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JUST GOT BACK FROM THE UK!


My Lovely Woman,

As I type this my mother is shouting my name to go down stairs for devotion… This is not normal because it is 9:30pm… You know too well this is a dawn affair! I am going to go down stairs and find out what is going on… Do not go anywhere…

Just came back up after like an hour.. Nothing serious! Asante Mungu!

Moving right along!

I am running out of things to write to you about! I have been staring at the blinking cursor for almost 10 minutes now! My days were full of drama… Intense drama… At some point in my life I was almost killed by a mob in the middle of town… At another point my brother and I towed a scooter half-way across town… At another point I was running away from the City Council askaris… I have since figured why this is so… I bought a car! All the drama was in the matatus cetaris pharibas. I am sure I spelt that wrong! Its not even supposed to be there!

Please be advised that I am going to milk that point until there is absolutely nothing left… That is me buying a car! I love the way that statement plays on my tongue… That one and, ‘when I was working in the UK’

I still pull that one one and a half years later! EVERYONE who asks me where I have been gets the line smack on their faces! I make it sound like I have just come from the airport… The other day I met one of my childhood friends at the Westlands Oil Libya mini mart! She was buying cigarettes! I was buying gum… The traffic was insane and I was tired of balancing pedals…

“Hi Patricia*” I said with absolute uncertainty because the ass she wielded was not the ass she had  15 years ago… And her mammary glands were, well, mammary glands! These were completely new!

“Ian?” she responded and quickly put her cigarettes in her hand bag like she was hiding them… Clearly forgetting we were not 10 anymore! I smiled!

“Yup!” I answer!

I was wearing my best shirt and shoes so I was sure I was on top of my game!

“Happy new year!” I continue! My father says that a lot so it comes to my head naturally!

She laughs

“You are still funny!” She makes a pass at me…

15 years ago she would’nt have looked at me once let alone make a pass at me… I was the tall skinny kid with shorts that barely covered my thighs while she was that rich spoilt child whose dad and mum lived in Nairobi… We were in Kisumu, so Nairobi was a big deal! Yeah… I said it!

“haha!” I laugh with absolutely nothing to tell this woman!

“So where have you been all this while?” She asks… She woke up the monster! I have this conversation all planned out!!! AL PLANNED FUCKIN’ OUT!

“Nowhere interesting! Been working in the UK. Just came back! Where have you been?” I answer like I was there from 1997! Be advised that I was there for less than 2 months!

Did you notice what I did with my answer? I answered and bounced the question back to her like ‘been working in the UK’ was not that big! HAHAHAHA!

“Wow! What do you do?” She asks… Here is where I was sure I had her by the balls… I am this middle aged, attractive young man who is doing well… Trust me… That is evident from my shirt!

To her question, ‘what do you do?’ I normally answer, “I am a graphic designer!” But when I notice the awe in your eyes by how well you think I am doing… I go like, “I am an artist!” hahahahah! Which I am! I just looking like I earn loads of money from not doing much… I do not by the way… So wipe that look off your face!

‘Ongoro’ – Here I showered for four years straight… I am not in the picture so stop trying to find me!

We are now walking out of the mini mart… Talking about the past! She is walking towards the bus stop and I have to stop her…

“I am parked the other side!” BAZINGA! The little things that excite me…

“Oh, ok!” She answers…

“Where are you headed? Maybe I can…” I start… She doesnt let me finish…

“Town!” She says… “You?” She asks…

“Kileleshwa!” I answer like I own a house in that area…

“You live in Kile?” She asks.

“Yup”, I answer! Intentionally forgetting to mention that I live in my parents house…

We part ways… I leave this woman with such skewed information… I feel bad inside for a little bit… Then it hits me I did not tell a single lie… I put on my aviators and speed off… IN MY CAR!

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Posted by on October 18, 2012 in barding tales, comedy, women tales

 

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How To Cheat


(In case you missed this on crazynairobian.com)

My Lovely Doris,

I mean what I am about to say. I know distance weakens faith and trust… And love… Distance makes you do things… Lie, cheat, and lie some more… That, might have been how man was built! The moment we lose something, we quickly find a way of replacing it with something else – all because of the fear of emptiness loss comes with… Distance! I have not seen your beautiful face for almost 8 years now. Vast waters separate us… It kills me… The thought that you might be enjoying the distance crushes me… I forgive you for what you have done and are yet to do… Distance! A man resides in your house… Your neighbor updates me. I am not afraid. The thought of seeing you again sometime strengthens my faithfulness to you. There will be no other. No woman comes close to you in my heart.

What I am about to tell you is extremely important… Man lies! There are careers even fueled by how well one can lie… Look at lawyers, politicians, cobblers!

Don’t try making sense out of cobblers, I couldn’t come up with a third one so I wrote the first thing that came to my mind!

I lie a lot… and I suck at it… I am always busted.

To cheat, you need to be excellent at lying… I am going to teach you how to cheat… Exciting huh?? I love it!

Please be advised that I can’t stand this behavior and anyone caught doing it should be… well… Yeah!

I am going to teach you from true stories of my life… (I can hear teeth chatter)

I was no more than 10 years old! And I was going out with 3 of the sexiest women in my class. This is how to do it…

Let me create a scene…

I sat right at the front of my class… So close to my teacher I could smell the insides of her hand bag every time she unzipped it… It smelt like IT! You all remember IT??? This is not a joke… There was an insecticide called IT! But this story is not about my teachers hand bag… She once called my mother and told her I have refused to learn how to spell because she couldn’t convince me sugar was spelt as is and not SHUGA!!! I still strongly feel that it should be spelt my way… No man can convince me otherwise… But I am an educated man… Education is doing shit in a way someone else thinks it should be done! I gave up in trying to figure out silent letters and how lasanya becomes lasagne! I am losing plot!!! Back to cheating!

One of the women I was dating, Loise*, (not her real name, she might have grown up and become a lawyer!) sat right at the back right corner. She was not attractive… In fact, I didn’t find her beautiful at all. But she was brainy! I love intelligent women! Intelligence is like ‘no underwear’, its like half way there! She taught me how to divide numbers. You need women like that in your life… its not like homework will do itself… That was her duty… Homework. She finished hers and did mine in a different handwriting. I am not a bad person… So in return, I held her hand everyday as we walked home… This, ladies and gentlemen, is the hardest shit to do at the age of 9! But I was willing to do anything to clear school… I held her hand with pride! I finished school by the way!

Victoria* was pretty! As in extremely pretty! But no whiff of wit whatsoever! In fact, Victoria was her real name! Her job was PR. To make me look good. In class 3 looks get you further than grades…. Trust me, IT WILL NOT MATTER IF YOUR GIRLS CAN RECITE THE MULTIPLICATION TABLE BACKWARDS!!! If she is not fly…. It doesn’t fly! This pretty girl coming from a rich family would be a plus… I like rich beautiful girls… Keeping Victoria was a task though. Every Tom, Dick and Harry bought her stuff at break time. My income was limited. I had two companies that did not bring in enough money! MAMA LTD and BABA INC. I had to do better than Tom, Dick and the other one. This called for more money than I had. So I got a stupid friend. A boy I would lie to to give me all his break money! It is not easy tolerating a fool, but my Victoria had to be pampered!

Last but not least, Shyrose Shah. That is her real name. I dont give two squirts of piss using her real name on here! Her family hates black people anyways… AND SHE EATS MEAT!!! Yes Shyrose… I said it! You already know how hard it was for me to put up with this one! Her name went against my Luo normal ways of pronunciation! Sairose Sa! Thats how it would sometimes come out! Her duty was very important… She supplied humongous bags of flavored crisps and chevda! I sometimes used her to supply Victoria’s needs. And just to prove that ‘the way to a man’s heart is through his tummy’ I ended up with this one! Victoria repeated class 3 (was not good for PR) and Loise* wanted more than holding hands… By more I mean doing my own homework… I wasn’t taking that crap!

You must be asking yourself how I kept them from knowing about each other… Simple… Being caught never crossed my mind… My brain was too small to satisfy three women at the same time, figure out how to spell and multiply shit AND START GETTING WORRIED ABOUT GETTING CAUGHT!

So if you are cheating, and you are there thinking about getting caught… You will be caught! Oh yes you will!

That right there reminds me about a story, ‘The Secret Lives of Baba Segi’s Wives’ by Lola Shoneyin. Baba Segi has 4 wives! Iya Segi is his first wife who is loud and huge… She is the boss lady and runs Baba Segi’s house. You already know a fat loud woman as a first wife cannot be told! Iya Tope is the second wife. She was forced into the marriage by Baba Segi. She she has nothing much to say! Iya femis is the third wife. This ones heart burns with vengence… That statement will be clear in my next sentence! Bolanle is Baba Segis fourth and final wife. Iya Femi does not appreciate this and works her ass off to see it that Bolanle is out! She works hand in hand with Iya Segi to see this plot through! Bolanle is a threat because she is young and educated thus posing as a great threat to the other wives! Like I said, an educated woman HAS POWER!

Funniest bit of the story is all the wives have multiple kids except Bolanle, who has non at all… EVen funnier, Baba Segi is sterile… Very cool book… was nominated for the 2011 Orange Prize for Fiction and will appeal to readers who enjoy African literature.

You can come meet the author of ‘The Secret Lives of Baba Segi’s Wives’ Lola Shoneyin, MYSELF and other amazing local and international authors at The Storymoja Hay Festival which will be going down from 13th to 16th September 2012 at The Nairobi National Museum.

By now you already know how terrible my spelling and grammar is… I like doing things my way…

 
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Posted by on September 3, 2012 in comedy, love, my quotes, sex, women tales

 

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WHAT A WOMAN SHOULD WEAR TO WORK


Dear Doris,

I have said so much my love… and done a tonne to show you that you are the one for me. But all that I have said and done will never compare to what I am willing to do still. My life is purposeless if not spent with you Doris… And if all these things I have said and done still haven’t convinced you of my utter love to you, then I have nothing else to offer…

My dad came back from the States yesterday night.  He is reading a book called, ‘Satan You Can’t have My Children by Iris Delgado!’ I have NO IDEA WHAT MY SIBLINGS IN THE STATES HAVE BEEN UP TO!

Lets get down to business. This one will be long!

Before I go into this I want to let you know that what I am going to teach you is the general things. I will mostly concentrate on plus size yelo yelo lawyers because I like PLUS SIZED YELO YELO  LAWYERS! But this should help you no matter what career you are in – from Mpesa teller to lawyer to doctor through bank robber ( yes, you have to look good to rob a bank so wipe that blank look off your face!)

Lets do this!

The first thing you should have in mind: Image is everything.

I can decide for myself if you are a terrible lawyer or a good one by the way you dress before you say a word! Image covers a wide area… From your ringtone to the colour of your sole. I will try to cover as much as I can!

1. How much you show:

You are allowed to bring your naked body to work but don’t show it! You want to come out as attractive NOT SEXUAL! I have researched on this an I have come up with a way on how to check if your skirt is too short: Place your phone just above your knee in an upright position. If it is not touching your skirt it is most probably short for the work place, so go take it off!

About cleavage – The type of women I like have an ‘absolute bosom’ see also ‘padded bosom’ – I advice you to use your cleavage to say, “oh, you almost saw that didn’t you?!” By that I mean do not go out flaunting it. Hide it almost completely. Or just show all of it – you will lose your job but you will keep your boss!

2. Make up and its evils:

I kid you not, women who wear makeup in business generally get better jobs, get promoted more quickly and get paid more (Times Online UK). Now I am not saying ati you go dive in a bucket of powder to get promoted! Or paint your eyelids blue or draw lines all over you eyes! If you have a zit right at the centre of your fore head, I advice you to rock it with pride than trying to conceal it with heaps of make up… Leave that for clowns and fortune tellers!

3. The suit:

Dear woman, if you want something that will look good on you always it’s a black skirt suit! Buy at least two of these! I prefer my plus size women in skirt suits. Make sure your jackets are two or three button and fits!

A secret: check the material the suit is made of before buying it. It will fit well when one of the materials is spandex in less than 5%. A grey suit is also important… only wear a white skirt suit if you own the firm (see Devil Wears Prada)

4. The hand bag:

Women these days carry HUGE hand bags. You look like you are carrying your child to work in that thing! You don’t want your colleagues thinking that you are not planning on going back home anytime soon because that is what that big bag says!

Stick to genuine leather. You will hardly go wrong with that. Throw all those shiny bags. You don’t want everyone who walks past you seeing their own reflection on your bag.

What you put in this bag is also important! VERY IMPORTANT! There was this once in a matatu,this lady’s phone rang and she couldn’t find t in her HUGE bag. She kept on taking out old receipts and used tissue paper! She had like 4 sunglasses and a huge make up set! Then to top it all a condom wrapper fell out! I advice every woman to have the following: pain killers, a pen a nd a cute tiny note pad, hand sanitizer, mints/gum, a mirror, feminine products, deo, wet wipes, a comb, and a good book ( a woman who reads is a good woman).

4. The shoes

I fall in love with women in black heels that have red soles!

You heels should not be more than 4 inches long unless you work at Tahiti or Apple Bees. I read somewhere that heels make you confident (that right there is a blunt lie… I read no such thing)

Do not wear sandals to work… But I am guessing you already know that.

There is this type of shoes I hate… The are sandals but look like the ‘Jesus sandals’ I have no idea what they are called. They are very common… I wouldn’t wear these!

Keep the toes closed!

I am not an expert on flat shoes so I will avoid that area.

The colour of your heels say a lot! I love my women in red heels and clack heels with red soles.

5. The black dress.

You have to have this. It should be little. Not too little though. It should fit. It should not be too tight. This will go with almost anything. And it will look good.

6. The ringtone.

Kigeugeu by Jaguar and its affiliates are to be avoided for ringtones. Imagine your phone going off to Jimmy Gait! Try setting it to vibrate! In fact… PUT IT ON VIBRATE!

7. The scent.

You are allowed to wear perfume to work. This does not mean you hose yourself in fruity fragrance! The basic rule is, a perfume should not walk ahead of you.  People should not be able to smell your perfume unless they are at arms length! If you walk into a room and people start sneezing… Then… well… leave the room! citrus and fruity scents are advised for the office ( I googled it!)

8. The underwear.

Wear seamless under wear. Panty lines are extremely un-attractive. Kwanza when the panty line does not balance… My word!

The thong – Although I find thongs more suitable for meetings between lovers, I see no reason why a woman couldn’t wear them to work, especially if it is not visible. It cancels out panty lines… But I did not tell you that!

9. The jewelry.

Do not wear noisy jewelry! They are distracting. Instead go for stud earrings or single bracelets! Colour also plays a huge role… Those huge orange beads around your neck will have me concentrating less on what you have to say! Multiple bangles are for young girls, never for a woman looking at the CEO seat!

I have written everything I know on what a woman should wear to work…

My next one will be ‘what to wear to get a man!’

 
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Posted by on May 30, 2012 in big beautiful women, women tales

 

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HOW TO GET A WOMAN TO LOOK AT YOUR FACE!


Dear Doris,

I am a terrible person. I feel like my heart is now a tiny bag of sand. I have been cruel to you in the recent past and honestly I can’t explain why or how. It was a natural force destined to see us part. But it will not overpower my love for you. You are all I have… Believe it!

How are you my angel? I know it has been a while and I apologize…

I just started writing with absolutely nothing to write about. I tend to do that a lot when I am feeling low. So let me just dig into my mind, be warned though, nothing productive might come out of this.

This one is for the men out there who read this, women, please go read …mmmm… I don’t know…. You can stay, I guess!

I am going to teach you how to dress! I know, i know! You know how to hide your private manenos… But dressing is a bit more complicated than hiding you daling aling! That is the main reason of course but if your woman is the ugliest of all the women your friends have around them, then you have a problem! You need to change your shirt or button it up!

Men dress differently. Everyone has their own style, which I am not against. Your style should match your weight and height and breath! If you have bad breath stay at home naked! I am going to teach you my style. I am tall and thin! HAHA! I am so perverted! But seriously, I am quite tall and almost no meat cushion my bones! The ultimate UK body 🙂

This might only be important to you if you wear the same things I do on the daily and you are my size… I am always in a slim tie, flat front pants, a fitting shirt, pointy formal shoes and a jacket… If you have met me, you probably know this.

Lets get to it:

I will start by teaching you how to know if you dress badly!

HOW DO YOU KNOW?

1. If your woman does not invite you to social places as often as she should! It is because you embarrass her you sick man! She loves you but your PR is below average! Now if she is at a party and you are watching movies at home, walk to the mirror and weep as you continually slap yourself until she comes back… Probably with another man having touched her in her private place and she liked it!!!

2. If no woman has ever come up to you in a bar but you have seen it happen to your friends…. IT IS TIME TO CHANGE YOUR PANTS! Women are like Jack Bauer! THEY WANT TO KNOW WHERE THE F*N NERVE GAS IS! Ok I don’t know what that means! Research shows that women will notice what you are wearing before they do your face… So if you are dressed badly and you are not attractive then I can’t help you! At least give her reason to look at you…

3. If that woman you meet on the streets WHO YOU ARE SURE YOU HAVE MET BEFORE AND EVEN LOKKS AT YOU LIKE YALL HAVE MET passes right by you without stopping… Then it might be what you are wearing. Women don’t like being seen around with shabby men! Or you raped her and she is scared of you!! YOU SICK MAN!

4. If you do not slow down at windows to look at yourself THEN YOU ARE AN EYE SORE AND YOU KNOW IT! ME I EVEN STOP AT A CLEAR WINDOW! 😀

5. If the seat next to you is in the matatu is the last one to be occupied then you have a problem! If a woman gets into the matatu, and you are seated near the sliding door, but she walks right to the back… then go back home and burn all your clothes and buy a new toothbrush, toothpaste and deodorant!

6. If its your 4th year at the company you are working for and you have never been promoted then your boss might not like the things you wear to work… Or you suck at what you do…

7. if your woman has asked you to go change what you are wearing before the two of you go out more than 5 times the past year then even you know you have a problem! Let her even pick something out for you… She will tell you if you need new clothes! Plus what a woman chosses out for you have A HIGH PROBABILITY of attracting other women… DO NOT CONFUSE THIS FOR ENCOURAGING ADULTERY!

I could go on and on but I will stop there…

HOW TO TREAT YOUR PROBLEM:

1. If you have clothes in your closet that you have been wearing regularly [and not to sleep] that date back 2 years. Donate them to charity… You will know this when the collar of your shirt does not match your shirt! Or if your pants are shiny on its butt area then you have probably farted on that pair enough times and YOU NEED A FRESH START!

2. Buy clothes that fuckin* fit! It is very important to know your size! The person who put those numbers on clothes is not stupid! You don’t walk into a shop, see a shirt you like and just pick it! It is also important to know the details of your size.

For example, my shirts are 15″ collar, Small, Slim fit. And trousers are 32″ waist 44″ length, flat front. My jackets are 38″ Small Slim fit. Anything out of those numbers will not fit…

3. Women are obsessed with shoes. Not just ati theirs or their girlfriend’s… They will notice those old un polished things you are wearing beneath your feet… I only wear pointy shoes. Ok I am lying! Most of the shoes I own are pointy. They look good on a slim figure… I don’t know about fat men! Have 3 or four pairs of shoes at least NOT INCLUDING YOUR BATA SLIPPERS!

4. CLIP YOUR NAILS! Yes, its part of your outfit! I CANT STAND THOSE PEOPLE WHO KEEP ONE NAIL LONGER THAN THE REST… I just puked a little in my mouth just thinking about it! Bleghhh!

5. WE KNOW YOU HAVE COLOGNE OMERA… So will you put enough and not try killing the people around you! Cologne is probably (if you are buying good ones) the most expensive part of your outfit! Weka kidogo jamani!

6. I try to wear pocket squares as much as I can. Some people have this mentality that your tie should match your pocket square! THIS IS A TERRIBLE IDEA! I suggest you wear a flashy colored pocket square… It will have the woman’s eyes on you! People who match the two shop at Kings Collection! Yuck!

7. When it comes to jackets, make sure they all fall right under your buttocks. A shorter jacket will emphasize your height as well as your skinny waist, arms and legs. Yuck! Then there is that tag on the sleeve of your jacket… In fact, let me make this simple for you, DONT BUY A JACKET WITH A TAG ON ITS SLEEVE! Those are the cheap ones!

Never go beyond 2 buttons… Always one or two buttons!

8. This will be my last one because I am tired of typing! Match you belt with your shoes… This is the obvious but one of you did not know this…

9. I almost forgot about the tie… I wear slim ties because of my figure… I look ridiculous in a fat tie… Wear something flashy… I SWEAR TO GOD IT WILL ATTRACT THAT WOMAN YOU ARE TRYING SO HARD TO IMPRESS BY BUYING HER TABLE COUNTLESS BOTTLES OF ALCOHOL!

I am so bored with this post… Yuck!

Vocabulary: Yuck – I don’t know what it means, my niece keeps on saying it at the end of every sentence and i find it cool… YUCK!

This one is dedicated to @queengathoni

 
12 Comments

Posted by on May 9, 2012 in self help

 

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THE KIKUYU MAN & HOW TO KILL A MOSQUITO!


Dear Doris,

My undying love for you is obvious and evident. How are you my love? I have just got a call from some weird number that a man walked out of your house this morning… Baby, what is going on?

I have a lot of stories today, thats why I have written to you twice today.

This post might sound tribalistic but please be advised that that is not the case! If there is something you disagree with please let me know! This letter is about random things I have noticed SOME Kikuyu men do.

I am a Luo man!

The Kikuyu man:

(**please be advised that not all Kikiyu men behave like this**)

1. The gold* chain!

Gold chains are classy  and in many cases a sign of wealth!

The Kikuyu man: Please be advised that the brown chain you wear round you neck is an eye sore! If you insist that you have to have something around your neck, and you insist you have to use minimal funds, try a gold plated chain… I dont wear gold chains, so I might be wrong on this one…

2. The Mary Mother of Jesus Pendant!

Ok here I am going to graze the hearts of two vast communities; the Kikuyu man and those who wear these pendants!

I am a staunch christian and will not hate on other religions! But surely, that blue pendant does not go well with your already unpleasant brown chain! But you do your thing!

3. The un buttoned shirt!

Dear Kikuyu man, Its sometimes very classy to unbutton your shirt! By unbutton i mean the top button… My friend sasa ukitoanisha vifunguo tano utasaidiwaja jameniiii! Your whole unhealthy hairy chest cavity faces the world! Si hata wewe unaona sasa? Which leads me to my next point…

4. Your health

Rick Ross passes for showing off his unhealthy physique because of his money and spending it…

The kikuyu man; I KNOWWWWW you have money, probably more than us Luos. Ukikataa gym, wear something nice to cover that mess up… Then again, what do I know!

5. Your shirt collar outside your jacket!

I have noticed you dont like wearing ties! Is it just me? I am not saying you start now!

With your un buttoned shirt, you lay your wild shirt collar on your jacket giving the public plain view of the dirt on the lining of your collar! Plus it looks terrible! Always have your shirt collar inside your jacket! OR WEAR A TIE!

6′ The phone pouch strapped to your belt!

Ok even my dad does this! I DO NOT APPROVE! It was cool at some point, if you use original products, it might still pass… But those maasai phone pouches dont work! Ai! Hapana! You look like you are walking around with a dagger!

7. Your ringtone

Sir, why do you go for the worst ringtone on your phone system!?! Simple trick, use the phones default ringtone. It might not be melodious to the hearing organs but it might pass… Like if you have a nokia, use the turururu turururu turururu ruuuu tone! it’s a classic.

8. Your smokey hands

Ok I don’t know where you get these from!

9. The suit that does not fit.

Ok, listen very carefully, if you got out to buy a suit… Tell the guy selling the suit that you need a suit that fits… Not just a suit! It’s important to know your size!

10. The tag on the sleeves of your suit!

You’d be committing a massive faux pas by leaving it on!

Ok I researched about this particular one before I included it because I thought I might be wrong. Turns out I am right! REMOVE THE F*CK*N TAG BEFORE YOU WEAR THE SUIT MAN!!!! You will not believe this but according to my reasearch, its only cheap suits with the sleeve tag…. This is why: Cheap suits flock the racks and the sellers use the sleeve tags to browse! They are for the seller to identify the suit; si yako kufloss nayo!

I am done!

I am tired so I will teach you how to kill a mosquito on Monday!

 

 

 
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Posted by on March 23, 2012 in Uncategorized

 

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MALAYA MWEMA!


Dear Doris,

My Swahili is terrible! So my title simply means ‘Holy Slut’! If this is not what it means then I apologize! I have been away for a while now and my medulla is boiling with stories! I am not even sure where to start! I promise from now on i will try to write everyday like i used to 2 years ago! Lets not waste any time now!

Its Monday today! Just keep that little fact in mind! that’s all I am asking! I know it can become a bit difficult for a few of you when it comes to exercising the brain… Moving on!

I was at the bank on Friday! KCB Sarit to be exact! I had taken a friend! Yes I had that much free time and I was utterly bored at the office! But this is not the point! So I am comfortably seated on the seat in the banking hall waiting for my friend to finish! Theres absolutely nothing to do with your ‘free’ time in a bank! In a few minutes i had gone through all their brochures and boring magazines… Wait…. Their wasnt a single magazine! Some lady came to me twice to ask if ‘i had been assisted!’ Sounds like a brothel huh? ATI ASSISTED!!! SI TWENDE KWANGU UNI-ASSIST BASI MADAM! But this is not the point either!

I had been seated here for almost an hour now and was dozing off!  Then this tall woman walks in… YES IT IS ALWAYS ABOUT A WOMAN!

She is extremely dark… as in shes almost blue! You have probably already deduced that I wasnt interested! I don’t go for anything below 60 watts! It’s not her complexion that got me and the entire banking hall… ITS WHAT SHE WAS WEARING! OR SHOULD I SAY WHAT SHE WAS NOT WEARING!

Her heels were the height of a new pencil!

She was in a red blouse that was SOOO SEE THROUGH I could count the number of polka dots she had on her bra! AND I AM BLIND! I am not complaining! She was wearing those shorts women wear these days… with the high waist! Do you know them?

Her shorts were SHORT! As in they were so tiny you could glimpse at the foot of her ass! As in you could see that fold separating thigh from ass… I know you know this fold!

She was carrying a huge bag… You know the ones for ‘I will not be home till Thursday!’

it was something close to this.... just 10 times smaller!

The banking hall came to a halt! The money counting machines that are always rattling went quiet! The ringing phones… QUIET! As in for a fraction of a minute, she had the whole bank by its balls!

I was wide awake now…

She made her way swinging her ass to the ‘cheque deposit’ queue and posed… Yes… She posed at the end of the queue like a photographer was in the house! I was busy taking pictures with my bare eyes!

She had the X factor… You know those women who are completely not your type but there is an un-explainable force that just draws you to them? I call that THE X FACTOR!

The bank is back on its feet but every man in that hall is trying to steal a glimpse at this tall dark almost naked woman! Even the old men had their tongues out!

THIS NEXT PART IS THE FUNNIEST BIT!

OUR model’s phone rings!!!! HAHA! and her ring tone, “AKISEMA ATAKUBARIKI, HAKUNA ATAKAY ZUIA, KWANI YEYE NDIYE MUNGU something something  something!”

The phone couldn’t stop ringing and she couldn’t find it in her huge bag… She gave up on finding it and posed and let it ring… I laughed so loudly the guard asked me to leave the bank!!!

 

 
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Posted by on March 12, 2012 in comedy, sex, women tales

 

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