Masaku 7s Sex Video

Dear Doris,

I have to write this really quickly! I do not have much time.

You were in my dreams last night. It was so vivid I could smell you. In the dream you did not say a single word! You did not smile or laugh. You stood right at the centre of my living room in a pink dress and no shoes. The wind would blow into the house, vigorously sending the curtains off the railings. Your hair danced to the wind. You were looking straight into my eyes. You just stood there. But you were not there when I woke up in the morning. A coffee table stood erect where you stood in my dream. The windows were closed and the curtains intact.

If you seriously think this has anything to do with Masaku 7’s then I strongly advise you stop reading here and go back to work or back to whatever you were doing before! But you can read on, I promise is is a good story!

My story is set at Oil Libya Westlands. The date is July 1st 2014 and the time is 9:55pm.

I was at Oil Libya buying pizza. If you buy a pizza from Pizza Inn on Tuesdays, you get another one for free. And this is what I was gunning for. I was also there to buy muffins!

A picture I got online when I Googled Masaku 7s

I walk up to the counter that was not as crowded as I had expected. Two Arabs were ahead of me. Lovers! I knew because of how the Arab man was holding the Arab woman’s waist. The Arab woman was tiny. She was pretty. She would tilt her head backwards every now and then so it would lie on the Arab man’s chest. They would look each other in the eye and burst out into indecent giggles. If the lights would go off at that moment and everyone absent, they would have probably had sex right there on the floor! I was sick from the sight of them. This is because Nairobi temperatures as low as 12* and I was standing right there, freezing my tiny ass off knowing very well I was going home to a pair of cold sheets and two pairs of cold pillows and a duvet that was purposeless and no Arab woman to share body heat with and yet these two were here having sex in their minds! I was utterly jealous! Yes I said it! I wanted an Arab woman who could put her head on my chest also!

But that is not my story! After the short dark lady behind the counter told me to wait 8 minutes, I walked to the mini shop to get my muffins then I sat at a table where I could not see two Arabs. We were separated by two magazine racks. But I could still hear them laugh! It ripped me apart!

In the midst of all this pandemonium of emotions, a guard walks in holding a white board with a number plate written on it! Normally this happens when a car that needs to leave has been blocked by another car! I couldn’t remember blocking anyone so I was least bothered by the limping guard! The whole place had less than 10 people so when no one got up to go ‘unblock’ whoever, I suspected I was the one blocking! I am blind so I could not see the writings on the board. I walked up to the guard and saw my plate number. I got out and moved my car to a different spot then went back in to wait for my pizzas. Please stay with me because this story is about to hit the roof!

I walked to my car with my pizzas and muffins. Thing is I was at the spot I had packed before I moved the car. And the craziest coincidence is, the car that was parked there was exactly like my own. The make. The colour. The everything!

Without being bothered, I got me keys out and opened the door (PLEASE BE ADVISED THAT I STILL HAVEN’T REALIZED THAT THIS IS NOT MY CAR) I put the pizzas and muffins on the co drivers seat that looked darker than usual. I stuck my keys into the ignition and the car burst out into a soft roar!

Shit hit me when I tried changing gears. The car was an automatic! Mine is a manual! At that point, I think, I vomited a little in my mouth! Everything was spinning so fast like I was drunk!

Hanging on my rear view mirror are two orange tiny sandals. This particular car had a tiny perfumed bottle. I looked at the back seat just to confirm my horrors. My back seat has a brown trench coat, my laptop bag, a leather folder and a burgundy woolen scarf! The car I was in had nothing at all on the back seat!

I turned the car off and looked out my window, the Arab couple were standing there, looking at me, the woman holding two pizza boxes!

My car has really dark tinted windows and for a man with my eyesight, it is almost impossible to see outside… But I could see these two so clearly! Tint free windows!

I slowly got out of the car and shut the door behind me! My plan was to start by apologizing and point at my car! But I just stood there. I could not move a single muscle. Do you remember when you were in primary school and you were called into the head teacher’s office because you were hitting mangoes with stones? You know that temporary paralysis that is ignited by absolute fear? I was there rooted on the spot! Trying to figure out how my car keys opened another car (second time this has happened)!

“Are you a car thief?” The Arab man asked! The ringing in my head was so loud I did not hear what he said… I read his lips.

The guy was bigger than me. Way bigger than I was. With one shove, he sent me on the ground! I sat on the ground leaning on my car’s doppelgänger! The woman looked at me and sneered! The man got his phone out and said he was calling the cops to teach me a lesson! A small crowd had formed around me at this time. This was because the Arab man had called a taxi guy loudly saying he had caught a car thief.

I cannot remember what was going through my mind at that time! I am not even sure if anything went through my mind!

The Arab guy was on the phone speaking at the top of his voice, like his phone was a mile away! He spoke in ‘Arab’! But after every minute or so, he would say, ‘tumemshika!’ If I had anything at all in my bladder, I would have let it out at this point!

When my paralysis finally wore off, I tried to explain that my car was at the far end of the parking lot and looked exactly like this one!

“Si mara ya kwanza wameiba gari hapa!” The guard who had the board earlier said! The crowd was getting bigger and fast! I plan to die of old age in a ranch somewhere in Wales, owning 1000 sheep and 400 horses and a few luxury cars… Not at a petrol station by mob justice in Nairobi! But at that moment, dying at a petrol station in Nairobi was more realistic!

I give the Arab man my keys and point at my car and tell him to go try opening it!

My car does not have that, ‘chwi chwi’ alarm thing for opening cars. It is manual. You have to stick your key in and twist! And sometimes, i jams! And this time, the only time I needed it not to jam, it jammed! The Arab man comes back really mad!

“Haifungui! Wanichezea?!” He asks. I ask him to give it to me so I do it by myself! He throws the keys at me and I walk to the car. The whole crowd follows me!

The guy had tried to open the door so hard that he had bent my keys!

I put the key in… Then twisted.. Nothing!

My car is called Esmeralda, and sometimes when I talk to her, she listens. I took the keys out… Took a deep breath… Then in my head, “Behave Esmeralda!”

Like an obidient child… It listened…

“Ni master-key!” Someone from the crowd shouted!

“Tutajuaje ni gari yako?” Another person said! Niggaz were hungry for my blood!

I explained that my backseat had a trench coat, a burgundy scarf, a leather folder and a laptop bag. I told the Arab guy to take out my laptop and he would see my name when he opened it! I showed him my ID beforehand as proof that I am Ian Arunga!

The Arab guy got into my bag and threw things all over the place. My Apple magic mouse dropped on the cemented lot. MY APPLE MAGIC MOUSE!!!

The guy yanks out my laptop and opens it! ‘Ian Sketch’!

He throws the computer on my back seat like it was a free product.

“Ako sawa!” He says and walks to his car. I follow him!

“Pizza zangu!?” I order! He hands me my things and I walk back to my car! Everyone is looking at me funny! The whole place had come to a standstill.

On my way home, while listening to the ‘Ligi Soo Remix’ by Rabbit I had downloaded earlier in the day (which is extremely cool with multiple crazy punchlines) my grandfather calls and tells me my uncle Dr. Okoth from Karabondi is dead! I have no clue who Dr. Okoth is!

“The early bird catches the worm, I am way ahead, ukianza kuamka mi nimeanza ku-deworm!” Wangechi (Ligi Sooo Remix)

Happy Birthday Jennifer (@hiuko)

 

 

 

Nishike

My Lovely Doris,

It has been a long while while since I wrote last. I miss you dearly. My heart skips several beats at the thought of your beauty… The thought of your lips against mine… The thought of your skin on mine!

I have not had time to write to you lately! I have stories for you though. There is one about a matatu dropping me off near a grave yard it the dead of the night because I didn’t have change for 1000 bob and another one where I was in the same compound with Shebesh and Sonko and there were gunshots and 1000 women screaming and shouting… At that same compound a policeman with a gun asked me to switch off the music we were listening to because it was too loud! But that one is for another day!

This is a letter I received at the beginning of this year. Another woman who is convinced she is Doris. She will state a few things she claims we did together! Do not believe her!

Dear Ian,

You’re weird! I like weird! I love weird! I would choose weird any day.

Life has never let me choose though. If it had I would not be writing to you with tears in my eyes afraid that you are forgetting about me. I would wake up next to your freakishly long legs every morning… and other long things I remember about you. I would still be playing with your bee sting nipples on Saturday mornings while you read me funny comments on askreddit. I would be falling asleep on your chest while we watch a movie every night. We would be sharing a smoke after ruining dinner because we were busy catching a quickie. I would be wearing nothing under your t-shirt while we watch Boondocks on Sunday morning. I would be with you….

Remember our last night together? You tried singing to me. God, you have the worst voice. That didn’t stop you though; I have always loved that about you. That was one of the many nights we chose to stay in together rather than be out getting drunk and dirty with our friends. My friends were starting to complain by the way. I wore that red t-shirt of yours, that one that you always hated me for wearing because you had wanted to wear it too? Yes, that one.  Oh and you should stop looking for it, I took it with me. Your laugh was louder that night, your kisses deeper and your touch more gentle. Something was different about us that night. It was like we were not afraid to be vulnerable anymore, like nothing but us mattered. I had never been so certain of my love for you like I was on that day. As days pass, I am more convinced that I will never feel any different for you.

I hate that I had to leave but I kept something that will always remind me of that night. I kept a star from that night that shines brighter every day. Her name is Gian. She is lovely!

Something bothers me, you are not writing to me as much as you used to. You are even letting other men write to me, I don’t hate the attention. Worse, you wrote to Adele! The latter arouses very many different shades of jealous in me. What is happening to your feelings for me? Surely you are not going to forget about me, are you? I would hate to not have your letters to hug tight at night when my husband sleeps over at his third wife’s house. We need to talk; our talk has been long overdue. I am afraid, however, that I might not go back to my husband’s house if I so much as get a two second hug from you…. Aaaah your hugs! Those used to feel so good.

Please find a good woman to take care of you. I hear you are becoming thinner and are beginning to look sickly. I wish I could cook for you again but… well, responsibilities. Every once in a while I will sneak away for a smoke in honor of what we used to be. I hope you found your monglinyo, sorry had to put that somewhere.

I have to go make dinner and practice my happy look for when he comes…if he comes.

I luv you!

Yours now and forever,

The Real Doris

 

Romance…

My Lovely Doris,

Don’t expect me to be sane anymore. Don’t let’s be sensible. I can’t see how I can go on living away from you—these intermissions are death. How did it seem to you when your husband came back? Was I still there? I can’t picture you moving about with him as you did with me. Legs closed. Frailty. Sweet, treacherous acquiescence. Bird docility. You became a woman with me. I was almost terrified by it. You are not just thirty years old—you are a thousand years old.

Here I am back and still smouldering with passion, like wine smoking. Not a passion any longer for flesh, but a complete hunger for you, a devouring hunger. I read the paper about suicides and murders and I understand it all thoroughly. I feel murderous, suicidal. I feel somehow that it is a disgrace to do nothing, to just bide one’s time, to take it philosophically, to be sensible. Where has gone the time when men fought, killed, died for a glove, a glance, etc?

I still hear you singing in the kitchen—a sort of inharmonic, monotonous Cuban wail. I know you’re happy in the kitchen and the meal you’re cooking is the best meal we ever ate together. I know you would scald yourself and not complain. I feel the greatest peace and joy sitting in the dining room listening to you rustling about, your dress like the goddess Indra studded with a thousand eyes.

My lovely Doris, I only thought I loved you before; it was nothing like this certainty that’s in me now. Was all this so wonderful only because it was brief and stolen? Were we acting for each other, to each other? Was I less I, or more I, and you less or more you? Is it madness to believe that this could go on? When and where would the drab moments begin? I study you so much to discover the possible flaws, the weak points, the danger zones. I don’t find them—not any. That means I am in love, blind, blind. To be blind forever!

I picture you playing the records over and over— your husbands records. “Parlez moi d amour.” The double life, double taste, double joy and misery. How you must be furrowed and ploughed by it. I know all that, but I can’t do anything to prevent it. I wish indeed it were me who had to endure it. I know now your eyes are wide open. Certain things you will never believe anymore, certain gestures you will never repeat, certain sorrows, misgivings, you will never again experience. A kind of white criminal fervour in your tenderness and cruelty. Neither remorse nor vengeance, neither sorrow nor guilt. A living it out, with nothing to save you from the abysm but a high hope, a faith, a joy that you tasted, that you can repeat when you will.

All morning I was at my notes, ferreting through my life records, wondering where to begin, how to make a start, seeing not just another book before me but a life of books. But I don’t begin. The walls are completely bare—I had taken everything down before going to meet you. It is as though I had made ready to leave for good. The spots on the walls stand out—where our heads rested. While it thunders and lightnings I lie on the bed and go through wild dreams. People are saying we will be miserable, we will regret, but we are happy, we are laughing always, we are singing. We are admitted everywhere and they strew our path with flowers.

I say this is a wild dream—but it is this dream I want to realize. Life and literature combined, love the dynamo, you with your chameleon’s soul giving me a thousand loves, being anchored always in no matter what storm, home wherever we are. In the mornings, continuing where we left off. Resurrection after resurrection. You asserting yourself, getting the rich varied life you desire; and the more you assert yourself the more you want me, need me. Your voice getting hoarser, deeper, your eyes blacker, your blood thicker, your body fuller. A voluptuous servility and tyrannical necessity. More cruel now than before—consciously, wilfully cruel. The insatiable delight of experience.

Yours forever,

Ian

Above is a letter from the book ‘A Literate Passion: Letters of Anais Nin and Henry Miller, 1932-1953’ I loved it so much that I decided tailor it for Doris. Or rather, copy pasted with Doris’s name thrown here and there! The original letter can be found here.

 

Shiko & The Bedroom

Dear Doris,

I should not be writing to you at this time because I am stealing into my office hours. I am risking losing my job with every key I punch… My love for you is vast… Colossal… astronomical… boundless and capacious! Comprehensive, detailed and endless… Measureless… Not a single word that I have just googled can express these feelings Doris… Can’t you see?

I know what went through your mind immediately you read that title… Sex! Right? Which is not a sin… If you look at it critically, we owe this tiny segment of the house a lot. Considering you were probably made in one and you probably made your children in one or trying to ~ the cycle is vicious!!

Ok. I do not know what I wanted to achieve when I started this post like that!

The bedroom can be used for a number of things… A quiet and private place to rest… A place to sleep… A place to work and or work out… And most importantly… A place to coit! I am thinking if coitus is a noun, then coit must be its verb!

Moving on!

I have a theory on making babies who you want them to be before even you decide to start making them! I am straying from what I wanted to write about but this is important!

I highly believe in orientation: Setting the chill’s mind to a particular career… I am not making sense… Even I don’t understand what I am going on about!

For example… I believe that if you want your child to be a teacher… Try coiting on a teacher’s table!!! (I will be using coit & coiting  a lot so it is better you get used to is now).

If you want your child to grow up to be a chef… TRY THE KITCHEN COUNTER. Are you seeing where I am going with this? Probably not!! If you want a wrestler or weight lifter or just a pumped up kid… Try coiting in the gym… As in, give this baby a future right from the beginning!

If you want an astronaut, I suggest you try IT in a space ship, which explains extensively why there are such few astronauts in the world… Not all of us have access to NASA right?

If you want a surgeon, try an operating bed… I could go on and on!

So if your child is doing terribly at school or is just plain annoying as shit… Go back into time…. waaaayyyyy back…. was it in a toilet booth? That man you met at the club who sent your juices rushing so fast you could not wait to get home and decided to coit in the toilet?? I want you to think hard!

I don’t even want to start thinking how pathologists are made… And do you know why we have so many Business students graduating from our universities? Office romance! Coit in a prison cell and chances are you will be working your ass off to bail your child of prison for the rest of your life…

But that’s just my theory… It holds no water… But still, think about it!

Normally when I walk into my bedroom, the first thing I see is the full length mirror… The first thing I see is literally myself walking into the room… This normally triggers a tiny jester in my mind… I burst into dance…. Normally no the dance you are comfortable doing anywhere else… This is supposed to be a private room… So you do a dance that is never supposed to be seen.. EVER!

Most of the time I make my own beat… I then start shaking my body to my own beat…. If it gets deep into my head… I remove my shirt and throw it on the floor.. You know… like a stripper… I HAVE NO CLUE WHY I AM TELLING YOU ALL THIS BY THE WAY!

Then I remove my belt… and swing it violently round my head… Then I stop and change into my pjs… I don’t go too far because someone might be watching… I am extremely sure God is watching so I never want to embarrass myself! This was up until the other day… My normal routine… Take off the jacket… Then the shirt dancing vigorously forcing my eyes to see a six-pack that’s barely a pack!

Then I see something move outside the window…

My curtains were wide open… My house is directly opposite a few houses… You could read the book I am reading from across the court and here I was dirty dancing in front of a mirror being watched by hell knows who!!

So I quickly turn off my lights and draw the curtains, leaving a little space to spy on the spy!

I notice the shadow of a woman… I can tell its a woman because of the hair… It was either a woman or a man in a wig!

This person must have been watching me for years!

My heart was on my lips! I start going through the media files in my brain… How intense have I ever gotten… Did this person have recordings of me doing all this and would one day reveal them to the press one day when I become president??? SO MUCH TO PROCESS!!!

That was all the evidence I had. A female shadow or a man in a wig….. So basically I had nothing! It could have been anyone!

From that day on, I look at my neighbors straight in the eyes! Without blinking or looking away!! The first one who will burst out into laughter is the pervert who has been watching me dance…

Just before I leave… I had a whole post on how Kikuyus nickname themselves. I have sat and thought in length about whether to post it… I would look and sound extremely tribalistic which is not the case! So I have decided to shorten that post and add it on to this post. Having a whole post on Kikuyus will not look good… I am no tribalist and I keep on saying it… I apologize if anyone thinks so after this:

THE POST:

Before I go any further, I would like to make it clear that I am not a tribalist and whatever I am about to write should not be termed as tribalistic. I am a Luo man and I am about to write about a few things Kikuyus do… You know too well that these two communities are in constant quarrels… Worse yet, now that elections are coming up and Luos are calling Kikuyus names and Kikuyus calling Luos names ceteris paribus (spelt it right this time). I am not going to call Kikuyus names… I am going to call Kikuyu them names that they call themselves…

I am going to get into so much shit seeing how many Kikuyu women I know *cough* *hiccup*

I like padded yelo yelo women! In my part of the world, Kikuyu women have that covered! Please refer to this as many times as you can as you read this.

I have never understood the science behind how Kikuyus shorten their names!! You all get a new name all together! Like for example, Muthoni…. The normal way to shorten that would be Mutho, or Thoni or just Ni! Yes? How in the blazes does Muthoni become Soni??? I totally get the ‘ONI part of it but where did the ‘S’ come from??? This would totally put the dichotomous key in problems!

One of my biggest fans is called Soni and she will kill me!

I also have another friend called Wangari… In fact, she helped me with this post! So you Kikuyu who wants to yank my tongue out… Yank Wangari’s out first… She is the disloyal one!

Wangari becomes Kare… Surely!!! Again another letter from absolutely nowhere near the name itself… Totally ignoring that maybe it could be ‘Ngare’ or ‘Wanga’… Wait, I have a feeling ‘Wanga’ means something in Sheng’. No?

Wanjiku. I do not know any Wanjikus. If you are a Wanjiku and we know each other you should not worry, I will probably remember in the morning! So Wanjiku becomes Shiko! One of your ancestors adored the letter ‘S’! It is everywhere!!! If I was the one shortening this name, I would have put it as, ‘Njiko’ or ‘Wanji’ but the latter sounds like ‘Manji’ Which is not so bad considering your name will sound like a famous biscuit brand!

You are the only people in the world who will see Wanjiru as Shiro. Again with the ‘S’!

Wamboi becomes Foi and Gathoni Noni…

I don’t know any more names… I smell a witch hunt after this… So if you want to kill me, my weak spot is my left pinky toe. Shoot it with an arrow and I will die instantly!

 

 

 

How To Cheat

(In case you missed this on crazynairobian.com)

My Lovely Doris,

I mean what I am about to say. I know distance weakens faith and trust… And love… Distance makes you do things… Lie, cheat, and lie some more… That, might have been how man was built! The moment we lose something, we quickly find a way of replacing it with something else – all because of the fear of emptiness loss comes with… Distance! I have not seen your beautiful face for almost 8 years now. Vast waters separate us… It kills me… The thought that you might be enjoying the distance crushes me… I forgive you for what you have done and are yet to do… Distance! A man resides in your house… Your neighbor updates me. I am not afraid. The thought of seeing you again sometime strengthens my faithfulness to you. There will be no other. No woman comes close to you in my heart.

What I am about to tell you is extremely important… Man lies! There are careers even fueled by how well one can lie… Look at lawyers, politicians, cobblers!

Don’t try making sense out of cobblers, I couldn’t come up with a third one so I wrote the first thing that came to my mind!

I lie a lot… and I suck at it… I am always busted.

To cheat, you need to be excellent at lying… I am going to teach you how to cheat… Exciting huh?? I love it!

Please be advised that I can’t stand this behavior and anyone caught doing it should be… well… Yeah!

I am going to teach you from true stories of my life… (I can hear teeth chatter)

I was no more than 10 years old! And I was going out with 3 of the sexiest women in my class. This is how to do it…

Let me create a scene…

I sat right at the front of my class… So close to my teacher I could smell the insides of her hand bag every time she unzipped it… It smelt like IT! You all remember IT??? This is not a joke… There was an insecticide called IT! But this story is not about my teachers hand bag… She once called my mother and told her I have refused to learn how to spell because she couldn’t convince me sugar was spelt as is and not SHUGA!!! I still strongly feel that it should be spelt my way… No man can convince me otherwise… But I am an educated man… Education is doing shit in a way someone else thinks it should be done! I gave up in trying to figure out silent letters and how lasanya becomes lasagne! I am losing plot!!! Back to cheating!

One of the women I was dating, Loise*, (not her real name, she might have grown up and become a lawyer!) sat right at the back right corner. She was not attractive… In fact, I didn’t find her beautiful at all. But she was brainy! I love intelligent women! Intelligence is like ‘no underwear’, its like half way there! She taught me how to divide numbers. You need women like that in your life… its not like homework will do itself… That was her duty… Homework. She finished hers and did mine in a different handwriting. I am not a bad person… So in return, I held her hand everyday as we walked home… This, ladies and gentlemen, is the hardest shit to do at the age of 9! But I was willing to do anything to clear school… I held her hand with pride! I finished school by the way!

Victoria* was pretty! As in extremely pretty! But no whiff of wit whatsoever! In fact, Victoria was her real name! Her job was PR. To make me look good. In class 3 looks get you further than grades…. Trust me, IT WILL NOT MATTER IF YOUR GIRLS CAN RECITE THE MULTIPLICATION TABLE BACKWARDS!!! If she is not fly…. It doesn’t fly! This pretty girl coming from a rich family would be a plus… I like rich beautiful girls… Keeping Victoria was a task though. Every Tom, Dick and Harry bought her stuff at break time. My income was limited. I had two companies that did not bring in enough money! MAMA LTD and BABA INC. I had to do better than Tom, Dick and the other one. This called for more money than I had. So I got a stupid friend. A boy I would lie to to give me all his break money! It is not easy tolerating a fool, but my Victoria had to be pampered!

Last but not least, Shyrose Shah. That is her real name. I dont give two squirts of piss using her real name on here! Her family hates black people anyways… AND SHE EATS MEAT!!! Yes Shyrose… I said it! You already know how hard it was for me to put up with this one! Her name went against my Luo normal ways of pronunciation! Sairose Sa! Thats how it would sometimes come out! Her duty was very important… She supplied humongous bags of flavored crisps and chevda! I sometimes used her to supply Victoria’s needs. And just to prove that ‘the way to a man’s heart is through his tummy’ I ended up with this one! Victoria repeated class 3 (was not good for PR) and Loise* wanted more than holding hands… By more I mean doing my own homework… I wasn’t taking that crap!

You must be asking yourself how I kept them from knowing about each other… Simple… Being caught never crossed my mind… My brain was too small to satisfy three women at the same time, figure out how to spell and multiply shit AND START GETTING WORRIED ABOUT GETTING CAUGHT!

So if you are cheating, and you are there thinking about getting caught… You will be caught! Oh yes you will!

That right there reminds me about a story, ‘The Secret Lives of Baba Segi’s Wives’ by Lola Shoneyin. Baba Segi has 4 wives! Iya Segi is his first wife who is loud and huge… She is the boss lady and runs Baba Segi’s house. You already know a fat loud woman as a first wife cannot be told! Iya Tope is the second wife. She was forced into the marriage by Baba Segi. She she has nothing much to say! Iya femis is the third wife. This ones heart burns with vengence… That statement will be clear in my next sentence! Bolanle is Baba Segis fourth and final wife. Iya Femi does not appreciate this and works her ass off to see it that Bolanle is out! She works hand in hand with Iya Segi to see this plot through! Bolanle is a threat because she is young and educated thus posing as a great threat to the other wives! Like I said, an educated woman HAS POWER!

Funniest bit of the story is all the wives have multiple kids except Bolanle, who has non at all… EVen funnier, Baba Segi is sterile… Very cool book… was nominated for the 2011 Orange Prize for Fiction and will appeal to readers who enjoy African literature.

You can come meet the author of ‘The Secret Lives of Baba Segi’s Wives’ Lola Shoneyin, MYSELF and other amazing local and international authors at The Storymoja Hay Festival which will be going down from 13th to 16th September 2012 at The Nairobi National Museum.

By now you already know how terrible my spelling and grammar is… I like doing things my way…

 

AMSTERDAM HAS A WEIRD MAN!

My lovely Doris,

I have made up my mind… I am no longer unsure about us moving in together as I was a few years back. I have a well paying job now and yet to get my own place. I beg of you to still be patient with me… We will share one roof very soon.

I am happy today, even though I have a really bad cough! I cant remember the last time I had a cough before this. I must have been four or six or any of those ages where I had to take Calpol…

The ride home was eventful… I fell asleep almost immediately I got on the matatu ( I get confused… Is it ‘get in the matatu’ or ‘get on the matatu’ or get into the matatu’? My English is not very good seeing that I used to teach my high school English teacher English! I Aced it either way) Where was I before that rude thought interrupted me?

Yes…. The matatu…

I am really tall… And I have a long neck (I come from a genealogy of models) I want you to try picture a man dozing off whilst seated on a bench… Can you see him? Yeah… Now alternate roles… Put me where that man is…. Then put a matatu seat under my buttocks… I am completely asleep… Now I want you to imagine the matatu speeding at a corner… I am thrown sideways. My head land on something really soft. Not the soft for a thick bosom… or padded thigh… A different soft… Like a furry carpet…or hay… I opened my eyes and made sense of my surrounding. I had hit the woman sitting next to me… Her head… On her head was a bushy weave… It was so bushy it broke my fall! She quickly fixed it without saying a word. That ladies and gentlemen is called CONFIDENCE…

I fell asleep again not long after!

thats me and my friend Denet

I think I was dreaming because I opened my eyes and with absolutely no reason at all, I shouted, ‘NASHUKA!’ I was at Chiromo Fly-over! That is like 15 bus stops before my house… The matatu stopped and I got off trying to figure out what just went down!

As I write this I am listening to a Skype conversation between a colleague of mine and a white man… It is completely awkward. He doesn’t know I am in the office. It is Saturday, and I am never in the office on Saturdays because its Sabbath, but there was an emergency today – same freakin’ emergency that saw me working till 11.30 last night! But that is not my tale… I have always wanted to use that word… TALE! hehe! I am happy!

I knew there was something fishy immediately i heard an English accent from the other side…

(WHY THE HELL DO PEOPLE SHOUT WHEN ON SKYPE!?)

“Hello Justin*” The deep white voice… (Justin is not his real name… I am protecting his identity)

“Are you at the office” The deep voice continues.

Justin* is excited. You can tell from his ‘jumpy’ voice. “Hiiiiii… How are you? Yes I am at the office!” Justin* replies! I am in a different room so I cant see his body movements, but if I were to guess, he would almost be clapping with excitement!

“Why are you in the office on a Saturday?” The white deep voice thats getting deeper… Or its the excitement building up in my soul… I was sensing a scandal… and I AM NEVER WRONG!

“Ahhh.. I just came to do a few things….” he answers trying to look cool…

“Are you alone?” The deep voice cuts in mid sentence…

“Yeah…  am so bored here… I wish you could just take the next jet here!” Justin* says with a naughty giggle!

I AM SO HAPPY RIGHT NOW THAT I HAD TO GET OFF MY SEAT AND PACE IN MY TINY OFFICE… I dont think I was ready to listen to the rest of this conversation… “hahaha!” the white voice lets out a JOLLY laugh! “I want that too!” He says…

{something tells me I might get into trouble writing this story but what the hell}

“Just for a weekend…” Justin says, sounding convincing.

This is what men tell women they want to sleep with. I mean, you coming for a weekend for what… Pizza?! Or a visit to Uhuru park… I was smelling an ignominy! I remove my shoes and tip toe to Justin’s office door… YES I AM A REPORTER AT HEART… IF I WANT A STORY, I WILL GET IT!

Justin* must have heard me because he stopped talking and looked towards my direction… I had to tip toe to a safe location… My office! I was just in time to hung up on someone…. My phone lights up for about 3  seconds before it bursts into melody when a call comes in! I was in time to hung up at the light 😀 I had to get my story!

I missed a chunk of the conversation as all this was going on… The white voice was now singing! I was dying of laughter inside… There had to be an explanation! Why was this man singing to this other one… He goes on for about two minutes…. Justin* is clapping saying, “ohhhh wowwww…. You sing so well!” At this point I was extremely confused… I knew enough information to be assassinated!  hats not the end of it…. Justin also broke out in song… I was dying! The man could sing… But his audience was scandalous! The white voice knew the song and they sing together… For the next three minutes that felt like 6 hours… The sung away…!

Then the all clapped!

“How much is a return flight to Amsterdam” Justin asks.

“About 900 dollars…” The white voice who now has a location! Only a few more minutes and these two would me on auto pilot!

“Thats about 75,000 Shillings! That is a lot…” Justin says…

“Do not worry, tell me when you want to come and I will pay for you…” The white deep voice says like it was nothing!

“WOW!” Justin says (WHAT IS THIS WOW THING!!!! ITS ANNOYING)

I didnt see my phone light up… It rung so loudly i jumped!

“What was that?!” the white deep voice asked…

“Let me check…” Justin said and that was the end of the conversation… Theres something I still cant put a finger on…. When justin got to my office, he was smiling mischievously… THERE WAS SOMETHING ABOUT TO GO DOWN THAT MY PHONE MESSED UP…. I am suing Blackberry!

I have to stop here because I have to start on a different post about  this all white party my people and I chattered a plane  to go to last weekend…

For Nguhi

 

MEN MULTI TASK IF ASKED OF THEM… OR IF ALLOWED!

Dear Doris,

I do love nothing in the world so well as you! I know my love, that life has never been easy for the two of us… I still don’t understand why it’s so hard for us yet we love each other so much… Sometimes I can even hear the hate for me in your voice… But I ignore it, because I know love conquers all. I know its in loving someone like you that one can truly feel life is really worth it. You are worth every second and breath of me. I pray we spend the rest of our lives together… In love, in hate, in doubt… If we are to disagree during the day… I want to be the one to hold you during the night… I want to be there when you laugh… I want to be the one who has no idea what to do when you cry… I want to be there for you… SO please stop being cruel already!

FULL STOP.

I have noticed with great concern that all my recent letters are about matatus or something related to the topic… I am sorry if it is getting monotonous! But put yourself in my position… It’s always raining… I spend my day at the office and my nights, like normal human beings, in bed! I only have a small crack in between the two variables… When the rain stops maybe I will write you a letter about… about… mm… I have no clue whatsoever!

This is yet another one about a matatu!! Or rather, what went down in the matatu…

BUILDING SCENE AND PLOT:

Nairobi is a wet mess… [no matter how you read that it will end up in sex] Its raining most of the day and raining hard [another one of those sentences that you have to be careful on which word you stress]

Lets swiftly move on…

This is the perfect weather for making babies… or just the perfect weather for trying to make babies without actually wanting to have a baby… I would like to term it as the excellent  conditions for occupying vagistan! This weather makes you  do things… And it’s completely understandable… No one wants to be alone at this time of year… It is just depressing!

You must be asking yourself how this will relate to a matatu… The shocking thing is that it does… In ways you would not imagine!

I am on a matatu from town to Kileleshwa…. I fought so hard to get onto it in the rain. My trench coat is dripping wet. I got the best seat… The co-driver’s seat [refer to my ‘Where to Sit’ post.]  Between me and the driver is a woman… Evidently in her 30’s. Her face had started showing the QUESTION ‘what have I done with my life?’ You know that face? All 35+year olds in a matatu ask themselves the same thing… I can’t explain it better than that.

She is wearing a blue dress made out of t-shirt material! I don’t know if you know those dresses women wear. Its revealing but you still can’t see sh*t! It’s easily flows to her ankles! She has been rained on so you can see her underwear! It was so clear you could see the tiny white bow between her Double C cups! It was clear she had no kids… The two niggers pointed straight at the windshield! I couldn’t stop looking!

She was pretty and extremely above what she is about to do…

She took a book out her bag and flipped to the page with the book mark. She is reading Gracefully Insane by Alex Beam! An excellent book! So she is literate! She is reading quite fast considering it was already dark [unless she was just looking blankly at the pages!] She reads faster than me… And I read fast!

The traffic is tight and I am falling asleep… I am always asleep if I am not reading people’s texts!

It worries me that this post is getting long before I get into the main story!

I was woken up by a faint moan… I was certain it was not from my dream… It was too INSIDE THE MATATU!

I look at the woman seated next to me. She is not reading the book anymore! If anything, she has completely lost interest in it! I could tell because her book mark was on the floor and the book was placed carelessly on the dashboard! SHe had her mind completely on something else…

Her dress that’s long to the ankle is now  suspended dangerously above her knees! Its like she was scratching her thighs… Which is pretty close to what was going on!

LISTEN CLOSELY!

Her hand bag, a huge brown leather handbag, was on her lap. Her left leg was weirdly placed; it was actually on the driver’s space!

I had not noticed the driver was driving with one hand… Ok, maybe I had, but it had not hit me where his other hand was! It all made sense when a trailer swerved past us so dangerously close that the driver had to use both hands…

From under her dress… tossing the handbag leaving me with my answers…

The funny part was the moan the woman let out when the man removed his hand from under her dress… She had to let it out but didn’t want it to come out… Sounded like Donald Duck!

We got off at the same place… She walked slowly, stopping completely a few times! I was walking pretty slow myself just to make her uncomfortable…

Like the saying goes, “Ever since dying came into fashion, life hasn’t been safe.”

Note: I like that some of you are still waiting for me to say exactly what was happening 😀

Please participate in this poll:

 

 

 

Erection!

My Love Doris,

How the thought of you during dull and unloving weather like this keeps me warm at heart… Think me crazy but I think it’s the thought of you that keeps me alive… And warm…

I keep on blowing my nose… It must be because I have been rained on for the past 2.5 hours!

Do not be alarmed… I will explain!

If you live in Nairobi you already know the situation on the roads today… Traffic everywhere… This leads to hiked fares and well… No matatus!

This as you know happens in Nairobi every time it rains… The situation gets worse when it’s raining everyday… This is boring… Let me jump into the juice!

I leave the office at about 6:30pm… It’s pouring disciples and descendants… I have no fuckin’ idea why I left the office in the first place… My office is in spring valley…

I am rained on at the stage for about half an hour before a full bus comes by… It’s completely full… Completely… Guys are standing, some almost falling out the door…

“westi sabini… Westi sabini…” the makanga who is hanging on the ladder on the body of the bus shouts…

I take the bus…

The traffic is so congested that 30 minutes after I get into the bus, it hadn’t moved an inch…

I am standing somewhere at the centre… All the windows are closed and someone had farted earlier so the whole place smells like tuberculosis… I was going to throw up!

I am holding on to the railing on the roof of the bus just like everyone else who was standing… We were so tightly packed that I could feel the woman standing in front of me’s heart beat from her back…

Let me explain for you this scene…

Two women were standing in front of me… They did not bear adequate wit – they kept laughing randomly at everything!!! I dislike such women… They tend to lead a purposeless life… Anyhu

Behind me was a Kikuyu man… He had to be Kikuyu… Again with the shirt unbuttoned and a gold chain… And, well, the bus was from lower kabete… And he said something in Kikuyu.. Maybe he was Arab, I don’t know!

His breath was heavy… Pungent… Smelt like rewound socks… And I was facing the opposite direction…

The drama begins at this point…

The man was way shorter than I was…his head was just below my shoulder.

The bus ride was rough so once in a while I would feel him rub against me…
( please be advised we are still in spring valley)

Where was I… Yeah…

I completely ignored this because I thought it was normal in a bus packed like this… Once in a while you would rub against someone… It couldn’t be avoided…

I suspected danger when he randomly rubbed against me when the bus was at a complete stand still… He confirmed his behavior by smiling at me when I looked back to check what was going on…

I moved in front a bit to distant myself from the fool…

The bus moved a bit and braked… The fool was onto me again!!! He was closer than before…

Here is the funny part…

This time I felt something that was not there before… I was sure the man was not carrying an umbrella or torch or anything that would press against the back of my legs like so.

The man, arguably, had an erection…

He, like I mentioned before, was way shorter than me, i felt the odd object a few centimeters above the back of me knee…

“what the fuck man!” I turned and shouted…

Everyone in the bus looked at me with judging eyes…

“you want fuck?” the man asks me with no shame whatsoever… But in an illicit whisper…

I think we all know I had had enough…

I move past one of the stupid women…

I now stood between witless humans…

They were talking about nyama choma… That was the longest conversation about meat I have heard my whole life…

I got off the bus just near the Brookside Drive junction… I had had it up to here (pointing at my forehead)

It was still raining hard… Funny thing is that I found more comfort under the rain than in a bus smelling of shit with molesting humans and two idiots…

I told myself I would walk to Sarit Centre and get a matatu to town from there…

I got to Sarit Centre drenched..

No matatus…

I told myself I would walk to Chiromo and get a matatu home from there…

(please be advised that from this point onwards I was risking my life)

I got to Chiromo… Even more drenched… No matatus…

I told myself I would walk home and have me one hell of a meal…

I am home with a splitting head ache and a nose that will to stop running… And I have eaten the biggest portion on ugali I have had this year… With chicken and skumawiki…

Now I am going to bed…

I love you Doris…

 

THE GIRL CHILD (finale)

My love,

How are you doing today Sweetheart! There is nothing more painful than the loss of a loved one… I feel like I am losing you and the thought crushes me! I am doing my best trying to keep this relationship together as you sit back and watch it crumble without raising a finger! I treasure us more than i treasure my own life! I have told you this before but clearly you are not taking it with the seriousness Id like you to take it with….

———————————

Its lunch time! Give me a minute I rush to Sarit to get a MEGA SUPER SCRUMPTIOULICIOUS SANDWICH!

———————————–

I am back!

If I remember correctly, I left of at the making out scene right?

I need you to switch of your music! I didn’t say lower your volume… SWITCH IT OFF! Yes!

SCENE 2

SO we get to Chiromo and these two human beings are sucking the hell out of each others faces! The matatu stopped here for a while because the makanga had to fit in a huge sack in the boot!

But I think he spent most of his time ogling at the two that he forgot his job! Because the sack didn’t even fit at the end of it all!

Two people making out is fine… But this guy had his hands under the woman’s dress… YES DRESS! Her  ass down to her toes was food to mine and everyone elses eye… Except I couldn’t see shit! I am blind! Ok maybe the white underwear… Her thighs were pretty dark! Moving on!

Her dress was pulled up till her bra… The guy paid no attention to all the ATTENTION he had attracted! His hands were all over the woman… 4 more minutes of what they were doing and they would have had sex right there and then!! One of this woman’s leg is raised a little bit – as in it was a sex scene! The flickering street light above them didn’t matter to them!

We were there for like 3 minutes tops! What I was seeing was cut right out of a porn movie!

It got to a point the man grabs the woman’s diab! He slides his hand into her undies and from where i was sitting – it was clear! Grab -> Squeeze -> almost yanking it out!

He is eating the woman up… Her neck is being bitten off… Her head keeps on falling back in fast, dangerous jolts… Like she was possessed! Oh, and she is almost tearing the man’s shirt… I dont think it costed much; the shirt; because he let her tag on it… YOU CANNOT DO THAT TO THE SHIRTS I WEAR!!! I WILL KILLL YOU!

Back to our porn movie!

All this time, the matatu was in silence… Everyone held their breath… I know a minute percentile was horrified by this… The rest were busy getting erections and losing breath!

Like I said, I am blind, and I wanted to see also… So I kept on moving to focus clear images to my destroyed retina! I didn’t notice I was doing this until the little girl shoved me aside and said in a scary little voice,

“Ni nini na wewe… Kwani Unadhani ni wewe pekee yako unataka kuona!”

Her voice shattered thorough the silence!

My window was up…

She leaned forward and lowered it… then clicked “nkt!” as she looked straight into my eyes!

I have to admit, she scared the hell out of me!

My heart was beating fast and loud – I am not sure it’s from the sex scene or from the fear that had just been instilled by this little monster!

The two were still at it… They did not even think of stopping until the matatu driver came out of the car and threw a newspaper at them!

“Munadhani hapa ni Luthuli!?” he sput! He got in the car and we sped off…

They stopped sucking each others faces…. But the guy’s hand was still up her ass crack!

The little girl threw her empty ice cream tin out of the window then looked at me! I was ignoring this… Then she tapped me!

“Sasa ni nini ulikuwa unafanya hapo nyuma!? Eh?” She asks!

I didnt understand her question! Ok – I did but it couldnt have possibly meant what I thought it meant! 

In her head, i didnt want her to see the sex scene!

“huh!?” I ask in shock!

“Ulikuwa unataka kuona pekee yako?” she asks, catching me mid statement!

The people in the matatu are laughing mockingly! This child was annoying me!

“Si ujibu?” she continues, getting courage from the passengers who are on her side! I HAVE NO IDEA WHY!

“Wewe ulikuwa unataka kuona nini?” I ask in anger! One more word from this child and i was going to smash her face on the dashboard!

“Na kwani wewe ulikuwa unaangalia nini?” she asks!

Here is where i am supposed to smash her head against the dashboard!!

“nkt!” I click!

“Usijam…. jibu tu swali!” she continues… I am so angry i want to kill her, but the sad thing is, there nothing I can do… I can’t smash her big head or get into a verbal fight! I ignore the little bitch!

I was held ransom by a class six idiot!

“Hauleti shangwe!” she finished! She got off before I did! Somewhere near Kileleshwa Primary!

The little brat had the balls to point at me on her way out… THA FUCKS WRONG WITH KIDS THESE DAYS!?

The driver was in tears… “tumewezwa leo!” he said mid laughter!

 

 

MALAYA MWEMA!

Dear Doris,

My Swahili is terrible! So my title simply means ‘Holy Slut’! If this is not what it means then I apologize! I have been away for a while now and my medulla is boiling with stories! I am not even sure where to start! I promise from now on i will try to write everyday like i used to 2 years ago! Lets not waste any time now!

Its Monday today! Just keep that little fact in mind! that’s all I am asking! I know it can become a bit difficult for a few of you when it comes to exercising the brain… Moving on!

I was at the bank on Friday! KCB Sarit to be exact! I had taken a friend! Yes I had that much free time and I was utterly bored at the office! But this is not the point! So I am comfortably seated on the seat in the banking hall waiting for my friend to finish! Theres absolutely nothing to do with your ‘free’ time in a bank! In a few minutes i had gone through all their brochures and boring magazines… Wait…. Their wasnt a single magazine! Some lady came to me twice to ask if ‘i had been assisted!’ Sounds like a brothel huh? ATI ASSISTED!!! SI TWENDE KWANGU UNI-ASSIST BASI MADAM! But this is not the point either!

I had been seated here for almost an hour now and was dozing off!  Then this tall woman walks in… YES IT IS ALWAYS ABOUT A WOMAN!

She is extremely dark… as in shes almost blue! You have probably already deduced that I wasnt interested! I don’t go for anything below 60 watts! It’s not her complexion that got me and the entire banking hall… ITS WHAT SHE WAS WEARING! OR SHOULD I SAY WHAT SHE WAS NOT WEARING!

Her heels were the height of a new pencil!

She was in a red blouse that was SOOO SEE THROUGH I could count the number of polka dots she had on her bra! AND I AM BLIND! I am not complaining! She was wearing those shorts women wear these days… with the high waist! Do you know them?

Her shorts were SHORT! As in they were so tiny you could glimpse at the foot of her ass! As in you could see that fold separating thigh from ass… I know you know this fold!

She was carrying a huge bag… You know the ones for ‘I will not be home till Thursday!’

it was something close to this.... just 10 times smaller!

The banking hall came to a halt! The money counting machines that are always rattling went quiet! The ringing phones… QUIET! As in for a fraction of a minute, she had the whole bank by its balls!

I was wide awake now…

She made her way swinging her ass to the ‘cheque deposit’ queue and posed… Yes… She posed at the end of the queue like a photographer was in the house! I was busy taking pictures with my bare eyes!

She had the X factor… You know those women who are completely not your type but there is an un-explainable force that just draws you to them? I call that THE X FACTOR!

The bank is back on its feet but every man in that hall is trying to steal a glimpse at this tall dark almost naked woman! Even the old men had their tongues out!

THIS NEXT PART IS THE FUNNIEST BIT!

OUR model’s phone rings!!!! HAHA! and her ring tone, “AKISEMA ATAKUBARIKI, HAKUNA ATAKAY ZUIA, KWANI YEYE NDIYE MUNGU something something  something!”

The phone couldn’t stop ringing and she couldn’t find it in her huge bag… She gave up on finding it and posed and let it ring… I laughed so loudly the guard asked me to leave the bank!!!

 

 

LAMENTATIONS

My Lovely Woman,

I wrote you two letters yesterday, you must be tired of me by now, but do not worry, this one will be quick and painless (why does it sound like we are discussing about a quickie?) Let us make this quick!

Before I move on to the main agenda, please allow me to express my concern on a few addictions I have been adopting! At AA it is said that, ‘accepting you have a problem is the first step…’, well Doris, here I am at your feet, accepting!

We had wireless internet installed at my house a few days ago. This move by our loving parents is separating our family… Everyone is always on the internet. No one has time for the other person. But that is not the problem. With internet comes a lot of things. Like research, social networking, job applications, porn, job applications again… Not exactly in that order! I am not addicted to porn, PLEASE LISTEN TO THE FUCKIN* STORY AND STOP JUMPING INTO CONCLUSIONS GAD DAMMIT!

The Yello Tonto Dikeh

So where was I? Yes, so I am just going to put it out there in black and white… I don’t want to hide anything from you… I am addicted to Nigerian movies! Sue me! This addiction is almost a week old!

Nigerians are funny; THEY HAVE FULL MOVIES ON YOUTUBE! 90 minute long movies. I don’t know how they do it! Those are the ones I am addicted to! The Youtube Nigerian Movies! And I watch them on my phone (Samsung Galaxy Mini)! A bit serious, don’t you think?! I am addicted to particular Nigerian movies (not all of them, who do you think I am? A house maid?) I am addicted to the ones with Tonto Dikeh. I will explain why right now!

She is a great YELLO YELLO actress (i think)! She executes her role perfectly! And she is not ati baaad looking and she is a walking scandal! Then almost all (all the ones I have watched) are, well, porn! There is so much sex in Nigerian movies these days! SO MUCH SEX! And not the normal movie type… they go all the way, sweating, eye ball rolling backwards and all… Ok I will stop!

I don’t want to drag this too long so I will jump to my next addiction! Bongo music! I notice today that my ipod has 37 Bongo jams! I am scared! I hated Bongo so much a while back! Same to Nigerian movies! I think I am growing old! Even now I am listening to some guy called Matonya! And honestly, I like it! Nothing close to Eminem and Lil Wayne, but I like it all the same!

Now that the addictions have been put on the table, I want to; very fast; tackle my main agenda!

LAMENTATIONS:

So I got a rude comment yesterday from an anonymous character complaining about my spelling mistakes and grammatical errors! I laughed my ass off! Here was the comment, and I quote:

“Dear doris righetr. You do not know your spelling and grammer! You are so irritating!”

At least he spelt irritating right!

Beautiful ladies and gentlemen, I want you to listen very carefully, I do not give a rats ass about my spelling and grammar! Doris and I live beyond laws put down by humans! I do it on purpose! Clean edited language is, well, common! Doris and I do not do common! I work for a publishing company, so Dear Mr. Anonymous who can’t stand people making spelling mistakes while he himself cant even spell, I know more about spelling and grammar like you wouldn’t even imagine! Thank you though!

I make so many errors when I type that if I copy and paste on MS WORD, I see a continuous green zig zag line right from the beginning to the end! I appreciate criticism but I will not change the way I write! Thank you!

 

 

MY SUGAR MUMMY

Dear Doris,

Please wipe that look on your face and at least listen to the story before you judge me!! Yes, that’s more like it… You looked like you had swallowed a piggy bank!!

How are you my love? A few letters I had written you sometime last month were sent back to me…. Apparently you didn’t know the sender!!! Babe, whats going on? Ok asking for a divorce was understandable, I am always out of the country for business… BUT DECIDING YOU DO NOT KNOW ME ANYMORE IS A TAD, WELL… RUDE! I am not even sure you will get this one! I will write anyways.

I am going to dive right in it… Clearly my title does not allow me otherwise! I was out last Saturday… Like every other saturday of my life. At Quins to be exact. The crowd was fertile… By fertile i mean there was an approachable woman every half degree of head rotation! Does my last statement make sense? Then again, I don’t care!

So I want you to see exactly what is going on as it goes on. I want you to be in my shoes….I hope you can fit into a size 11! I will build the scene for you… I really hope you can read and understand English…

Koro achung e club büt DJ. Thum muoch marachhhh… Amadho kon’go ma tekre ne thoth ndi! Nyiri opong dabal… Nungo winyre to nyosre mo otamo wan’ga!

Ok that was a joke… Please get a Luo friend to help you with that last paragraph… No I will not be tribalistic… In English:

I am in the club, standing next to the DJ. The… This post is a bit boring… It’s not building up the way I want it to…

So to cut a long story short… This woman comes to me… she is well above 40. Her dread locks are well maintained and are rooting for her ass… which looked half her age! She is not pretty, but you can tell she is taking care of herself… The wrinkles under her eyes are well maintained… They are evident but not sagging like the ones most women her age do! Her fingers are heavily wrinkled. She is wearing a wedding ring that looks like its been round her finger longer than I have been alive. She is in white linen and her red heels look expensive. Her dress has its hem slightly above the knee. You can almost glimpse at her thighs!

She has heavy beads round her neck. rough beads, almost looks like ivory. Same material on her earrings! Her wrist watch looks expensive… 

She walks to me… Halfway across the club. Everyone around me is dancing vigorously to the dub step playing so she is quite ambiguous because she approaches slowly… Its like those exorcism movies where the possessed soul is so evident in a congregation! I sip my drink (that is blue by the way)!

She comes close enough to feel te hairs on my chest (I don’t have those)!

“I want you!” she whispers and turns around then heads back to her seat! The message was clear… It pierced through the loud music like there was no music at all… I sipped my drink!

Everyone around me was now staring at me… I felt naked…. I had to change my location! I went and sat at the far end of the bar, talking to this girl who knew me so well! I had no clue who she was!

“I can give you anything you want!” A whisper! The same voice from earlier! The story line then thickens! This woman was willing to get me a unicorn…

She winks at me then walks away!

I was getting freaked out so I change locations again! I am now at the furthest end of the club, near the bathroom… My plan… I would get into the bathroom if I was to spot her coming my way…

It was not long until I saw her… Approaching like gliding pelican… Thing is, she had this thing… the only way I can explain it is, ‘that thing that holds you on the track when a train is approaching!’

I was helpless.. She penetrated through the rowdy crowd like a snake…

“I want you to be mine… Tonight!” She whispered! She had pinned me against the wall! Her face almost touching mine! I was scared she might try to kiss me and infect me with a disease!

It was time TO LEAVE THAT CLUB!

I am outside the club… waiting for my people so that we can leave… Guess who I see… YES! The woman in white linen! She, for the first time, has her hand bag. She was probably leaving too.. No, SHE WAS DEFINITELY LEAVING! She walks to me… This time, she does not say a word! She is holding a business card. Her intention was to slip it into my breast pocket! Almost all my shirts do not have breast pockets… So after a few seconds of trial and error, she slips it in me trouser back pocket… She grabs on my ass in the process! I do not move an inch!

I know her name and where she works…

I will not mention names, lakini, If your mother or grandmother drives a maroon X6, plates KXX XX9R she is willing to give me anything I want…

(I think I just broke a home Doris)

 

SHARON IS BEING CHEATED ON

Dear Doris,

(Dear reader, please be advised that I already wrote this post but somehow it vanished in the process of posting it. Sorry for the inconveniency. I am up at 1am trying to re-do it)

My love, tears are pouring down my face as I type this letter. Don’t worry, nothing is wrong, I have just finished watching WAR HORSE and the movie is extremely shattering! I thought it was going to be a bad movie, just like all the other movies about horses (except Secretariat, which I loved) but Spielberg has proved me wrong! I have read the novel that I didn’t get to finish….

But this letter is not about horses!!

My love, I am writing you this letter to confess a bad habit that is gradually taking over my innocent heart…. ITS NOT TOUCHING MYSELF so get your brains off the sewer!

Let me explain!

I take 5 matatus everyday! That is A LOT! I think! But something tells me I have mentioned this before! Normally a matatu ride is boring and uncomfortable! A man my height is in so many problems! To make it worse, I think all routes give our route all their old matatus! Our route is filled with old rickety cans for matatus! There is absolutely nothing to do in a matatu, if you are lucky, you might spot a yellow padded woman outside who will satisfy your eyes for a second or two… and if you are extremely lucky, this woman might be seated right next to you!! At this point, you control your fate… You can choose to sit there and sweat your balls out or lie to this woman all the way and get away with a phone number you might never use! But how often does this happen?? I know you are asking yourself, “listening to music?” well my friend… THESE MATATUS ARE SO DAMN LOUD YOU CAN BARELY HEAR MUSIC FROM YOUR HEAD PHONES!

So in my suffering, I have developed a terrible habit… To read people’s texts as they type them!!! IT’S SO ADDICTIVE! Please don’t judge me… Do you, I’ll do me, sawa?

I can swear I have seen all types of conversations… from apologies to ‘last night was amazing’ texts! From ‘I miss your kisses’ texts to ‘We need to F* soon’ texts!!! From “lets make up’ texts to ‘if you are not home by 9 dont bother coming’ texts! I have even come across, ‘ma just passed’ texts! I have been doing this for four years… trust me I have seen them all! My eyesight is terrible, so you can imagine how demanding this is for me!

I sometimes tweet the conversations I see. Follow me on @arungaian and you might come across a few. I have 15,000+ tweets so good luck with that…

But I am blogging about this today because I came across a special case!

THE STORY:

This beautiful woman gets into the matatu and sits right in front of me! She is padded and has the cutest face. She is wearing a black sun dress with purple flowers. Her braids are curly and are softly falling on her back like a mane that has just been dressed! Her cheeks  are full and her nick ringed! On her feet are those shoes people call ‘condom shoes’, the ones you get at Bata that have holes everywhere! She is wearing Davidoff… She smells like the 4th heaven! Dont ask me how I know women scent…

This woman has all my senses arrested… I concentrate on nothing else for the first few minutes, until she starts texting…

Here is the thread:

(Please note that the messages might have been distorted a bit, probably because I am not a video recorder to catch every line, but the story is pretty much the same)

Tim: I am sorry it will never happen again!

Her: you say that every time this happens Tim…

Tim: I messed up… You deserve the best. From now on I will be just that.

Her: I don’t know if I can do this anymore… This time you stabbed too deep!

Tim: Are you breaking up with me?!

PAUSE: LADIES, IF A MAN JUMPS INTO CONCLUSIONS SUCH AS THIS LIKE THIS… HE PROBABLY WANTS TO BREAK UP WITH YOU BUT DOESNT HAVE THE BANTAS TO DO SO. SO HE TRICKS YOU INTO DOING IT FOR HIM!

Her: Give me a single reason not to and I will not…

This was all I was able to see before she got off.

This happens all the time, cheating is a game played by an outstanding number. Even YOU reading this know a story or two…

Sad thing is, this woman’s wallpaper was a little girl that she kept on looking at after every text she sent… She got of the matatu crying. Broke my heart!

(There, I have typed it again!! I love you all that much)

 

WOMEN IN TURQUOISE (season finale)

Dear Doris,

So splitting the WOMEN IN TURQUOISE story is getting me into so much trouble…

So here is the final bit of the story…

Before I start, please note that I AM BROKE… at least at the time… This is a very crucial factor that you will have to keep in mind as we move!

………. Ok I can’t remember where I left off so I will just start from a random part…

Rita works on Mombasa Road and lives in Loresho. Hold my last statement as irrelevant until later on into this letter.

Its Saturday morning and I have been talking to Rita for about a week. I know so much about her I could probably pick her from a school of naked women blindfolded. Apart from her jet hair and tender and light skin and extremely seductive eyes… I also know she uses Lolita Lempicka by Lolita Lempicka and does not wear nail polish! My mother was going to like this one!

Oh, I didnt know what  Lolita Lempicka was either until i googled it! Please do the same!

I am getting ready for church… Still walking around my room in my boxers looking for my church trousers! A call comes in. My ringtone is ‘Tonight by Enrique Iglesias’ and I never pick up my phone until I hear my best part of the song, which is 5 seconds into the song. Enrique goes like, “You know I want you…. and its obvious that I want you too… now put it on me…” Yeah! Moving on!

Its Rita asking if we could meet up for cake!

Ladies and gentlemen, I have heard of coffee, food, sex, movie, blankets and wine BUT NEVER CAKE! or maybe it was a metaphor?! Read on and see…

“is arté café ok?” she asks in one of the most convincing voices I have heard this year…

“sure! what time?” I revert… “In an hour maybe?!” she says… “excellent!” I say!

My brother is in the bathroom… he showers for an hour!! I needed money! I didn’t have a single cent on me… not even sadaka!

I am doing MURD calculations in my head… I come to a figure, 300/- i have 1000/- in my MPESA and my brother gives me 2,000/- I am ready for Rita… There is a rhyme there= Ready for Rita 😀

You already know from ‘DATES THAT ARE BLIND’ that I like showing up extremely early for first dates…

I am there early and I have gone through the whole cake list… My budget is round and perfect unless she will eat more than 1KG of cake… I have mastered the whole menu in 10 minutes…

She gets there 6 minutes late… Her smile, well, sugar, spice and chaptis! I love chapatis. She is in a teal sundress that hung dangerously just enough for you to glimpse at her knees. She is holding a purple clutch purse and has let her hair down in perfect waves. Her arms are naked… kissing the air around her… her cleavage nothing short of AMAZING! A pair of nice round ones… I was almost in love… She is holding a bundle of keys, a Mercedes logo on one of them brought me back to my senses.

We are seated at the patio… small talk… “you have to try this cake” she says then signals a waitress and orders for something I DIDNT SEE ON THE MENU… But all is well… 3,000/- is a loooottttt…

Ladies and gentlemen what is about to take place, I believe, happened because I skipped church to meet a woman!

My back pocket was uncomfortably empty… I had forgotten my wallet at home… or in the car.. or I DONT KNOW WHERE BUT I DIDNT HAVE IT!

I go deaf… I can only see her mouth moving… I am confused! I needed a solution!

She holds my hand and calls out my name with utmost grace… “Ian? are you ok?” she asks..

I come back to my senses… her hand still on mine… It brought an uncomfortable comfort!

“yeah… i am..” i answer…

The bill comes…. 940/= It hits me that I have MPESA. NOW HOW TO RUN TO AN MPESA, WITHDRAW, THEN COME PAY was the question… I was sweating! I pretend to be reaching for my wallet…

“Don’t!” she says in a smile’ “I got this one” she continues. I try to talk her off it knowing very well I am digging my own grave… She is persistent, I give up! She pays and I am walking her to her car…

She insists on holding my hand… i dont complain! A yellow woman like this one holding your hand in public raises street cred…

“its my mums!” she says after noticing the shock on my face when I saw  the car she came in… A CLS!

“what do you have planned for the day?” she asks…. I am still going through the 3rd stage of shock (DEAFNESS).

“ahh! Nothing…. Maybe go home and watch movies” I fumble!

“I have an idea… come over to mines. We can watch movies!” YOU ALL KNOW I COULDNT HAVE SAID NO!

That ride from Westgate to Loresho was the most comfortable ride I have heard in my life! And just so you know, Lolita Lempicka SMELLS GREAT!

The rest is blur…

 

WOMEN IN TURQUOISE (part 2)

Dear Doris,

My one and only… My world stops spinning before your beauty!

How was your weekend Sugar? Mine was.. well.. That will be on my next letter. Today its all about Turquoise 2.

If your memory is worth writing home about, you probably remember Women in Turquoise 1! If you don’t remember this letter or you don’t know about it at all, I suggest you go read it here

Lets start from known to unknown…

We already know this woman is my type… Padded and yellow and dresses in fine fabric perfumed with basil and myrrh and lavender and sage and camomile…  and and and…

We also know that she has my number! Please note that my business card, at the time, had two of my numbers, one of the two was wrong! The probabilities of her EVER getting back to me had just been halved!!!

We probably know that I AM PRAYING MY ASS OFF FOR HER TO CALL or text… or send a smoke signal!

Our woman waits 8 days to communicate… I was her bitch!!

She calls me on a Monday morning. 10am to be exact! I am in a meeting so I hung up and text back.

“in a meeting. Will call you immediately I am done!” 

Please be advised that the 50% chance I had has just been halved… I am doing badly!

I forget about this call completely until a text comes in at about 4pm, “is that meeting long or what :)”

It was clearly a woman… No man sends me smileys…

“I am extremely sorry. Sema?” I reply with skewed interests!

“I am sure you wouldn’t guess who this is :)” she replied>

I was getting bored with this… I was getting irritated. I had deduced its had to be a woman I ‘used’ to know a WHILE back or a woman I met at some club and exchanged numbers… all in all it had to be a random!

Please be advised that if a woman asks you to guess who she is… DONT DO IT! You will be in so much trouble you have no idea… NEVER GUESS! NEVER!

“I honestly can’t guess! Give me a clue!” I text.

“you saved my life :D” she texted back…

She had me with this woman… I had no idea whose life i saved in the past century… And what does she mean by ‘saved life’? was she falling from a cliff and I jumped and held her hand to pull her back up? or I dove in the line of fire…

I had nothing to lose!! I press my ‘FLIRT’ button!

“I saved your life? well, is beautiful another clue ;)” I text

“haha. Maybe!” she replies!! Please not that a woman who is genuinely beautiful will  never say it!! She has nothing to prove and she knows it.

I had a situation on my hands… I rush through my history… NOTHING!

“tell me what you are wearing and I will give you three people you might be” I text back.

Please not that I am slowly entangling myself in my own web!! I had just made a mistake I couldn’t correct! Now I had to guess who she was after her next text!

“sky blue skirt suit and red patent heels” she replies… I HAD NO CLUE WHO THE FUCK THIS WAS!! AT ALL!

I buy time as I google ‘patent’

“I need more ;)” I reply

google: Patent leather is leather that has been finished with chemicals that give it a shiny, reflective surface. It is usually black, and has long been popular for dress and …

TO CUT THIS WHOLE STORY SHORT, I couldn’t guess, even after the bra colour!!

“Its Rita. We met at the Spring Valley shopping centre…. Remember?”

She had made the situation a bit tricky… I had to review all the women I met at this place… it was taking a while…

“you almost got beat by that cop :D” she adds!

“hey gorgeous :)” i reply… My heart racing!

YOU ARE GOING TO HATE ME FOR THIS BUT THIS POST IS WAY PAST 600 WORDS AND WILL HAVE TO HAVE A PART 3, which will come out this evening, I promise!!

TRAILER: WOMEN IN TURQUOISE 3 >>> ART CAFé >>> Loresho >>> THE SITUATION JUST GOT HOTTER 😉

 

 

HIV/AIDS

Dear Doris,

…I undid her lacy bra. She didnt let it come off completely and came for me with the energy of a lioness, that so me flat on my back on the creaking bed! Her skin against mine… I could feel her heart pounding against my chest… Her eyes…

I am going to teach you about HIV/AIDS! You already know what it is and what it does to you and how you get it etc But I am going to teach you what that woman at the VCT center doesn’t tell you!! Wait, do you even know that woman?? Umepimwa??

Her head fell back violently as I kissed her thighs…. Her eyes searched the ceiling!

In Kenya it is estimated that 2,2 million people are infected with HIV/AIDS – Almost 7% of the population, while 1,5 million people have already died from the virus. 700 people are dying from Aids daily. More than 25 million people have died from this since 1981 when the first case was identified!!

She almost tore my head off as I got closer to the meeting of her thighs… My hands searching her body!! Her entire frame trembled with pleasure…

Back in high school some guy visited to give us a talk on how to live with the virus… He asked a question..

“How many of you have never been affected by this virus in one way or another?”

The response was shocking… No single human raised their hand! Not even me, THE COOL KID!! Did you watch those videos about this in high school?? I think Hollywood should hack into this for success in their horror movies….

I rested her feet on my shoulders and entered her… She cringed with intense eruptions within her!! Her eyes rolled back as she gripped the sheets almost ripping them! She bit her lower lip with every….

Did you know an estimated 13.2 million children younger than age 15 have lost their mothers or both parents since the epidemic began. Sit back for a second and think about that… 13,200,000 children!!! This virus is wiping us out!! And fast!!! We sometimes forget that its there… My job here is done, and that was to remind you that its there.

My childhood friend J*, who is now suffering from AIDS asked me to write something to remind people about it…

Her insides clasped, her nails digging deep into my back as she climaxed!!

 

 

SHANIQUA

Dear Doris,

I was going through my things and got 70 letters I wrote to you but I did not send them!

I know it has been a tough period and I am glad you finally agreed to try go through this together. I did not send these letters because of reasons more than one!! I guess I was tired of talking to myself. I just realized i have nothing to lose. I don’t care if you do not read or reply them… All that matters is I cared enough to write! That fact will keep me going!!

—————————————————————————————————————————————-

My Dearest Doris,

I don’t have 50 followers yet… you must be wondering what brought me back… well, what I have for you cannot be compromised by 50 lazy people who will not follow simple instructions… For the 4 amazing people who got me to 20 followers… Doris and I want to let you know that we appreciate you…

Moving on swiftly…

I have so much work on my hands right now!!! I was supposed to go to the office today (SUNDAY) but it was locked when I got there so I settled for Java Sarit which is next to my office. I hate April holidays!! EVERYONE SUDDENLY HAS TIME!!!

The place was full when I got in except this corner booth. So I took it. Do you know how funny it feels to occupy a 5 seater booth alone!!? Considering the whole place was so packed!!

I work for like half an hour and my laptop is dying and there are no power outlets on this booth, so I ask a waitress to halla when a space with one is available…

I am idle for 10 minutes waiting for a power outlet. I am slowly sipping on my water!! A glass of water I had been drinking for 3 hours now!

I get a corner table with a power source.. HAPPINESS!! Again, a big table with only my lanky self!!

I am typing my ass off… My music blaring in my ears… I am listening to my T.I playlist!!

To cut a long story short…

This light-skinned girl whose age is nothing above 16 walks to where I was sitting and asks if she could share my table… ok I guessed that one, with my loud music I didn’t hear word she said but after I gestured ‘OK’, she pulled a seat and plugged in her laptop…

I smile naughtily in my head….

Its getting awkward so I introduce myself…

“Ian…” and stick out my hand for a shake… (it’s just hit me that this is very suspect behaviour)

“Shaniqua!!” she says… I almost burst out in mocking laughter but i let it slide…. What do you tell a woman whose name is Shaniqua??!

it gets weirder…

I got this when i searched for 'shaniqua pictures"

We talk for a while. Shes cool. Twengs like she was born in Central London! HAHA! .. Here is Shaniqua so far…

Name: Shaniqua

Age: 16 and a half

School: Final year Hillcrest

Studies: Psychology and Literature

Allergies: Cats and dust

Java on Sunday?: Sending in her assignment

That was her story!! Lets dig deeper!

Name: Shaniqua

YOU CANNOT WALK AROUND WITH A NAME LIKE THAT!!! (I am sorry if you are reading this and your name is Shaniqua!! I really am) Shaniqua, I love your name!! I honestly do… I love names… Researching on their origin and meaning and all. So I googled Shaniqua…

“Mostly found in ghettos in the United States…”

That told me a lot… But I read on…. ”

People with this name tend to be very inspired, intuitive, and creative. Their aim is to improve the world and can be quite altruistic. They strive to see the “Big Picture” and achieve their dreams.”

Age: 16 and a half.

I don’t know why all these children in Private schools add ‘half’ on their ages!! Like ‘a half’ will make my sleeping with you less wrong!! NOT THAT I WAS PLANNING TO!! But my brother always says, “so long as she can finish a plate of rice, she is old enough!”

She looked quite grown up though… Huyu amekula ugali!!

School: Hillcrest

Your father definitely has it going for himself! Or mother… Or both, honestly I really don’t care!! You might be there on BURSARY funds for all I care! I don’t know about you but I think my last sentence is extremely funny!

Studies: Psychology and literature!

I want you to listen carefully!! I have no idea why GCSE kids always go with this!! If you ask an 8-4-4 student what he/she studies you might probably get a random: MATH, ENGLISH, KISWAHILI (never swahili), CHEMISTRY, BIOLOGY, PHYSICS, CRE, HISTORY, GEOGRAPHY! At least that’s what I studied and was examined on!!! I DONT UNDERSTAND THIS “PSYCHOLOGY AND LITERATURE” MANENO! You look ridiculous trying to look all serious!! ATI PSYCHOLOGY!! PLEASE!! By the way that is part of Biology… I studied that in a term!!! Shiiiiii!

Please don’t get me wrong… I am not hating on the  GCSE system!

Allergies: Cats and dust

You might be wondering what triggered this topic!! The chic was almost sneezing her backbone out!! Good thing she had a GCSE sneeze!! It’s a tiny ‘choo’ that you can easily miss!!

She was like “Psychology… choo and literat-choo” HAHA!

So i asked her what was wrong!!! And she said she was allergic to dust and cats!!

Now listen very carefully… There wasnt a cat in sigh!! So it had to be the dust!! The only logical possibility was that I WAS DUSTY! I let it slide!!

Java on SUnday: Sending assignments!!

My high school had two computers!! LADIES AND GENTLEMEN…. TWO COMPUTERS!!! The principal had one the second one didn’t work so it was kept at his office! At least you could send in your assignments!!

………………………………………………………………………………

So there it is. I have tried finishing it. I have like 14 other unfinished letters from a while back that I will send you sometime soon!!

I love you.

Yours now and forever.

 

HELP ME UNDERSTAND

Dearest Doris,

I write this with utmost sadness. As I write this letter I am totally in the balance about where our relationship sits. I wrote you two letters early last week which went unreplied. I am trying to figure out what is going on but I have nothing. 

Your friend Ms. Danielle wrote me a letter which i received yesterday. She has never written to me before or have we talked on occasions earlier than today. Her letter brought tears upon my eyes. I refused to believe the content of that letter. My Doris, I know I have been gone long, I know I haven't been a perfect husband and I know in me you do not see a perfect father. But that is never a reason to sleep with someone else. My heart split open as I read about this on a piece of paper. I read it over and over again, each time praying to God to change those words….

My Doris, I have suffered many a losses in my short life. I have watched people crawl into my life and leap right out. I have seen it all. I have but one problem, I have never learnt how to hold on to someone tight enough to be comfortable when they leave. I don't know how not to hold tight. My heart breaks every-time, but I never learn. My love, I beg you, please tell me you have been faithful-and if you have my love, i kindly ask you to send me a letter. A blank letter. Write nothing on it. I know in my heart that I have loved you right, I put first, I have never hit you or raised my voice at you. I have never cheated on you, I have given you everything you have asked me for. I don't know how not to love you. I have loved you how the Bible has taught me to… yes I have.

I sit in silence, the hot coffee now cold and lifeless. I drift away every time I think about you, your touch and your kiss… my breath gets caught when I think about you. You are beautiful. Why are you so scared and apprehensive, so defensive and withdrawn? I keep getting a fresh cup of coffee, and I keep forgetting its there. 

I agree, what we have had hasn't been perfect. But then again, what is perfect? A woman with long hair living in a tall tower and throws down her hair whenever her lover comes over? Or a woman forgetting her glass slipper behind only to be found by a prince who brings it to her and they live happily ever after?? My love, what is perfect?! 

I think I have said enough! The more I write, the tighter I hold you in my heart. That is a dangerous place to be. I have always fought for you,I promised never to give up on us no matter how far apart we were. I once read a quote by Goethe that said, "When you feel like giving up, remember why you held on for so long in the first place." I held on knowing you would love me as much as I do you, and there is no reason to hold on if that is absent.

I think about you all the time. I love you. I want you. I need you.

Yours Faithfully in Love,

Ian

 

 

SEX IN 4 D

Dear Doris,

i am at the office…. i am going deaf!!! AGAIN!!! But this story is not about my ears or sex…. but the two will keep on coming up!!

I AM NOT A LIAR!!! MANY PEOPLE THINK I AM- ILL TELL YOU WHY!!!

i am loud!!! I tell my stories how it is, if a banana was involved, i WILL get a banana!! if there was a kick…i will kick!!!!
thats just part of the reason…. Another thing, the weirdest shit happen to me!!!! ON THE REGULAR! sometimes i choose to just shut up and keep my story to myself!!!! For example yesterday on my way home, i took a cab from the office at like 9:30pm… halfway through, the driver stops the ride ad pulls out a gun and asks me to empty my pockets then dumps me somewhere along the way!!!! YOU SEE SOME OF YOU THINK IM LYING!!!!! i didnt tell anyone though coz it was only 4 days ago that i was mugged in town…. beaten up by 7 guys!!! AS IN I ATTRACT FICTIONIOUS SHIT e.g i2 years ago i was in an accident where all 8 passangers died except the driver and i, i have shaked Obamas hand, I dont drink or smoke, i broke both my wrists trying to impress a girl in class 3, among other unbelievable shit  ! is FICTIONIOUS even a word??!

People believed me until i came back home from High school the 1st time (end of 1st term form 1) i was in school 2 months and already two students and a teacher had died!!!! I AM NOT LYING!!!!
You can imagine how many people died in a span of 4 years!!!! THE ANSWER: A LOT!

If you are waiting for anything on the title…. I LIED!!!!

Glossary-

FICTIONIOUS- fictional

SHIT- stuff

Obama-American president