Dear Doris,
Just to warn you before I go any further, I am extremely confused as I write this letter. A lot of things my not make sense and some might not even be relevant. But all in all, please read it to the end, it might just make sense at the last sentence. I know you never read my letters to the bottom because on your replies, no question I ask on the second paragraph onwards is never answered. But it is ok my love. Who am I to tell you what to read and what not to read?!
A random memory; as a kid our house help Rhoda told me that if I flashed the toilet I would grow taller. I was a naughty child; you can ask any of my mothers! For the longest time I flashed the toilet 3 times after doing the poo poo and twice after susu. Then I would stand straight against the wall and mark how tall I had grown with charcoal! The weird thing is that I was growing taller and fast… I increased to 4 flashes after poo poo and three after susu. I am now taller than the average human and it scares me that Rhoda might have been right! The only thing I think she lied to me about was if I did all my homework I would be president! I am still waiting on that one.
Doris, we don’t talk anymore like we used to? People are starting to talk! Someone asked me today if we are divorced! I am actually starting to think we are my love! I know we have our differences but I believe our love is way stronger than whatever differences two people would go through!
Let me brighten up this letter!
So I have finally decided I am not a normal child. People have problems I know, me I have ALL THE PROBLEMS! I have always wondered why my brother calls me Looney but I finally came into agreement with his statement when I started going through my journals!
- an obituary page
I have A LOT of journals! My life from 10 to 20 is depicted in writing! I had like 25 journals until I started moving houses a lot and can only find six WHICH IS SO FUCKIN* SCARY! Someone somewhere is probably reading about how I lost my virginity… The only comforting detail I have is my terrible handwriting. At some point of my life I was the only one that could read my handwriting until I started getting paid to write letters to girls in high school and people complained! I am glad to say my handwriting is now the best in my bedroom!
Like I was saying…. I was going through my journals which I have decided I will share with you… ok scratch the sharing part!
I was going through this particular journal (Feb 2007-Oct 2007), which was dedicated to my mother. Most of it was the normal stuff, sex, women, college and more women oh and a suicidal note, which I will share with you on my next, post ITS HILARIOUS!
- the late Dr. Diehard Emilio
Moving on! Everything was making sense until I came to the last pages of the book… here is where I knew I needed a doctor! Like the last 10pages were full of dead mosquitoes stuck on them using transparent tape! I KNOW RIGHT!!!! But that is not the weird part: under each mosquito was an obituary! AT SOME POINT OF MY LIFE I ACTUALLY SPENT TIME ON KILLING MOSQUITOS, TAPING THEM ON A BOOK AND WRITING TEIR OBITUARIES!!!
You are not the only one thinking I need help right now!
I have an excuse for this abnormal activity. The house I stayed in at the time had a school of mosquitos every night that were completely immune to insecticide! I tried everything! Even the burning coiled thing, which almost killed me coz of all the fumes! A mosquito net was out of the question because these insects were like the SWAT! They would find a way in and they would come at you with everything they got! In a night I would slap dead more than 20 mosquitoes!
You know how annoying it is when you have a mosquito buzzing in your room at night? Well try to imagine 50 of them buzzing at the same time… its like Mozart and Akon doing a piece together!
So I decided to make killing mosquitos fun by collecting them and writing their obituaries, which was extremely fun! I gave them names and manner of death and fundraiser dates and all… YOU THINK I AM MAD HUH!?
I am listening to Coming home by Sauti Sol which is by far my favorite jam!
“popote ulipoooooo, ninakuwaza mamaaa”
- The Late Nishike Nisijinyonge
(This is dedicated to @Kirigongarua who showed concern about the probable separation between Doris and I)
Dear Doris 