KUFA GARI KUFA DEREVA

My lovely,

How have you been today sweetie? I hope you have been beautiful… I know you have been beautiful… Your beauty is that one which does not age… Nor wrinkle… Nor fade… God worked over lunch break on you… Your hair… Your eyes… Your lips… Your neck… Your whole frame is no less the very frame of the goddess of beauty…
I am writing this on my phone so it might have very weird mistakes… But i am thinking to myself, not writing at all is a worse crime.

I know i have readers world wide and some of you might not understand fully some of the local terms i use… Like for example, my title! Kufa gari kufa dereva, in short just means FUCK IT!

You all know that very trying moment when you foot just give two spurts of piss! That moment when you know the outcome of the whole ordeal Will not kill you! Ladies and gentlemen, its this point when a man might commit suicide… Ok maybe I am exergerating!

Let me explain….

The following takes place between 6pm and 7pm

You all have suffered from diarhea right… By the way please be advised that from here onwards I will use veryimpolite words like shit and rectum and anus… I suggest you stop reading at this point if you are easily disgusted!

I leave the office at about 6 with a stomach ache from satan himself… You know that really bad tummy ache that you would easily mistake for due pregnancy? Not that I know how that feels… I just know its excruciating! The only difference between pregnancies and tummy aches is; in a pregnancy situation, you are fighting to push the child out while in a tummy ache you are fighting to keep whatever wants to come out in!!!

Stomach aches are funny… They know how to make you suffer!

I had planned to go to a public toilet when I got to town just to be on the safe side…. YES IT WAS THAT BAD! But when I got to town, the ache had gone! As in I couldnt feel it at all… If you have suffered survere tummy aches you kniow that this was a trick!

I get into a matatu home hoping I will get home and ‘UNLOAD’ this burden!

The matatu is moving at snail pace… Its only the day my behind is ripping apart that the matatu driver decides not to be in a hurry! WTF!

At this point the diarhea has notice a change in my emotions and is on its way back! I can feel things like tiny bubbles inside me… Thats when you know shit just got serious!!! Those bubbles are just reminders that the situation is no longer in your hands…

Do you know the really liquid diarrhea that you CANT CONTROL??! Yeah….From your facial expression I can tell you know it too well…

then the traffic!!! there is never traffic… but tables were turning on me…

we were at University way… The place was like a parking lot… Cars were not moving!!!

At this point I can barely hold the ‘situation’ in… IT WAS GOING TO RIP!!

I am sweating and flapping my legs chanting the same short prayer over and over again!! “Please God let me just reach home!” God was not listening because that baby was at the edge of my behind!

Its at this point that all your actions count… you mess up and you will shit your pants! You have to check on the way you breath… the way you move…. the way you blink…. even the way you think!

traffic was moving now THANK GOD!

Then at CHiromo a cop stops the matatu!! NEVER BEFORE has a cop stopped a matatu I was in to Kileleshwa! NEVER!  I had no idea what this motha*R was doing there! After getting  his bribe we snail away!

At this point I could feel it coming out…

only 5 more minutes Ian!!! Only 5 more minutes…” I console myself! The leg flapping has now become violent… The sweating is on overdrive… My body was shutting down… That shit wanted to come out!

My life flashed before my eyes every time the matatu hit a pot-hole or a bump…

We get to the Shell petrol station and the stupid driver decides to gas up…I THINK THIS DRIVER WAS OUT TO GET ME!

I cant sit still… The woman sitting next to me is getting pissed! I yank my earphones from my ears ( i was listening to Motzart to calm me down)!

I hurrendly jump out of the matatu as it  gases up… I am pacing all over the place… I am now a show… Everyone is looking at me!

I remove my phone and call  my brother… I quote.

“Yo Pazi, I am going to shit my pants!!! COme get me from shell NOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!’ he laughs… WHAT THE HELL!

He says he is on his way…

I ask one of the attendants to show me where the loo is… He sends me to another attendant who has the keys who then expalins how I have to be a customer to use the bathroom…

I call my brother…

“I am shitting my pants… I cant hold it anymore…” And honestly I had given up… MY muscles were tired and holdin that shit in was tearing my soul apart…

I closed my eyes… I had done my best… But even heroes fall…

THIS WAS MY KUFA GARI KUFA DEREVA POINT!

I let go of my muscles slowly… THE BUBBLES!

But just before ‘it’ tore out… a bunch of keys hit my chest…

“Na usichafue!” the attendant said!

I ran to the toilet with the speed of the devil…

And there… my peace I found… I think I was in there for more than an hour!

 

HOW TO KILL A MOSQUITO!

Dear Doris,

I have waited patiently for one whole day without news of you; I have been counting the time and that’s what it must be. But a second day I can see no reason for it, unless my servants have grown lazy or been captured by the enemy, for I dare not put the blame on you, my beautiful angel: I am too confident of your affection–which is certainly due to me, for my love was never greater, nor my desire more urgent; that s why I repeat this refrain in all my letters: come, come, come, my dear love.

I miss you my love. The problems we have had in the past have made the distance between us unbelievably longer! I long for your touch Doris… I long for the smell of your hair… I long for us!

Love nini nini!

I promised to teach you how to KILL A MOSQUITO on this post! I am going to do exactly that! You will learn a lot here! Please pay attention… Class is in session!

Before I teach you how to kill a mosquito, i will teach you about what a mosquito is! You have to learn about what you want to kill before you go killing it… I can see the look on your face… It’s like you know what a mosquito is… Well my love, a mosquito is beyond the six-legged buzzing pest!

Lets see:

Did you know mosquitoes are the deadliest animals on earth!!? I could go on and explain how but this wasnt a Biology lesson!

Another thing is that only female mosquitoes bite… So fear not, only half of those buzzing idiots will actually bite you… The male mosquito feeds on nectar… The female needs your blood to reproduce… It’s just trying to have a family which makes me feel terrible for killing all those mosquitoes in my ‘mosquito obituary!’

Mosquitoes are among the slowest flying insects… Imagine if it was one of the fastest… We would all be diarrhearing from malaria! So thank your god for that small fact!

Ok this next bit is extremely cool: Mosquito mates synchronize their wing beats to perform a lover’s duet. As in sometimes when you hear that buzz, it might be two mosquitoes completely head over heels over each other!! You kill them and they were not even going to bite you!! SAD! Meaning so many mosquitoes die because of falling in love!Thats what you call a dangerous love affair!

This is the funniest bit of them all: Mosquitoes can detect carbon dioxide from 75 feet away. Carbon dioxide, which humans produce, is the key signal to mosquitoes that a potential blood meal is near. They’ve developed a keen sensitivity to CO2 in the air. Once a female senses CO2 in the vicinity, she flies back and forth through the CO2 plume until she locates her victim. As in the more you fart the more you get bitten! So be aware of those people who keep on complaining about mosquito bites… THOSE NIGGAS KEEP FARTING!!! So next time you are bitten… Shut up!

That link up there will show you HOW TO MAKE SURE YOU GET MOSQUITO BITES! You will learn really cool stuff… Thing is the dirtier you are the more you are bitten!

NOW: HOW TO KILL THESE MOTHAFISHES!

This is the most important part: Here is what your Biology teacher forgot to tell you! Forget about sijui cutting grass and getting rid of stagnant water and all that bullshit that will not work!

1. THE TOWEL!

Buy an extra towel! Not for the bathroom but for hitting these buzzers! A towel is heavy and will cover a massive surface area! You will always get your target!

Note: Watch the light bulb. Dont get too excited now!

2. THE INSECTICIDE

Do not buy any that has that ‘odorless’ bullshit written on it… Not even mosquitoes can smell that shit! It will make them dizzy and they will fall on the ground only to get back right UP!!! An example is that ‘Louise the Pest’ guy! That mosquito is in all the Doom ads AND THEY EXPECT US TO BELIEVE THAT SHH* IS SUPPOSED TO WORK!!!

There is also that thing you plug on the wall… Another joke! Next time you go shopping, buy the one with the worst smell… I suggest RAid or Ridsect! Or if you can live through it THE MOSQUITO COIL!! That coil will even kill you if you are not careful!

3. TIME TO DIE!

These insects are exactly like vampires! If wounded, they will bite you to live… For example if you spray the whole place with insecticide, they will fall on the ground or bed or wherever…. but if they find you, they will feed on you and fly away for backup!!! The secret is simple… Spray the room and leave for about two hours… You will find war victims on the floor! So plan your time well!

4. THE DIVERSION!

This will not kill them but it will immensely reduce the number to kill! Always make sure all the doors and windows to everyone elses room is open except yours! This will lead all the mosquitos right to them and forget you… This is a bit evil… but then again, this world is only for the strong-willed!

5. THE FART

Do not fuckin’ fart!

and lastly

6. AN OPEN MIND

I am lying I don’t know a sixth way to kill mosquitoes… I just felt like using, ‘HAVE AN OPEN MIND’ and now I have used it twice!!! 😉

Have yourself a mosquito-less night my love!

The first paragraph of this letter was written by King Henry IV of France (1553-1610) to Gabrielle d’Estr from the battle field. Read more here

Thank you http://insects.about.com/od/flies/a/10-facts-about-mosquitoes.htm for helping me out with this one!

 

CHRIS!

Dear Doris,

Since I left you, I have been constantly depressed. My happiness is to be near you. Incessantly I live over in my memory your caresses, your tears, your affectionate solicitude. The charms of the incomparable Doris* kindle continually a burning and a glowing flame in my heart. When, free from all solicitude, all harassing care, shall I be able to pass all my time with you, having only to love you, and to think only of the happiness of so saying, and of proving it to you?

My tummy is hurting so bad as I write this… I have had a tummy ache from yesterday! But that is not my story… Even-though its a letter on its own! The drama!

I will be fast! I am not known to lie to you Doris, but please allow me to contort a few parts of this letter to the identity and feelings of those who are involved. I will be using big words today because I woke up feeling a little extra intelligent today!

My exemplum shaggy dog story inaugurates at the gate of our Kileleshwa home! Let me annotate.

My brother normally uses the Nissan Patrol and I the Toyota Fortuner. This is why: My brother is a better risk taker! The Patrol does not have insurance! The sticker on the wind shield boldly discerns that it had expired some day in April last year or the year before… I am not sure! I am blind! Lets move! You already know that my DL was revoked many years ago because I had it at 16… I just got a new one last Monday! If was to have an accident in that car I would do life in Kodiaga!

I feel like this story is stretching far more than it should… So ill just jump into the action.

I am driving down Jamhuri EState. The car suddenly comes to a halt… It couldn’t have been fuel because I had just put 700 worth of it… I try restarting it numerous time with no eminence whatsoever! Did I mention I was using the Patrol?! yeah!

I am sitting in this car alone in the dark… Trying to figure out a way out of this.

A group of 4 men walk towards the car… My heart at this point is flagellating dangerously… I fear for a heart attack! One of them runs his finger on the body of the car… at this point, I am a blink close to shiting my pants!

“we boy, tukusaidiaje?” one of them utters in conjectural speech… Clearly drunk!

Its like I am sitting on ice… My heart had for sometime now stopped beating… It had totally lost its myogenic capabilities! I was riding on a prayer!

They hover around for a bit and leave…

These are my people: You have probably read about them here. The one in orange is Lemi, the one is green is my brother Pasta, The one between the is Sam, The one in the white polo shirt is Leon, the head is Gideon and I am the one in black!

I get back to trying to start the car! NOTHING!

I call my cousin Gideon! He tells me he is on his way…

A man then comes to my window and without saying hello…

“hapa hautatoboa dakika tano kabla kuibiwa…” he says

My windows are rolled up… I am looking at him stupefied by his statement!

“Nataka kukusaida…” he adds before I said a word!

I am still astonished by this randomness… NO ONE HELPS YOU IN NAIROBI!!! WHAT DID THIS MAN WANT! I deduce he is a thug and call Gideon to hurry up! Please note that my Blackberry is dying!

“Toka kwa gari tuiskumehadi shopping centre hapo mbele. Hapa ni hatari sana!” This man wouldn’t shut the f*ck up! Plus he wanted me out of the car! NOT HAPPENING SIR!

“Najua hauniamini ndugu yangu! Mimi nataka tu kukusaidia! Kama hauniamini, we kaa ndani ntakuskuma pekee yangu! Weka free!” He says and goes to the back… I do as he says!

If you know a Nissan Patrol, you already know how big and heavy this machine is! It weighs like 7,000,000 tonnes! He starts pushing! I call Gideon again!

I can hear him panting at the back! I almost felt sorry for him… BUT THERE WAS NO WAY I WAS COMING OUT OF THAT CAR!

He pushes for almost 200 metres and stops to rest! I was feeling terrible inside… I really wanted to help him help me but in my city, Nairobi, you can’t trust even an angel!

He pushes again for a short while then stops again! At this point I can see the shopping centre he was talking about! I couldnt see it before… I say a short quick prayer and I come out of the car to help! THAT CAR IS SO HEAVY I THINK I FARTED ONCE OR TWICE PUSHING!

We get to the shopping centre and I park the car!

I knew he wanted money so for the hard work, I hand him 500 bob!

The man refuses to take it!! WHO WAS THIS MAN!!!!

“Asante lakini sitachukuwa pesa yako! Usalama wako ni malipo ya kutosha!” he says

WHO THE HELL WAS THIS MAN!!!

He sits on the curb next to the car. I insist he takes the money as my gratitude! It took a long while before he took it! He genuinely didn’t want the money! We talk about random things!

‘marafiki zako wako karibu?” he asks.

“Ndio” I reply

“haiya basi nitakaa na wewe hadi wafike alafu niende zangu!”

WHO THE HELL WAS THISS MAN!!!!?

Gideon and Leon arrive in 10 minutes and the guy says, “Nakutarajia mema!” and walks away! His name is Chris and he is a City Hopper conductor!

Gideon, Leon and I push the car to a safe place and leave.

We go to Mercury where I have a bottle of soda before I go home…

I have his number and felt the need to say thank you again. I text, “Anasnte sana kwa kunisaidia.”

“Thankx also God bless U.” he replied!

The first paragraph of this letter is derived from Napoleon’s letter to his ex-wife Josephine. I have changed names though. The ruthless French leader had a sweet side for his wife Josephine. Although he divorced her when she could not have children, he continued to write to her. A few days after they were married, Napoleon left to command the French army near Italy. In the following months, he frequently wrote, expressing how much he missed her. He wrote the following on July 17, 1796:

Read more: http://newsfeed.time.com/2012/02/14/top-10-famous-love-letters/#napoleon-bonaparte-to-his-wife-josephine#ixzz1pvlrGJyJ

 

THE KIKUYU MAN & HOW TO KILL A MOSQUITO!

Dear Doris,

My undying love for you is obvious and evident. How are you my love? I have just got a call from some weird number that a man walked out of your house this morning… Baby, what is going on?

I have a lot of stories today, thats why I have written to you twice today.

This post might sound tribalistic but please be advised that that is not the case! If there is something you disagree with please let me know! This letter is about random things I have noticed SOME Kikuyu men do.

I am a Luo man!

The Kikuyu man:

(**please be advised that not all Kikiyu men behave like this**)

1. The gold* chain!

Gold chains are classy  and in many cases a sign of wealth!

The Kikuyu man: Please be advised that the brown chain you wear round you neck is an eye sore! If you insist that you have to have something around your neck, and you insist you have to use minimal funds, try a gold plated chain… I dont wear gold chains, so I might be wrong on this one…

2. The Mary Mother of Jesus Pendant!

Ok here I am going to graze the hearts of two vast communities; the Kikuyu man and those who wear these pendants!

I am a staunch christian and will not hate on other religions! But surely, that blue pendant does not go well with your already unpleasant brown chain! But you do your thing!

3. The un buttoned shirt!

Dear Kikuyu man, Its sometimes very classy to unbutton your shirt! By unbutton i mean the top button… My friend sasa ukitoanisha vifunguo tano utasaidiwaja jameniiii! Your whole unhealthy hairy chest cavity faces the world! Si hata wewe unaona sasa? Which leads me to my next point…

4. Your health

Rick Ross passes for showing off his unhealthy physique because of his money and spending it…

The kikuyu man; I KNOWWWWW you have money, probably more than us Luos. Ukikataa gym, wear something nice to cover that mess up… Then again, what do I know!

5. Your shirt collar outside your jacket!

I have noticed you dont like wearing ties! Is it just me? I am not saying you start now!

With your un buttoned shirt, you lay your wild shirt collar on your jacket giving the public plain view of the dirt on the lining of your collar! Plus it looks terrible! Always have your shirt collar inside your jacket! OR WEAR A TIE!

6′ The phone pouch strapped to your belt!

Ok even my dad does this! I DO NOT APPROVE! It was cool at some point, if you use original products, it might still pass… But those maasai phone pouches dont work! Ai! Hapana! You look like you are walking around with a dagger!

7. Your ringtone

Sir, why do you go for the worst ringtone on your phone system!?! Simple trick, use the phones default ringtone. It might not be melodious to the hearing organs but it might pass… Like if you have a nokia, use the turururu turururu turururu ruuuu tone! it’s a classic.

8. Your smokey hands

Ok I don’t know where you get these from!

9. The suit that does not fit.

Ok, listen very carefully, if you got out to buy a suit… Tell the guy selling the suit that you need a suit that fits… Not just a suit! It’s important to know your size!

10. The tag on the sleeves of your suit!

You’d be committing a massive faux pas by leaving it on!

Ok I researched about this particular one before I included it because I thought I might be wrong. Turns out I am right! REMOVE THE F*CK*N TAG BEFORE YOU WEAR THE SUIT MAN!!!! You will not believe this but according to my reasearch, its only cheap suits with the sleeve tag…. This is why: Cheap suits flock the racks and the sellers use the sleeve tags to browse! They are for the seller to identify the suit; si yako kufloss nayo!

I am done!

I am tired so I will teach you how to kill a mosquito on Monday!

 

 

 

SUCCESS

My Love,

There is no greater moment of victory than slapping randomly into the air in the dark and killing a mosquito you did not expect to kill!

~Ian Arunga

 

ITALIAN JOB

My Lover,

I have 3 very important things to tell you today mi amor (ok what does mi amor mean? I hear it is mushy movies a lot so I am guessing its a mushy maneno)

MOVING RIGHT ALONG…

IMPORTANT THING NUMBER ONE – I love you.

Ok maybe i had only one very important thing to say

Let me ask you… Yes I am talking to you! As you look behind you… But yes, the person reading this… How many bank robbery movies have you watched? As in the excellent executions of the toughest robberies… As in wakina Oceans 11 and Italian Job and Oceans 12 and Inside Job and Oceans 13 and Fly Paper…. I could go on and on…

In the movies I have mentioned, theres planning… and training… and cool equipment… and guns and A BEAUTIFUL WOMAN… THERE IS ALWAYS A BEAUTIFUL WOMAN!!

Since I started watching these movies I have never thought to myself that I would ever use the knowledge I got from these movies… Dont worry, I did not rob a bank… But the plot is about to thicken… As in get padded!

My office is in Spring Valley… You might already know that its ‘rich man’s land’ A region where you pay 50,000 rent for an SQ is not for sofaras… By sofaras I mean you and I! Stop giving me that look like you can afford it! You cant!

We have a shopping centre… Total petrol station… A few shops, a chemist, the total store… an Equty ATM and a coffe house called Kahawa that sells a cup of coffee for 300! or some impossible value like that…

we have 3 Mpesa places… a random Mpesa stall between the Indian supermarket and the butchery… And inside the drug store… and one next to the ATM!

I hope you are paying attention to the details… It is very important for you to do so or you will not understand shit later on…

The random stall has a Kamba woman manning it… she is in her early 20s and bares a mustache. She smiles at every man and shows signs of ‘ASK ME AND I WILL SAY YES!’

The mpesa in the drug store is manned by a very rude unattractive Kikuyu woman who wears half moon glasses and a Benylyn lab coat. She looks like she has a degree… Her attitude is way above sea level! She is curt and does not wear a bra… her nipples are always sticking out of her lab coat… Not that I was looking… This means she is also trying to get someone who can see beyond her attitude… Even the bad ones need someone!

The 3rd Mpesa place is manned by an Indian lady… She is young! Very young… She barely has boobs but she is extremely beautiful… She works with her mum… She is nothing beyond 25 years… She doesnt look like she drinks and most of the time can pass for very focused! I have seen her once! She wasnt looking focused!

Now you have the blue print… Lets tackle the elephant in the room which is your uncertainity to what I am talking about…

I had an emergency and had to send someone money by Mpesa…

I don’t have an ID! Transacting without an ID is almost impossible…

AND NOW: THE ITALIAN JOB!

I have not had my ID for about 3 years now and I was sure this was going to come up at some point of my life… So I studied these three women in length… No Doris, I didn’t follow them home! I made sure I bought all my airtime from them to create some trust… I laughed with them and let them scratch my… my airtime for me 😀

I needed to deposit 20,000 without and ID… If it was you, who would you have gone for?

Here is who I went for… And how I went for it…

The Indian was the 1st one I crossed out. SHe consults her mother on issues she doesn’t fathom… Like if you don’t have and ID, she will ask her mom if its ok to take a photocopy of it… This joint meant dealing with two Indian women which is a bit tricky for a black man of my stature! She was out…

The Kikuyu at the drug store was a good shot… The rudest women are the easiest to take down… TRUST ME!!! The ones who will look at you from your head down are the ones who will sleep with you on the first date… All you have to do is show her that she can be broken!!

Before I go on, please look at these 3 women as 3 bank tellers in a bank and there’s a robbery about to take place… And I am well, Idris Elba! 

The naive Mkamba is an easy target… But always asks for your ID… She doesn’t bring sex into her business… It’s the easy targets that shock you… I was not ready for shock… It was a one time job… One BIG job…

I fix my collar and make my jacket…. then walk into the drug store…

(have you notice I have been using DRUG STORE?? haha! I think its funny)

Theres a fat Kikuyu man being served… I can tell he is Kikuyu because he has on a gold crucifix and has the three top buttons of his shirt un-buttoned his collar was out of his jacket… resting on the lapel! You know what I am talking about…

He didn’t have his ID and he wanted to withdraw 400 bob… The woman showed him the door… I panicked and followed him out before I was served….

I had to go back into the office to re think my plan… I went through all the facts one more time… took a glass of water and went out to execute THE BIGGEST MPESA TRANSACTION IN MY LIFE 😀

I was back in 5 minutes having deposited  the money without breaking a sweat…

I know you are wondering who I went for…

LISTEN…

“for a bank job to work, go for the oldest teller… Tell her she is beautiful..” Idris on Takers

I went for the Indians mother and told her she was looking amazing and so jealous about her husband… I flirted with her for a few minutes then ordered her daughter to deposit the money while the 50 old woman was still riding on my lies…

And that is the end of this robbery…

P.S – the quote I just gave from Takers by Idris Elba is non existent, That pause just needed a quote…

 

TAKING A STAND

My Love Doris,

I wake filled with thoughts of you. Your portrait and the intoxicating nights which we spent together have left my senses in turmoil. My Doris, I have come to realize life makes little sense with you not in my embrace. I refuse to accept the fact that we have to be apart in these trying times my love…I hope you are well!

This will be a short letter…

I am not sure if i am supposed to write what I am about to… I have been in enough shiiii* writing things I am not supposed to! But my love, I do not know how to hide things from you.

My sisters friend came over the other day… She was studying on the dinning table! I was seated across from her… Directly opposite actually… I was on my laptop writing to you! It was late… An hour past midnight perhaps… It was only the two of us awake in the house!!

Now before I continue I would like you to stop thinking in the direction you are thinking! I know in your head we are already naked… Please be patient…

we don’t talk… there’s nothing to talk about! I am punching on the keyboard with the rage of an insomniac! I don’t have my glasses so I am squinting at the screen… I would look around now and then just to be sure no demons were flying around the house… Funny thing is that I think she was looking for these demons also because every time I would look up… my eyes would meet hers! Please do not think this as a romantic gesture… I was just looking out for demons!

Still setting our scene:

Think of it weird but I like the feeling of the cold floor under my feet… I am barely in sandals around the house! So as I was typing away, I happened to have slipped off my left slipper! You and I both know how you slipper grows legs when it slips off under the table! All of a sudden you cannot find them (when you are looking for them with your feet) I am tall and I think I have mentioned that fact before… My legs go on forever! So you can picture the situation… I am feeling the floor with my bare legs for my slipper…. paying no attention to my surroundings!!

It wasnt long until my feet met hers!!! IT WAS SOOOO AWKWARD! I had just watched Shuga where the teenage girls uncle feels her with his leg under the table! Even though it was not intentional, I felt like a pedophile… I packed my laptop and went to bed, which made it even look more pedophile… But God knows I was looking for my slipper!

Good night my love…

 

 

SEX ON THE BEACH

My Doris,

I have been a walk this morning with a book in my hand, but as usual I have been occupied with nothing but you: I wish I could say in an agreeable manner. I am tormented day and night. They talk of my going to Italy. ‘Tis certain I shall never recover if I am to be so long separate from you: yet with all this devotion to you I cannot persuade myself into any confidence of you…

i tremble  at the thought of never seeing you again! I pray every night that i would see you soon… feel your tender touch… your soft lips against mine… your skin brushing against my own!

A friend once told me… “love is when she conquers your every thought!” Doris you reign my thoughts and tumble upon my dreams… YOu have complete power over me… I am weak before you my love!

I might act like i do not care sometimes…a simple mechanism to protect my heart from pain that you have put upon it before! A skill i throughly fail…

Mambo za love baadaye!

I have a story but ill make it short… its time for me to go to bed!

The other day i took a Walokana bus from my office to town…It was about 9pm. When we got to Globe roundabout* the bus slipped on the edges of Nairobi River! AS IN WE WERE GOING TO DIE!

Before we could plunge to our death I get off the bus and decide to walk to Odeon…

“boss hapa utpingwa ngeta! baki ndani ya basi tunatoka tu saa hii…” the makanga says!

I ignore the man completely…

Please be advised that since the over-pass was built THIS was one of the most dangerous places in town (i just guessed that) So i am walking fast… then in the darkness… A SHOAL OF CHOKORAS!My heart skipped several pumps… as in i had already pronounced myself dead!

To survive this, i had to walk back the opposite direction… AND FAST! So i did… AALL THE WAY ROUND GLOBE until the Central Police Station side…

I kept on hearing footsteps behind me… I couldnt look coz that is how people die in horror movies…I glimpsed under my glasses and saw a shadow… it wasnt mine coz mine was in front of me… I speed up… The shadow behind me speeds up too… I WAS BEING TAILED!! I widen my strides… But the shadow is still there… I TAKE OFF… MY LEGS RESCUE ME yani MGUU NIPONYE! I run fast! I ran for about 500 metres before i realised i was running from my own shadow!!! You know when you have 2 shadows??!

I laughed at myself all the way to Odeon!

I am typing this in the dark by the way… I know i make a lot of spelling errors but this time if you see a really weird spelling mistake it’s because I don’t use sonar!

 

I love you Doris,

Ian

The 1st paragraph of this letter is derived from the letter from John Keats to Fanny Brawne in 1820. John died not long after writing this letter. He was buried with an unopened letter from Fanny on his chest!

 

 

“YOU ARE ALL STUPID”

Dear Doris,

I promised I would be writing everyday plus this story is way overdue!  It is not my fault that I had a crazy weekend!

Please do not be misled by my title… In all honesty, that phrase made the weekend what it was! Let me explain!

We all like to fight… ok maybe not! I like to fight when i am sure i will over power my enemy completely!! If you look stronger than me… I WILL WALK AWAY APOLOGIZING! That is the discipline! Call me a coward… I AGREE WITH YOU ENTIRELY BODY AND SOUL!

I only fight under the following circumstances:

1. If I am with more than 10 of my friends who I know will have my back! and

2. If my enemy is in a comma and is not able to fight back…

My people (who are more than 10) and I are always at Brew Bistro every Friday evening! We are a big crowd! We sit at the same spot every time! If you frequent the place, you probably know us by now! At the balcony, we are always seated on your far right! It is safe to say, we are the noisiest! But stay with me, we are about to out-do ourselves!

We were leaving Brew Bistro at about midnight last Friday!

On our way down the stairs we meet some two random girls who were coming up… @ongaloK runs his fingers through one girl’s hair and it blows up! The girls at the top of their voices are throwing insults and calling us names… We are like 20 people, and we are all drunk! THE TWO BISHEZ DIDNT STAND A CHANCE! (please be advised that i dont call women bishez but it seemed appropriate at this point! I promise never to use it again!)

Below are the faces of a few criminals 😀

There is violent exchange of words between us and the two! @wamar , one of our mad friends puts her bag on the floor and is ready for a fight! She was almost folding the sleeves of her sleeveless blouse! The bouncers ask us to leave the two women alone and leave the building!

Let me explain something, we are VIPs here (na si kuringa) and are treated as such even when we are on the wrong! There was one time @mikemaltie , another friend, threatened to depot the Italian manager!

THE JUICY BIT IS 2 SECONDS AWAY!

We get to our cars and @mikemaltie new cars has been scratched! The car is hours old… Please note that its DRAMA from here onwards!

A random watchman comes and says he knows who did it… and he gets him!

A minute man walks towards us like he owns the place! He is nothing above 5 feet… He is dark and drunk! He is West African! He is not intelligent!

“So what do we do now?” @mikemaltie

“forgive me!” the fool replies with no remorse whatsoever!

@mikemaltie is getting pissed… A crowd is forming around us… Please note that this crowd is made up of our friends… In short, we surrounded the man!

“if it is fighting, I can beat all of you…” The midget spits! In my opinion, I would have suggested the first blow to land on him at this point… I dont undesrtand the delay till now!

“You are all stupid!” the man adds! This midget had the balls of the devil! The man had pushed his luck a bit too far…

@viconthemic threw the first blow that got him right across his face… ALL HELL BROKE LOOSE! Everyone wanted a piece… No one likes to be called stupid… I dont fight… but since I was stupid… I threw a kick that got the poor midget on his arm pit… he proceeded to run away with my shoe!

I am blind and didnt have my glasses so i was throwing punches blindly until I noticed I was beating up @mikemaltie instead of the midget!

One of our people kept on saying, “akel mach koso?” (should I bring my gun?)

The short man ran inside Brew and got lost! His car was parked next to ours… We deflated his tires… We are terrible citizens!

About 15 minutes later a man comes to us to apologize for scratching the car… HE WAS NOT THE ONE WE BEAT UP! The ‘patient’ was a passenger!

The midget also came out at some point and could not stop puking…

We left the place and headed to Quins…

In the 1st 10 minutes another fight had started… This time @ongaloK was fighting 3 bouncers! He was quickly joined by @viconthemic I was not going to contribute to this one… THATS HOW PEOPLE DIE!!! then i had what it was about…. Apparently @mamima22 ,  my small sister wad been harassed by one of them… I GOT IN 10 FOLD!

“we are going to close down this establishment!!!! Tomorrow we are coming here with lawyers! we have already closed down 3 clubs in the past because of this stupidity!” was @ongalok last remark!!

 

MALAYA MWEMA!

Dear Doris,

My Swahili is terrible! So my title simply means ‘Holy Slut’! If this is not what it means then I apologize! I have been away for a while now and my medulla is boiling with stories! I am not even sure where to start! I promise from now on i will try to write everyday like i used to 2 years ago! Lets not waste any time now!

Its Monday today! Just keep that little fact in mind! that’s all I am asking! I know it can become a bit difficult for a few of you when it comes to exercising the brain… Moving on!

I was at the bank on Friday! KCB Sarit to be exact! I had taken a friend! Yes I had that much free time and I was utterly bored at the office! But this is not the point! So I am comfortably seated on the seat in the banking hall waiting for my friend to finish! Theres absolutely nothing to do with your ‘free’ time in a bank! In a few minutes i had gone through all their brochures and boring magazines… Wait…. Their wasnt a single magazine! Some lady came to me twice to ask if ‘i had been assisted!’ Sounds like a brothel huh? ATI ASSISTED!!! SI TWENDE KWANGU UNI-ASSIST BASI MADAM! But this is not the point either!

I had been seated here for almost an hour now and was dozing off!  Then this tall woman walks in… YES IT IS ALWAYS ABOUT A WOMAN!

She is extremely dark… as in shes almost blue! You have probably already deduced that I wasnt interested! I don’t go for anything below 60 watts! It’s not her complexion that got me and the entire banking hall… ITS WHAT SHE WAS WEARING! OR SHOULD I SAY WHAT SHE WAS NOT WEARING!

Her heels were the height of a new pencil!

She was in a red blouse that was SOOO SEE THROUGH I could count the number of polka dots she had on her bra! AND I AM BLIND! I am not complaining! She was wearing those shorts women wear these days… with the high waist! Do you know them?

Her shorts were SHORT! As in they were so tiny you could glimpse at the foot of her ass! As in you could see that fold separating thigh from ass… I know you know this fold!

She was carrying a huge bag… You know the ones for ‘I will not be home till Thursday!’

it was something close to this.... just 10 times smaller!

The banking hall came to a halt! The money counting machines that are always rattling went quiet! The ringing phones… QUIET! As in for a fraction of a minute, she had the whole bank by its balls!

I was wide awake now…

She made her way swinging her ass to the ‘cheque deposit’ queue and posed… Yes… She posed at the end of the queue like a photographer was in the house! I was busy taking pictures with my bare eyes!

She had the X factor… You know those women who are completely not your type but there is an un-explainable force that just draws you to them? I call that THE X FACTOR!

The bank is back on its feet but every man in that hall is trying to steal a glimpse at this tall dark almost naked woman! Even the old men had their tongues out!

THIS NEXT PART IS THE FUNNIEST BIT!

OUR model’s phone rings!!!! HAHA! and her ring tone, “AKISEMA ATAKUBARIKI, HAKUNA ATAKAY ZUIA, KWANI YEYE NDIYE MUNGU something something  something!”

The phone couldn’t stop ringing and she couldn’t find it in her huge bag… She gave up on finding it and posed and let it ring… I laughed so loudly the guard asked me to leave the bank!!!