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WHEN TO USE YOUR MIDDLE FINGER!

30 Sep

My Love Doris,

I really have bad manners. I apologise. It has been over a month since I last wrote… And I do not have an excuse! Does love have an excuse? Dos it ever? Please don’t stop talking to me because I am not sure if I will survive it. I am certain I have enough FluGone to silence my heart… It is dangerous having a 12 capsule drug that treats you on its 3rd capsule… So many pills lying around… This is no threat my love… If anything, it is my unDYING love!

Enough!

So I haven’t written all this while because I have been thoroughly involved in the planning of the Storymoja Festival that ran 5 days, from 17th to the 21st of September. I swear to whomever you are most comfortable swearing to that I have never seen anything like that. It was amazing I tell you. It was a lot of work though. We barely slept at Storymoja during that period and before. Hundreds of local and international guests… 80 interns and a team of barely 20 men and women with 5 walkie talkies and thousands of literature lovers to satisfy. The only time I had to rest, Saturday night, was spent jumping and dancing at the Sauti Sol, Berry Heart, Dizraeli & Airosh (did I spell that right?) concert! I have ripped 12 trousers dancing to Sauti Sol… 12 my guy! So be advised that Sauti Sol time… Is gym time! I realised that was a terrible idea when I couldn’t move my waist Sunday morning!

This was me at the Sauti Sol concert at the Storymoja Festival

This was me at the Sauti Sol concert at the Storymoja Festival

If I continue telling you about the Storymoja Festival now, I will not have enough time to tell you what I had planned to tell you. I will leave a link at the bottom though!

This same night, driving home extremely tired, after dancing non stop for about 2 hours to Sauti Sol then later clearing up the Festival site for the next/last day, a man tries my patience!

A blue Subaru Impreza swerves then overtakes me just before I get onto Uhuru Highway at Museum Hill. I forgive the poor soul and try to convince myself that maybe I was on the wrong… Then the idiot screeches to a halt right in front of me. I swear if I was not such a deadly driver I would have torn off the Impreza’s ass! I got so close to him that I could see my plate reflect off his car!

My Esmeralda (my car) is kind and loving and for this reason she refuses to hoot! She decides to let out a faint snore instead. I almost broke the hoot button! The idiot ignores and speeds off!

At this point I was determined to wave my middle fingers at this idiot. So I spend most of my 700 bob worth of fuel trying to catch up to this guy! Subarus do not ati move slowly!

I meet him at the University Way Roundabout at a red light… I roll down my window and I wave both my middle fingers at him! I discovered this was a big mistake when the idiot rolled down his window… Slowlllyyyy. He was a big man! His head was massive. I quickly rolled up my window and waited for the traffic light counter to turn green!

Jeff Koinange and I after he autographed my copy of Through my African Eyes.

Jeff Koinange and I after he autographed my copy of Through my African Eyes.

The counter turned green… I didn’t move an inch… The Subaru didn’t either! (My plan was to let him go! Bad plan… And no plan B)

I shifted to gear one then shot! I was over 100km/h in no time… The Subaru was right behind me not even trying ati to speed! He kept on making his car make those loud Subaru noises behind me! The palm of my hands were drenched in sweat before we got to Haile Selassie roundabout! The man maintained the short distance between him and Esmeralda. His headlights were full… It was like he was trying to kill vampires with them.

I skip the red light on Haile  Selassie roundabout and almost hit another car. The guy still behind me.

Now you see I have heard about this road rage story… People shooting each other and other scary things like that. I was not about that. I had just bought an autographed copy of Jeff Koinange’s book, Through my African Eyes, that cost me about 4,000/- and there was no way in hell I was going to die before I at least went through the pictures… At least! I hit Bunyala/Uhuru Highway roundabout at breakneck speed. But I do not go past it. I go all the way round to see if the guy would follow me… He does! I almost piss my pants!

My unplanned, plan B, had hit the wall.

I decide to drive to my house and tell the watchmen to close the gates, which I now see was a terrible plan as well… But adrenaline makes you do stupid things!

I am blind… I can barely see at night. That information is very important for you to fathom what goes on the next paragraph!

Just hanging out with Bob Collymore and Rashida Namulondo at the Storymoja Festival.

Just hanging out with Bob Collymore and Rashida Namulondo from Uganda at the Storymoja Festival.

I go round the roundabout and shoot through Uhuru Highway towards Nyayo Stadium Roundabout… Or so I thought. I had taken a wrong exit. I was on Aerodrome Road at 100km/h. Driving towards traffic on a one way road. Thank Jesus Christ it was at 2am and only two cars were on the road… 3 cars, if you count the Subaru Impreza behind me! The huge male adult must have thought I was absolutely mad! That’s why I was convinced at that point that I was a dead man… Not everyone tolerates middle fingers waving at them!

The man slows down a bit… I don’t! I get to the Madaraka Roundabout and turn into Madaraka without slowing down. I look at my rear view mirror and couldn’t see the guy! I make a dangerous turn into Madaraka Shopping Centre almost killing a couple that I suspect were making out in the dark in the middle of the road! Children!

I park at a corner and turn off my engine and lights! I look around… Nothing! The couple I almost hit are now walking towards me, furious! MORE FUCKIN’ PROBLEMS!

I apologise to the guy who at that point, needed his woman to see that he was BAD. They leave me alone!

On my rear view mirror I spot Hassan, the sausage choma guy packing up. I leave the car and run to him. If there was anyone who was going to save me that night… It was him. I have eaten enough of his sausage chomas to deserve it! (that sentence sounds nasty). He has a sausage choma left with a few kuku chomas. I ask him to make me one. He gets a bun and slowly slices it… The picks up a frankfurter and slices it in half then puts it neatly into the bun.

“Bila kachumbari kama kawaida?” he asks. (I am allergic to onions)

“Ndio!” I answer. I grab it before he could suggest ketchup and chilli sauce to be added onto it! I take a bit… It was at that second that I spotted the Subaru with the side of my eye. It would have been appropriate for the sausage choma to fall at this point but the thing is 100 bob, and I do not shit money!

The guy parked right next to my car. He then came out of his car and tucked in his shirt that was being pushed out by his stomach.

I started thinking fast. I had not been in a one on one fight for years. And I had never been on a one on one fight with a man that big!!! I was surely going to die!

Hanging out with cool people still at the Storymoja Festival. I am the guy with a cool head and butt out!

Hanging out with cool people still at the Storymoja Festival. I am the guy with a cool head and butt out!

The man slowly walked to where I stood. The bite I had taken of the sausage choma became hotter and hotter with every step he made. His legs were bowed and back arched. I spat out the sausage choma. No one wants to get punched on the face with sausage choma in their mouth!

“Hassan unajua huyu kurutu!?” The man asks and picks up a piece of chicken! He then salts the chicken… Then bites it! His eyes are stuck on mine.

You know when your life flashes before your eyes just before death? I was so scared I couldn’t even get my life to flash before my eyes.

“Customer wangu sana!” Hassan responds not knowing I was planning to jump on him incase shit went down!

The man was done with a quarter piece of chicken in three bites. He spat out clean chicken bones, his eyes still on mine.

“Kula sausage!” he ordered me. I took a bite of my sausage choma but didn’t chew. I swallowed it exactly the way it was. I almost died!

I have no clue where I got balls from but I did somehow. I started walking to my car. With my sausage choma tightly held in my left hand, I got into Esmeralda threw the sausage choma on the co-drivers seat and SHOT! I drove past my house like devils lived in that compound. I drove past Strathmore University which is like 40 blocks after mine. I drove up until I got to Mbagathi way. I then went into T-Mall and waited in the basement parking for half an hour, then slowly drove home! I parked right at the back of the apartment buildings and almost removed my plates.

I whistled as I walked up to my house praying all the prayers in the world. I wasn’t even worried about the sausage choma I had just left on my seat… Life is bigger than sausage choma!

I will post this version now but will make a few grammatical and spelling changes once @Owaahh edits it whenever!

Dear Subaru guy, if you are reading this, I am really sorry… Let’s not fight anymore! I am a really cool guy. I was just stressed with work that night. I swear!

In case you missed the Storymoja Festival:

http://www.storymojafestival.com

http://blog.storymojafestival.com

http://www.mmegi.bw/index.php?aid=46198

http://www.standardmedia.co.ke/entertainment/article/2000135576/imagining-the-world-at-kenya-s-premier-annual-literary-event-storymoja-festival

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23 Comments

Posted by on September 30, 2014 in comedy

 

Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

23 responses to “WHEN TO USE YOUR MIDDLE FINGER!

  1. Victor

    September 30, 2014 at 10:50 pm

    HahahAaaaaaaa!!! Are you kidding me? Lol 😂😂😂😂😂. My chest swelled like a thousand times being one of those Subaru heads. I should buy you one at Hassan’s bruv 😄. Love this one.

     
  2. Kare

    September 30, 2014 at 11:21 pm

    LOL!! Yours is a comical life…but you should know people! You’ve made my night…great read, as always!!

     
  3. mnkatha38

    October 1, 2014 at 5:48 am

    Haha, made my early morning

    Don’t be pulling disappearing acts like that

     
  4. Ekayn

    October 1, 2014 at 8:36 am

    hahaha! ati ”No one wants to get punched on the face with sausage choma in their mouth!” hahaha totally made my morning

     
  5. Owaahh

    October 1, 2014 at 10:10 am

    Hahahaha! How you have survived this far is a surprise. Hehehe, apparently, not only the strong survive, In your face! Evolution!
    Email me a .docx copy.

     
  6. kibalimoreithi

    October 1, 2014 at 10:56 am

    Hahaha! This is what you get, for not crediting me for ensuring you and the rest of the revellers had a great time at that Start A Library gig! The gods were mad, now appease them by bringing lunch!

     
  7. cindy

    October 1, 2014 at 11:18 am

    so did u eat the sausage choma the next day when the huge guy was not around? If you dont stop the dry spells i will send the huge guy after you.

     
  8. ess

    October 1, 2014 at 11:19 am

    seriously!!! this is some serious shit!

     
  9. Peter Opondo Outa

    October 1, 2014 at 12:39 pm

    Awesome and too too too funny. have forwarded your apology

     
  10. Hinga Waiyaki

    October 1, 2014 at 2:40 pm

    Ha ha! ha ha! ha! well written to the point you are juxtaposed into the situation..
    Blue impreza sounds like someone I know…

     
  11. Joshua W Joseph (@joejoshw)

    October 1, 2014 at 3:43 pm

    Nice one….hehehe

     
  12. mmnjug

    October 1, 2014 at 4:17 pm

    Are you kiddin’ me…. Hahaha hahahaha! Do you not know how Subie drivers are crazy? Hahahah!

     
  13. Nyathini

    October 2, 2014 at 10:44 am

    Hahaha, I know the choma sausage guy at mada shopping centre, he feeds my entire family on Friday nights….My hubby my son and I on the bench eating to our guts fill!!!!

    I will convey your apology!

     
    • mydeardoris

      October 2, 2014 at 11:04 am

      I know that bench! Next time ask him about the tall guy in glasses who comes late in the night almost everyday!

       
  14. Meg

    October 2, 2014 at 1:46 pm

    I hope now that this year’s festival is over you shall start writing more frequently. We, the hundreds of people that think we might be Doris (or her sister) missed you. 😊

     
  15. Meg

    October 2, 2014 at 1:47 pm

    I hope now that this year’s festival is over you shall start writing more frequently. We, the hundreds of people that think we might be Doris (or her sister) missed you. 🙂

     
    • mydeardoris

      October 2, 2014 at 1:58 pm

      Hehehee. I am here! I will write another tomorrow!

       
      • keikeyckay

        October 8, 2014 at 2:03 pm

        8/10/14…..waiting…great read as always.

         
  16. Lynn Muhoro

    October 3, 2014 at 12:49 am

    Haha hilarious this made my night

     
  17. basweti

    October 7, 2014 at 1:44 am

    Hahaaha Ian you make my days. Count yourself a lucky man.

     
  18. jnttnem0

    October 8, 2014 at 3:25 pm

    Hahahahah road rage for days!! Hahahaha, if only you could reach out and slap someone

     
  19. awinomagawa

    October 9, 2014 at 7:39 pm

    Always waiting for another one from you

     
  20. Mangla

    October 28, 2014 at 12:34 pm

    HAHAHAHAHA!!! Too hillarious

     

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