everything that he had brought back…

Alexander is currently on a mission… He is seducing her land lady for the rent to go down… Things are not working as fast as he anticipated though… All he has achieved is, and I quote, ‘I am now allowed to pay my rent as late as the 10th!’

On our way out of Sarit, the lights went out and Alexander Muge shouted,”WESTGATE!”

 
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Posted by on November 5, 2013 in comedy, short comings

 

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HOW TO PRAY


Dear Doris,

I am sleepy! I am 7 kilometres away from home and its 10pm… What I am trying to say is, this will be very short! This is one of those short stories I was talking about!

I went to buy lunch the other day (Saturday) , like I explained on my last letter. When I got there, I found out I had forgotten my wallet at home… I was at some place called Karamarg. I live on the 3rd floor and you do not just go up 55 steps and come down again then go back up… You will die… S I check my Mpesa balance… KSH117. I go to the nearest Mpesa place and withdraw 100 bob… The Mpesa woman was looking at me funny…

When I went back to Karamarg I met a woman walking out holding two packets of chips… Or Madaraka Fries 😀

She was BIG… AND YELLOOOO… And wore semi thick dreadlocks on her head… Her hips were massive… They looked like they came straight from Mount Olympus… Her breasts were steady and ready… Like security forts… They stood high… Almost touched her chin…

1208765_353720238092778_645671955_nShe was wearing bright green pants and a black blouse that was almost transparent… That is translucent right? I could see the idea of her body…

She wore sandals with white straps… They are those 1000 bob ones from Mr. Price.Yes I know ’em!

Her eyes met mine and I swallowed hard… I walked passed her…

When I was at the counter I said a little, harmless, innocent prayer, “God, if I see that woman again, I WILL SNIPE IT!”

I got my Madaraka Fries and walked home keeping a keen eye out for green pants…

When I got to my door, AND I SHIT YOU NOT, the Yello Rasta was at my door! She was texting frantically… I stopped for a bit on the stairs…

“Do you have any idea where block 50C is?” She asked…

I almost said, “inside that door!” I could not utter a single word… I was petrified! I just pointed towards the direction I thought Block 50C was…

I learnt not to pray for things I am not ready for!

Now I am ready for a CLS…

#HOMETIME

 
11 Comments

Posted by on October 29, 2013 in short comings

 

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PUSSIES IN MY ENGINE


Dear Doris,

I love you… And it has hit me that I have a lot that I do not tell you… You know those random short stories that one easily puts aside? Yeah… So I have started a new category called ‘short Comings’ that will have these stories!

I did not use my car the whole weekend (This is a very important bit so keep it in mind). I spent most of my weekend indoors. The only times I left the house was to go get lunch on Saturday and to take out the garbage on Sunday night… I totally ignore my grandma’s advice never to take the garbage out at nigh because apparently you are throwing away blessings… Is that why I do not own a CLS yet?

But this is a short story so I will get right to it…

On my way to work this morning I stopped at a gas station to fuel for the week… Ok I am lying… I had like 260 bob… That was a one way ticket to the office…

The Total guy looked at me funny then ordered, “Fungua tank!” I did… I do not understand why these attendants become less pleasant when you buy 200 bob fuel…

“Receipt?” I asked after he slum shut my fuel tank door… He was not too excited.

3tbjc4“Mbele iko sawa?” He asked as he handed me my receipt!

“Ebu check…” I ask and pop the bonnet.

The guy jumped back with a loud shriek letting go the bonnet.

“Boss kuna paka wawili hapo ndani!” He said keeping his distance… “Sasa tufanye aje?” I ask.

“Wewe enda tu nazo. Hapa hatufugi pussi! Usijali hazitaanguka ukiendesha” He said and jammed the bonnet. He then cleaned my wind shield.

I am now at the office with one cat in my engine. I have no clue where the second one is and I am feeling terrible that it might have fallen on the road even though I was driving very slowly.

The watchman at the office who washes my car has just sent me a text, “Ian, nifanye nini na huyu paka?”

“Chukua!” I reply!

I thought this was going to be short :/

funny_grumpy_cat_meme_selection_640_01

 
14 Comments

Posted by on October 28, 2013 in comedy, short comings

 

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