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Category Archives: my art

MY MOSQUITO OBITUARIES


Dear Doris,

Just to warn you before I go any further, I am extremely confused as I write this letter. A lot of things my not make sense and some might not even be relevant. But all in all, please read it to the end, it might just make sense at the last sentence. I know you never read my letters to the bottom because on your replies, no question I ask on the second paragraph onwards is never answered. But it is ok my love. Who am I to tell you what to read and what not to read?!

A random memory; as a kid our house help Rhoda told me that if I flashed the toilet I would grow taller. I was a naughty child; you can ask any of my mothers! For the longest time I flashed the toilet 3 times after doing the poo poo and twice after susu. Then I would stand straight against the wall and mark how tall I had grown with charcoal! The weird thing is that I was growing taller and fast… I increased to 4 flashes after poo poo and three after susu. I am now taller than the average human and it scares me that Rhoda might have been right! The only thing I think she lied to me about was if I did all my homework I would be president! I am still waiting on that one.

Doris, we don’t talk anymore like we used to? People are starting to talk! Someone asked me today if we are divorced! I am actually starting to think we are my love! I know we have our differences but I believe our love is way stronger than whatever differences two people would go through!

Let me brighten up this letter!

So I have finally decided I am not a normal child. People have problems I know, me I have ALL THE PROBLEMS! I have always wondered why my brother calls me Looney but I finally came into agreement with his statement when I started going through my journals!

an obituary page
an obituary page

I have A LOT of journals! My life from 10 to 20 is depicted in writing! I had like 25 journals until I started moving houses a lot and can only find six WHICH IS SO FUCKIN* SCARY! Someone somewhere is probably reading about how I lost my virginity… The only comforting detail I have is my terrible handwriting. At some point of my life I was the only one that could read my handwriting until I started getting paid to write letters to girls in high school and people complained! I am glad to say my handwriting is now the best in my bedroom!

Like I was saying…. I was going through my journals which I have decided I will share with you… ok scratch the sharing part!

I was going through this particular journal (Feb 2007-Oct 2007), which was dedicated to my mother. Most of it was the normal stuff, sex, women, college and more women oh and a suicidal note, which I will share with you on my next, post ITS HILARIOUS!

the late Dr. Diehard Emilio
the late Dr. Diehard Emilio

Moving on! Everything was making sense until I came to the last pages of the book… here is where I knew I needed a doctor! Like the last 10pages were full of dead mosquitoes stuck on them using transparent tape! I KNOW RIGHT!!!! But that is not the weird part: under each mosquito was an obituary! AT SOME POINT OF MY LIFE I ACTUALLY SPENT TIME ON KILLING MOSQUITOS, TAPING THEM ON A BOOK AND WRITING TEIR OBITUARIES!!!

You are not the only one thinking I need help right now!

I have an excuse for this abnormal activity. The house I stayed in at the time had a school of mosquitos every night that were completely immune to insecticide! I tried everything! Even the burning coiled thing, which almost killed me coz of all the fumes! A mosquito net was out of the question because these insects were like the SWAT! They would find a way in and they would come at you with everything they got! In a night I would slap dead more than 20 mosquitoes!


You know how annoying it is when you have a mosquito buzzing in your room at night? Well try to imagine 50 of them buzzing at the same time… its like Mozart and Akon doing a piece together!

So I decided to make killing mosquitos fun by collecting them and writing their obituaries, which was extremely fun! I gave them names and manner of death and fundraiser dates and all… YOU THINK I AM MAD HUH!?

I am listening to Coming home by Sauti Sol which is by far my favorite jam!

“popote ulipoooooo, ninakuwaza mamaaa”

The Late Nishike Nisijinyonge
The Late Nishike Nisijinyonge

 (This is dedicated to @Kirigongarua who showed concern about the probable separation between Doris and I)

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Posted by on February 27, 2012 in comedy, love, my art, near death

 

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UNDERWARE RECORDS


Dear Doris,

So I was on TV this morning… Baby I need you to calm down… Yes, I too was excited but you have to relax… Let me finish my story…

I was on TV (KTN UNRISE LIVE) with my boy Jaq, this one @le_Cleric talking about THE BOGOF, some event we do together… But thats not the story… So I was pretty excited, wore my best pair of shoes… One of the many pairs I bought WHEN I WAS IN THE UK… Ok maybe it was the only pair I got… I also wore my lucky boxers… I have had them for 5 years, I have worn them 6 times though… They look newer than the rest of the pack… I SWEAR!

First time I wore them was the morning I went for a job Interview at EABL… I GOT IT…

The second time was when I was going to quit the same job… IT WENT GREAT…

ok, this is a sketch of the chic at KTN (YELLOW YELLOW HEAVY HEAVY)

ok, this is a sketch of the chic at KTN (YELLOW YELLOW HEAVY HEAVY)

The third was when I was asking Adhiambo* out… I had been planning this moment from primary school… SHE SAID YES!!

The fourth time was a random night I broke the door to my aunt’s new car… AS IN IT FELL OFF after ramming

into a pillar… SHE WAS PROUD OF ME FOR TAKING CHARGE ( i was rushing my cousin to hospital) and the fifth was the night I quit drinking… I ran over some guy on Waiyaki way, I was kite high… HE LIVED! and the sixth… well, today! The interview went well! By well I mean the camera chic was YELLOW YELLOW HEAVY HEAVY! Well, I will hold on to this bit until Monday. They are by Nickelodeon (the boxers), bright orange with Scooby Doo’s face at the back…

I am very serious by the way!

Moving on swiftly…

So I have been on TV 3 times… You are looking at me like you have topped that… YOU NEED TO CALM

DOWN!!!

The first time; I am not sure about this one; was when my dad died and the media was all over the place!! I decided I appeared on TV. I was 9 and I needed this information for school… The appearing on TV part!! No single soul believed me… I DIDNT EVEN HAVE A BICYCLE, THERE WAS NO CHANCE I WOULD HAVE BEEN ON TV… That was their argument! Only Shyrose believed me… My then soulmate… I mean Indian soulmate! But I think she was just trying to keep me… I was a catch. I mean, I am a catch!! A scout!! BOY IN UNIFORM!! hahahaha!! Plus I would have dumped her ass if she, for any reason decided she didnt see me on

TV…

Moving on…

The second time was quite tragic… I was caught in the cross-hairs! I had one to town after being warned by my mother not to!! The hawkers all over Nairobi were fighting with the GSU. GSU are not very friendly people… Rubber bullets and tear gas canisters were flying left and right!! SO MY MATATUS FOR GOING BACK HOME WERE ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE STREET (read as, where the GSU guys were).

My brain drifted into overdrive… “i am no hawker, they will not do shit to me!” I thought as I majestically walked

TO THE OTHER SIDE!! I WAS MADDD!!!

To make this short… A ear gas canister was shot at me!! IT HIT MY BACK LIKE A TONE OF ANYTHING YOU CONSIDER HEAVY!! I ran across town screaming like a girl!!

I made the 7 O’clock news headlines!! This was after lying to my mother that  I was asleep the whole day!!

 
 

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