FOR bikozulu

14 Nov

Dear bikozulu,

You are looking for a guy to design a logo for your blog. I am not the guy you are looking for. If the guy you are looking for is what you described here, then I am farthest from it!

This is why… I oiled my elbows this morning and I always do (your guy doesn’t). ALWAYS here being since class 7 when my desk mate, Rachel, told me my elbows are the ashiest pair she had ever seen, and ‘girls do not like ashy elbows’ … And I like girls!

I am 6’2” with porcelain dark skin and long feet. My hair is short, almost bald. I go to my barber every Friday and I always make my bed. I sprayed some deo on and lotioned my whole body accordingly. This porcelain skin is high maintenance.  I always wear dress pants and a shirt to work (I just stopped wearing slim ties to work just the other day)… My shirt is always tucked in and belt fastened. I can’t stand sagging pants. I believe that if the probability of you waking up in a new $2.4M car (and not knowing how you got there) is zero then you have no business sagging your pants.

I own one pair of jeans… ONE! I wear them on Saturdays. I live in Madaraka, not Langata or Thika road! The closest I have come to living on Thika Road was an almost daily trip to USIU to see my then girlfriend.

My apartment has excess parking! EXCESS! This is evident from the multiple ‘visiting’ cars that you see Saturday night/Sunday morning. Plus my household has multiple cars that all have their own spots.

The last time I took a jav to work was because I was looking for a story for my Doris… I never have headphones or earphones on. My eyesight is terrible and my hearing is vital for my locomotion!

My laptop bag is a Gili genuine leather messenger bag (not a backpack) and my current job is not my first one… Or second… Or third! My first job was a sales and marketing gig *promoting* Blue Band Choco and it lasted two weeks. A girl I liked at the time walked into the supermarket I was posted in and there was no way I was going to let her see me in a yellow BB t-shirt holding a margarine tin. I would die! Oh my heavens I would surely die! My ego would have never let me be seen that day! I lost my job because I left my outlet before ‘hometime.’

I am not 23 and my MacBook Pro has one sticker that I designed (It is of Eve holding the lighting ‘Apple’ and a snake looking at her – genius huh?). I have just over 2,000 followers on Twitter and about 20 unread messages on Facebook (If you count the Dear Doris Facebook page ones). You got me on this next part though. About DMing chics for a ka-plan. Guilty! I am single and I have a missed call from my brother that I really need to return.

I do not drink in town, the last time I did that, well, that is a Dear Doris letter. I drink Heineken, not Tusker and I am a lover of single malt whiskey! I do not smoke! Pictures of me smoking exist online though… PHOTOSHOP!

My mtumba guy is a 7 foot motor mouth Luo man called Ojal! From Sunbeam. He knows my measurements off head! That sounds wrong! Great guy, ask for him next time you are in Sunbeam. He might force a paisley shirt on you though… He loves paisley. He seems to believe paisley will save humanity.

My handwriting is beautiful… Spot on Biko! Spot on! It is that or all these people I write letters to lie to me so I can keep writing. I still write letters… Paper, envelope, post office etc. If you have been wondering how Posta Kenya is still afloat, now you know. I am not a football fan. I have never watched a football game to the end! I am an Arsenal fan though. I have no clue who plays for the team currently! I am still stuck on the days Thierry Henry was the team’s striker and Ashley Cole was in defence. And Silverman in mid… Was there a Silverman? I was in form two!

I read your blog sometimes, I like it, and I am a book lover. I even work for a publishing company! I have written four books for children that were approved by KICD for the Kenyan school curriculum (I had to fit that in)… And I design billboards. 

HAHA! And Magunga Williams sent Me an inbox on Facebook tha you were looking for me! Magush, did you read the piece?

I am that fashionably dressed, ‘established graphic designer’ you are tired of! I do not have a moody grin though, this smile is genuine!

And that is that… I am not the man you have described, but I decided to try coming up with a logo for your blog either way.

The logo I have designed is of a red canvas shoe with it’s shoelace tangled out spelling out ‘bikozulu’. I think it is pretty rad!

I chose this design entirely from what I see you blog as and what you have described it as… A Relaxed Space, sexy, suave and urbane… (among the other adjectives you used). Do you know how relaxing and comfortable canvas shoes are? You can run in them… You can wear them to the club… You can wear them with a suit… You can wait tables in them… You can wear them everywhere… They are comfortable and they look good! Thus the design! The tangled shoe string is to signify what lies behind the comfort – It is never smooth all the way right? And the red is just for drama… PLUS what says KICK ASS better than a shoe :D?!

I am trained to go on and on explaining elements used in a logo and I can go four more paragraphs but I will stop here and let the logo speak for itself.


That Dear Doris Guy.

**Edited by @Owahh because I can’t spell to save my life**



Posted by on November 14, 2014 in comedy


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7 responses to “FOR bikozulu

  1. Ateng'a Julius

    November 14, 2014 at 11:09 pm

    this is awesome, Biko should buy this a milli times

  2. marcusolang

    November 15, 2014 at 7:32 am

    Bwana Arunga, you are that incredibly cool and sharp Dear Doris guy.

  3. cindy

    November 15, 2014 at 9:39 pm

    bwana biko Zulu (with a luo accent) you cant ignore this guy I love the logo Ian forever and always you re the main guy

  4. abuamirah

    November 15, 2014 at 10:40 pm

    wow, Ian, you were a BB ‘salesman’? yeah, those blue and yellow uniforms are yuck, they are like sth from a primary schoool deep in shagz!

  5. mihas

    November 17, 2014 at 11:06 am

    I love it.

  6. D.od

    November 17, 2014 at 11:57 am

    that logo is definitely on point! If he doesn’t pick it, I hope he atleast gives it a runner’s up title.. I love it and as usual, love this post cuz:)

  7. mmnjug

    November 20, 2014 at 9:02 pm

    Hoping your logo was accepted…. Nice profile you’ve done there.


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