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HOW TO GET FREE FUEL FROM SHELL


Dear Doris,

I love big women. Big light skinned women. Big light skinned with long lustrous hair… And small feet. Not just any small feet, I love number 5 feet with short fat toes. I love big light skinned small ‘feeted’ intelligent women… Funny women. That is why I love you… And that is why I will never stop loving you! Because you are big and light skinned, and intelligent, and you have long hair and you have tiny feet with short fat toes!

The following takes place between 9am and 10am today! August 1st! Events occur in real time!

Read the paragraph above in Kiefer Sutherland’s voice! Then imagine a clock ticking…

I am not a morning person! Only millionaires and billionaires are morning people. Mornings are not for the suffering like me! If I am up early it is because I absolutely have to or I have been threatened that I will be fired if I didn’t show up at 8am… Outside of those two scenarios, I prefer to wake up at 8am and be at the office by 9:30am. That way I get to listen to Quarter After Laughter on Xfm at 9:15am (Do not look at me like that! I make up by working late… I am a night person! I get super creative and intelligent after 8pm!)

I had just driven out of the gate at about 9am and was thinking about a text the house help had just sent me reminding me to buy Harpic when a cousin, @ongalok calls!

“Where are you?” he asked with maximum urgency in his voice.

I found Doris on the Google...

I found Doris on the Google…

People who call in the morning with maximum urgency in their voices at that time of the morning are either delivering catastrophic news or extremely good news. No one ever calls at 9am just to be nice. Nothing like, “Ian go out and have fun and stay young!” or “I feel like sending you money on Mpesa today, can I?” It is always,”The cheque has bounced!” or “You are late for the meeting!” or “Tuma peas ya Harpic!” or “Come pick the cheque!”

Where was I with this?

Yes, @ongalok calls and says Shell Mbarathi is giving out free fuel!

“They Almost filled my tank!” he emphasises! (filling the tank was an exaggeration as you will later learn) This was one of the extremely good news ones!

I work in Spring Valley and my route is Uhuru Highway through Waiyaki Way to Westlands Roundabout then through Lower Kabete Road… Exactly 8.7 Kilometres! That is 250 bob worth of fuel or 300 with slight traffic! You need to be very good in math to survive in this Nairobi!

So back to the call!

I totally lose interest in getting to the office in time and join Mbagathi Way. My fuel light was bright and confident, so I fuelled at the Madaraka Shell for 500/-. A yellow Shell sticker is smacked on the ass of my car and I am told I will need it to get free fuel.

Shem Shem, calls me just before I leave Shell Madaraka and asks me to bring her a sticker. She was almost at Shell Mbagathi but she didn’t have a ‘free fuel’ sticker!

With free fuel on my mind and extra ‘free fuel’ sticker I set off.

Shem Shem is getting really worried because she is getting really close to Shell but she still doesn’t have her ‘free fuel’ sticker. There is absolutely nothing I can do about it because I think @ongalok had told everyone in Nairobi! The traffic on Mbarathi way was grim! And almost all the cars in front of me had a yellow ‘free fuel’ sticker! It was safe to say Shem Shem was screwed!

My fuel light starts blinking at Umash Funeral Home! Hehehe. Do they take dead cars? Thats not even a funny joke and I am sorry!

Just at Umash I switch to Capital FM for updates on this free fuel maneno! I learn that they ar only giving 1000 free fuel! ALL THE HUSTLE FOR 1000 FREE FUEL! And only for the first 300 cars! Motorbikes included… I could see like 5,000 cars in front of meall bearing yellow stickers!

I gave up! But I had to deliver Shem Shem’s sticker!

I find her at the Shell entrance but I can’t give it to her. I have to go Ngumo to get parking then come back on foot… This was impossible because the whole place had stopped because of the free fuel!

Shem Shem is blowing my phone!

I park at a random bus stage and run to Shem Shem holding the yellow ‘free fuel’ sticker!

I get into a bit of trouble because a security guard thought I was being cheeky trying to re-redeem my sticker. He held me by the shoulder so hard I almost shit my pants. I am so fragile and cute if you hold me hard at my shoulders I can shit my pants!

I explain myself and he lets go of my scapula! The fuel station was like blankets and wine… Soon many cars and so many familiar faces.

As Shem Shem gets her free fuel, I run back to Esmeralda and drive to the office! Esmeralda is my car! I drive up Mbagathi Way, through Woodlands Road, through Kileleshwa, through Westlands Roundabout, through Lower Kabete Road… That is 10 kilometres… 350 bob worth of fuel!

I get to the office late, tired and without free fuel with a huge hello sticker smack at the centre of Esmeralda’s ass!

 

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8 Comments

Posted by on August 1, 2014 in big beautiful women, my car, random

 

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Masaku 7s Sex Video


Dear Doris,

I have to write this really quickly! I do not have much time.

You were in my dreams last night. It was so vivid I could smell you. In the dream you did not say a single word! You did not smile or laugh. You stood right at the centre of my living room in a pink dress and no shoes. The wind would blow into the house, vigorously sending the curtains off the railings. Your hair danced to the wind. You were looking straight into my eyes. You just stood there. But you were not there when I woke up in the morning. A coffee table stood erect where you stood in my dream. The windows were closed and the curtains intact.

If you seriously think this has anything to do with Masaku 7’s then I strongly advise you stop reading here and go back to work or back to whatever you were doing before! But you can read on, I promise is is a good story!

My story is set at Oil Libya Westlands. The date is July 1st 2014 and the time is 9:55pm.

I was at Oil Libya buying pizza. If you buy a pizza from Pizza Inn on Tuesdays, you get another one for free. And this is what I was gunning for. I was also there to buy muffins!

A picture I got online when I googled Masaku 7s

A picture I got online when I Googled Masaku 7s

I walk up to the counter that was not as crowded as I had expected. Two Arabs were ahead of me. Lovers! I knew because of how the Arab man was holding the Arab woman’s waist. The Arab woman was tiny. She was pretty. She would tilt her head backwards every now and then so it would lie on the Arab man’s chest. They would look each other in the eye and burst out into indecent giggles. If the lights would go off at that moment and everyone absent, they would have probably had sex right there on the floor! I was sick from the sight of them. This is because Nairobi temperatures as low as 12* and I was standing right there, freezing my tiny ass off knowing very well I was going home to a pair of cold sheets and two pairs of cold pillows and a duvet that was purposeless and no Arab woman to share body heat with and yet these two were here having sex in their minds! I was utterly jealous! Yes I said it! I wanted an Arab woman who could put her head on my chest also!

But that is not my story! After the short dark lady behind the counter told me to wait 8 minutes, I walked to the mini shop to get my muffins then I sat at a table where I could not see two Arabs. We were separated by two magazine racks. But I could still hear them laugh! It ripped me apart!

In the midst of all this pandemonium of emotions, a guard walks in holding a white board with a number plate written on it! Normally this happens when a car that needs to leave has been blocked by another car! I couldn’t remember blocking anyone so I was least bothered by the limping guard! The whole place had less than 10 people so when no one got up to go ‘unblock’ whoever, I suspected I was the one blocking! I am blind so I could not see the writings on the board. I walked up to the guard and saw my plate number. I got out and moved my car to a different spot then went back in to wait for my pizzas. Please stay with me because this story is about to hit the roof!

I walked to my car with my pizzas and muffins. Thing is I was at the spot I had packed before I moved the car. And the craziest coincidence is, the car that was parked there was exactly like my own. The make. The colour. The everything!

Without being bothered, I got me keys out and opened the door (PLEASE BE ADVISED THAT I STILL HAVEN’T REALIZED THAT THIS IS NOT MY CAR) I put the pizzas and muffins on the co drivers seat that looked darker than usual. I stuck my keys into the ignition and the car burst out into a soft roar!

Shit hit me when I tried changing gears. The car was an automatic! Mine is a manual! At that point, I think, I vomited a little in my mouth! Everything was spinning so fast like I was drunk!

Hanging on my rear view mirror are two orange tiny sandals. This particular car had a tiny perfumed bottle. I looked at the back seat just to confirm my horrors. My back seat has a brown trench coat, my laptop bag, a leather folder and a burgundy woolen scarf! The car I was in had nothing at all on the back seat!

I turned the car off and looked out my window, the Arab couple were standing there, looking at me, the woman holding two pizza boxes!

My car has really dark tinted windows and for a man with my eyesight, it is almost impossible to see outside… But I could see these two so clearly! Tint free windows!

I slowly got out of the car and shut the door behind me! My plan was to start by apologizing and point at my car! But I just stood there. I could not move a single muscle. Do you remember when you were in primary school and you were called into the head teacher’s office because you were hitting mangoes with stones? You know that temporary paralysis that is ignited by absolute fear? I was there rooted on the spot! Trying to figure out how my car keys opened another car (second time this has happened)!

“Are you a car thief?” The Arab man asked! The ringing in my head was so loud I did not hear what he said… I read his lips.

The guy was bigger than me. Way bigger than I was. With one shove, he sent me on the ground! I sat on the ground leaning on my car’s doppelgänger! The woman looked at me and sneered! The man got his phone out and said he was calling the cops to teach me a lesson! A small crowd had formed around me at this time. This was because the Arab man had called a taxi guy loudly saying he had caught a car thief.

I cannot remember what was going through my mind at that time! I am not even sure if anything went through my mind!

The Arab guy was on the phone speaking at the top of his voice, like his phone was a mile away! He spoke in ‘Arab’! But after every minute or so, he would say, ‘tumemshika!’ If I had anything at all in my bladder, I would have let it out at this point!

When my paralysis finally wore off, I tried to explain that my car was at the far end of the parking lot and looked exactly like this one!

“Si mara ya kwanza wameiba gari hapa!” The guard who had the board earlier said! The crowd was getting bigger and fast! I plan to die of old age in a ranch somewhere in Wales, owning 1000 sheep and 400 horses and a few luxury cars… Not at a petrol station by mob justice in Nairobi! But at that moment, dying at a petrol station in Nairobi was more realistic!

I give the Arab man my keys and point at my car and tell him to go try opening it!

My car does not have that, ‘chwi chwi’ alarm thing for opening cars. It is manual. You have to stick your key in and twist! And sometimes, i jams! And this time, the only time I needed it not to jam, it jammed! The Arab man comes back really mad!

“Haifungui! Wanichezea?!” He asks. I ask him to give it to me so I do it by myself! He throws the keys at me and I walk to the car. The whole crowd follows me!

The guy had tried to open the door so hard that he had bent my keys!

I put the key in… Then twisted.. Nothing!

My car is called Esmeralda, and sometimes when I talk to her, she listens. I took the keys out… Took a deep breath… Then in my head, “Behave Esmeralda!”

Like an obidient child… It listened…

“Ni master-key!” Someone from the crowd shouted!

“Tutajuaje ni gari yako?” Another person said! Niggaz were hungry for my blood!

I explained that my backseat had a trench coat, a burgundy scarf, a leather folder and a laptop bag. I told the Arab guy to take out my laptop and he would see my name when he opened it! I showed him my ID beforehand as proof that I am Ian Arunga!

The Arab guy got into my bag and threw things all over the place. My Apple magic mouse dropped on the cemented lot. MY APPLE MAGIC MOUSE!!!

The guy yanks out my laptop and opens it! ‘Ian Sketch’!

He throws the computer on my back seat like it was a free product.

“Ako sawa!” He says and walks to his car. I follow him!

“Pizza zangu!?” I order! He hands me my things and I walk back to my car! Everyone is looking at me funny! The whole place had come to a standstill.

On my way home, while listening to the ‘Ligi Soo Remix’ by Rabbit I had downloaded earlier in the day (which is extremely cool with multiple crazy punchlines) my grandfather calls and tells me my uncle Dr. Okoth from Karabondi is dead! I have no clue who Dr. Okoth is!

“The early bird catches the worm, I am way ahead, ukianza kuamka mi nimeanza ku-deworm!” Wangechi (Ligi Sooo Remix)

Happy Birthday Jennifer (@hiuko)

 

 

 
37 Comments

Posted by on July 2, 2014 in near death, sex

 

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JUST GOT BACK FROM THE UK!


My Lovely Woman,

As I type this my mother is shouting my name to go down stairs for devotion… This is not normal because it is 9:30pm… You know too well this is a dawn affair! I am going to go down stairs and find out what is going on… Do not go anywhere…

Just came back up after like an hour.. Nothing serious! Asante Mungu!

Moving right along!

I am running out of things to write to you about! I have been staring at the blinking cursor for almost 10 minutes now! My days were full of drama… Intense drama… At some point in my life I was almost killed by a mob in the middle of town… At another point my brother and I towed a scooter half-way across town… At another point I was running away from the City Council askaris… I have since figured why this is so… I bought a car! All the drama was in the matatus cetaris pharibas. I am sure I spelt that wrong! Its not even supposed to be there!

Please be advised that I am going to milk that point until there is absolutely nothing left… That is me buying a car! I love the way that statement plays on my tongue… That one and, ‘when I was working in the UK’

I still pull that one one and a half years later! EVERYONE who asks me where I have been gets the line smack on their faces! I make it sound like I have just come from the airport… The other day I met one of my childhood friends at the Westlands Oil Libya mini mart! She was buying cigarettes! I was buying gum… The traffic was insane and I was tired of balancing pedals…

“Hi Patricia*” I said with absolute uncertainty because the ass she wielded was not the ass she had  15 years ago… And her mammary glands were, well, mammary glands! These were completely new!

“Ian?” she responded and quickly put her cigarettes in her hand bag like she was hiding them… Clearly forgetting we were not 10 anymore! I smiled!

“Yup!” I answer!

I was wearing my best shirt and shoes so I was sure I was on top of my game!

“Happy new year!” I continue! My father says that a lot so it comes to my head naturally!

She laughs

“You are still funny!” She makes a pass at me…

15 years ago she would’nt have looked at me once let alone make a pass at me… I was the tall skinny kid with shorts that barely covered my thighs while she was that rich spoilt child whose dad and mum lived in Nairobi… We were in Kisumu, so Nairobi was a big deal! Yeah… I said it!

“haha!” I laugh with absolutely nothing to tell this woman!

“So where have you been all this while?” She asks… She woke up the monster! I have this conversation all planned out!!! AL PLANNED FUCKIN’ OUT!

“Nowhere interesting! Been working in the UK. Just came back! Where have you been?” I answer like I was there from 1997! Be advised that I was there for less than 2 months!

Did you notice what I did with my answer? I answered and bounced the question back to her like ‘been working in the UK’ was not that big! HAHAHAHA!

“Wow! What do you do?” She asks… Here is where I was sure I had her by the balls… I am this middle aged, attractive young man who is doing well… Trust me… That is evident from my shirt!

To her question, ‘what do you do?’ I normally answer, “I am a graphic designer!” But when I notice the awe in your eyes by how well you think I am doing… I go like, “I am an artist!” hahahahah! Which I am! I just looking like I earn loads of money from not doing much… I do not by the way… So wipe that look off your face!

‘Ongoro’ – Here I showered for four years straight… I am not in the picture so stop trying to find me!

We are now walking out of the mini mart… Talking about the past! She is walking towards the bus stop and I have to stop her…

“I am parked the other side!” BAZINGA! The little things that excite me…

“Oh, ok!” She answers…

“Where are you headed? Maybe I can…” I start… She doesnt let me finish…

“Town!” She says… “You?” She asks…

“Kileleshwa!” I answer like I own a house in that area…

“You live in Kile?” She asks.

“Yup”, I answer! Intentionally forgetting to mention that I live in my parents house…

We part ways… I leave this woman with such skewed information… I feel bad inside for a little bit… Then it hits me I did not tell a single lie… I put on my aviators and speed off… IN MY CAR!

 
18 Comments

Posted by on October 18, 2012 in barding tales, comedy, women tales

 

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DATES THAT ARE BLIND…


My Love,

I have a meeting in 4 minutes so this will be a very short letter.I know I shouldnt put work before us but Babe, if I don’t where will you sleep and eat and laugh… Definitely not the streets because that is where we will be headed if the two constants are inverted…

Moving on… Have ever been on a blind date?

I still remember how we met… On that cruise ship… The wind blowing through your jet black hair… Remember?

But this is not about us…

A few years back before I met you I decided to go on a blind date…

P.S – BLIND DATE MIGHT GO TERRIBLY RIGHT OR TERRIBLY WRONG!!! Mine went both ways!! I will explain!

I meet this chic on Facebook Chat (typical)! She is commenting on all my pictures and art work posted on my profile… I SHOULD HAVE NOTICED THIS psychotic behavior…

We talk for a while… a week or so… We have a lot in common… She is into art and loves the smell of rosemary and cooks well… ALL OF WHICH WAS DISCUSSED ON FB CHAT!!

Did I mention that she didn’t have a profile picture??!! Ok, she had a profile picture but it was of a Mustang GT… THIS SHOULD HAVE BEEN A SIGN!!! I wasnt even sure if I was talking to a woman!!

So like a normal human-being I ask if we can meet up for coffee… She is a bit hesitant at first…

“sawa sawa… Wapi?” she asks… “your favorite joint, Savannah…”  (she had mentioned that this was her fav  place in the world)!

“Where is it?” she bluntly ask….

I thought it was a joke… so i ignore it completely and give her directions!

p.s THERE WAS ONLY ONE SAVANNAH JOINT AT THIS TIME!

I leave work early and I am at Savannah by 4… We were supposed to meet at 5:30pm!

I came early to asses… Asses the blind date as she walks to my table… which is probably the furthest from the door! I learnt this from the movie CATS…

SO! Sipping on my black coffee, Lisa* calls…

She is here… WAITING FOR ME OUTSIDE!!!

HAHAHAHA!!! Something was extremely wrong!!!

“come in, I am seated on your right when you get in…” I say with the patience of an Arunga!

“we kuja unichukuwe!!!” she spits… almost annoyed!!

THERE WAS NO WAY IN HELL THIS WAS GOING TO WORK!!

I get up and walk towards the entrance… On my way I meet an uncle of mine who I always tell how BAD A PLAYA I am… HE asks what I am doing ‘here’ alone… I say I am meeting someone and give a ‘WINNING’ wink!! That was probably the biggest mistake I have made in my life!! My PLAYA status was about to be tarnished!

I walk out and three women are standing at the entrance… two of which are extremely beautiful… The third one was facing the opposite direction so I couldn’t tell.

I say a short quick prayer…

“Dear Lord let Lisa be the sexy one in the yellow sun dress…”

Ladies and gentlemen… GOD DOESNT ANSWER YES TO ALL PRAYERS!!

“Ian?” the OTHER chic calls out… So it wasnt the two beautiful ones!!

This one was a tad dark… Shes wasnt ati pretty… She was carrying a massive white handbag… and had a weave that was going to fall of with the slightest gust of wind!! She had a faded yellow vest and SKY BLUE jeans… She managed to put everything I don’t like on a woman in one outfit!!

BUT I WAS WILLING TO KNOW HER…

WE walk in… I IGNORE MY UNCLE COMPLETELY!!

We get talking…

She orders for ‘CHAI’!! HAHAHA! I almost laughed!! BUT CHAI WAS ON THE  MENU FOR REAL!!!

Chai comes and she can’t use the fancy sugar thingis… She pours the sugar all over herself…

This was getting a bit embarrassing!!

“so what do you do?” I ask…

“packages!’ SHe answers with the confidence of Samson!

WHAT THE HELL IS PACKAGES?!!! (ok I know what it is but COME OOOONNNNN!!)

She is talking at the top of her voice…

So I stop asking questions…. THIS WAS ANOTHER BIG MISTAKE!!! coz she starts telling her story!!

“so where do you live?” I ask to make her stop talking…

“OBANGO!!” again like Samson!!

WHERE THE HELL IS OBANGO??!

“where is that?” I ask politely…

“SAO!!” she answers and signals the waiter!!!

I WAS SCARED!!!

The waiter comes up and she order for another chai…

“sao?” I ask… feeling stupid!!

“haujui kariobangi south!!?” she ask in shock… STILL AT THE TOP OF HER VOICE!!

Everyone around is looking at us funny…

THIS DATE WAS NOT GOING ANYWHERE…

“I have to leave coz I have a meeting at 6 back in Westlands!” I lie…

“Usiwe hivyo…” she utters!

She finishes her second cup of chai in record 2 minutes then we leave!!

She asks me to take her to her stage to catch a bus home…

I hesitated… But I am a gentleman!

HER STAGE IS IN MUTHURWA!!!!! WHAT THE SEX!

She gets on a bus and waves frantically as I walk away…

p.s – DID I TELL YOU MY UNCLE ALMOST PISSED HIS PANTS LAUGHING!!!?

That was the last time I ever saw Lisa*…

Happy Birthday @ndinda_ this ones for you 🙂

 
17 Comments

Posted by on November 17, 2011 in comedy, women tales

 

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