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Erection!

24 Apr

My Love Doris,

How the thought of you during dull and unloving weather like this keeps me warm at heart… Think me crazy but I think it’s the thought of you that keeps me alive… And warm…

I keep on blowing my nose… It must be because I have been rained on for the past 2.5 hours!

Do not be alarmed… I will explain!

If you live in Nairobi you already know the situation on the roads today… Traffic everywhere… This leads to hiked fares and well… No matatus!

This as you know happens in Nairobi every time it rains… The situation gets worse when it’s raining everyday… This is boring… Let me jump into the juice!

I leave the office at about 6:30pm… It’s pouring disciples and descendants… I have no fuckin’ idea why I left the office in the first place… My office is in spring valley…

I am rained on at the stage for about half an hour before a full bus comes by… It’s completely full… Completely… Guys are standing, some almost falling out the door…

“westi sabini… Westi sabini…” the makanga who is hanging on the ladder on the body of the bus shouts…

I take the bus…

The traffic is so congested that 30 minutes after I get into the bus, it hadn’t moved an inch…

I am standing somewhere at the centre… All the windows are closed and someone had farted earlier so the whole place smells like tuberculosis… I was going to throw up!

I am holding on to the railing on the roof of the bus just like everyone else who was standing… We were so tightly packed that I could feel the woman standing in front of me’s heart beat from her back…

Let me explain for you this scene…

Two women were standing in front of me… They did not bear adequate wit – they kept laughing randomly at everything!!! I dislike such women… They tend to lead a purposeless life… Anyhu

Behind me was a Kikuyu man… He had to be Kikuyu… Again with the shirt unbuttoned and a gold chain… And, well, the bus was from lower kabete… And he said something in Kikuyu.. Maybe he was Arab, I don’t know!

His breath was heavy… Pungent… Smelt like rewound socks… And I was facing the opposite direction…

The drama begins at this point…

The man was way shorter than I was…his head was just below my shoulder.

The bus ride was rough so once in a while I would feel him rub against me…
( please be advised we are still in spring valley)

Where was I… Yeah…

I completely ignored this because I thought it was normal in a bus packed like this… Once in a while you would rub against someone… It couldn’t be avoided…

I suspected danger when he randomly rubbed against me when the bus was at a complete stand still… He confirmed his behavior by smiling at me when I looked back to check what was going on…

I moved in front a bit to distant myself from the fool…

The bus moved a bit and braked… The fool was onto me again!!! He was closer than before…

Here is the funny part…

This time I felt something that was not there before… I was sure the man was not carrying an umbrella or torch or anything that would press against the back of my legs like so.

The man, arguably, had an erection…

He, like I mentioned before, was way shorter than me, i felt the odd object a few centimeters above the back of me knee…

“what the fuck man!” I turned and shouted…

Everyone in the bus looked at me with judging eyes…

“you want fuck?” the man asks me with no shame whatsoever… But in an illicit whisper…

I think we all know I had had enough…

I move past one of the stupid women…

I now stood between witless humans…

They were talking about nyama choma… That was the longest conversation about meat I have heard my whole life…

I got off the bus just near the Brookside Drive junction… I had had it up to here (pointing at my forehead)

It was still raining hard… Funny thing is that I found more comfort under the rain than in a bus smelling of shit with molesting humans and two idiots…

I told myself I would walk to Sarit Centre and get a matatu to town from there…

I got to Sarit Centre drenched..

No matatus…

I told myself I would walk to Chiromo and get a matatu home from there…

(please be advised that from this point onwards I was risking my life)

I got to Chiromo… Even more drenched… No matatus…

I told myself I would walk home and have me one hell of a meal…

I am home with a splitting head ache and a nose that will to stop running… And I have eaten the biggest portion on ugali I have had this year… With chicken and skumawiki…

Now I am going to bed…

I love you Doris…

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45 Comments

Posted by on April 24, 2012 in comedy, matatu tales, near death, sex

 

45 responses to “Erection!

  1. D.od

    April 24, 2012 at 10:41 pm

    eewww!!! and how dare he ask ati dyu want some??? these mats for spring valley hapana… too much for me lol… and aki pole u had to walk all that way in the pouring rain:-(

     
  2. ViValdi

    April 24, 2012 at 10:56 pm

    Haha!
    Also quite bad when ur squished up against sum1 in a jav so tightly that you can feel their sweat transferring onto you! Barf!πŸ’©

     
  3. Nyixy

    April 24, 2012 at 11:46 pm

    Kwani how does tuberculosis smell πŸ™‚

     
    • mydeardoris

      April 25, 2012 at 10:30 am

      hahaha! you will know it once you smell it….

       
  4. tkimani

    April 25, 2012 at 8:34 am

    Is there no room for some doubt man? Maybe he was an undercover police man with a gun that moved out of position with all the bumps and stops in traffic!

     
    • mydeardoris

      April 25, 2012 at 10:31 am

      i refuse to be on your side… the gun appeared fromnowhere??!! I REFUSE!

       
  5. Di

    April 25, 2012 at 8:38 am

    # DEAD

     
  6. Magi

    April 25, 2012 at 8:38 am

    pole sana Mein, but how short was this man? his crotch was a few centimetres above your knee? hapana

     
    • mmnjug

      April 25, 2012 at 10:06 am

      The question is, how tall is this Arunga?

       
      • mydeardoris

        April 25, 2012 at 10:32 am

        6 4″ πŸ™‚ si refu sana…. lakini ni refu πŸ˜€

         
      • mmnjug

        April 25, 2012 at 10:35 am

        That guy from Kikuyu must have been a midget or he was standing on the stair in/out of the bus… oh well. Such is life…!

         
      • mydeardoris

        April 25, 2012 at 1:08 pm

        he was a bit short…. and i am a bit tall… The difference is HUGE!

         
      • mmnjug

        April 25, 2012 at 2:49 pm

        On that basis alone, you point is driven home. Hehehehe!!

         
    • mydeardoris

      April 25, 2012 at 10:32 am

      He was not tall…. and I am quite tall Bauer… I stick to my statement:p

       
  7. AFFUNNE

    April 25, 2012 at 11:13 am

    hhahaha kaliest article. it made my dei

     
    • mydeardoris

      April 25, 2012 at 1:08 pm

      rudi tena kesho saa kama saa hii…. haha

       
  8. Sally salome

    April 25, 2012 at 11:19 am

    I don’t think Iβ€˜ve had a better laugh in my entire life its so funny my ribs are paining the heading also causes some suspence.

     
    • mydeardoris

      April 25, 2012 at 1:07 pm

      hehe… Don’t die just yet, I have a few more stories coming πŸ˜€

       
  9. enjesh

    April 25, 2012 at 11:22 am

    OMG! a Guy was rubbing himself on you and here I thought only ladies get tortured this way? pole sana.

     
  10. harrison

    April 25, 2012 at 11:31 am

    love promises, it comforts n recuperates…… dorris is all urs!

     
  11. kbaab

    April 25, 2012 at 12:13 pm

    hehehe. Hilarious as usual! I don’t think I want to know how tuberculosis smells like.

     
    • mydeardoris

      April 25, 2012 at 1:04 pm

      haha… i gree… YOU DONT! πŸ˜€

       
  12. Joy

    April 25, 2012 at 1:14 pm

    Haha..ian nice u wrote something abt yesterday n the rain.i got rained on for 3good hours at the bs with not even a single sign of a mat.maybe i shud also write about it hehe..

     
    • mydeardoris

      April 25, 2012 at 1:42 pm

      3 hours? si ungelipa lodging jamani! haha!

       
  13. angwenyi

    April 25, 2012 at 2:21 pm

    waaart? this has made my dear,laughed till i dropped but atleast i wasn’t angry at kenya power for 10minutes.

     
  14. Savvy Kenya (@savvykenya)

    April 25, 2012 at 3:00 pm

    I got home at 1am.. that’s how bad it was!

     
    • mydeardoris

      April 25, 2012 at 3:38 pm

      It was terrible… I hope you didnt walk though….

       
  15. amamacho

    April 25, 2012 at 3:25 pm

    LOL you guy!!

     
  16. Pol

    April 25, 2012 at 4:08 pm

    Hahahaa.. Imagine doing that routine for another 6 months.

     
  17. Mukuhi

    April 25, 2012 at 6:00 pm

    Stinky, blingy, horny man hitting on u?! Now u know how it feels to be female for a few minutes! can I ask something, is this real life experience or fiction? either way, funny life…..:)

     
    • mydeardoris

      April 26, 2012 at 10:15 am

      Everything I write about happened to me… It can’t get more non-fiction than this.

       
  18. ynik

    April 25, 2012 at 7:16 pm

    Why am i happy this happened to you:))), yep it should happen again!!!

     
    • mydeardoris

      April 26, 2012 at 10:12 am

      Haha… You will have me molested for your Musement?

       
  19. Lee

    April 26, 2012 at 9:54 am

    Now molesters prey on men too! I just hope he didn’t have brown teeth! Ian, perhaps you should get the scooter back on the road!

     
    • mydeardoris

      April 26, 2012 at 10:14 am

      I couldn’t agree more…. The scooter will be back next month…

       
  20. ViValdi

    April 26, 2012 at 12:17 pm

    wet dog! shlurp!

     
  21. Bizstler

    April 27, 2012 at 10:00 am

    lol!

     
  22. Cesky Cess

    April 30, 2012 at 3:04 pm

    You want fuck? hehehe…

     
  23. Don DB

    April 30, 2012 at 6:09 pm

    Good piece Ian, enyewe the rains .. Pole for the Mr Short man

     
  24. Louis

    July 22, 2012 at 7:48 pm

    Hahahaha!!

     
  25. Brian Okello (@jakello)

    June 20, 2013 at 9:54 pm

    Haaha, you even know how tuberculosis smells like πŸ˜€

    Hilarious!

     

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