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Another Shitty Story


Dear Doris,

You have seen me reduced to a vessel that’s nothing more than think of, love and miss you!  I have written you a few hundred letters that have gone un-replied… God knows if you even read them. Confessing my utmost attraction to you. You must truly be a terrible human being… It is either that or you changed your address. You cannot be a terrible human being, so I will force myself to believe, mtg letters have never reached you. And if that is the case, I pray they someday do! It is unbelievable how essential to me you have always been.

Back to business…

Saturday had itself a long night that started with a goodbye party for @Kipepeomjini who is leaving for the USA to go become more expensive to hire.

The party had food. Now let me explain. I am allergic to onions and fish and my system cannot digest lactose AT ALL! I hate avocado and I have never eaten it and I do not eat matoke. I am adventist so swine and anything eithout split hooves are never to be ingested. All I could eat in complete comfort is bread and chapati and water. This information is quite essential for the full understanding of what I am about to tell you.

The lady who was serving chapati did not like me very much because she gave the guy before me 3 pieces and the guy after me four pieces. I was give two pieces, which if put together makes half a chapati. HALF A CHAPATI! How was half a chapati going to change my life? 7 chapatis hardly makes any difference and here I was with half a chapati! I let it slide and served myself some mushroom, which is the core of this tale and not the chapatis.

At my table I rant a bit about the whole chapati business and everyone suggests I go back for seconds… I do! The chapati woman sees me and angles her eyebrows inwards, which was alright seeing that not everyone had eaten. I felt nothing and gave her my plate to add more chapati… She added 2 more pieces, which I thought was utterly inconsiderate and a test of my patience! I did not move a single step! I had skipped a few people who were already not too happy with me and now I was here creating a jam in the system.

“Ongeza!” I say with the authority of a pregnant woman to the father of her unborn child. Whilst looking straight at the buttocks of my retina, she slaps around 9 pieces on my plate… I was happy!

Before the party was over I feel the contents of my stomach somersault uncontrollably. I knew that instant that I had ingested something laden with lactose! It had to be the mushroom or the beans, but whatever it was, it wasn’t important because it was already inside me!

At that moment I slowed down my drinking. I was on Heineken and beer does not help a bad stomach at all! And then @MagungaWilliams tweeted me that alcoblow was near my gate, so I stopped drinking completely!

After the party, a good chunk of the party headed to Mercury ABC. Now walk with me very carefully!

AT ABC my tummy got worse. I love dancing and throwing my leg in the air uncontrollably but only the gods knew what would have happened if I would have kicked in the air! Only the gods know! I think Zeus knows best seeing he is deals with lightning bolts!

This is me kicking to Valu Valu...

This is me kicking to Valu Valu…

At about 4am, I had to go really badly! So because I know the downfalls of ‘going’ in the club, I dash to my car and attempt to drive home. I think in my head,”If I drive really fast, I can get to Madaraka in 10 or 12 minutes!” I wasn’t going to make it even if that time was halved! So I am seated in the driver’s seat my whole body is on fire! My thighs are slapped so tight I can feel blood clot at my knees! I was holding on to the steering so hard I noticed my ass was not even on the seat. I was suspended mid-air! I needed to find a solution!

I get out of my car and walk to the gents to gather intel and possibilities! First the place doesn’t even have a door so everyone who came into the gents would see my long legs. My dressing is flashy and even if I hid my face, someone would notice my shoes! That wasn’t going to work… I walk back to my car and clench my thighs together again!

I was stepping light on the tarmac. At this point even sneezing the wrong way wouldn’t be advised. I was in a particular state whereby even if someone hooted I would be finished….

Then a watchman asked me,”Budaboss uko pow!” (Are you ok?)

“Kuna choo safi around?” I ask, breathing slowly! “Yenye si ya ndani!” I add.

He stops to think for a second! A second I DID NOT HAVE!

“Kuna yetu pale juu!” He says pointing at the furthest end of the compound! IT WAS FAR! Right next to the exit! I wasn’t sure if I was going to make it alive!

We walk towards the ‘choo’! I meet friends on the way! People at the club always want to talk!! I summarise all of them! One really drunk one stopped me and asked me for 1000 bob because his card had been declined. I didn’t have a single cent on me because Alexander Muge had my wallet. The guy wouldn’t listen and he almost talked me into going back into the club to get it for him. Until the watchman muttered, “sina time mob Budaboss!” I had to go!

So I leave the guy stranded!

I ask the watchman if the toilet had tissue paper! It didn’t! “Lakini ntakutafutia!” He says!

We get to the watchman at the exit who is the one who normally has the keys to the toilet!

“Sijui ni nani amezichukuwa!” He says! My heart sinks horribly and my sphincter muscles almost let go! The compound has like 10 guards! It takes forever to find the keys! I am standing at the exit. Being as famous as I am, someone in almost all the cars recognised me. My story was, I lost my parking ticket and I was figuring out how to get out!

I was given 2 keys and instructions on what key opens what. But who could probably understand all that in my state!?

I dash to the door and I am fumbling terribly! Nothing was opening anything!

At this moment @Popzke spots me and calls out! I had no clue what I was going to tell him if he asked me what I was doing there! I walked to his car, watching my step and we talked for a bit! At this time I had given up all hope! Whatever was going to happen would be invited! Jehovah had the wheel. This guy had all the stories… Or rather, I didn’t have the timeeeee!

He finally leaves and I dash back to the door! It opens. Then there is a door on the left and another on the right!

Wait a second… Do you know when you are really pressed and you can hold it until you get to a bathroom and the pressure triples? Yes… Mine had tripled thrice!

I try the right one first! No key can open it! I try the left… No key can open it either! I try the right again…. Slower! Nothing! I say a two word prayer then I try the door on the left! “Please God!”

It opens! I collapse on the toilet seat… I saw the sun… The moon… The mountains and the rivers… I saw heaven!

The watchman was still out looking for tissue paper! I called Alexander Muge to hook me up! He doesn’t pick up his phone!

I wait for a short while then the watchman comes and waves a roll of tissue through the window!

“Budaboss uko fiti?” He asks (Are you ok?) I say yes… He asks 3 more times. It was time for me to leave.

I lock every door behind me on my way out!

Then I walk back… I flap my Armani jacket to get rid of the fresh smell as I walk… I am busted by @dodmichaela who I give the same ‘fixing my parking ticket’ story!

Alexander calls me back, quarrelling at the top of his voice asking me what I was calling him for as if I didn’t know where I had left him… I hang up! I had had enough shit for one night!

The rest of the night is for me to know and for you never to find out!

 

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Posted by on June 10, 2014 in Alexander Muge, comedy, near death

 

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