MH370 BLACKBOX FOUND!

My Doris,

My beautiful Doris, I love you without knowing how I am doing it! I find myself loving you with every myogenic muscle of my heart… I do not know when I am loving you… I have no clue how not loving you feels… I do not fathom how these floods of emotions get to me! Honestly speaking… From the bottom of my heart… I have no clue how not to love you… Come to me and let me smother you with love!

I write to you because I have missed you… With every word I write I imagine the reaction engulfing your face with every word you read… I want you to get more and more excited with every single paragraph… To get excited to the point where you have to stop and catch your breath at some point… But a part of me tells me you didn’t even tear open the envelope!

I was thinking about what to write about this morning… And like most times, I had nothing! Until I remembered BOOTLEGGERS!

Bootleggers is a club in Kisumu. Can you already feel the adrenaline? Ok, maybe not! After driving around Kisumu one Thursday night we decided to try out Bootleggers before we completely gave up on the dead Thursday night scene Kisumu offers! It is quite evident ‘Bendover Thursdays’ didn’t spill out of Nairobi and to the shores of Nam Lolwe…

On that particular night, Kisumu was completely asleep… Except for the random guy riding his bicycle in the dead of the night carrying a large woman who had her hands round him like he had jut promised her the world… I know the woman was very close to the man. Ignoring completely the way she dangerously embraced the man, her left cheek was errorlessly laid upon the rider’s back! Like she was asleep… She finally gets to lay her head on her lover after a long day at the Oile Market! The mud guard of the bicycle written poetically, ‘Mapenzi bila jaso’ The perfect love story.

We get to Bootleggers and it felt like it was on a different time zone! The place was pregnant with human beings uncontrollably pouring out of the tiny entrance… Young slender girls wearing tiny white shorts and knee-high boots and cowboy hats had tequila bottles in holsters around their waists. I see these ones everywhere! Whose idea was this?

We get in and the place was wild…

Let me explain, Nairobi women dance… But Kisumu women GET DOWN!!! And it is alllll of them! It was like walking into a shoal of dancers! A few steps into the club and there, right there, on the floor, was a woman dancing on her hands, being wheelbarrowed by a dreadlocked man in red Timberland boots… Not too far from her was another woman atop the shoulders of another man… I am just trying to say that the place was a zoo…

The DJ was a wide Luo man definitely of Jamaican decent or wished so hard to be… He uttered meaningless words that got the crowd soooo pumped up! He would go like, “Anadi quagmaya, an di dimpling… And di boombooclat rasta… PWOOO PWOOO!” And the crowd would go like, “PWWWOO PWWOOO!”

All of us get a table right in the middle of all the conundrum. Every now and then an ass would hit my head… I wouldn’t complain though!

Totally out of topic: There is a breed of women in wielding big buttocks called ‘Socialites’. If whoever knighted them would by any chance travel to Nyanza, a huge ass percentage would automatically be knighted as such… See what I did there? huge ass percentage? Oh forget it!

Back to my tale!

I notice two women seated at the bar… One large and the other almost half her size. They were extremely conspicuous! Everyone was vigorously dancing, a calm should would stand out like the devil in a cloud of angels!

Let me explain my dilemma… I like big women but the small woman was wayyyy prettier! I am blind, so before I make a move I decide to take a wing-man with me.

We walk to the women and my wingman quickly picks the big girl, which I had no problem with… Let me explain why!

The big girl was ‘big’ which gave her like 44%. But that was it. She wore an avocado green blouse… I hate everything to do with avocados! She was wearing those denim pants with rips across the thighs. And because she was really big, she poured out of them. It didn’t look nice… I like neat and rips do not excite me! Then she could not shut the hell up… For a human being who speaks from the top of her lungs, it was the last trait I expected. Imagine a woman who talks REALLLY LOUD… NON STOP! Then last but definitely not least, she had a mole under her chin that could set off a metal detector!

The tiny one on the other hand was quiet… She wore a white vest and an Ankara pencil skirt… At least some art in her! She covered her shoulders with her black jacket… She hadn’t worn the jacket… She just placed it on her shoulders… So divine! She had her arms crossed which is a terrible sign…

I get her talking. In half an hour, I learn she is a farmer (WHICH WAS TOTAL BOLLOCKS BECAUSE HER EQUITY BANK NAME TAG WAS STILL ROUND HER EFIN NECK) But then again she might have been… She farms strawberries…. (TOTAL EFIN BOLLOCKS) or maybe she did! She is drinking white wine. Drinking white wine like it is Dextrosalt! She had 3 glasses in half an hour… Good thing is I got here laughing! Marilyn Monroe says, “If you can make a girl laugh, you can make her do anything!”, so I go for the total clown… The harder she laughs the closer I am yes?

Maybe this is how the Strawberry Farmer saw me in there!

Wait! Did I mention I had chicken tikka for dinner on that day? And I am totally lactose intolerant? And chicken tikka has like loads of yoghurt? Well, if not then this here is the twist!

My tummy at this moment is rumbling out of control and it was getting hard to differentiate the need to pee and the dire need to shit! That is when you know shits hitting the fan!

I excuse myself… I am in the toilet… I have my projectile pointed at the urinal but I am scared to piss… Because I feel things move inside me withe the slightest release of my bladdular muscles! Taking a piss was risking way too much… So I decide to do it… Take a shit in the club… NEVER TAKE A SHIT IN THE CLUB!!!

I take like 5 minutes immaculately layering tissue paper on the toilet seat because no one knows what diseases lurk on that clay… You might catch a cold… Or worse, a cough!

I am seated doing my thing… Going through Instagram on my phone… My small bro comes to check on me because I told him I had a bad tummy…

Then guess what…

Wait: Did I mention the toilet doesn’t have a lock!? If not then here is a twist…

The door flung open almost sending it off its hinges and there stood The Strawberry Farmer! Looking straight into my innocent eyes… She stood there for a second, which is a second too long for this particular situation… And she got in right in the middle of a good push… My life, as I knew it then, was finished!

The farmer does not even apologise!

I stay food a bit longer… My almost full Heineken is erect next to her glass of wine… I was torn between getting that one and buying a new one…

Life as we know it, is really short… People have to take risks… So I go and take my beer… The farmer wouldn’t even look at me… Like instead of shitting, she coughs strawberries…

I think I really shocked her… But then again, what was she doing in the men’s? Oh shit… Was she a man?

I am sorry about the title. How else would I have gotten your attention?!

P.S: Have you voted for Dear Doris for Blog Awards Kenya today? Dear Doris was nominated for Best Creative Blog & Best Blog of the Year 2014. Please vote for me us here: http://www.blogawards.co.ke

 

BEDBUGS AND SEX

My Lovely Doris,

Woman, so experts say I have to write to you more often to stand a chance winning this thing at all… Tricky bit is, I have to be riddled with misfortunes to make this happen… I never have flowery stories that are full of love, cars and money and chapati to write…

How are you my love? A little birdy told me you are having pains on our thigh… I hope you are alright now. Why are you having pains on your thigh? Is it another man my love… Do your thighs hurt from the… You know what, forget it… I do not have much to say today, but I will say it either way!

As I write this, two of my colleagues are arguing about man visiting Mars… It is funny!

Because nothing dramatic has happened to me since my last letter, I will have to dig something from the past… And what greater period exists than Barding? If you have been reading this blog you definitely know Barding… This is the high school I went to… A forest and a great hill away from Kogelo… That is far… No water or electricity with bedbugs the size of a medium sized Dell mouse! Ok I am lying about the size of the bedbugs, they might have been a bit bigger! This letter is not about the school though, you can read more under the Barding Tales category.

I think I was in form three and we had just gone for an outing… In the middle of Luo land we called them outings… Not funkees… Did I even spell that right?! An outing was exactly what the name depicts, a day out of the penitentiary! We didn’t have a bus, so the school hired a van… This made more that 20 people leave the school at the same time a bit tricky… The school could afford only one van at a time… UNLESS the team being sent out was extremely promising…

Where was I? Yes, outing!

We had gone to Ng’iya girls, which was absolute heaven really… The smartest girls in the district! Smart and pretty… Naive teenage girls running all over the place in blue skirts and white shirts. Giggling like piglets… Some donning magnificent red sweaters… Whats that bird that shows off its red chest when ready for mating? Yes…

We had gone for a basketball tournament! Not with the girls… With boy schools from the region… Our school was not the best basketball team in the area though… I think we lost every game we played that day! In fact I am sute we lost every game we played! This is not the best for one’s PR, considering one had to mingle after the games… Failure is never good for PR! If you add the fact that back at school, water is scarce and might have skived bathing… Well, you can tell where that is going!

RANDOM FACT: BARDING WAS 55th IN THE 2013 KCSE EXAMS! Ululation!

The games are done… I change into uniform (green trousers, blue shirt, green tie, green sweater and black shoes) I think I looked way better in this that lime green basketball jersey with brilliant red stripes on the side!

In my smart casual wear, I scan the grounds for potential candidates… I am looking for light skin (shows dirt easy), big bones (they have big hearts), long hair, short nails, probably holding a book (plus points if it is Abott Physics), donning a wrist watch (a woman who takes her time very seriously), and in sandals (Bata slippers – i like feet. Plus point if they are red to match her sweater! Blue skirt and blue Bata slippers is just too much blue!)

This was taken on the exact day this happened… Can you see Ng’iya girls in blue skirts at the back? Can you see me seated… Stressed? Then can you see the girl on the top right? Soooo funny!

It is near impossible to find all these in a woman… I mean girl… So I end up going for the one with most checked boxes!

She is easily the lightest girl in the school, tall and pretty. She was a Mwarabu… She was intelligent… How did I know you ask… Well, like I have said before, there is something intelligence does to a face… It can’t be explained but THERE IS SOMETHING! Her Mwarabu hair was long and lustrous, dark brown and played on her back in brilliant curls. She was not big boned though… But who cares?! Her arms were tiny and her body matched. She had a wrist watch and held a novel… Can’t remember the title… She was the candidate! Her toes sat prettily in Bata slippers… SHE WAS DEFINITELY THE POTENTIAL CANDIDATE…

The hour was late and we were almost being called to get into the van back to Barding so your game had to be short and calculated… She had a wrist watch so she should was able to understand how critical time was… Here is how to be short and precise… You have to be extremely disciplined. You have to make her have you on her mind as often as possible… ONE: Introduce yourself (My english has always been impeccable so this part was a walk in the park). TWO: Compliment (Tell her how extremely pretty you think she is… Look into her eyes… Women tend to think you are being honest when you look into their eyes (-: ). THREE: Fast Forward conversation (Tell her how you would have loved to stay and chat for longer… Tell her next time you will make more time… Then pray y’all are called back to the van) If not, FOUR: Make her laugh! When you get to school, write!

I walk up to her and introduce myself, “Ian is my name, what’s yours?” My heart is pounding so hard at this point I am almost swallowing my lungs!

“I know! Khadija!” She says. This is a thorough set back because I have to ask her how she knows, which IS NOT IN MY PLAN!!! *Khadija might or might not be her real name by the way*

“You do? How now? I will totally understand if it’s from all the fame we have gained from losing all our games today?” I say… The next sentence already cooking in my head… She giggles… SHE GIGGLES! Khadija is giggling… I do multiple somersaults in my head… complete with a split!

At this moment, I can see Barding boys running towards the van… Which was good for business…

“You are famous…” she started but she never got to finish her statement… Something made her stop talking… Her Mwarabu big eyes reduced to judging slits!

I notice her eyes dart to my collar then back to my eyes… It was so fast I almost missed it… You know when you are talking to someone and there’s something wrong with a part of their face and your eyes keep darting to that part… EXACTLY! Then she did it again… I caught her line of vision this time…

TO MY FUCKIN’ HORROR! I caught sight of a very courageous bedbug stroll out of the fold of my collar… I tried flicking the thing and missed… Now, bedbugs are very fast even faster when their lives are in danger… The thing scampered with unbelievable speed and got into my shirt through a button hole…

If you are waiting to hear what happened with Khadija then you have no idea how big a bedbug is… I lost myself going for that insect that I didn’t notice Khadija walk away! Fast…

Now, that darn bedbug set me back a few quantums back but I got Khadija… Took like a year!

Have you voted for Dear Doris? Well ton on now… Click on the image to take you to the voting site.

 

 

OPEN LETTER TO ADELE LAURIE BLUE ADKINS

Dear Adele,

This blog was meant for letters to my one and only love Doris. Do not get this wrong. You are being addressed on stolen time… aren’t those always the best?

This might bring a few issues between Doris and myself. I have thought about this move long and hard… I am doing it.

Before I started I googled ‘how to start a love letter’ and out of the 12 pages I looked through, not a single one really brought out what I wanted to say… all of them started with pet names… sweetheart and honey… and my love… and my beautiful… to me you are neither… I would rather address you as ‘my soon to be’… ok I am being a bit psychopathic… Dear Adele did it just fine.

I am sure you haven’t been reading my letters to Doris so you have no idea why I am writing to you… let me brig you up to speed… Walk to the nearest reflecting surface and look at yourself…

You have probably noticed that you are plus sized… this tiny fact (the word play is not intentional) is big… I am completely weak for big women… If I had the kind of money you have… and you had the kind of money I had (which is above average in Kenya)… I would have asked you to marry me… this makes no sense…

Still at that reflective surface? If so, you have probably noticed the hue of your skin… it is more light than dark… yes? Obvious… I love yelo yelo women… you are white… oh my knees tremble… You probably smell like white people… I like how clean white people smell… they smell like shampoo… and lotion… and candles… and soap… and eucalyptus… and jojoba.

This made me laugh a bit…

Your songs are sad… An intern at my office told me yesterday that your ex boyfriend left you for a man… is this why your songs are so sad? You need someone to love you good… a tall black man… who just shaved off his signature beard. By the way I just shaved off my signature beard. The barber did it by mistake… so o refused to pay him…

I love big, intelligent, yelo yelo women with tiny feet… I don’t know about your shoe size but your voice can be substituted with the feet… I like your voice…

Its 1.30am as I write this… I can’t even think straight… and I am doing this on my phone… this is a bit hard because my eyesight is shit… sorry for cussing. So you are aware how serious this is.

I am sorry but I don’t think the lyrics to ‘set fire to the rain’ make sense… the chorus totally loses me… ‘I set fire to the rain… watch it burn… then I touch your face…’ Come on Adele… But worry not… when we ate together we will go through a few songs I have been writing which I think are amazing…

I heard that you found someone and you are married now… (jinx). You have a kid now? This being with you thing is getting slimmer by the paragraph…

I do not want your money though… I have enough of my own… at least till December… then, if we are together that is, we can work some sort of deal out… yes? So us will not be about money… yes? I don’t have much in tangible materials … but in my heart, I have everything!

What beauty!

I am tired and I have an early morning… plus I have to watch Groods before I sleep… so my darling… allow me to pen off… pen off is so high school…

I will write to you again someday… hopefully before December.

I can love you.

Yours.

For @lydzayar its people like you who make me keep writing.

 

Romance…

My Lovely Doris,

Don’t expect me to be sane anymore. Don’t let’s be sensible. I can’t see how I can go on living away from you—these intermissions are death. How did it seem to you when your husband came back? Was I still there? I can’t picture you moving about with him as you did with me. Legs closed. Frailty. Sweet, treacherous acquiescence. Bird docility. You became a woman with me. I was almost terrified by it. You are not just thirty years old—you are a thousand years old.

Here I am back and still smouldering with passion, like wine smoking. Not a passion any longer for flesh, but a complete hunger for you, a devouring hunger. I read the paper about suicides and murders and I understand it all thoroughly. I feel murderous, suicidal. I feel somehow that it is a disgrace to do nothing, to just bide one’s time, to take it philosophically, to be sensible. Where has gone the time when men fought, killed, died for a glove, a glance, etc?

I still hear you singing in the kitchen—a sort of inharmonic, monotonous Cuban wail. I know you’re happy in the kitchen and the meal you’re cooking is the best meal we ever ate together. I know you would scald yourself and not complain. I feel the greatest peace and joy sitting in the dining room listening to you rustling about, your dress like the goddess Indra studded with a thousand eyes.

My lovely Doris, I only thought I loved you before; it was nothing like this certainty that’s in me now. Was all this so wonderful only because it was brief and stolen? Were we acting for each other, to each other? Was I less I, or more I, and you less or more you? Is it madness to believe that this could go on? When and where would the drab moments begin? I study you so much to discover the possible flaws, the weak points, the danger zones. I don’t find them—not any. That means I am in love, blind, blind. To be blind forever!

I picture you playing the records over and over— your husbands records. “Parlez moi d amour.” The double life, double taste, double joy and misery. How you must be furrowed and ploughed by it. I know all that, but I can’t do anything to prevent it. I wish indeed it were me who had to endure it. I know now your eyes are wide open. Certain things you will never believe anymore, certain gestures you will never repeat, certain sorrows, misgivings, you will never again experience. A kind of white criminal fervour in your tenderness and cruelty. Neither remorse nor vengeance, neither sorrow nor guilt. A living it out, with nothing to save you from the abysm but a high hope, a faith, a joy that you tasted, that you can repeat when you will.

All morning I was at my notes, ferreting through my life records, wondering where to begin, how to make a start, seeing not just another book before me but a life of books. But I don’t begin. The walls are completely bare—I had taken everything down before going to meet you. It is as though I had made ready to leave for good. The spots on the walls stand out—where our heads rested. While it thunders and lightnings I lie on the bed and go through wild dreams. People are saying we will be miserable, we will regret, but we are happy, we are laughing always, we are singing. We are admitted everywhere and they strew our path with flowers.

I say this is a wild dream—but it is this dream I want to realize. Life and literature combined, love the dynamo, you with your chameleon’s soul giving me a thousand loves, being anchored always in no matter what storm, home wherever we are. In the mornings, continuing where we left off. Resurrection after resurrection. You asserting yourself, getting the rich varied life you desire; and the more you assert yourself the more you want me, need me. Your voice getting hoarser, deeper, your eyes blacker, your blood thicker, your body fuller. A voluptuous servility and tyrannical necessity. More cruel now than before—consciously, wilfully cruel. The insatiable delight of experience.

Yours forever,

Ian

Above is a letter from the book ‘A Literate Passion: Letters of Anais Nin and Henry Miller, 1932-1953’ I loved it so much that I decided tailor it for Doris. Or rather, copy pasted with Doris’s name thrown here and there! The original letter can be found here.

 

I have a husband

Dear Doris,

My life has never been the same since the day you walked out of it… How I would love to say I am ok without you and I don’t care what’s going on with you…. I would be lying to myself if I said I will stop loving you! Among the few impossible things… That is one one!

My love, there has been a few changes at work… I am not in the creative department anymore… I have moved to sales and marketing. Please close your mouth, I was dumbfounded as well when I heard the news… That is why I haven’t written in such a long time… I have been busy in the field making deals, selling and seducing retailers to stock our books… Doris, you know I work for a publishing company right?

One thing I have learnt since I changed jobs, SELLING BOOKS TO AFRICANS IS AN IMPOSSIBLE TASK! A very minute percentage of the black human beings surrounding you read for pleasure… A shocking percentage do not read a single storybook/novel after high school… Someone once said, “If you want to hide money from an African, put it between the pages of a book.” I work for a company that fights to see that change… A reading nation is a winning nation…
On to more brighter things…

There is an extremely thin line between selling and flirting… They probably mean the same thing… Flirting is selling yourself right? I might be wrong…
This becomes tricky when it comes to my new JD… Which is selling…
The other day I was at this shop I have been trying to get our books into for ages… I was so close to giving up when things took a wild turn…
I hadn’t noticed I had crossed the line…

The manager at this retail store is an Indian woman… Lets call her Priya… So Priya is the rudest female I have ever met… Her sentences are short and drive daggers to the heart. She has chased me out of her shop twice… As in those ones for, “get out!”
I had to change how to approach this harridan!

“You look amazing in white” I said… I caught her complete attention! The shop went silent… I said it in a rather loud voice… But there are some things, even if whispered, cleaves through whatever noise… Like this one.

I could tell I caught her off guard… I couldn’t just bring up, “please stock our books” right after that… It had to be seamless… “Thenkyu… How can I help you today!” She answered. The staff at the shop were shocked. You could tell this woman had not been kind for a while.

“I can tell you how attractive you are for hours… Because you really are… No doubt!” I said… No matter how thin that line between selling and flirting is, it’s so clear when you have crossed it… And I had… It was now awkward… But I came here to make sure our books are at this shop, and I wasn’t folding! “You never give me time though..” I continue… Priya is slightly beyond her 30s… She is short and modern. Her jet midnight Indian hair natural, sleek, almost like the tail on a unicorns behind! She spends most of her days in anger… You can tell from the prominent folds on her forehead. Her hips are full… The rings at the back of her neck sky rockets her dowry price in Luo land… Her breath smells like nido milk powder…

“You accuse me falsely…” She says… Her cheeks are now crimson…
My brain was on overdrive trying to figure out how to cool this whole inferno down…
She helped out, “so you need your books on our shelves?” She asked…
“Yes… What can I do to have that?” I ask… A bit confused… But I was still on top of my game in case she lost focus…
After a short chat she says she will think about it… We exchange business cards… Mine still said, ‘design manager’
I get a text later that evening….

“I will stock your books but we cannot continue like this. I have a husband!”

I had felled two vampires with the same wooden stake… That’s just means killing two birds with the same stone in a fancier way.

Above is Macklemore, Ryan Lewis AND MY COUSIN OWUOR… Yes my cousin plays with Macklemore! #Braggadocio

 

JUST GOT BACK FROM THE UK!

My Lovely Woman,

As I type this my mother is shouting my name to go down stairs for devotion… This is not normal because it is 9:30pm… You know too well this is a dawn affair! I am going to go down stairs and find out what is going on… Do not go anywhere…

…

…

Just came back up after like an hour.. Nothing serious! Asante Mungu!

Moving right along!

I am running out of things to write to you about! I have been staring at the blinking cursor for almost 10 minutes now! My days were full of drama… Intense drama… At some point in my life I was almost killed by a mob in the middle of town… At another point my brother and I towed a scooter half-way across town… At another point I was running away from the City Council askaris… I have since figured why this is so… I bought a car! All the drama was in the matatus cetaris pharibas. I am sure I spelt that wrong! Its not even supposed to be there!

Please be advised that I am going to milk that point until there is absolutely nothing left… That is me buying a car! I love the way that statement plays on my tongue… That one and, ‘when I was working in the UK’

I still pull that one one and a half years later! EVERYONE who asks me where I have been gets the line smack on their faces! I make it sound like I have just come from the airport… The other day I met one of my childhood friends at the Westlands Oil Libya mini mart! She was buying cigarettes! I was buying gum… The traffic was insane and I was tired of balancing pedals…

“Hi Patricia*” I said with absolute uncertainty because the ass she wielded was not the ass she had  15 years ago… And her mammary glands were, well, mammary glands! These were completely new!

“Ian?” she responded and quickly put her cigarettes in her hand bag like she was hiding them… Clearly forgetting we were not 10 anymore! I smiled!

“Yup!” I answer!

I was wearing my best shirt and shoes so I was sure I was on top of my game!

“Happy new year!” I continue! My father says that a lot so it comes to my head naturally!

She laughs

“You are still funny!” She makes a pass at me…

15 years ago she would’nt have looked at me once let alone make a pass at me… I was the tall skinny kid with shorts that barely covered my thighs while she was that rich spoilt child whose dad and mum lived in Nairobi… We were in Kisumu, so Nairobi was a big deal! Yeah… I said it!

“haha!” I laugh with absolutely nothing to tell this woman!

“So where have you been all this while?” She asks… She woke up the monster! I have this conversation all planned out!!! AL PLANNED FUCKIN’ OUT!

“Nowhere interesting! Been working in the UK. Just came back! Where have you been?” I answer like I was there from 1997! Be advised that I was there for less than 2 months!

Did you notice what I did with my answer? I answered and bounced the question back to her like ‘been working in the UK’ was not that big! HAHAHAHA!

“Wow! What do you do?” She asks… Here is where I was sure I had her by the balls… I am this middle aged, attractive young man who is doing well… Trust me… That is evident from my shirt!

To her question, ‘what do you do?’ I normally answer, “I am a graphic designer!” But when I notice the awe in your eyes by how well you think I am doing… I go like, “I am an artist!” hahahahah! Which I am! I just looking like I earn loads of money from not doing much… I do not by the way… So wipe that look off your face!

‘Ongoro’ – Here I showered for four years straight… I am not in the picture so stop trying to find me!

We are now walking out of the mini mart… Talking about the past! She is walking towards the bus stop and I have to stop her…

“I am parked the other side!” BAZINGA! The little things that excite me…

“Oh, ok!” She answers…

“Where are you headed? Maybe I can…” I start… She doesnt let me finish…

“Town!” She says… “You?” She asks…

“Kileleshwa!” I answer like I own a house in that area…

“You live in Kile?” She asks.

“Yup”, I answer! Intentionally forgetting to mention that I live in my parents house…

We part ways… I leave this woman with such skewed information… I feel bad inside for a little bit… Then it hits me I did not tell a single lie… I put on my aviators and speed off… IN MY CAR!

 

RELATING THEFT AND CRISPS (Part 1)

My Enchantment,

I apologize for I have been quiet for so long… I know I have failed as a man. But do not be too quick to judge me…I was caught up in so much organizing for the Storymoja Hay Festival… It came out great. It burns me inside that you did not attend… But it is fine my love… It is well! You have never liked books…

I dont know if I have told you this before, but my sister Aba and I sold our first coloured tv for 10 shillings! Ok the idea was mine. I was five and had just discovered that paper money is stronger than metal money! Paper money got you a bag of crisps and chilli with lemon squeezed in it… Ladies and gentlemen, it tasted like heaven! I know you have saliva jetting out of your glands right now!!

I was a hustla, and could not throw away a magnificent chance of getting some paper!

My father had promised us he would get us a VCR the same week he got us the tv… We were going to be the first family with a VCR in my estate… That was excellent for PR and to get girls come over… Do not look at me like that, I was five, not two!!

My father then went to work in Nairobi… The VCR story that week was slowly turning to fiction… I could not take it…

That is when the same man who delivered the tv showed up at our door round about 10 am with a huge traveling bag written, Worldcup USA 1994! He had on a brown leather jacket with the American eagle embroidered on the back with stone washed jeans… I can’t remember his shoes!! But HE had white socks… I should have suspected something… His fashion sense was shit!

He said, and I quote, “Baba ntie?” (Is your father home?)

“A..A” (No)  I answer as the older candidate!

“To mama?” (And your mother?) He inquires!

“Odhi tich Mosqo” (She has gone to work in Mosqo) I answer!

Mosqo (Read mosque) was a hood nearby…. Like a 20 minute walk!

“Be unyalo dhi luonge ni akelo video!?” (Can you go tell her I have brought the vcr?)

“E” (Yes) I answer in utmost excitement! Be advised, I was 5 and my sister 4… We had to cross a few major highways to get to my mum’s office… But anything for the VCR!

“Ende e siling apar unyeu go gimoro!” (Here is ten shillings! Buy something) he says in a smile! His plan had just gone straight through…

I took the ten shillings and grabbed my sister’s hand and set out… Destination Mosqo!

Image from google images.

All that was going through my head at this time was the crisps with lemon and chilli… At that time in history, crisps was prepared by the road side in humongous karayas! Then they would be dried and packed in open plastic bags… You would then squeeze your lemon and sprinkle your chilli! It, like I said earlier on this letter, was heaven!

The crisps were sold in 5 bobs… So there was the smallest pack that was 5 shillings… then 10 shillings… the 15 and so on!!

Funny coincidence was, the best crisps vendor in town was set on the way to my mums office… This, I believe, is what helped the tv thief make his escape!!

We got to the crisps place and bought two bags of crisps! The vendor didn’t understand where two kids had gotten all that money from… We sat next to the crisps vendor and ate our crisps… This, was more important than the vcr…

I finished my bag of crisps and asked my sister to share hers… She refused obviously… I would have done the same! She carried hers and said she would keep it until we got home!!

PLEASE NOTE: My sister did not trust the VCR man and suggested she should stay behind just in case… This was pure bullshit! That is what I thought! There was no way in hell I was going to walk al that distance alone!

“Utimo an’go ka? Uwe ng’a ot??” (What are you doing here. Who have you left in the house?” My mother asked in utter shock when she saw us!!

“Ng’amanokelo tv cha! Okello video!” (The man who brought the tv! He has brought the vcr) I answer with pride!

I have no clue what happened the next five or ten minutes but we were home… The tv gone… My mother was furious!!!

We were all over the estae looking for the strange man… All we had for clues was the brown leather jacket and the Worldcup USA bag! People had seen him… We did not find him!!! That was the last coloured tv we ever owned! I mean my last sentence…

I had to tell my sister never to mention at any point of our lives about the 10 shillings… She has been true to date!

A Greatwall black and white tv did not bring a lot of girls home… All of them congregated at my neighbour Alex’s house… They didnt have a coloured tv; they had this huge wooden black and white tv called Thorn! Girls like big machines!

Reminds me of a Greatwall tv joke: Whats black and white a red all over? hahaha!

ps – I bought a car! The matatu category will be a ghost town for a while… But I will take a matatu every once in a while just for you all.

This one is for  Martha. You beautiful woman.

 

Kizee

Kizee, manzi wa yours hapa ivi, roho ya me imekuhata mbaya. Kudoze imekuwa ni ngori bana. NikizidI kuwa limbas na wewe nitatupa form. Hii life haina maana bila wewe mzito, mauchungu kibao tu. Ngoso ngimiz ngimiz ndio zako! Punguza kiasi, animz wa you anataka kuwa anasoma kitu simple bana. Mtu nguyaz nakumind deadly… Barua yako ”the amazing goodnight” iliniwai roho mbaya bana… Kubonga story za ma-animz wengine ndio zako. Wewe hudai nirudi mtaani na vile unahema kila mresh. Za ovyo nazo? Na wacha nikuask, mbona wewe uniita ”the other doris?” kunibagua na kunibeba ufala ufala ndio zako. bado hata siamini vile roho ya me haiwachangi malovings za you mzito!

Wolez nimekumbuka ni birthday yako buda, hata ukae furthest na mimi, siwezi kusahau na siwezi sare kukundapez. Nawajus utafanya kibash kama kawa na hautatuma ki-invite joh, so mimi nitawasha kindukulu, ni puff puff pass na wadhii wa mtaani na kamaisha kazidi. Lakini ujue mi hukumind, ni saa tano usiku, na niko hapa na chora ruabas. Na si unajua nangos ya me haiwezi hizi risto za mitambo, nimeomba neiba key ya cyber, kama hii si malovings basi wee nishow.

Alafu nikuulize, hay festival ni vako gani tena? Ngoso kiasi yenye najua, hay ni dema ya ng’ombe, so jaribu uniradishe hii maneno buda…

Sijui nikuchoree kipoem hivi kama birthday gift, wacha nitry…

mpenzi wa me tangu zamo,

umekaa mbali na me na bado nakupenda more,

mara nyingi una za ovyo lakini nakudai hivo hivo,

wanadai mzito ni effort na yako sijaicheki,

love yako inazidi kuwa kiasi nangoja tu ibleki,

haina ngori hata ukiniondoka,

naelewa mi ni-animz wa ghetto na wewe ushaaomoka,

siwezi bishana na wenye looks na karatasi ishaanitoka

nataka ujibambe yako yote,

furaha siku most na noma mara zote

jibonde yako yote, bila ngori hadi usote

shokez pia ni siku, utasaka na utakule fiteh

A very happy birthday Ian.

 

How To Cheat

(In case you missed this on crazynairobian.com)

My Lovely Doris,

I mean what I am about to say. I know distance weakens faith and trust… And love… Distance makes you do things… Lie, cheat, and lie some more… That, might have been how man was built! The moment we lose something, we quickly find a way of replacing it with something else – all because of the fear of emptiness loss comes with… Distance! I have not seen your beautiful face for almost 8 years now. Vast waters separate us… It kills me… The thought that you might be enjoying the distance crushes me… I forgive you for what you have done and are yet to do… Distance! A man resides in your house… Your neighbor updates me. I am not afraid. The thought of seeing you again sometime strengthens my faithfulness to you. There will be no other. No woman comes close to you in my heart.

What I am about to tell you is extremely important… Man lies! There are careers even fueled by how well one can lie… Look at lawyers, politicians, cobblers!

Don’t try making sense out of cobblers, I couldn’t come up with a third one so I wrote the first thing that came to my mind!

I lie a lot… and I suck at it… I am always busted.

To cheat, you need to be excellent at lying… I am going to teach you how to cheat… Exciting huh?? I love it!

Please be advised that I can’t stand this behavior and anyone caught doing it should be… well… Yeah!

I am going to teach you from true stories of my life… (I can hear teeth chatter)

I was no more than 10 years old! And I was going out with 3 of the sexiest women in my class. This is how to do it…

Let me create a scene…

I sat right at the front of my class… So close to my teacher I could smell the insides of her hand bag every time she unzipped it… It smelt like IT! You all remember IT??? This is not a joke… There was an insecticide called IT! But this story is not about my teachers hand bag… She once called my mother and told her I have refused to learn how to spell because she couldn’t convince me sugar was spelt as is and not SHUGA!!! I still strongly feel that it should be spelt my way… No man can convince me otherwise… But I am an educated man… Education is doing shit in a way someone else thinks it should be done! I gave up in trying to figure out silent letters and how lasanya becomes lasagne! I am losing plot!!! Back to cheating!

One of the women I was dating, Loise*, (not her real name, she might have grown up and become a lawyer!) sat right at the back right corner. She was not attractive… In fact, I didn’t find her beautiful at all. But she was brainy! I love intelligent women! Intelligence is like ‘no underwear’, its like half way there! She taught me how to divide numbers. You need women like that in your life… its not like homework will do itself… That was her duty… Homework. She finished hers and did mine in a different handwriting. I am not a bad person… So in return, I held her hand everyday as we walked home… This, ladies and gentlemen, is the hardest shit to do at the age of 9! But I was willing to do anything to clear school… I held her hand with pride! I finished school by the way!

Victoria* was pretty! As in extremely pretty! But no whiff of wit whatsoever! In fact, Victoria was her real name! Her job was PR. To make me look good. In class 3 looks get you further than grades…. Trust me, IT WILL NOT MATTER IF YOUR GIRLS CAN RECITE THE MULTIPLICATION TABLE BACKWARDS!!! If she is not fly…. It doesn’t fly! This pretty girl coming from a rich family would be a plus… I like rich beautiful girls… Keeping Victoria was a task though. Every Tom, Dick and Harry bought her stuff at break time. My income was limited. I had two companies that did not bring in enough money! MAMA LTD and BABA INC. I had to do better than Tom, Dick and the other one. This called for more money than I had. So I got a stupid friend. A boy I would lie to to give me all his break money! It is not easy tolerating a fool, but my Victoria had to be pampered!

Last but not least, Shyrose Shah. That is her real name. I dont give two squirts of piss using her real name on here! Her family hates black people anyways… AND SHE EATS MEAT!!! Yes Shyrose… I said it! You already know how hard it was for me to put up with this one! Her name went against my Luo normal ways of pronunciation! Sairose Sa! Thats how it would sometimes come out! Her duty was very important… She supplied humongous bags of flavored crisps and chevda! I sometimes used her to supply Victoria’s needs. And just to prove that ‘the way to a man’s heart is through his tummy’ I ended up with this one! Victoria repeated class 3 (was not good for PR) and Loise* wanted more than holding hands… By more I mean doing my own homework… I wasn’t taking that crap!

You must be asking yourself how I kept them from knowing about each other… Simple… Being caught never crossed my mind… My brain was too small to satisfy three women at the same time, figure out how to spell and multiply shit AND START GETTING WORRIED ABOUT GETTING CAUGHT!

So if you are cheating, and you are there thinking about getting caught… You will be caught! Oh yes you will!

That right there reminds me about a story, ‘The Secret Lives of Baba Segi’s Wives’ by Lola Shoneyin. Baba Segi has 4 wives! Iya Segi is his first wife who is loud and huge… She is the boss lady and runs Baba Segi’s house. You already know a fat loud woman as a first wife cannot be told! Iya Tope is the second wife. She was forced into the marriage by Baba Segi. She she has nothing much to say! Iya femis is the third wife. This ones heart burns with vengence… That statement will be clear in my next sentence! Bolanle is Baba Segis fourth and final wife. Iya Femi does not appreciate this and works her ass off to see it that Bolanle is out! She works hand in hand with Iya Segi to see this plot through! Bolanle is a threat because she is young and educated thus posing as a great threat to the other wives! Like I said, an educated woman HAS POWER!

Funniest bit of the story is all the wives have multiple kids except Bolanle, who has non at all… EVen funnier, Baba Segi is sterile… Very cool book… was nominated for the 2011 Orange Prize for Fiction and will appeal to readers who enjoy African literature.

You can come meet the author of ‘The Secret Lives of Baba Segi’s Wives’ Lola Shoneyin, MYSELF and other amazing local and international authors at The Storymoja Hay Festival which will be going down from 13th to 16th September 2012 at The Nairobi National Museum.

By now you already know how terrible my spelling and grammar is… I like doing things my way…

 

The Amazing Goodnight!

Dear Doris,

You fail me my love. Still no word from you. You let my heart be consoled by strange women. I received yet another letter. I could not understand a single word said in it but I was happy. Happy that another woman consoles my heart after noticing the tireless effort I input on trying to make you love me again!

It worries me that we might never be in love like we used… It worries me that I might be fighting a losing battle… But I would rather fight the battle anyway. Maybe someday you will realize we were brought to this earth to spend our lives together!

I apologize in advance, for the coming two months will pass with minimal communication because of this huge project I am part of that is going to take most of my time – and that is the Storymoja Hay Festival.

I am writing today about ‘The Amazing Goodnight!’ I am sure every single man reading this at this moment has experienced this. If you have not experienced this then there is something extremely wrong with you!!

Let me create a scene for you:

You are in the club and see this irresistible woman! She is in a tiny red dress and midnight black felt heels… Her hair is long and light and sways with the slightest move of her head. Her waist is slender and her behind worth an effort. Her eye lashes seductively call out with every blink…

You have to have her…

You walk to her… Small talk… You make her laugh… You pound on your chest with pride on the inside… She gives you her number which you save on all your phones and back up on a cloud incase shit happens and you lose your phone…

You do not communicate for 3 days like the typical male Homo sapiens…

Then you text…

‘Hey beautiful?’

She replies, ‘Who is this?’

You reply, ‘Onyango!’

She might not remember… Or she remembers and is playing games… Either way, you have to explain yourself.

‘We me Saturday night!’ You reply…

‘oh yeah. :)’ she replies.

My friend this is how you tell you are about to get an ‘amazing goodnight!’

She will say ‘I am not interested in talking to you right now’ politely. If you have the slightest bit of intellect, you will, and I stress, end this conversation like this or any other way you deem right…

‘Was just checking up on your beautiful self…’

She might say ‘Awww. Thanks’ or just ‘Thanks!’ Do not reply this text… That way you both go to bed happy…

Things will go wrong if you reply tis,

‘oh yeah. :)’ with, ‘so how are you?’

This is like asking the pope about condoms… He has heard everything on the topic!

If you get an extremely rude woman, she will say, ‘I am ok. Nyt.’ That is 1st Degree AMAZING GOODNIGHT! (It is called amazing because it does not call for a response. It ends the conversation immediately)

You might also get, ‘ttyl. goodnight!’ 2nd DEGREE AMAZING GOODNIGHT. (she has given you permission to try again another day!)

Or, ‘goin to bed now. Will call you tmrw’ 3rd DEGREE AMAZING GOODNIGHT. (Be warned that SHE WILL NOT CALL. She has, without mentioning it, given you the permission to call her the next day)

Normally she will be doing something thats evidently more important than talking to you; like, ‘Have to drive my dad to the hospital’ or ‘talking to mum’

Be advised that an AMAZING GOODNIGHT has no response whatsoever. If you receive the the texts or anything near them, do not reply. Go to bed and think about what you are doing wrong!!

Some men will reply though, it is not like we were all born on a dark Friday night! … Be advised that from that reply onwards, you should declare yourself a slave! You just gave a woman enough reason to walk all over you! AND SHE WILL! AND YOU WILL LET HER!

Signs of an ‘amazing goodnight’

• Shortened words: ttyl, nyt, gdnyt, slp tyt, tmrw, goin, night.
• Signs of no efforts to write the text: tk kesho, :), 🙂
• Curt/rude: i am ok. nyt.

But do not lose heart… Amazing goodnights are just a woman’s way of saying ‘I don’t feel like talking to you right now’ it is way better than us men WHO WILL NOT REPLY if we do not feel like talking…

Like I always say, ‘If she had the time to say NO, then she can be convinced…’™

For Brendah

 

WHAT A WOMAN SHOULD WEAR TO WORK

Dear Doris,

I have said so much my love… and done a tonne to show you that you are the one for me. But all that I have said and done will never compare to what I am willing to do still. My life is purposeless if not spent with you Doris… And if all these things I have said and done still haven’t convinced you of my utter love to you, then I have nothing else to offer…

My dad came back from the States yesterday night.  He is reading a book called, ‘Satan You Can’t have My Children by Iris Delgado!’ I have NO IDEA WHAT MY SIBLINGS IN THE STATES HAVE BEEN UP TO!

Lets get down to business. This one will be long!

Before I go into this I want to let you know that what I am going to teach you is the general things. I will mostly concentrate on plus size yelo yelo lawyers because I like PLUS SIZED YELO YELO  LAWYERS! But this should help you no matter what career you are in – from Mpesa teller to lawyer to doctor through bank robber ( yes, you have to look good to rob a bank so wipe that blank look off your face!)

Lets do this!

The first thing you should have in mind: Image is everything.

I can decide for myself if you are a terrible lawyer or a good one by the way you dress before you say a word! Image covers a wide area… From your ringtone to the colour of your sole. I will try to cover as much as I can!

1. How much you show:

You are allowed to bring your naked body to work but don’t show it! You want to come out as attractive NOT SEXUAL! I have researched on this an I have come up with a way on how to check if your skirt is too short: Place your phone just above your knee in an upright position. If it is not touching your skirt it is most probably short for the work place, so go take it off!

About cleavage – The type of women I like have an ‘absolute bosom’ see also ‘padded bosom’ – I advice you to use your cleavage to say, “oh, you almost saw that didn’t you?!” By that I mean do not go out flaunting it. Hide it almost completely. Or just show all of it – you will lose your job but you will keep your boss!

2. Make up and its evils:

I kid you not, women who wear makeup in business generally get better jobs, get promoted more quickly and get paid more (Times Online UK). Now I am not saying ati you go dive in a bucket of powder to get promoted! Or paint your eyelids blue or draw lines all over you eyes! If you have a zit right at the centre of your fore head, I advice you to rock it with pride than trying to conceal it with heaps of make up… Leave that for clowns and fortune tellers!

3. The suit:

Dear woman, if you want something that will look good on you always it’s a black skirt suit! Buy at least two of these! I prefer my plus size women in skirt suits. Make sure your jackets are two or three button and fits!

A secret: check the material the suit is made of before buying it. It will fit well when one of the materials is spandex in less than 5%. A grey suit is also important… only wear a white skirt suit if you own the firm (see Devil Wears Prada)

4. The hand bag:

Women these days carry HUGE hand bags. You look like you are carrying your child to work in that thing! You don’t want your colleagues thinking that you are not planning on going back home anytime soon because that is what that big bag says!

Stick to genuine leather. You will hardly go wrong with that. Throw all those shiny bags. You don’t want everyone who walks past you seeing their own reflection on your bag.

What you put in this bag is also important! VERY IMPORTANT! There was this once in a matatu,this lady’s phone rang and she couldn’t find t in her HUGE bag. She kept on taking out old receipts and used tissue paper! She had like 4 sunglasses and a huge make up set! Then to top it all a condom wrapper fell out! I advice every woman to have the following: pain killers, a pen a nd a cute tiny note pad, hand sanitizer, mints/gum, a mirror, feminine products, deo, wet wipes, a comb, and a good book ( a woman who reads is a good woman).

4. The shoes

I fall in love with women in black heels that have red soles!

You heels should not be more than 4 inches long unless you work at Tahiti or Apple Bees. I read somewhere that heels make you confident (that right there is a blunt lie… I read no such thing)

Do not wear sandals to work… But I am guessing you already know that.

There is this type of shoes I hate… The are sandals but look like the ‘Jesus sandals’ I have no idea what they are called. They are very common… I wouldn’t wear these!

Keep the toes closed!

I am not an expert on flat shoes so I will avoid that area.

The colour of your heels say a lot! I love my women in red heels and clack heels with red soles.

5. The black dress.

You have to have this. It should be little. Not too little though. It should fit. It should not be too tight. This will go with almost anything. And it will look good.

6. The ringtone.

Kigeugeu by Jaguar and its affiliates are to be avoided for ringtones. Imagine your phone going off to Jimmy Gait! Try setting it to vibrate! In fact… PUT IT ON VIBRATE!

7. The scent.

You are allowed to wear perfume to work. This does not mean you hose yourself in fruity fragrance! The basic rule is, a perfume should not walk ahead of you.  People should not be able to smell your perfume unless they are at arms length! If you walk into a room and people start sneezing… Then… well… leave the room! citrus and fruity scents are advised for the office ( I googled it!)

8. The underwear.

Wear seamless under wear. Panty lines are extremely un-attractive. Kwanza when the panty line does not balance… My word!

The thong – Although I find thongs more suitable for meetings between lovers, I see no reason why a woman couldn’t wear them to work, especially if it is not visible. It cancels out panty lines… But I did not tell you that!

9. The jewelry.

Do not wear noisy jewelry! They are distracting. Instead go for stud earrings or single bracelets! Colour also plays a huge role… Those huge orange beads around your neck will have me concentrating less on what you have to say! Multiple bangles are for young girls, never for a woman looking at the CEO seat!

I have written everything I know on what a woman should wear to work…

My next one will be ‘what to wear to get a man!’

 

TUMBLE DRY

Dear Doris,

My Love…. My Life… My Everything! How I am lifeless without you by my side! My heart bleeds with the distance… I am trying to work it out on my own. But it is weighing me down. But my love, let us think only of the blessings that God may yet have in store for this long distance relationship. It is an amazing feeling to be in love with you – an affection exceeding a thousand times my low moments, which has continued so many years, and is yet undiminished…Never will I marry in this world if I marry not you. Truly can I say that for the seven years since I vowed my love for you, I have foregone all company, and the society of all females (except my own relations) for your sake.

My love, I am a tad confused on where to start today…

I have just noticed its 5:30pm WHICH IN LAYMAN’S TONGUE MEANS HOME TIME so I will be quick…

I really want to tell you a story about this woman who was too fat she had to be TAGGED out of the matatu by two guys but something tells me that is not drama enough to waste my time on…

I have just finished reading this book called Pigeon English… About this 11-year-old Ghanaian boy who moves to the UK with his mum and older sister… The boy dies at the end… That bit f*ked my day… So excuse my emotions from here on…

If there is anything I cannot stand more than maziwa mala it is an illiterate woman! Trust me THEY ARE THERE!!! I am so angered right now!

I know you are asking yourself how to tell if a woman is illiterate! Apart from the obvious ones like letting a matatu driver touch you THERE and using tnx instead of ‘thank you’! Allow me to elaborate!

Lets us start from the very beginning:

Noah Merriam Webstar defines illiterate as showing or marked by a lack of acquaintance with the fundamentals of a particular field of knowledge. He goes on to clarify that it is showing a lack of familiarity with language and literature!

Case Study:

In the matatu yesterday (that’s where all the drama starts man) a woman sat beside me. You already know I have a terrible habit of reading other people’s texts!

She was texting her friend (a woman), or  a man called Wanja! I don’t look into details! Her first text:

“Xema…” Let me stop RIGHT THERE! I SHE DID NOT JUST REPLACE THE ‘S’ WITH AN ‘X’! That was the first nail to her casket!

I continue…

“Xema Wanja. Magne I hnt fkd hom!”

I can imagine the look on your face… I had the exact one when iI saw it!

I recited it in my head over and over again! NOTHING! I had no idea what she was trying to say… This behavior is exhibited by people who lack familiarity with language…

She was beautiful and had a nice ass… but her points were falling fast!

A reply came in…

“Kwani uko wapi. baithewei tnx for teh frts!”

It is quite evident that birds of a feather flock together! We are now dealing with two very special species… Scientific name: Idiotas illiteratus!

I figured ‘baithewei’ in literate is ‘by the way’! Please advise if I am wrong! And ‘tnx’ is Thanks. ‘teh’ is probably ‘the’ and ‘frts’ I dont even want to think about! I HAD NO IDEA WHATSOEVER WHAT THE TWO WERE TALKING ABOUT!

Idiotas illiteratus #1 replies

“hbri ya Davi?” Ok this bit I got… “Habari ya Davi”

Idiotas illiteratus #2 replies almost immediately, “xawa 2! 7 mnths!” I decoded the cryptic message. “Sawa tu. 7 months!”

I gave up. I had no idea what was going on! I could not follow!

Among all the women I have dated, only two were evidently illiterate… Non of which lasted more than 216 hours! My high school was in the middle of nowhere so there was very little to work with. The beautiful ones barely had brains and the intelligent ones barely had a face! I am not being mean… That just how it is!

Because in high school, in the middle of nowhere, no one actually cares if the girl you are walking with has an amazing project for science congress or led in Siaya-Bondo Mathematics (this was the hardest math exam in the region)… I would tend to lean on the looks… You got more marks…

Let me tell you about Berryl* . That might or might not be her real name for identity protection!

She was a tad yellow… Just a tad but had a globe for an ass. Berryl* would write a letter with ‘sweetheart’ being used 79 times all of which were spelt differently and non was correct! Remind me to scan a note she wrote to me and include it on my next post! I couldn’t handle it!

Meet Beatrice* I ended the relationship when she spelt ‘bitch’ as ‘beach’! Too much pride… Too much pride!

I really wanted to merge this with ‘HOW A WOMAN SHOULD DRESS’ But I am afraid it will be too long. So that will be my next letter… Which I will have up before mid-night!

Oh and about the title: I HAVE ALWAYS WANTED TO USE ‘TUMBLE DRY’…. I love it!! TUMBLE DRY!

‘When you marry an illiterate woman as a wife, you will definitely make stupid decisions like jonathan’ –wole soyinka

 

MEN MULTI TASK IF ASKED OF THEM… OR IF ALLOWED!

Dear Doris,

I do love nothing in the world so well as you! I know my love, that life has never been easy for the two of us… I still don’t understand why it’s so hard for us yet we love each other so much… Sometimes I can even hear the hate for me in your voice… But I ignore it, because I know love conquers all. I know its in loving someone like you that one can truly feel life is really worth it. You are worth every second and breath of me. I pray we spend the rest of our lives together… In love, in hate, in doubt… If we are to disagree during the day… I want to be the one to hold you during the night… I want to be there when you laugh… I want to be the one who has no idea what to do when you cry… I want to be there for you… SO please stop being cruel already!

FULL STOP.

I have noticed with great concern that all my recent letters are about matatus or something related to the topic… I am sorry if it is getting monotonous! But put yourself in my position… It’s always raining… I spend my day at the office and my nights, like normal human beings, in bed! I only have a small crack in between the two variables… When the rain stops maybe I will write you a letter about… about… mm… I have no clue whatsoever!

This is yet another one about a matatu!! Or rather, what went down in the matatu…

BUILDING SCENE AND PLOT:

Nairobi is a wet mess… [no matter how you read that it will end up in sex] Its raining most of the day and raining hard [another one of those sentences that you have to be careful on which word you stress]

Lets swiftly move on…

This is the perfect weather for making babies… or just the perfect weather for trying to make babies without actually wanting to have a baby… I would like to term it as the excellent  conditions for occupying vagistan! This weather makes you  do things… And it’s completely understandable… No one wants to be alone at this time of year… It is just depressing!

You must be asking yourself how this will relate to a matatu… The shocking thing is that it does… In ways you would not imagine!

I am on a matatu from town to Kileleshwa…. I fought so hard to get onto it in the rain. My trench coat is dripping wet. I got the best seat… The co-driver’s seat [refer to my ‘Where to Sit’ post.]  Between me and the driver is a woman… Evidently in her 30’s. Her face had started showing the QUESTION ‘what have I done with my life?’ You know that face? All 35+year olds in a matatu ask themselves the same thing… I can’t explain it better than that.

She is wearing a blue dress made out of t-shirt material! I don’t know if you know those dresses women wear. Its revealing but you still can’t see sh*t! It’s easily flows to her ankles! She has been rained on so you can see her underwear! It was so clear you could see the tiny white bow between her Double C cups! It was clear she had no kids… The two niggers pointed straight at the windshield! I couldn’t stop looking!

She was pretty and extremely above what she is about to do…

She took a book out her bag and flipped to the page with the book mark. She is reading Gracefully Insane by Alex Beam! An excellent book! So she is literate! She is reading quite fast considering it was already dark [unless she was just looking blankly at the pages!] She reads faster than me… And I read fast!

The traffic is tight and I am falling asleep… I am always asleep if I am not reading people’s texts!

It worries me that this post is getting long before I get into the main story!

I was woken up by a faint moan… I was certain it was not from my dream… It was too INSIDE THE MATATU!

I look at the woman seated next to me. She is not reading the book anymore! If anything, she has completely lost interest in it! I could tell because her book mark was on the floor and the book was placed carelessly on the dashboard! SHe had her mind completely on something else…

Her dress that’s long to the ankle is now  suspended dangerously above her knees! Its like she was scratching her thighs… Which is pretty close to what was going on!

LISTEN CLOSELY!

Her hand bag, a huge brown leather handbag, was on her lap. Her left leg was weirdly placed; it was actually on the driver’s space!

I had not noticed the driver was driving with one hand… Ok, maybe I had, but it had not hit me where his other hand was! It all made sense when a trailer swerved past us so dangerously close that the driver had to use both hands…

From under her dress… tossing the handbag leaving me with my answers…

The funny part was the moan the woman let out when the man removed his hand from under her dress… She had to let it out but didn’t want it to come out… Sounded like Donald Duck!

We got off at the same place… She walked slowly, stopping completely a few times! I was walking pretty slow myself just to make her uncomfortable…

Like the saying goes, “Ever since dying came into fashion, life hasn’t been safe.”

Note: I like that some of you are still waiting for me to say exactly what was happening 😀

Please participate in this poll:

 

 

 

ITALIAN JOB

My Lover,

I have 3 very important things to tell you today mi amor (ok what does mi amor mean? I hear it is mushy movies a lot so I am guessing its a mushy maneno)

MOVING RIGHT ALONG…

IMPORTANT THING NUMBER ONE – I love you.

Ok maybe i had only one very important thing to say

Let me ask you… Yes I am talking to you! As you look behind you… But yes, the person reading this… How many bank robbery movies have you watched? As in the excellent executions of the toughest robberies… As in wakina Oceans 11 and Italian Job and Oceans 12 and Inside Job and Oceans 13 and Fly Paper…. I could go on and on…

In the movies I have mentioned, theres planning… and training… and cool equipment… and guns and A BEAUTIFUL WOMAN… THERE IS ALWAYS A BEAUTIFUL WOMAN!!

Since I started watching these movies I have never thought to myself that I would ever use the knowledge I got from these movies… Dont worry, I did not rob a bank… But the plot is about to thicken… As in get padded!

My office is in Spring Valley… You might already know that its ‘rich man’s land’ A region where you pay 50,000 rent for an SQ is not for sofaras… By sofaras I mean you and I! Stop giving me that look like you can afford it! You cant!

We have a shopping centre… Total petrol station… A few shops, a chemist, the total store… an Equty ATM and a coffe house called Kahawa that sells a cup of coffee for 300! or some impossible value like that…

we have 3 Mpesa places… a random Mpesa stall between the Indian supermarket and the butchery… And inside the drug store… and one next to the ATM!

I hope you are paying attention to the details… It is very important for you to do so or you will not understand shit later on…

The random stall has a Kamba woman manning it… she is in her early 20s and bares a mustache. She smiles at every man and shows signs of ‘ASK ME AND I WILL SAY YES!’

The mpesa in the drug store is manned by a very rude unattractive Kikuyu woman who wears half moon glasses and a Benylyn lab coat. She looks like she has a degree… Her attitude is way above sea level! She is curt and does not wear a bra… her nipples are always sticking out of her lab coat… Not that I was looking… This means she is also trying to get someone who can see beyond her attitude… Even the bad ones need someone!

The 3rd Mpesa place is manned by an Indian lady… She is young! Very young… She barely has boobs but she is extremely beautiful… She works with her mum… She is nothing beyond 25 years… She doesnt look like she drinks and most of the time can pass for very focused! I have seen her once! She wasnt looking focused!

Now you have the blue print… Lets tackle the elephant in the room which is your uncertainity to what I am talking about…

I had an emergency and had to send someone money by Mpesa…

I don’t have an ID! Transacting without an ID is almost impossible…

AND NOW: THE ITALIAN JOB!

I have not had my ID for about 3 years now and I was sure this was going to come up at some point of my life… So I studied these three women in length… No Doris, I didn’t follow them home! I made sure I bought all my airtime from them to create some trust… I laughed with them and let them scratch my… my airtime for me 😀

I needed to deposit 20,000 without and ID… If it was you, who would you have gone for?

Here is who I went for… And how I went for it…

The Indian was the 1st one I crossed out. SHe consults her mother on issues she doesn’t fathom… Like if you don’t have and ID, she will ask her mom if its ok to take a photocopy of it… This joint meant dealing with two Indian women which is a bit tricky for a black man of my stature! She was out…

The Kikuyu at the drug store was a good shot… The rudest women are the easiest to take down… TRUST ME!!! The ones who will look at you from your head down are the ones who will sleep with you on the first date… All you have to do is show her that she can be broken!!

Before I go on, please look at these 3 women as 3 bank tellers in a bank and there’s a robbery about to take place… And I am well, Idris Elba! 

The naive Mkamba is an easy target… But always asks for your ID… She doesn’t bring sex into her business… It’s the easy targets that shock you… I was not ready for shock… It was a one time job… One BIG job…

I fix my collar and make my jacket…. then walk into the drug store…

(have you notice I have been using DRUG STORE?? haha! I think its funny)

Theres a fat Kikuyu man being served… I can tell he is Kikuyu because he has on a gold crucifix and has the three top buttons of his shirt un-buttoned his collar was out of his jacket… resting on the lapel! You know what I am talking about…

He didn’t have his ID and he wanted to withdraw 400 bob… The woman showed him the door… I panicked and followed him out before I was served….

I had to go back into the office to re think my plan… I went through all the facts one more time… took a glass of water and went out to execute THE BIGGEST MPESA TRANSACTION IN MY LIFE 😀

I was back in 5 minutes having deposited  the money without breaking a sweat…

I know you are wondering who I went for…

LISTEN…

“for a bank job to work, go for the oldest teller… Tell her she is beautiful..” Idris on Takers

I went for the Indians mother and told her she was looking amazing and so jealous about her husband… I flirted with her for a few minutes then ordered her daughter to deposit the money while the 50 old woman was still riding on my lies…

And that is the end of this robbery…

P.S – the quote I just gave from Takers by Idris Elba is non existent, That pause just needed a quote…

 

TAKING A STAND

My Love Doris,

I wake filled with thoughts of you. Your portrait and the intoxicating nights which we spent together have left my senses in turmoil. My Doris, I have come to realize life makes little sense with you not in my embrace. I refuse to accept the fact that we have to be apart in these trying times my love…I hope you are well!

This will be a short letter…

I am not sure if i am supposed to write what I am about to… I have been in enough shiiii* writing things I am not supposed to! But my love, I do not know how to hide things from you.

My sisters friend came over the other day… She was studying on the dinning table! I was seated across from her… Directly opposite actually… I was on my laptop writing to you! It was late… An hour past midnight perhaps… It was only the two of us awake in the house!!

Now before I continue I would like you to stop thinking in the direction you are thinking! I know in your head we are already naked… Please be patient…

we don’t talk… there’s nothing to talk about! I am punching on the keyboard with the rage of an insomniac! I don’t have my glasses so I am squinting at the screen… I would look around now and then just to be sure no demons were flying around the house… Funny thing is that I think she was looking for these demons also because every time I would look up… my eyes would meet hers! Please do not think this as a romantic gesture… I was just looking out for demons!

Still setting our scene:

Think of it weird but I like the feeling of the cold floor under my feet… I am barely in sandals around the house! So as I was typing away, I happened to have slipped off my left slipper! You and I both know how you slipper grows legs when it slips off under the table! All of a sudden you cannot find them (when you are looking for them with your feet) I am tall and I think I have mentioned that fact before… My legs go on forever! So you can picture the situation… I am feeling the floor with my bare legs for my slipper…. paying no attention to my surroundings!!

It wasnt long until my feet met hers!!! IT WAS SOOOO AWKWARD! I had just watched Shuga where the teenage girls uncle feels her with his leg under the table! Even though it was not intentional, I felt like a pedophile… I packed my laptop and went to bed, which made it even look more pedophile… But God knows I was looking for my slipper!

Good night my love…

 

 

“YOU ARE ALL STUPID”

Dear Doris,

I promised I would be writing everyday plus this story is way overdue!  It is not my fault that I had a crazy weekend!

Please do not be misled by my title… In all honesty, that phrase made the weekend what it was! Let me explain!

We all like to fight… ok maybe not! I like to fight when i am sure i will over power my enemy completely!! If you look stronger than me… I WILL WALK AWAY APOLOGIZING! That is the discipline! Call me a coward… I AGREE WITH YOU ENTIRELY BODY AND SOUL!

I only fight under the following circumstances:

1. If I am with more than 10 of my friends who I know will have my back! and

2. If my enemy is in a comma and is not able to fight back…

My people (who are more than 10) and I are always at Brew Bistro every Friday evening! We are a big crowd! We sit at the same spot every time! If you frequent the place, you probably know us by now! At the balcony, we are always seated on your far right! It is safe to say, we are the noisiest! But stay with me, we are about to out-do ourselves!

We were leaving Brew Bistro at about midnight last Friday!

On our way down the stairs we meet some two random girls who were coming up… @ongaloK runs his fingers through one girl’s hair and it blows up! The girls at the top of their voices are throwing insults and calling us names… We are like 20 people, and we are all drunk! THE TWO BISHEZ DIDNT STAND A CHANCE! (please be advised that i dont call women bishez but it seemed appropriate at this point! I promise never to use it again!)

Below are the faces of a few criminals 😀

There is violent exchange of words between us and the two! @wamar , one of our mad friends puts her bag on the floor and is ready for a fight! She was almost folding the sleeves of her sleeveless blouse! The bouncers ask us to leave the two women alone and leave the building!

Let me explain something, we are VIPs here (na si kuringa) and are treated as such even when we are on the wrong! There was one time @mikemaltie , another friend, threatened to depot the Italian manager!

THE JUICY BIT IS 2 SECONDS AWAY!

We get to our cars and @mikemaltie new cars has been scratched! The car is hours old… Please note that its DRAMA from here onwards!

A random watchman comes and says he knows who did it… and he gets him!

A minute man walks towards us like he owns the place! He is nothing above 5 feet… He is dark and drunk! He is West African! He is not intelligent!

“So what do we do now?” @mikemaltie

“forgive me!” the fool replies with no remorse whatsoever!

@mikemaltie is getting pissed… A crowd is forming around us… Please note that this crowd is made up of our friends… In short, we surrounded the man!

“if it is fighting, I can beat all of you…” The midget spits! In my opinion, I would have suggested the first blow to land on him at this point… I dont undesrtand the delay till now!

“You are all stupid!” the man adds! This midget had the balls of the devil! The man had pushed his luck a bit too far…

@viconthemic threw the first blow that got him right across his face… ALL HELL BROKE LOOSE! Everyone wanted a piece… No one likes to be called stupid… I dont fight… but since I was stupid… I threw a kick that got the poor midget on his arm pit… he proceeded to run away with my shoe!

I am blind and didnt have my glasses so i was throwing punches blindly until I noticed I was beating up @mikemaltie instead of the midget!

One of our people kept on saying, “akel mach koso?” (should I bring my gun?)

The short man ran inside Brew and got lost! His car was parked next to ours… We deflated his tires… We are terrible citizens!

About 15 minutes later a man comes to us to apologize for scratching the car… HE WAS NOT THE ONE WE BEAT UP! The ‘patient’ was a passenger!

The midget also came out at some point and could not stop puking…

We left the place and headed to Quins…

In the 1st 10 minutes another fight had started… This time @ongaloK was fighting 3 bouncers! He was quickly joined by @viconthemic I was not going to contribute to this one… THATS HOW PEOPLE DIE!!! then i had what it was about…. Apparently @mamima22 ,  my small sister wad been harassed by one of them… I GOT IN 10 FOLD!

“we are going to close down this establishment!!!! Tomorrow we are coming here with lawyers! we have already closed down 3 clubs in the past because of this stupidity!” was @ongalok last remark!!

 

MALAYA MWEMA!

Dear Doris,

My Swahili is terrible! So my title simply means ‘Holy Slut’! If this is not what it means then I apologize! I have been away for a while now and my medulla is boiling with stories! I am not even sure where to start! I promise from now on i will try to write everyday like i used to 2 years ago! Lets not waste any time now!

Its Monday today! Just keep that little fact in mind! that’s all I am asking! I know it can become a bit difficult for a few of you when it comes to exercising the brain… Moving on!

I was at the bank on Friday! KCB Sarit to be exact! I had taken a friend! Yes I had that much free time and I was utterly bored at the office! But this is not the point! So I am comfortably seated on the seat in the banking hall waiting for my friend to finish! Theres absolutely nothing to do with your ‘free’ time in a bank! In a few minutes i had gone through all their brochures and boring magazines… Wait…. Their wasnt a single magazine! Some lady came to me twice to ask if ‘i had been assisted!’ Sounds like a brothel huh? ATI ASSISTED!!! SI TWENDE KWANGU UNI-ASSIST BASI MADAM! But this is not the point either!

I had been seated here for almost an hour now and was dozing off!  Then this tall woman walks in… YES IT IS ALWAYS ABOUT A WOMAN!

She is extremely dark… as in shes almost blue! You have probably already deduced that I wasnt interested! I don’t go for anything below 60 watts! It’s not her complexion that got me and the entire banking hall… ITS WHAT SHE WAS WEARING! OR SHOULD I SAY WHAT SHE WAS NOT WEARING!

Her heels were the height of a new pencil!

She was in a red blouse that was SOOO SEE THROUGH I could count the number of polka dots she had on her bra! AND I AM BLIND! I am not complaining! She was wearing those shorts women wear these days… with the high waist! Do you know them?

Her shorts were SHORT! As in they were so tiny you could glimpse at the foot of her ass! As in you could see that fold separating thigh from ass… I know you know this fold!

She was carrying a huge bag… You know the ones for ‘I will not be home till Thursday!’

it was something close to this.... just 10 times smaller!

The banking hall came to a halt! The money counting machines that are always rattling went quiet! The ringing phones… QUIET! As in for a fraction of a minute, she had the whole bank by its balls!

I was wide awake now…

She made her way swinging her ass to the ‘cheque deposit’ queue and posed… Yes… She posed at the end of the queue like a photographer was in the house! I was busy taking pictures with my bare eyes!

She had the X factor… You know those women who are completely not your type but there is an un-explainable force that just draws you to them? I call that THE X FACTOR!

The bank is back on its feet but every man in that hall is trying to steal a glimpse at this tall dark almost naked woman! Even the old men had their tongues out!

THIS NEXT PART IS THE FUNNIEST BIT!

OUR model’s phone rings!!!! HAHA! and her ring tone, “AKISEMA ATAKUBARIKI, HAKUNA ATAKAY ZUIA, KWANI YEYE NDIYE MUNGU something something  something!”

The phone couldn’t stop ringing and she couldn’t find it in her huge bag… She gave up on finding it and posed and let it ring… I laughed so loudly the guard asked me to leave the bank!!!

 

 

LAMENTATIONS

My Lovely Woman,

I wrote you two letters yesterday, you must be tired of me by now, but do not worry, this one will be quick and painless (why does it sound like we are discussing about a quickie?) Let us make this quick!

Before I move on to the main agenda, please allow me to express my concern on a few addictions I have been adopting! At AA it is said that, ‘accepting you have a problem is the first step…’, well Doris, here I am at your feet, accepting!

We had wireless internet installed at my house a few days ago. This move by our loving parents is separating our family… Everyone is always on the internet. No one has time for the other person. But that is not the problem. With internet comes a lot of things. Like research, social networking, job applications, porn, job applications again… Not exactly in that order! I am not addicted to porn, PLEASE LISTEN TO THE FUCKIN* STORY AND STOP JUMPING INTO CONCLUSIONS GAD DAMMIT!

The Yello Tonto Dikeh

So where was I? Yes, so I am just going to put it out there in black and white… I don’t want to hide anything from you… I am addicted to Nigerian movies! Sue me! This addiction is almost a week old!

Nigerians are funny; THEY HAVE FULL MOVIES ON YOUTUBE! 90 minute long movies. I don’t know how they do it! Those are the ones I am addicted to! The Youtube Nigerian Movies! And I watch them on my phone (Samsung Galaxy Mini)! A bit serious, don’t you think?! I am addicted to particular Nigerian movies (not all of them, who do you think I am? A house maid?) I am addicted to the ones with Tonto Dikeh. I will explain why right now!

She is a great YELLO YELLO actress (i think)! She executes her role perfectly! And she is not ati baaad looking and she is a walking scandal! Then almost all (all the ones I have watched) are, well, porn! There is so much sex in Nigerian movies these days! SO MUCH SEX! And not the normal movie type… they go all the way, sweating, eye ball rolling backwards and all… Ok I will stop!

I don’t want to drag this too long so I will jump to my next addiction! Bongo music! I notice today that my ipod has 37 Bongo jams! I am scared! I hated Bongo so much a while back! Same to Nigerian movies! I think I am growing old! Even now I am listening to some guy called Matonya! And honestly, I like it! Nothing close to Eminem and Lil Wayne, but I like it all the same!

Now that the addictions have been put on the table, I want to; very fast; tackle my main agenda!

LAMENTATIONS:

So I got a rude comment yesterday from an anonymous character complaining about my spelling mistakes and grammatical errors! I laughed my ass off! Here was the comment, and I quote:

“Dear doris righetr. You do not know your spelling and grammer! You are so irritating!”

At least he spelt irritating right!

Beautiful ladies and gentlemen, I want you to listen very carefully, I do not give a rats ass about my spelling and grammar! Doris and I live beyond laws put down by humans! I do it on purpose! Clean edited language is, well, common! Doris and I do not do common! I work for a publishing company, so Dear Mr. Anonymous who can’t stand people making spelling mistakes while he himself cant even spell, I know more about spelling and grammar like you wouldn’t even imagine! Thank you though!

I make so many errors when I type that if I copy and paste on MS WORD, I see a continuous green zig zag line right from the beginning to the end! I appreciate criticism but I will not change the way I write! Thank you!

 

 

MY SUGAR MUMMY

Dear Doris,

Please wipe that look on your face and at least listen to the story before you judge me!! Yes, that’s more like it… You looked like you had swallowed a piggy bank!!

How are you my love? A few letters I had written you sometime last month were sent back to me…. Apparently you didn’t know the sender!!! Babe, whats going on? Ok asking for a divorce was understandable, I am always out of the country for business… BUT DECIDING YOU DO NOT KNOW ME ANYMORE IS A TAD, WELL… RUDE! I am not even sure you will get this one! I will write anyways.

I am going to dive right in it… Clearly my title does not allow me otherwise! I was out last Saturday… Like every other saturday of my life. At Quins to be exact. The crowd was fertile… By fertile i mean there was an approachable woman every half degree of head rotation! Does my last statement make sense? Then again, I don’t care!

So I want you to see exactly what is going on as it goes on. I want you to be in my shoes….I hope you can fit into a size 11! I will build the scene for you… I really hope you can read and understand English…

Koro achung e club büt DJ. Thum muoch marachhhh… Amadho kon’go ma tekre ne thoth ndi! Nyiri opong dabal… Nungo winyre to nyosre mo otamo wan’ga!

Ok that was a joke… Please get a Luo friend to help you with that last paragraph… No I will not be tribalistic… In English:

I am in the club, standing next to the DJ. The… This post is a bit boring… It’s not building up the way I want it to…

So to cut a long story short… This woman comes to me… she is well above 40. Her dread locks are well maintained and are rooting for her ass… which looked half her age! She is not pretty, but you can tell she is taking care of herself… The wrinkles under her eyes are well maintained… They are evident but not sagging like the ones most women her age do! Her fingers are heavily wrinkled. She is wearing a wedding ring that looks like its been round her finger longer than I have been alive. She is in white linen and her red heels look expensive. Her dress has its hem slightly above the knee. You can almost glimpse at her thighs!

She has heavy beads round her neck. rough beads, almost looks like ivory. Same material on her earrings! Her wrist watch looks expensive… 

She walks to me… Halfway across the club. Everyone around me is dancing vigorously to the dub step playing so she is quite ambiguous because she approaches slowly… Its like those exorcism movies where the possessed soul is so evident in a congregation! I sip my drink (that is blue by the way)!

She comes close enough to feel te hairs on my chest (I don’t have those)!

“I want you!” she whispers and turns around then heads back to her seat! The message was clear… It pierced through the loud music like there was no music at all… I sipped my drink!

Everyone around me was now staring at me… I felt naked…. I had to change my location! I went and sat at the far end of the bar, talking to this girl who knew me so well! I had no clue who she was!

“I can give you anything you want!” A whisper! The same voice from earlier! The story line then thickens! This woman was willing to get me a unicorn…

She winks at me then walks away!

I was getting freaked out so I change locations again! I am now at the furthest end of the club, near the bathroom… My plan… I would get into the bathroom if I was to spot her coming my way…

It was not long until I saw her… Approaching like gliding pelican… Thing is, she had this thing… the only way I can explain it is, ‘that thing that holds you on the track when a train is approaching!’

I was helpless.. She penetrated through the rowdy crowd like a snake…

“I want you to be mine… Tonight!” She whispered! She had pinned me against the wall! Her face almost touching mine! I was scared she might try to kiss me and infect me with a disease!

It was time TO LEAVE THAT CLUB!

I am outside the club… waiting for my people so that we can leave… Guess who I see… YES! The woman in white linen! She, for the first time, has her hand bag. She was probably leaving too.. No, SHE WAS DEFINITELY LEAVING! She walks to me… This time, she does not say a word! She is holding a business card. Her intention was to slip it into my breast pocket! Almost all my shirts do not have breast pockets… So after a few seconds of trial and error, she slips it in me trouser back pocket… She grabs on my ass in the process! I do not move an inch!

I know her name and where she works…

I will not mention names, lakini, If your mother or grandmother drives a maroon X6, plates KXX XX9R she is willing to give me anything I want…

(I think I just broke a home Doris)

 

WOMEN IN TURQUOISE (season finale)

Dear Doris,

So splitting the WOMEN IN TURQUOISE story is getting me into so much trouble…

So here is the final bit of the story…

Before I start, please note that I AM BROKE… at least at the time… This is a very crucial factor that you will have to keep in mind as we move!

………. Ok I can’t remember where I left off so I will just start from a random part…

Rita works on Mombasa Road and lives in Loresho. Hold my last statement as irrelevant until later on into this letter.

Its Saturday morning and I have been talking to Rita for about a week. I know so much about her I could probably pick her from a school of naked women blindfolded. Apart from her jet hair and tender and light skin and extremely seductive eyes… I also know she uses Lolita Lempicka by Lolita Lempicka and does not wear nail polish! My mother was going to like this one!

Oh, I didnt know what  Lolita Lempicka was either until i googled it! Please do the same!

I am getting ready for church… Still walking around my room in my boxers looking for my church trousers! A call comes in. My ringtone is ‘Tonight by Enrique Iglesias’ and I never pick up my phone until I hear my best part of the song, which is 5 seconds into the song. Enrique goes like, “You know I want you…. and its obvious that I want you too… now put it on me…” Yeah! Moving on!

Its Rita asking if we could meet up for cake!

Ladies and gentlemen, I have heard of coffee, food, sex, movie, blankets and wine BUT NEVER CAKE! or maybe it was a metaphor?! Read on and see…

“is arté café ok?” she asks in one of the most convincing voices I have heard this year…

“sure! what time?” I revert… “In an hour maybe?!” she says… “excellent!” I say!

My brother is in the bathroom… he showers for an hour!! I needed money! I didn’t have a single cent on me… not even sadaka!

I am doing MURD calculations in my head… I come to a figure, 300/- i have 1000/- in my MPESA and my brother gives me 2,000/- I am ready for Rita… There is a rhyme there= Ready for Rita 😀

You already know from ‘DATES THAT ARE BLIND’ that I like showing up extremely early for first dates…

I am there early and I have gone through the whole cake list… My budget is round and perfect unless she will eat more than 1KG of cake… I have mastered the whole menu in 10 minutes…

She gets there 6 minutes late… Her smile, well, sugar, spice and chaptis! I love chapatis. She is in a teal sundress that hung dangerously just enough for you to glimpse at her knees. She is holding a purple clutch purse and has let her hair down in perfect waves. Her arms are naked… kissing the air around her… her cleavage nothing short of AMAZING! A pair of nice round ones… I was almost in love… She is holding a bundle of keys, a Mercedes logo on one of them brought me back to my senses.

We are seated at the patio… small talk… “you have to try this cake” she says then signals a waitress and orders for something I DIDNT SEE ON THE MENU… But all is well… 3,000/- is a loooottttt…

Ladies and gentlemen what is about to take place, I believe, happened because I skipped church to meet a woman!

My back pocket was uncomfortably empty… I had forgotten my wallet at home… or in the car.. or I DONT KNOW WHERE BUT I DIDNT HAVE IT!

I go deaf… I can only see her mouth moving… I am confused! I needed a solution!

She holds my hand and calls out my name with utmost grace… “Ian? are you ok?” she asks..

I come back to my senses… her hand still on mine… It brought an uncomfortable comfort!

“yeah… i am..” i answer…

The bill comes…. 940/= It hits me that I have MPESA. NOW HOW TO RUN TO AN MPESA, WITHDRAW, THEN COME PAY was the question… I was sweating! I pretend to be reaching for my wallet…

“Don’t!” she says in a smile’ “I got this one” she continues. I try to talk her off it knowing very well I am digging my own grave… She is persistent, I give up! She pays and I am walking her to her car…

She insists on holding my hand… i dont complain! A yellow woman like this one holding your hand in public raises street cred…

“its my mums!” she says after noticing the shock on my face when I saw  the car she came in… A CLS!

“what do you have planned for the day?” she asks…. I am still going through the 3rd stage of shock (DEAFNESS).

“ahh! Nothing…. Maybe go home and watch movies” I fumble!

“I have an idea… come over to mines. We can watch movies!” YOU ALL KNOW I COULDNT HAVE SAID NO!

That ride from Westgate to Loresho was the most comfortable ride I have heard in my life! And just so you know, Lolita Lempicka SMELLS GREAT!

The rest is blur…

 

WOMEN IN TURQUOISE (part 2)

Dear Doris,

My one and only… My world stops spinning before your beauty!

How was your weekend Sugar? Mine was.. well.. That will be on my next letter. Today its all about Turquoise 2.

If your memory is worth writing home about, you probably remember Women in Turquoise 1! If you don’t remember this letter or you don’t know about it at all, I suggest you go read it here

Lets start from known to unknown…

We already know this woman is my type… Padded and yellow and dresses in fine fabric perfumed with basil and myrrh and lavender and sage and camomile…  and and and…

We also know that she has my number! Please note that my business card, at the time, had two of my numbers, one of the two was wrong! The probabilities of her EVER getting back to me had just been halved!!!

We probably know that I AM PRAYING MY ASS OFF FOR HER TO CALL or text… or send a smoke signal!

Our woman waits 8 days to communicate… I was her bitch!!

She calls me on a Monday morning. 10am to be exact! I am in a meeting so I hung up and text back.

“in a meeting. Will call you immediately I am done!” 

Please be advised that the 50% chance I had has just been halved… I am doing badly!

I forget about this call completely until a text comes in at about 4pm, “is that meeting long or what :)”

It was clearly a woman… No man sends me smileys…

“I am extremely sorry. Sema?” I reply with skewed interests!

“I am sure you wouldn’t guess who this is :)” she replied>

I was getting bored with this… I was getting irritated. I had deduced its had to be a woman I ‘used’ to know a WHILE back or a woman I met at some club and exchanged numbers… all in all it had to be a random!

Please be advised that if a woman asks you to guess who she is… DONT DO IT! You will be in so much trouble you have no idea… NEVER GUESS! NEVER!

“I honestly can’t guess! Give me a clue!” I text.

“you saved my life :D” she texted back…

She had me with this woman… I had no idea whose life i saved in the past century… And what does she mean by ‘saved life’? was she falling from a cliff and I jumped and held her hand to pull her back up? or I dove in the line of fire…

I had nothing to lose!! I press my ‘FLIRT’ button!

“I saved your life? well, is beautiful another clue ;)” I text

“haha. Maybe!” she replies!! Please not that a woman who is genuinely beautiful will  never say it!! She has nothing to prove and she knows it.

I had a situation on my hands… I rush through my history… NOTHING!

“tell me what you are wearing and I will give you three people you might be” I text back.

Please not that I am slowly entangling myself in my own web!! I had just made a mistake I couldn’t correct! Now I had to guess who she was after her next text!

“sky blue skirt suit and red patent heels” she replies… I HAD NO CLUE WHO THE FUCK THIS WAS!! AT ALL!

I buy time as I google ‘patent’

“I need more ;)” I reply

google: Patent leather is leather that has been finished with chemicals that give it a shiny, reflective surface. It is usually black, and has long been popular for dress and …

TO CUT THIS WHOLE STORY SHORT, I couldn’t guess, even after the bra colour!!

“Its Rita. We met at the Spring Valley shopping centre…. Remember?”

She had made the situation a bit tricky… I had to review all the women I met at this place… it was taking a while…

“you almost got beat by that cop :D” she adds!

“hey gorgeous :)” i reply… My heart racing!

YOU ARE GOING TO HATE ME FOR THIS BUT THIS POST IS WAY PAST 600 WORDS AND WILL HAVE TO HAVE A PART 3, which will come out this evening, I promise!!

TRAILER: WOMEN IN TURQUOISE 3 >>> ART CAFé >>> Loresho >>> THE SITUATION JUST GOT HOTTER 😉

 

 

DATES THAT ARE BLIND…

My Love,

I have a meeting in 4 minutes so this will be a very short letter.I know I shouldnt put work before us but Babe, if I don’t where will you sleep and eat and laugh… Definitely not the streets because that is where we will be headed if the two constants are inverted…

Moving on… Have ever been on a blind date?

I still remember how we met… On that cruise ship… The wind blowing through your jet black hair… Remember?

But this is not about us…

A few years back before I met you I decided to go on a blind date…

P.S – BLIND DATE MIGHT GO TERRIBLY RIGHT OR TERRIBLY WRONG!!! Mine went both ways!! I will explain!

I meet this chic on Facebook Chat (typical)! She is commenting on all my pictures and art work posted on my profile… I SHOULD HAVE NOTICED THIS psychotic behavior…

We talk for a while… a week or so… We have a lot in common… She is into art and loves the smell of rosemary and cooks well… ALL OF WHICH WAS DISCUSSED ON FB CHAT!!

Did I mention that she didn’t have a profile picture??!! Ok, she had a profile picture but it was of a Mustang GT… THIS SHOULD HAVE BEEN A SIGN!!! I wasnt even sure if I was talking to a woman!!

So like a normal human-being I ask if we can meet up for coffee… She is a bit hesitant at first…

“sawa sawa… Wapi?” she asks… “your favorite joint, Savannah…”  (she had mentioned that this was her fav  place in the world)!

“Where is it?” she bluntly ask….

I thought it was a joke… so i ignore it completely and give her directions!

p.s THERE WAS ONLY ONE SAVANNAH JOINT AT THIS TIME!

I leave work early and I am at Savannah by 4… We were supposed to meet at 5:30pm!

I came early to asses… Asses the blind date as she walks to my table… which is probably the furthest from the door! I learnt this from the movie CATS…

SO! Sipping on my black coffee, Lisa* calls…

She is here… WAITING FOR ME OUTSIDE!!!

HAHAHAHA!!! Something was extremely wrong!!!

“come in, I am seated on your right when you get in…” I say with the patience of an Arunga!

“we kuja unichukuwe!!!” she spits… almost annoyed!!

THERE WAS NO WAY IN HELL THIS WAS GOING TO WORK!!

I get up and walk towards the entrance… On my way I meet an uncle of mine who I always tell how BAD A PLAYA I am… HE asks what I am doing ‘here’ alone… I say I am meeting someone and give a ‘WINNING’ wink!! That was probably the biggest mistake I have made in my life!! My PLAYA status was about to be tarnished!

I walk out and three women are standing at the entrance… two of which are extremely beautiful… The third one was facing the opposite direction so I couldn’t tell.

I say a short quick prayer…

“Dear Lord let Lisa be the sexy one in the yellow sun dress…”

Ladies and gentlemen… GOD DOESNT ANSWER YES TO ALL PRAYERS!!

“Ian?” the OTHER chic calls out… So it wasnt the two beautiful ones!!

This one was a tad dark… Shes wasnt ati pretty… She was carrying a massive white handbag… and had a weave that was going to fall of with the slightest gust of wind!! She had a faded yellow vest and SKY BLUE jeans… She managed to put everything I don’t like on a woman in one outfit!!

BUT I WAS WILLING TO KNOW HER…

WE walk in… I IGNORE MY UNCLE COMPLETELY!!

We get talking…

She orders for ‘CHAI’!! HAHAHA! I almost laughed!! BUT CHAI WAS ON THE  MENU FOR REAL!!!

Chai comes and she can’t use the fancy sugar thingis… She pours the sugar all over herself…

This was getting a bit embarrassing!!

“so what do you do?” I ask…

“packages!’ SHe answers with the confidence of Samson!

WHAT THE HELL IS PACKAGES?!!! (ok I know what it is but COME OOOONNNNN!!)

She is talking at the top of her voice…

So I stop asking questions…. THIS WAS ANOTHER BIG MISTAKE!!! coz she starts telling her story!!

“so where do you live?” I ask to make her stop talking…

“OBANGO!!” again like Samson!!

WHERE THE HELL IS OBANGO??!

“where is that?” I ask politely…

“SAO!!” she answers and signals the waiter!!!

I WAS SCARED!!!

The waiter comes up and she order for another chai…

“sao?” I ask… feeling stupid!!

“haujui kariobangi south!!?” she ask in shock… STILL AT THE TOP OF HER VOICE!!

Everyone around is looking at us funny…

THIS DATE WAS NOT GOING ANYWHERE…

“I have to leave coz I have a meeting at 6 back in Westlands!” I lie…

“Usiwe hivyo…” she utters!

She finishes her second cup of chai in record 2 minutes then we leave!!

She asks me to take her to her stage to catch a bus home…

I hesitated… But I am a gentleman!

HER STAGE IS IN MUTHURWA!!!!! WHAT THE SEX!

She gets on a bus and waves frantically as I walk away…

p.s – DID I TELL YOU MY UNCLE ALMOST PISSED HIS PANTS LAUGHING!!!?

That was the last time I ever saw Lisa*…

Happy Birthday @ndinda_ this ones for you 🙂

 

CHURCH HEATHEN!

Dear Doris,

Have you been well my lovely? I hope so! So I have like 5 minutes to write this. I have a crazy deadline to meet but you know you have always come first!!

This is a quick story about today morning!!

So Baba wakes us up for devotion like always!! At 5:30 am. Normally i can tell who has gone downstairs with the footsteps!! I can tell when Baba goes down the stairs… followed by Mama… Then Mamima! Then my brother and I come down together!! Its been like that for almost 7 months now so its like clock work in my head!!

BUT today, Baba went down the stairs followed closely by Mama the Mamima… Then extra footsteps!! There

was someone else in this house that I didn’t know about!

We have visitors now and then… I love looking at their faces after they have been woken up at the crack of dawn for devotion!! I almost burst out into mocking laughter!

So I come down to the living room… Curious to see the extra heart beating under our roof!!

Its my sister’s friend!!

LET ME EXPLAIN THIS SCENE!!!

A strange pretty young thing in a t-shirt and a robe… Her hair is held neatly at the back like she had been getting ready for devotion for a while!! She crosses her leg!!  There was something very wrong with this scene!

Her left juicy thigh is in full sight… This is one of those things Jesus keeps on talking about!! TRIALS!!

So I am awake but my mind has drifted so far way. There is no difference between me and a man who is dead asleep at this point! A mans brain works backwards… If that even makes sense! We work from our successes backwards!! I have no idea what that means!

What I forgot was it was my turn to pray!  Mama called out “Iano pray for us…”

For a fraction of a second I HAD COMPLETELY NOTHING IN MY MIND!!

“huh!” I said as I rebooted my system that was now deep in the gutter!!

The prayer I uttered didn’t get far, Not an inch beyond my nose… My thoughts were sijui corrupted!!

It was something like this… “Dear God….. thighs thighs thighs… We come to you… thighs thighs thighs… blah blah blah… thighs thighs thighs!”

Ok Bye…

p.s If you are going to bring a PYT home… LET A BROTHER KNOW!!!

p.p.s this particular post doesn’t have a single spelling mistake!

 

YOUR MUMMY!

Dear Doris,

YOUR MOTHER!!

If you went through the 8-4-4 system you have probably come across that phrase!! Let me rephrase that, If you went through the 8-4-4 system you have definitely come across that phrase! It’s the rudest answer to any question!! Look at these examples:

Agnes: Hey Peter, who did I lend my pencil to?

Peter: Your Mother!!

Even if the answer is true, it still sounds rude!! Another example:

Tom: do you know the answer to number 6?

Dick: Your mother!!

There is a silent harshness to ‘MOTHER’ i think that’s why kids look for alternatives like mum, ma, mama, mummy… who calls their mother MOTHER in their face??

Ati “Hi mother, how are you today?”

This was always how fights started…

I remember my first fight like it was yesterday… Ok I am lying! I remember how it started and how I puked right after!!

My best friend Kuku and I were sitting on top of this tree that gave us a clear view of Puchi oiling her feet or changing. Puchi was the girl next door, she was like 10 years older than us!! We liked them older… p.s we were like 0.5 years old! So here we were, waiting for Puchi to walk in her room. Normally Kuku would come for me at my house when Puchi checked into the bathroom… Dont ask me how he knew!!

Puchi walks in… We stop talking!! Green towel…

Things were steaming up… She was combing her hair now!!

I think I got too excited and lost my balance and almost fell off the tree… I yelped, giving our position away!! Puchi drew her curtains and shouted, “I will tell your parents!!”

I had messed up our daily show… Forever. I know I messed up, I know!! Kuku was raging with anger! I didn’t know if it was because his parents were going to be informed about our short trailer or because we didn’t get to watch it to the end!! Then out of nowhere!!

“Your mother bana!!” He shouts!! his exact words were, “Minu bwana!” same thing, just in Italian!

Normally a punch across the face is necessary at this exact moment, but we were on top of a tree. I didn’t want to kill the guy, so I wait until we come down and I give him a straight hook on the nose!! This should have sent him flying across the road. He didn’t even twitch!! That’s when you know you are in  trouble; when you throw your best punch but does absolutely nothing to your opponent!! My mother would have been ashamed of me… I couldn’t event throw a punch that could defend her honor!!

The rest of that fight is a blur… Clearly I was fighting a sasquach! My memory is back-I am puking my ass off at my door. Kuku has a crowd forming around him!! I am here dying and the only person who cares is my little sister who asks in an innocent voice… “Kuku has beaten you?”

I lost my first fight!! I promised myself I would kill him!! I even asked the house-help for the sharpest knife we had… I just needed to mark it incase I had to use it…

Kuku was at my door at 7am the next day…

“Puchi lwokore!” which means Puchi is showering… I don’t know when you will ever learn Italian!!

This boy was good… I thought about pushing him off the tree but Puchi naked was far more important!! Plus it was Sunday, her boyfriend was coming over… these were the best shows, they were way longer **,

If you are wondering, YES, those are their real names!!!

 

VICIOUS CHAIN

Dear God, Doris and Ruman,

Dear God,

We havent talked much lately… I know we wake up to chat at 5am but I am always half asleep… and you know it!!I can’t remember the last time I asked you for anything because you have been good to me. A beautiful family friends and a beautiful woman. And just now I sent money to a wrong number and you made sure that wrong number belonged to the kindest of women who sent back the whole amount and called to ask if I got it… A total stranger!!

You are a good Man.

Amen!

Dear Doris,

We have been together a long a long while now. Through thick and thin you stood by my side. Without you I wouldn’t be able to tell the world this:

Dearest Ruman,

I love you to bits. I cant imagine living my life with anyone else =)

Happy 23rd Tuesday Anniversary.

wako,

Mimi

 

HELP ME UNDERSTAND

Dearest Doris,

I write this with utmost sadness. As I write this letter I am totally in the balance about where our relationship sits. I wrote you two letters early last week which went unreplied. I am trying to figure out what is going on but I have nothing. 

Your friend Ms. Danielle wrote me a letter which i received yesterday. She has never written to me before or have we talked on occasions earlier than today. Her letter brought tears upon my eyes. I refused to believe the content of that letter. My Doris, I know I have been gone long, I know I haven't been a perfect husband and I know in me you do not see a perfect father. But that is never a reason to sleep with someone else. My heart split open as I read about this on a piece of paper. I read it over and over again, each time praying to God to change those words….

My Doris, I have suffered many a losses in my short life. I have watched people crawl into my life and leap right out. I have seen it all. I have but one problem, I have never learnt how to hold on to someone tight enough to be comfortable when they leave. I don't know how not to hold tight. My heart breaks every-time, but I never learn. My love, I beg you, please tell me you have been faithful-and if you have my love, i kindly ask you to send me a letter. A blank letter. Write nothing on it. I know in my heart that I have loved you right, I put first, I have never hit you or raised my voice at you. I have never cheated on you, I have given you everything you have asked me for. I don't know how not to love you. I have loved you how the Bible has taught me to… yes I have.

I sit in silence, the hot coffee now cold and lifeless. I drift away every time I think about you, your touch and your kiss… my breath gets caught when I think about you. You are beautiful. Why are you so scared and apprehensive, so defensive and withdrawn? I keep getting a fresh cup of coffee, and I keep forgetting its there. 

I agree, what we have had hasn't been perfect. But then again, what is perfect? A woman with long hair living in a tall tower and throws down her hair whenever her lover comes over? Or a woman forgetting her glass slipper behind only to be found by a prince who brings it to her and they live happily ever after?? My love, what is perfect?! 

I think I have said enough! The more I write, the tighter I hold you in my heart. That is a dangerous place to be. I have always fought for you,I promised never to give up on us no matter how far apart we were. I once read a quote by Goethe that said, "When you feel like giving up, remember why you held on for so long in the first place." I held on knowing you would love me as much as I do you, and there is no reason to hold on if that is absent.

I think about you all the time. I love you. I want you. I need you.

Yours Faithfully in Love,

Ian