LAMENTATIONS

My Lovely Woman,

I wrote you two letters yesterday, you must be tired of me by now, but do not worry, this one will be quick and painless (why does it sound like we are discussing about a quickie?) Let us make this quick!

Before I move on to the main agenda, please allow me to express my concern on a few addictions I have been adopting! At AA it is said that, ‘accepting you have a problem is the first step…’, well Doris, here I am at your feet, accepting!

We had wireless internet installed at my house a few days ago. This move by our loving parents is separating our family… Everyone is always on the internet. No one has time for the other person. But that is not the problem. With internet comes a lot of things. Like research, social networking, job applications, porn, job applications again… Not exactly in that order! I am not addicted to porn, PLEASE LISTEN TO THE FUCKIN* STORY AND STOP JUMPING INTO CONCLUSIONS GAD DAMMIT!

The Yello Tonto Dikeh

So where was I? Yes, so I am just going to put it out there in black and white… I don’t want to hide anything from you… I am addicted to Nigerian movies! Sue me! This addiction is almost a week old!

Nigerians are funny; THEY HAVE FULL MOVIES ON YOUTUBE! 90 minute long movies. I don’t know how they do it! Those are the ones I am addicted to! The Youtube Nigerian Movies! And I watch them on my phone (Samsung Galaxy Mini)! A bit serious, don’t you think?! I am addicted to particular Nigerian movies (not all of them, who do you think I am? A house maid?) I am addicted to the ones with Tonto Dikeh. I will explain why right now!

She is a great YELLO YELLO actress (i think)! She executes her role perfectly! And she is not ati baaad looking and she is a walking scandal! Then almost all (all the ones I have watched) are, well, porn! There is so much sex in Nigerian movies these days! SO MUCH SEX! And not the normal movie type… they go all the way, sweating, eye ball rolling backwards and all… Ok I will stop!

I don’t want to drag this too long so I will jump to my next addiction! Bongo music! I notice today that my ipod has 37 Bongo jams! I am scared! I hated Bongo so much a while back! Same to Nigerian movies! I think I am growing old! Even now I am listening to some guy called Matonya! And honestly, I like it! Nothing close to Eminem and Lil Wayne, but I like it all the same!

Now that the addictions have been put on the table, I want to; very fast; tackle my main agenda!

LAMENTATIONS:

So I got a rude comment yesterday from an anonymous character complaining about my spelling mistakes and grammatical errors! I laughed my ass off! Here was the comment, and I quote:

“Dear doris righetr. You do not know your spelling and grammer! You are so irritating!”

At least he spelt irritating right!

Beautiful ladies and gentlemen, I want you to listen very carefully, I do not give a rats ass about my spelling and grammar! Doris and I live beyond laws put down by humans! I do it on purpose! Clean edited language is, well, common! Doris and I do not do common! I work for a publishing company, so Dear Mr. Anonymous who can’t stand people making spelling mistakes while he himself cant even spell, I know more about spelling and grammar like you wouldn’t even imagine! Thank you though!

I make so many errors when I type that if I copy and paste on MS WORD, I see a continuous green zig zag line right from the beginning to the end! I appreciate criticism but I will not change the way I write! Thank you!