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Highway to the Grave… Yard


My Doris, my all, My Chapati and Beef Stew,

You might not think it possible my love, but you and I will surely see each other not too far from this moment! Our bodies might be miles apart but your heart cannot run away from my own… and your image cannot escape my mind! You are closer than you would be if you were seated right next to me!

My heart is full of so many things to say to you. Like always. Ok maybe not always. But tales or no tales…. Letters or no letters… Thoughts or dead in the brain, worry not my fat yellow yellow beauty, I am yours and not even another YOU can take my love for you! Not even another you!!! Oh God – so near! so far!

I have not had my car for about a week. This statement in itself is enough drama! Walk with me now. I hit a pothole and broke something Matata, my mechanic, calls the hub!

Last week I got onto a matatu to Madaraka at 10pm just opposite Red Robbin. Here is where they stop after 9pm. Normally one would get one at bus station! I am not certain about the matatu number but I am sure it is a figure less that 20!

Normally when I leave the office that late and I do not have my car, I ensure I am with Denet. Denet is my colleague and friend. I have known him since high school. The first time I was slapped in high school I was with him. He was slapped too. We were making noise. I should write about that sometime! He is the size of a small carand I believe, from office grapevine, can eat multiple loaves of bread in one sitting! He might kill me for saying that! His purpose is to scare away bad people who would feel it is necessary to take away my MacBook Pro or my 5.2″ screen Samsung! My watches are also quite costly…

Denet walks me to the matatu then walks to his, which is never too far from mine! But this is not about Denet!

We had heard gunshots at Koja Bus Park and I was pretty scared that night. But normally when I am that scared, I smell a great tale…

The matatu too eons to fill up! I was the only one for about 15 minutes. Then this tall skinny black kid in amateur dreadlocks came and sat next to me! I was seated at the front! He was eating mabuyu and spitting the seeds on the floor of the matau! I didn’t mind this ape like behavior until o seed hit one of my shoes. They are not expensive shoes, but they are from England… AND YOU DO NOT JUST SPIT MABUYU SEEDS ON SHOES FROM ENGLAND!!!

I decided to get off and sit at the back on the front row. Here I lied to myself I could read a book. So I yanked out ‘The Boy in the Stripped Pyjamas’ and struggled to read under a flickering neon light! The book is utterly sad though… I love sad books!

The matatu did not leave that spot for about an hour… And even then, it was still not full. I later learnt why. We did not have a makanga!

The driver got in and spur out,”Funga mango twende!” That was for me because there was no one as close to the sliding door as I was. The thing felt like it hadn’t been greased… Or it had been greased using sand!

The driver, when we got to Haile Selassie roundabout the asks the ‘Mabuyu Seeds Spitter’ to collect the money from people. “Kama haunt exact shuka tafadhali!” The driver said and parked at the petrol station at the roundabout just to show how serious he was. This did not make sense because he would have said this before he left the stage! But apes will always be apes!

Uhuru Highway2 men got off! Friends. Luos! I mean, who else wouldn’t have ‘EXACT’? Heheh! They were speaking in Luo. One man to the other,”Jogi bo nyalowa Narobi kaendi!” (These people will ‘weza’ us here in Nairobi!)

The driver then drove off…

Let me explain! I had 8 thousand in my wallet… In thousands! When the ‘Mabuyu Seeds Spitter’ gestured to ask for my money, I shamelessly gave him a thousand shillings. He snitched to the driver immediately!

“Huyu hana ganji ndogo!” (This one doesn’t have ‘little’ money! The driver, I believe didn’t think for one second about what he did next! He, just at that spot where bulldozers are sold, got off the road and onto the pretend pavement and told me to get off! I thought it was a joke up until he got off and slid the un-greased sliding door and ordered me out!

“Jaribu hiyo ujinga penguin!” (Try that stupidity elsewhere)

I got off!

Now let me explain just how close to death I was! On the other side of the road is an old graveyard known as Makaburini. This fact alone is completely and entirely scary! But that was not my problem… The biggest issue was how unsafe the area is. The morning before that my colleague was telling me how her brother was cut on his head using a panga by thugs. And there are so many other cases like that.

My only chance of survival was to run to Nakumatt Mega. It is not too far from where I was abandoned. In fact, it is quite close! But distance doesn’t mean shit with a guy with a panga pursuing your ass!

I am a fast runner. But there is something that happens to you where you are totally freaked out! Not adrenaline… Whatever comes after adrenaline. It brings you to your knees!

A matatu slowed down near me and the making shouted,”Mkubwa ni lifo unatamani ama?” He asked. (Is is death you wish for or what!) “Unaenda wapi?” He continues!”

“Madaraka!” I answer. “Panda twende!” He suggests. This of course was too was. Maybe these were the thugs. I looked inside the matatu and counted 4 men and a woman! That woman was mad, getting into a matatu with 6 men at 10:30pm!

I get in!! I sit at the front!

The driver is called Jonathan Olande and speaks really good English. For a few minutes he quarrels me on why I was walking that stretch at that time of night alone. He doesn’t give me room to explain!

He drops me off at the Madaraka roundabout and tells me he is going to Langata and that was the furthest he could take me! When I was walking away he shouts,”Here is also bad! But you are used to danger, insn’t it?”

I run home and eat a chapati as I thank God about my life!

Below are videos to show how cray cray Makaburini is!

 

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10 Comments

Posted by on May 30, 2014 in comedy, near death

 

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Nishike


My Lovely Doris,

It has been a long while while since I wrote last. I miss you dearly. My heart skips several beats at the thought of your beauty… The thought of your lips against mine… The thought of your skin on mine!

I have not had time to write to you lately! I have stories for you though. There is one about a matatu dropping me off near a grave yard it the dead of the night because I didn’t have change for 1000 bob and another one where I was in the same compound with Shebesh and Sonko and there were gunshots and 1000 women screaming and shouting… At that same compound a policeman with a gun asked me to switch off the music we were listening to because it was too loud! But that one is for another day!

This is a letter I received at the beginning of this year. Another woman who is convinced she is Doris. She will state a few things she claims we did together! Do not believe her!

black-woman-writing-letterDear Ian,

You’re weird! I like weird! I love weird! I would choose weird any day.

Life has never let me choose though. If it had I would not be writing to you with tears in my eyes afraid that you are forgetting about me. I would wake up next to your freakishly long legs every morning… and other long things I remember about you. I would still be playing with your bee sting nipples on Saturday mornings while you read me funny comments on askreddit. I would be falling asleep on your chest while we watch a movie every night. We would be sharing a smoke after ruining dinner because we were busy catching a quickie. I would be wearing nothing under your t-shirt while we watch Boondocks on Sunday morning. I would be with you….

Remember our last night together? You tried singing to me. God, you have the worst voice. That didn’t stop you though; I have always loved that about you. That was one of the many nights we chose to stay in together rather than be out getting drunk and dirty with our friends. My friends were starting to complain by the way. I wore that red t-shirt of yours, that one that you always hated me for wearing because you had wanted to wear it too? Yes, that one.  Oh and you should stop looking for it, I took it with me. Your laugh was louder that night, your kisses deeper and your touch more gentle. Something was different about us that night. It was like we were not afraid to be vulnerable anymore, like nothing but us mattered. I had never been so certain of my love for you like I was on that day. As days pass, I am more convinced that I will never feel any different for you.

I hate that I had to leave but I kept something that will always remind me of that night. I kept a star from that night that shines brighter every day. Her name is Gian. She is lovely!

Something bothers me, you are not writing to me as much as you used to. You are even letting other men write to me, I don’t hate the attention. Worse, you wrote to Adele! The latter arouses very many different shades of jealous in me. What is happening to your feelings for me? Surely you are not going to forget about me, are you? I would hate to not have your letters to hug tight at night when my husband sleeps over at his third wife’s house. We need to talk; our talk has been long overdue. I am afraid, however, that I might not go back to my husband’s house if I so much as get a two second hug from you…. Aaaah your hugs! Those used to feel so good.

Please find a good woman to take care of you. I hear you are becoming thinner and are beginning to look sickly. I wish I could cook for you again but… well, responsibilities. Every once in a while I will sneak away for a smoke in honor of what we used to be. I hope you found your monglinyo, sorry had to put that somewhere.

I have to go make dinner and practice my happy look for when he comes…if he comes.

I luv you!

Yours now and forever,

The Real Doris

 

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HOW TO ABDUCT A PROSTITUTE


My Lovely Doris,

Happy new year my love. I had planned to write to you yesterday night but I almost lost a finger when I slammed the door on it, a fact you have to keep in mind for I will bring it up later on… I am finding it extremely hard to type this because of this. But My Doris, what pain can’t I go through to talk to you… What mountain cant I climb to be with you…. What river cant I swim Doris… What keyboard cant I type on with a busted finger???

Nothing can keep me away from you…

20140101_001527

The pants I ripped at the dancing competition!

Oh, and I won a fridge at a dancing competition at a New Years Party 🙂 I tore my pants during the process…

Because it is really hard for me to type, I beg you to please forgive me, for this will be a short letter…

I was at my parents house in Kileleshwa yesterday for dinner at about 4pm… That is where I slammed the door on my finger. This was so painful that I went straight to sleep. I got up at about 7pm to eat. But this is not the story!

I couldn’t open my car door now that it does not have those fancy things on the key holder people press on to give a funny whistle and open doors… My door is old school… You have to not only twist the keys but TWIST  REALLY HARD! With my woiye finger, this was impossible, so he watchman helped open the door… Valet nini nini!

Driving home, my brother calls and asks me to get him cigarettes on my way home… So I stop at Amazon to buy a pack.

Now listen very carefully…

When coming out of the car I locked the door from inside forgetting I could not unlock it by myself… So after getting the cigarettes, I stood next to my car feeling a bit stupid…. I had to ask for help… The only people in sight at the time were: The guard at the ATM machines, The Kula Korna attendant (who was inside the store) and a random prostitute… The prostitute was closest to me and in very many ways, the most appropriate candidate. So…

“Excuse me… Please come help me open my door… I hurt my hand…” Like I was raised…. I ASKED POLITELY…

The guard at the ATM machines heard what I said and started walking towards us…

Now before I explain to you all the drama that ensued, I need you to know something… What I just did was the perfect way to abduct a prostitute… You ask her to open the door for you and once they do, you push them inside and drive off… Apparently, I am the only person in that area at that particular time that did not know this fact… The guard explained in a raised voice.

“Huyu fala anataka kunibaka nini, wadhani mi dush nini?” The prostitute shouts…

She was very light-skinned… The prostitute that is… Her hair was nothing beyond an inch and was greasy and curly! She had on a white vest and a terrible jean skirt that only covered her pelvis area… The skirt was so short it could pass for a belt! Her thighs were not as light as her face… And her face was lighter than her hands… She looked like a collage! A human made from different human beings…. SHe had green heels that had shinny studs on them… You know the new design with spikes? She had a red shiny clutch purse that was held tightly under her arm-pit! Coming to think of it, she was dressed in the Kenyan flag colours…

Be advised that prostitutes really know how to start drama… The watchman was right next to her saying… “Tumewaona wengi boss…. Tumewaona wengi! Tunawajua nyinyi!”

NOTE: My Swahili is terrible and everything I write in the same  is not too accurate.

This is today in a bus to work... The struggle is real!

This is today in a bus to work… The struggle is real!

These two human beings had made the whole fuel station come to a stand still… And do you know the painful thing, I COULD NOT GET INTO MY FUCKIN CAR!!!!  I dropped my keys twice fumbling with the lock…. I gave up and just stood there…

The prostitute was now hitting my car calling me ‘rapist’… “You rapist… You rapist!” she went on and on… I could tell she was Kikuyu because the more she said ‘rapist’ the more the ‘R’ got lost… No offence… I am already a rapist, I do not want to be a tribalist as ell….

There was a small crowd that had surrounded me at this point… But no one was willing to listen to what I had to say…

A relatively smartly dressed man got to where we were and asked to see this finger I was talking about. He was a short man so he was not very intimidating as he thought he was. He had black pants, a white shirt and a red tie. His stomach had exceeded his shirt… Diamond shaped spaces formed in between his shirt buttons… One of his legs was shorter than the other one, this was evident from his limp. His glasses sat on his nose with no symmetry whatsoever. He was definitely in charge. He took me inside the wine store where there was a bit of light. Luckily, my finger was a bit black and it was a bit clear that I was not well.

So because of all the drama I caused, I was told never to go back there. The strange man walked me to my car, opened my door and said, “Please never come back here again…

___

I have just heard someone say a woman should MATTER… That is, Have weight and occupy space 😀 I have died many small deaths!

____

My next post will be ‘What To Wear On Your First Date: A Manual For Women

 

 
12 Comments

Posted by on January 7, 2014 in matatu tales, my car

 

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MWANGI


Dear Doris,

As I write this sadness overflows from my heart… The jugs of my eyes pregnant with tears… It has been a terrible day my love… Terrible… I lost my phone ON A FUCKIN MATATU! This was on my way to work this morning! When I got to the office I tried calling it even though I knew it was off by the time… Not correct… The call went through but no one picked up… I called countless times until Mwangi picked up!

I am really sorry if this sounds tribalistic, but when he said his name was Mwangi… I gave up all hope of ever getting it back. Again I apologise!

Mwangi was cool though, he said he picked my phone on the matatu seat and wants to give it back… But for me to get it, I was to meet him at Umoja Two near the chief’s office…

I called the office courier and told him to rush to Umoja Two… I kept calling my phone and chatting with Mwangi just so he doesn’t change his mind… I was astound that he wanted to give the phone back though… It was a really cool phone and I would have understood completely if he thought otherwise.

People kept calling Mwangi asking for me. He told all of them that he had picked my phone and is waiting for me to pick it. Two hours later the courier guy had not met up with him and I started to panic… Two minutes later the thing was off! And that was that!

I HATE MATATUS!

*I am listening to Butu na moyi by Makoma as I type this*

I can see your faultless face as I write this letter. I do not have countless words to express what I have for you… I am no poet so I can’t even make the few words I have rhyme with each other to inflate the love I have for you… But suppose I say that absolute and unquestioning love is a chord of many notes – then at present I have not all the notes, as I do not know all of you, but I have a few notes for everything I know about you which sound amazing to my big African ears; I have enough notes to make a harmony my Doris, enough to dance each time you cross my mind… I am afraid I now look like a mad man because I can’t stop dancing! It was those few notes that have made me love you this much… Love with no end yani! I want to love you absolutely, to find the other notes – that will come with deeper knowledge of your lovely nature. Your tiny feet play lingala… Your yelo yelo skin soft rhythm and blues, your intelligence afro fusion… Your plus sizeness rock! I am ready to dance forever!

I took a bus to town from work the other day. It was about 8pm.

Alexander Muge like always took me up until where I get my matatus. He then made sure I had my bus  fare before he left. I gave the makanga my money before even the matatu started moving.

I sat at my usual spot at the co driver’s seat. I then made sure I still had all my valuables after a walk across the CBD that, by the way, crawls with pick pockets and bad people… My wallet was intact… My phone was intact and my Macbook was in place…

I always sit at the front because:

I can keep an eye on the driver. I really want to be the one to save the day in case he loses control or falls asleep or something close to that… or maybe just be the first to know when the plane is going down so I can dive out of the vehicle! And the leg room is just amazing compared to the rest of the matatu where you have to tuck your feet under the seat for you to fit!

I like sitting at the window but people who are stronger or more persistent always take this away from me. Like last night… this really rough dark man with matofaris for a chest, got in and just pushed me over using his ass… I did not fight back. You would not have either if you saw his face… His mandibles were solid and square! Ignoring his brick wall of a torso, his arms were the size of an axle for a small car, he had no hair at all on his head and you could almost see reflections of the city lights from outside on it! He had a neatly trimmed beard. He was wearing a white fitting t-shirt that complimented the excessively zero fat body. The tight t-shirt was tucked into a pair of dark jeans and held in place with a thick belt probably made from a Zebu cow. He tucked his jeans in army boots… or watchman boots… still they were black and shiny.

He had a tiny phone. One of those Nokias with torches… or is it torches with Nokias?! The phone even looked smaller because the palm of them man’s hand were the size of a small satellite dish… as in, they looked like he could hold a gas meko like a glass! With palms as vast as that, you probably need a tablet and nothing else!

His sun glasses were hung disgustingly on his reggae coloured neck sequence of beads that had a yellow lion holding a flag.

On his other hand was an A5 envelope written Club Seventy Seven, that had been crossed off and just below it in unschooled handwriting written: Sebastian M.

What I got from this intel was that he was definitely a bouncer at a club called Club Seventy Seven… but who am I to judge?!

Just before the matatu left I spotted, AND THIS IS NO LIE, Genevieve getting into the same matatu! She was not in her neon haute couture. She was dressed very well actually! A black dress with multiple polka dots the size of the rim of a glass. On her feet were little flat black shoes that had a white bow at the top! She did not have a hand bag this time… Instead, she had a tiny red wallet.

If she was not holding a packet of ILARA fresh milk with a straw sticking out of it she would have been, well, better than the last time! I don’t know about you but there is a peculiar crudeness in walking around sucking fresh milk off a straw from a polythene bag! Yes?

Anyways, Genevieve got into the matatu and that was that…

I was back to my terrible habits of reading people’s texts in the matatu… The mountain sitting next to me had been texting non-stop all through the ride… So I decided to find out what ‘bouncers’ or whatever he was, say on short message service!

This was a bit tricky because if by any chance he would catch me glimpse at his phone screen he would snap my neck effortlessly! There is this quiz I took on Facebook called, “When Will I Die!” I got between 65 and 70 years!There was no way I was going to compromise that just because I was reading someone’s texts carelessly… I had to do it S.W.A.Tly!

The first text I saw was an incoming text,”Tomorrow maybe.”

I already liked the person who was texting this mountain because whoever they were, they spelt every word entirely and correctly!

Then the beast replied within the next second with visible anger…,”Why not today…” But he did not send it… He thought for a minute… Then added,”Why not today Baibe!”

It was evident at this point that we were dealing with a nit! WHAT THE HELL IS BAIBE!!!?

I had already created a story of what the two might be talking about… They were definitely discussing a meeting! But the person on the other side was not feeling this plan… The one sitting next to me was terrible at asking for a meet up if he thought miss spelt pet names would work… The person on the other side had the upper hand because his/her every text worried this man!

“I can’t and you know why!” A reply came in…

imagesThis caught the mountain off-guard because he thought for a long while before replying! Like he was trying to remember why they could not meet  up that day…

I was so engrossed in this conversation that I forgot I was supposed to be doing this in secret! One can always feel when their texts are being read… More often when they are talking about things they should be talking about behind closed doors and dimmed lights!

The man caught me red handed… I am blind, so I tend to concentrate hard on things… He caught me at this point. I had gotten so close my head was almost under his chin!

Luckily he did not snap my neck like I had envisioned… He instead bumped me with his elbow. My heart sunk! I looked at his face blankly as I waited for him to flatten my face! I shot back to my initial upright position and ignored his very existence… I tend to believe surprise neck breaks are less painful!

“Umekosa form!” He said and looked at me straight in the eye… His brows slightly dipped! By this moment I had not breathed in or out for almost a minute!

I understood what he said…

I did not apologise though… Apologising confirms that you actually committed the crime… I was not going to warrant my own death! I ignored him… And set my eyes forward… Like I was the one operating the auto mobile…

I could see him texting from the side of my eye but the rims to my glasses were blocking my view…And I couldn’t move my head…

I got a glimpse of ‘Sweethart’ and ‘way’. I almost told him to go through the text one more time to catch stupid errors but something told me this was a bad idea.

He was getting visibly annoyed with every text that came in… He was replying faster this time… The texts were getting shorter and shorter… I think he had enough when he decided to call the person on the other side.

I could hear the phone ring multiple times before the person on the other side received the call… Then did not say a word… For like two seconds then the mountain went like, “Hello!”

“Yeah!” A woman’s voice from the other side…

“Sielewi…” He continues!

“I have explained everything Sebah…” an innocent voice from the other side, loud like gun shots in the silent matatu… I was holding my breath so I could get every word. The man noticed this and lowered the phone volume until I could not hear anything at all.

A lot of un-interesting things were exchanged over the phone… I couldn’t hear but I have to tell myself this in order not to feel like shit for missing a thoroughly enthralling conversation.

The man got off at a random stop completely un-amused!

And that was that…

I was the last one to leave the matatu…

Just as I was getting off, the makanga tapped my back violently and said… “Ebu chukua hii namba! Nimeambiwa nikupe! Zero seven seven… Haraka… Saa mbaya…”

It was Genevieve’s… I took it and saved it as ‘Local Talent’.

 
16 Comments

Posted by on October 7, 2013 in comedy

 

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WHAT REALLY HAPPENED AT WESTGATE MALL


My Love Doris,

It has been a long time since I had an opportunity of writing to you my Doris, and I gladly avail myself of the present opportunity. I am not certain that I will have a chance of sending this but I will write a few lines any how and try to get it off to let you know that I am among the living.

Did you hear about the Wastgate Mall terrorist attack? It was horrible my love… Not knowing where you were at the time made it worse… I have no idea if you are alive… But my heart is at rest… That can only mean that you are some place safe and alive… I could always tell when you were poorly…

My love, I was sure I was over you up until I stumbled upon a few of your pictures on my phone! I deleted all of them by the way… But we both know the pictures of you embedded deep in my mind can only be deleted by the silencing of my heart… The quietness of the chambers programmed to propel blood through my body… The stillness of my pulse… Only that can muzzle my love for you!

But this is not my story…

I took my car in for a paint job yesterday and I will not be getting it back up until Friday… This could only mean one thing… Matatu to and from work up until Friday!

I got onto a matatu to town with Alexander Muge at about 7pm. I had really thought about leaving my computer at the office because of the fear of it getting stolen! Alexander Muge, “The way you are tall you are scared!” Needless to say I carried it! The matatu to town was alright! Nothing too alarming. The driver kept on saying things about Westgate in Kikuyu which was a bit annoying because I was really interested in the topic!

I had 26 shillings between me and the nearest ATM so Alexander paid my bus fair…

“How can an adult walk around with 26 shillings in CBD here!?” he kept on asking!

Alexander took me to where Madaraka matatus are and left for the South B stage!

I sat on my best matatu seat… Co driver’s seat – at the window!

It didn’t take long before some lady came and gestured that she wanted to sit between the driver and I… She was on the phone, speaking in fathomless sheng! She was talking at the capital of her voice and laughing after everything she said… It was not too annoying!

Her handbag was the size of a body bag! With zebra print… But not black and white… It was red and white! It had massive gold coated chains for handles that jingled uncontrollably! The bag did not have much in it… I could tell because whatever was inside kept on moving back and forth every time she laughed! Her nails were neon pink… I could not stop staring! Her pants neon green… She had a white vest on that did not look clean… I did not see the dirt but I could feel it… You know how you can feel dirt? Not by touching it… It is like a thick cloud around you… You can’t smell it… BUT YOU KNOW ITS THERE!

A red shiny belt was tied tightly round her waist… It was not expensive… I have seen those belts being sold on the streets.

I did not see her shoes probably because the colour of her nails caught my eyes fast… And the ways she was waving her hand with every sheng conjunction, I could not concentrate on anything else!

She was now seated between the driver and myself…

“Haiya dakika kama punch hivi nakam!” That was the last thing she said before she hung up and threw her phone in the abyss of a bag…

Let me make this clear, she was not bad-looking. With a little L’Oreal here and a little Shower To Shower there she would be something!

There is this weirdness when you are seated there silent next to an obvious motormouth! It is almost like she is going to ambush you with a conversation!

And she did…

“We unado?” She asked… I was holding my laptop tight at this point. Not because she might steal it but because the matatu had started moving and I have watched the videos on Youtube where people steal things from matatus!

She caught me off guard… I had suspected she was going to start a conversation from the way she looked at me… But all normal conversations start with introductions… Like, I start all of mine by, “Hi, Ian is my name and I write books for children.” That is from the time 3 of my books were approved by KIE for the Kenya school curriculum! Just saying!

“Poa!” I answer without thinking about it one bit!

“Huh! Wacha presha!” she says… “Yani na-mean unado job gani? Ama uko Kole?” She continued!

I have never had this conversation in sheng and did not know how to answer…

I do a lot but was trying to figure out what in particular would stir a good conversation… So I answered, “Naandika vitabu za watoto!”

“Haki Gai! Wacha!” She burst out! I had not idea if this was a, “PLEASE DO GO ON!” prompt!

“Ndio!” I say! Ebu niambie kama gani?” She asks

Please be advised that none of the books I have written are out yet and they are kids books… This was a tricky question! It is not like Id go like Cinderella na Snow White… So I go like, “Can You See me, The Odd ne Out…” She cut me mid-statement!

“Hizo ndio gani! Gai!” She spits!

This is Warsan shire and I at The Storymoja Hay Festival sometime last week...

This is Warsan shire and I at The Storymoja Hay Festival sometime last week… I will write about the Storymoja Hay Festival soon…

 

“Za watoto!” I answer innocently! At this moment I can’t wait to come out of the matatu!

The makanga saves me at this point by ordering, “Pesa mbele!” And at that split second it hits me that I have only 26 bob on me! The ride was 50 bob! My heart is beating so fast at this point! Thing is, I was more scared of what this lady would say more than what the makanga would do…

I am taking my time going through my multiple pockets hoping to find a coin or two I might have overlooked in the past… The 3 coins in my pocket were sure! A twenty bob, a five bob and a one bob! I was finished. The lady had paid her fair and gotten back her change and was now looking at me almost sure that I had no money!

“Hauna doe!” She asks almost laughing!

“Niko nayo!” I answer… I lie! I remove the 26 bob and continue looking for more coins! The makanga persistent! “PESA MBELE!”

I go through my laptop bag and get another 1 bob!

“Maze kuniaibisha nayo!” The lady says and gives the makanga a 50 bob! “Ntakusmamia hii riba!” She continues!

“Una doe home? Juu unajua lazima unilipe hiyo doe!” She says looking out the driver’s window! Like she was ignoring my presence! There was a peculiar graveness in her voice!

“Unashuka wapi?” I ask her…

“Pahali utashukia!” she retorts! “SI unanipa doe!”

I think fast and suggest we get off in Nairobi West where there’s an ATM so I get her the money!

“Na interest ujue…” She storms.

I met these kids at the Storymoja Hay Festival. They made this coffin from bamboo. Apparently bamboo grows a metre a day and is more environment friendly to use it than hard wood.

I met these kids at the Storymoja Hay Festival. They are from a school in Kisumu I think… They made this coffin from bamboo. Apparently bamboo grows a metre a day and is more environment friendly to use it than hard wood.

“Wewe unado?” I ask… It did not come out right because she burst out laughing!

“Unanibamba!” She says but does not answer my question! I did not know how to ask another one so I let it go… She was quiet for a while… Looking outside the driver’s window!

Then, “Niko KIM!” She says… “Niko karibu kumada lakini. Nipate kadiploma yangu!” She continues!

“Kenya Institute of Management?” I ask only realising how stupid that was after it came out!

“Kwani unajua ingine? Unanibamba yani!” she answers again almost laughing!

“Sijui hata jinaako…” She asks…

“Hata mimi sijui yako!” I respond!

“Kwani ni brikicho!” She comes back…

“Naitwa Genevieve!” She continues!

I wanted to lie… But I am a terrible liar… The only name that was in my head that was not mine was Ole Lenku… So I went like “Lenku!” I had not thought about it…

“Gai!” She says and looks out the driver’s window again!

We do not speak up until we get off at Nairobi West!

“Unastay wapi?” She asks as we walk to the ATM machine.

“Mada!” I answer. “Na wewe?” I continue!

“Siwaka!” She responds! “Umeandika vitabu ngapi?” She continues.

“Nne!” I answer.

“Gai! Nne pekee?!” She asks in a mocking tone! “Kwani zina pages thao!?” She continues now laughing!

She was still laughing by the time we got to the ATM 5 minutes later!

I had to look for change for a while. It is not like ATMs dish 50 bobs… Except Equity ones… Or do they? I do not know!

From the ATM we walk to Madaraka talking about how boring her lecturers are and how shy I am…

I walked into the wrong court because I feared she might come looking for me someday!

“HAUCHUKUI NAMBA YANGU!!!?” she asks annoyed. “Ow seven seven…” She starts. I am looking for my phone frantically because I had kept it so far inside my jacket for safety!

She gets impatient… “Ah! Wachana nayao… Ntakupata tu!” She says and walks away…

AND THAT IS DAY ONE…

Oh! And I do not think anyone knows what happened at Westgate just yet… We are all Waiting for Mohammed Ali to do a documentary on it!

As ever your devoted and loving man….

Ian

 
47 Comments

Posted by on October 1, 2013 in comedy, matatu tales

 

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JUST GOT BACK FROM THE UK!


My Lovely Woman,

As I type this my mother is shouting my name to go down stairs for devotion… This is not normal because it is 9:30pm… You know too well this is a dawn affair! I am going to go down stairs and find out what is going on… Do not go anywhere…

Just came back up after like an hour.. Nothing serious! Asante Mungu!

Moving right along!

I am running out of things to write to you about! I have been staring at the blinking cursor for almost 10 minutes now! My days were full of drama… Intense drama… At some point in my life I was almost killed by a mob in the middle of town… At another point my brother and I towed a scooter half-way across town… At another point I was running away from the City Council askaris… I have since figured why this is so… I bought a car! All the drama was in the matatus cetaris pharibas. I am sure I spelt that wrong! Its not even supposed to be there!

Please be advised that I am going to milk that point until there is absolutely nothing left… That is me buying a car! I love the way that statement plays on my tongue… That one and, ‘when I was working in the UK’

I still pull that one one and a half years later! EVERYONE who asks me where I have been gets the line smack on their faces! I make it sound like I have just come from the airport… The other day I met one of my childhood friends at the Westlands Oil Libya mini mart! She was buying cigarettes! I was buying gum… The traffic was insane and I was tired of balancing pedals…

“Hi Patricia*” I said with absolute uncertainty because the ass she wielded was not the ass she had  15 years ago… And her mammary glands were, well, mammary glands! These were completely new!

“Ian?” she responded and quickly put her cigarettes in her hand bag like she was hiding them… Clearly forgetting we were not 10 anymore! I smiled!

“Yup!” I answer!

I was wearing my best shirt and shoes so I was sure I was on top of my game!

“Happy new year!” I continue! My father says that a lot so it comes to my head naturally!

She laughs

“You are still funny!” She makes a pass at me…

15 years ago she would’nt have looked at me once let alone make a pass at me… I was the tall skinny kid with shorts that barely covered my thighs while she was that rich spoilt child whose dad and mum lived in Nairobi… We were in Kisumu, so Nairobi was a big deal! Yeah… I said it!

“haha!” I laugh with absolutely nothing to tell this woman!

“So where have you been all this while?” She asks… She woke up the monster! I have this conversation all planned out!!! AL PLANNED FUCKIN’ OUT!

“Nowhere interesting! Been working in the UK. Just came back! Where have you been?” I answer like I was there from 1997! Be advised that I was there for less than 2 months!

Did you notice what I did with my answer? I answered and bounced the question back to her like ‘been working in the UK’ was not that big! HAHAHAHA!

“Wow! What do you do?” She asks… Here is where I was sure I had her by the balls… I am this middle aged, attractive young man who is doing well… Trust me… That is evident from my shirt!

To her question, ‘what do you do?’ I normally answer, “I am a graphic designer!” But when I notice the awe in your eyes by how well you think I am doing… I go like, “I am an artist!” hahahahah! Which I am! I just looking like I earn loads of money from not doing much… I do not by the way… So wipe that look off your face!

‘Ongoro’ – Here I showered for four years straight… I am not in the picture so stop trying to find me!

We are now walking out of the mini mart… Talking about the past! She is walking towards the bus stop and I have to stop her…

“I am parked the other side!” BAZINGA! The little things that excite me…

“Oh, ok!” She answers…

“Where are you headed? Maybe I can…” I start… She doesnt let me finish…

“Town!” She says… “You?” She asks…

“Kileleshwa!” I answer like I own a house in that area…

“You live in Kile?” She asks.

“Yup”, I answer! Intentionally forgetting to mention that I live in my parents house…

We part ways… I leave this woman with such skewed information… I feel bad inside for a little bit… Then it hits me I did not tell a single lie… I put on my aviators and speed off… IN MY CAR!

 
18 Comments

Posted by on October 18, 2012 in barding tales, comedy, women tales

 

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HOW TO GET HOME FROM ANYWHERE USING ENO


(I would like to use this oppotuinity to apologise for my last post that was sent out this morning! I published a draft post by mistake.)

My Enchantment,

I am reading a book called, ‘We need to talk about Kevin’ by Lionel Shriver. It is a book of letters written by Kevin’s mother to Kevin’s dad. Kevin is in jail for killing 8 (I think) of his classmates and a teacher. But that is not my story, I just thought it was important to let you know what I am doing with my free time… I am not sleeping with anyone else… I am saving myself for you my love.

I am still recovering from yesterday’s blind date. She (the light one) has just texted me, and I quote,”If it is tru, I don wanna luk back” End of quote! I have no clue what she is going on about! I tend to shy away from human beings who can’t spell… I think I have said this before! But @savvykenya gave me an excellent idea on how to reply such messages… I replied, “Hamna presha!” My intention was for her to get offended and never text me again! She replied, and I quote, “wat are you doin?” HAHAHA!

This next story will cost you 15 Kenyan Shillings. No it is not for me! I need you to run to the nearest shop and buy a sachet of Eno, which is normally 15 bob –  26 bob if you live in Muthaiga and 17 bob if you live in Kileleshwa! Please put the Eno close, we will use it later!

I am going to teach you how to get home using a matatu without paying a single cent! Please be advised, this might go terribly wrong if you are a bad actor/actress!

The other day I found myself in town with 23 Shillings in my pocket. I had forgotten my wallet at the office. A matatu home is 50 Shillings! I had to think fast! It was about 10:14 p.m. I had to get home using my 23 bob! Below is how I did it…

i was at the bus stop for a while planning on how to execute this impossible mission!

I came up with a master plan… I was going to get home using 15 bob! I walk across the road to a random shop and buy a sachet of Eno for 15 bob. I now had 8 shillings. This was the point of no return!

Now I had to choose carefully which matatu I got into. I needed one with a very rowdy tout and impatient driver! Ok that’s like all of them!

In the matatu I needed the perfect seat for my plan…. And that is the seat right at the back on the far right! That believe it or not is the seat you can cause the most drama!

My heart was pounding so hard the guy next to me could feel it… I think! The matatu started moving… It was time!

I removed the Eno from my pocket, tore a corner and put some on the palm of my hand…I had to do this without anyone watching! Then licked the bit that was on my hand… It was disgusting! I let it froth in my mouth… You have to lick just a little… Anything more will force your mouth open!

I was going to fake an epileptic seizure just before I got to my stage! << This was the plan!

Then my phone rang! It was Jeanette. A friend! I couldn’t talk because I had all this froth in my mouth but she would not stop calling. She has never called me before so I thought it was serious! I had to swallow the Eno in my mouth! Tough times!

She was looking for someone to go have a drink with… I was there, my life on the line and she wants to go have a drink. People can be a bit inconsiderate don’t you think?! Plus I had 8 bob, so that plan was fiction!

I had to start all over again! We were fast approaching Kileleshwa so I had to act fast! I had to do this before the tout asked for money!  I took out the Eno and poured a lot on my hand the licked it all… THIS IS A MISTAKE! Eno froths vigorously! We were in Chiromo now and I couldn’t hold it in… It was forcing my mouth open and I had to let it out before I choked to death! I would still get home without paying!

I had to have my seizure at that exact moment! I had no idea how I would get home from there though!

Then I opened my mouth and started jerking hard! I made my pupils disappear behind my eyelids leaving my eyes white and horrendous! The guy next to me freaked out! That is how I wanted it! I jerked more violently! He shouted, “Smamisha, huyu anakufa!” My plan was going on great!

Pause…

The plan is supposed to work like this: I fake the fit, there chaos for a bit, I come back to my senses the  I am set free… Be advised that it will never go like that!

The matatu stops and I am carried out and put on the ground! I had my Zara jacket on – I did not like this…. But I had to get home!

“I am a nurse, I can help!” A young woman walks to me!. Ladies and gentlemen… I was fucked!

“Nani ako na BIC!” She orders!

Someone throws her a pen and she jams it between my teeth! I HAVE NO IDEA WHERE THAT PEN WAS FROM MAN! It smelt of ass!

“Someone look for contacts or any information in his bag that can help!” a voice from the crowd! SHIT!

Someone grabs my bag and is fishing inside for Jehovah knows what!

I am still jerking! A crowd is forming around me… I had to keep this up until the matatu left…

he matatu was not leaving!

“Give him space, he needs fresh air!” The ‘nurse’ ordered! “We need to take him to hospital!” she continued! This plan was backfiring on me! I had not thought this part through! SHIT!

“Kuna hosi hapa juu!” the tout suggests!

I am like Fuck!

The tout suggests that the driver goes with the passengers as he and the nurse stay behind to sort the situation out! This was a terrible idea if I was having a real attack but the hell… I needed the matatu gone!

A few seconds after the matatu speeds off, I start coming back to my normal self… I have froth all over my neck… I scared myself even! i sit up and dust my jacket!

“How are you feeling?” The nurse asks!

“ok!” I say with a faded voice…

“Does this happen a lot?” she interrogates!

“Yes!” I answer…

Another matatu comes by and we take it… I pick up my bag but I don’t check inside praying hard everything inside!

“Where is home?” the nurse asks me like I am a child…

“Makueni Road…” I answer… My voice sounding like I am about to die! I love it!

“Ok, I will take you home!” she says…

THIS WOMAN HAD A PROBLEM! SHE WAS TOO CLINGY! I don’t like this!

“Ok!” I say…. my voice…

We get to Makueni and we get off together… She is walking me down the road… I needed a plan to make her go away! I thought of lying that a random gate was home but thought that she would want to come in…. This woman was nuts!

We get to my real gate and I open it; she was right behind me; like she wanted to get in…

“I am home now… Thank you. I appreciate your concern!” I say and shut the gate on her face and walk to the end of the court past my house in case she was peeping to see which house I got into!

And I was home! And that is how you get home with 15 Shillings! Taxing, but bullet proof! Ok maybe not bullet proof!

Fuck! Just got terrible news!

 
29 Comments

Posted by on June 15, 2012 in comedy

 

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