Dear Doris,
I am seated in front of this computer thinking about how to start this letter… I am completely blank… I will be ok from the second paragraph onwards… Normally on this paragraph, the first, I confess my love for you… And explain in what quantities I have missed you, which, since I started writing to you, have always been immense… I cannot recall when I was not missing you… Or thinking about you… I can not remember not ever-loving you… I am sitting here torturing my insides, holding on to us… Is there even an us anymore? All I am holding on to, I guess, is what I have for you… The love… The memories… A thin strand of string… But it will have to do…
A while back someone reminded me that I had promised to write about how women should dress on a first date… Well here goes nothing! This manual is for yelo yelo plus sized women! *dinner edition*
A study by Ian Arunga
NOTE: If you show up yelo, pretty, intelligent and ‘big’ donning tiny feet, you, my dear, are dressed to kill… But there are some details we have to go through… Let us talk about how that beauty should be wrapped… Best gifts are always wrapped, yes?And isn’t it just wayyyyy better to unwrap a well wrapped gift than otherwise? Ok I am losing focus!
This letter will revolve around this one sentence – Wear a black dress with contrasting shoes!
Need I say anything really?! Look how attractive her knees are! #fatknees
The Black Dress – (or any dark colour. Not red) I think all women should have a black dress! (my yelo yelo women) You know that black dress that ends right above your knee? By right above the knee I mean nothing more that a 5 bob coin above the knee… The knee is very important… I like a fat yelo knee… 🙂 There is some sexiness in knees… Let this black dress fit well… Just enough to whisper to the world, “Yes… Those are my FUNDAMENTOZ!” Not loose and not TOO tight…
I feel black is the best colour for a dress because it does not threaten eye contact during a conversation. Eye contact is very important. You want to keep this man’s eyes on yours. Nothing busy. Nothing that will get his eyes off your lips moving… Your jet black hair swaying left and right with every slight swing of the head. Your teeth (I like teeth). Your smile… Give the man a chance to notice every single detail your head holds… NOW YOU IF YOU GO ON WEARING AN ODM ORANGE DRESS WITH BEES ON IT HOW DO YOU WANT THE MAN TO NOTICE YOUR SMILE?!
Cover enough to let lust fight for its rights! Cleavage is good… Not CLEAVAGE! Show off the tip of the parting of your breasts… Anything more would be suggesting things even you did not know were suggesting! When the man loses eye contact to look at your dress, let it be because he really likes it and not want to tear it off just yet… (wear red for that… or white)!
Do not try out a new dress on a first date… unless you are a stunt man…
I really like these shoes… Exactly what you should wear with that black dress…. Then are you seeing the way it goes with the yelo yelo skin?? Yes!
The shoes – Men lie to themselves that they can tell how good a woman is by their shoes…. use this utter stupidity against them. Wear shoes that are easy to spot… By easy to spot I do not mean the Gaga ones without heels and multiple spikes… We want to impress the guy… Not kill him and use his flesh to make a dress!
I suggest something bright coloured… Let them be elegant… Them being bright gets the man’s attention. Them being classy elegant totally uses them judging you by your shoes against them! Avoid black shoes…. Black, like I said, is very easily ignored. Confuse the man a bit.Stay away from white shoes… and thigh high boots… Or anything with fur!
The shoes should be comfortable… You look terrible trying to balance on 6 inch stilts that you are not used to… In fact, wear flats if you have to… Do a test before your date — if you can’t walk normally in them, leave them at home.
The jewellery – Nothing that jingles loud enough to the human hearing level. Leave that to inmates donning handcuffs! And Pharaoh. Choose a metal or stone ad stick to it… If you are a gold person… Do gold all through… If you are going to do pearls… STICK TO PEARLS… Do not go out looking like something that was dug from the earth’s very core!
Avoid earrings that tag on your ears… Elongated ears are not the prettiest of sights!
The handbag – No back packs! Then those handbags the size of body bags – Yu are not going to spend the rest of you life at his house starting ‘tonight’ you realise! I thoroughly advise a clutch purse that matches your shoes… There are shops in England that sell the two together 😀 And a purse is mandatory… At least look like you can pay for something…
The Lipstick – ok… If you know how to put it on… Do it! Avoid the ones with adjectives such as hot, wet, sexy, lusty… The bright colours that is… And if you look in the mirror and all you see is, “WHY SO SERIOUS!” then take it off…
Men hate make up… Yes? Ok I hate make-up! Let me reprise that… I hate overdone make-up… Leave that to Kiini Macho! Put just enough… I do not want your face print on my shirt when I hug you… My shirts are quite costly…
The Phone – This, believe it or not, is part of your outfit and how you behave with it is extremely important! Listen, men are the most jealous animals on earth after parrots and the second you text or answer a call… their turf is immediately threatened. Put the thing on aeroplane mode. Let it be on and thats it! Then put it back online after the date, most advisable when he is dropping you home… Then pray a text comes in… Do not read it… THIS WILL F*CK HIM UP A GOOD ONE!
And lastly…
Honesty – This is the the bow on the wrap…
Dear Doris 