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My Doris,

My beautiful Doris, I love you without knowing how I am doing it! I find myself loving you with every myogenic muscle of my heart… I do not know when I am loving you… I have no clue how not loving you feels… I do not fathom how these floods of emotions get to me! Honestly speaking… From the bottom of my heart… I have no clue how not to love you… Come to me and let me smother you with love!

I write to you because I have missed you… With every word I write I imagine the reaction engulfing your face with every word you read… I want you to get more and more excited with every single paragraph… To get excited to the point where you have to stop and catch your breath at some point… But a part of me tells me you didn’t even tear open the envelope!

I was thinking about what to write about this morning… And like most times, I had nothing! Until I remembered BOOTLEGGERS!

Bootleggers is a club in Kisumu. Can you already feel the adrenaline? Ok, maybe not! After driving around Kisumu one Thursday night we decided to try out Bootleggers before we completely gave up on the dead Thursday night scene Kisumu offers! It is quite evident ‘Bendover Thursdays’ didn’t spill out of Nairobi and to the shores of Nam Lolwe…

On that particular night, Kisumu was completely asleep… Except for the random guy riding his bicycle in the dead of the night carrying a large woman who had her hands round him like he had jut promised her the world… I know the woman was very close to the man. Ignoring completely the way she dangerously embraced the man, her left cheek was errorlessly laid upon the rider’s back! Like she was asleep… She finally gets to lay her head on her lover after a long day at the Oile Market! The mud guard of the bicycle written poetically, ‘Mapenzi bila jaso’ The perfect love story.

We get to Bootleggers and it felt like it was on a different time zone! The place was pregnant with human beings uncontrollably pouring out of the tiny entrance… Young slender girls wearing tiny white shorts and knee-high boots and cowboy hats had tequila bottles in holsters around their waists. I see these ones everywhere! Whose idea was this?

We get in and the place was wild…

Let me explain, Nairobi women dance… But Kisumu women GET DOWN!!! And it is alllll of them! It was like walking into a shoal of dancers! A few steps into the club and there, right there, on the floor, was a woman dancing on her hands, being wheelbarrowed by a dreadlocked man in red Timberland boots… Not too far from her was another woman atop the shoulders of another man… I am just trying to say that the place was a zoo…

The DJ was a wide Luo man definitely of Jamaican decent or wished so hard to be… He uttered meaningless words that got the crowd soooo pumped up! He would go like, “Anadi quagmaya, an di dimpling… And di boombooclat rasta… PWOOO PWOOO!” And the crowd would go like, “PWWWOO PWWOOO!”

All of us get a table right in the middle of all the conundrum. Every now and then an ass would hit my head… I wouldn’t complain though!

Totally out of topic: There is a breed of women in wielding big buttocks called ‘Socialites’. If whoever knighted them would by any chance travel to Nyanza, a huge ass percentage would automatically be knighted as such… See what I did there? huge ass percentage? Oh forget it!

Back to my tale!

I notice two women seated at the bar… One large and the other almost half her size. They were extremely conspicuous! Everyone was vigorously dancing, a calm should would stand out like the devil in a cloud of angels!

Let me explain my dilemma… I like big women but the small woman was wayyyy prettier! I am blind, so before I make a move I decide to take a wing-man with me.

We walk to the women and my wingman quickly picks the big girl, which I had no problem with… Let me explain why!

The big girl was ‘big’ which gave her like 44%. But that was it. She wore an avocado green blouse… I hate everything to do with avocados! She was wearing those denim pants with rips across the thighs. And because she was really big, she poured out of them. It didn’t look nice… I like neat and rips do not excite me! Then she could not shut the hell up… For a human being who speaks from the top of her lungs, it was the last trait I expected. Imagine a woman who talks REALLLY LOUD… NON STOP! Then last but definitely not least, she had a mole under her chin that could set off a metal detector!

The tiny one on the other hand was quiet… She wore a white vest and an Ankara pencil skirt… At least some art in her! She covered her shoulders with her black jacket… She hadn’t worn the jacket… She just placed it on her shoulders… So divine! She had her arms crossed which is a terrible sign…

I get her talking. In half an hour, I learn she is a farmer (WHICH WAS TOTAL BOLLOCKS BECAUSE HER EQUITY BANK NAME TAG WAS STILL ROUND HER EFIN NECK) But then again she might have been… She farms strawberries…. (TOTAL EFIN BOLLOCKS) or maybe she did! She is drinking white wine. Drinking white wine like it is Dextrosalt! She had 3 glasses in half an hour… Good thing is I got here laughing! Marilyn Monroe says, “If you can make a girl laugh, you can make her do anything!”, so I go for the total clown… The harder she laughs the closer I am yes?

Maybe this is how the Strawberry Farmer saw me in there!

Wait! Did I mention I had chicken tikka for dinner on that day? And I am totally lactose intolerant? And chicken tikka has like loads of yoghurt? Well, if not then this here is the twist!

My tummy at this moment is rumbling out of control and it was getting hard to differentiate the need to pee and the dire need to shit! That is when you know shits hitting the fan!

I excuse myself… I am in the toilet… I have my projectile pointed at the urinal but I am scared to piss… Because I feel things move inside me withe the slightest release of my bladdular muscles! Taking a piss was risking way too much… So I decide to do it… Take a shit in the club… NEVER TAKE A SHIT IN THE CLUB!!!

I take like 5 minutes immaculately layering tissue paper on the toilet seat because no one knows what diseases lurk on that clay… You might catch a cold… Or worse, a cough!

I am seated doing my thing… Going through Instagram on my phone… My small bro comes to check on me because I told him I had a bad tummy…

Then guess what…

Wait: Did I mention the toilet doesn’t have a lock!? If not then here is a twist…

The door flung open almost sending it off its hinges and there stood The Strawberry Farmer! Looking straight into my innocent eyes… She stood there for a second, which is a second too long for this particular situation… And she got in right in the middle of a good push… My life, as I knew it then, was finished!

The farmer does not even apologise!

I stay food a bit longer… My almost full Heineken is erect next to her glass of wine… I was torn between getting that one and buying a new one…

Life as we know it, is really short… People have to take risks… So I go and take my beer… The farmer wouldn’t even look at me… Like instead of shitting, she coughs strawberries…

I think I really shocked her… But then again, what was she doing in the men’s? Oh shit… Was she a man?

I am sorry about the title. How else would I have gotten your attention?!

P.S: Have you voted for Dear Doris for Blog Awards Kenya today? Dear Doris was nominated for Best Creative Blog & Best Blog of the Year 2014. Please vote for me us here: http://www.blogawards.co.ke

 

WHAT BIG YELLOW WOMEN SHOULD WEAR ON A FIRST DATE

Dear Doris,

I am seated in front of this computer thinking about how to start this letter… I am completely blank… I will be ok from the second paragraph onwards… Normally on this paragraph, the first, I confess my love for you… And explain in what quantities I have missed you, which, since I started writing to you, have always been immense… I cannot recall when I was not missing you… Or thinking about you… I can not remember not ever-loving you… I am sitting here torturing my insides, holding on to us… Is there even an us anymore? All I am holding on to, I guess, is what I have for you… The love… The memories… A thin strand of string… But it will have to do…

A while back someone reminded me that I had promised to write about how women should dress on a first date… Well here goes nothing! This manual is for yelo yelo plus sized women! *dinner edition*

A study by Ian Arunga

NOTE: If you show up yelo, pretty, intelligent and ‘big’ donning tiny feet, you, my dear, are dressed to kill… But there are some details we have to go through… Let us talk about how that beauty should be wrapped… Best gifts are always wrapped, yes?And isn’t it just wayyyyy better to unwrap a well wrapped gift than otherwise? Ok I am losing focus!

This letter will revolve around this one sentence – Wear a black dress with contrasting shoes!

Need I say anything really?! Look how attractive her knees are! #fatknees

The Black Dress – (or any dark colour. Not red)  I think all women should have a black dress! (my yelo yelo women) You know that black dress that ends right above your knee? By right above the knee I mean nothing more that a 5 bob coin above the knee… The knee is very important… I like a fat yelo knee… 🙂 There is some sexiness in knees… Let this black dress fit well… Just enough to whisper to the world, “Yes… Those are my FUNDAMENTOZ!” Not loose and not TOO tight…

I feel black is the best colour for a dress because it does not threaten eye contact during a conversation. Eye contact is very important. You want to keep this man’s eyes on yours. Nothing busy. Nothing that will get his eyes off your lips moving… Your jet black hair swaying left and right with every slight swing of the head. Your teeth (I like teeth). Your smile… Give the man a chance to notice every single detail your head holds… NOW YOU IF YOU GO ON WEARING AN ODM ORANGE DRESS WITH BEES ON IT HOW DO YOU WANT THE MAN TO NOTICE YOUR SMILE?!

Cover enough to let lust fight for its rights! Cleavage is good… Not CLEAVAGE! Show off the tip of the parting of your breasts… Anything more would be suggesting things even you did not know were suggesting! When the man loses eye contact to look at your dress, let it be because he really likes it and not want to tear it off just yet… (wear red for that… or white)!

Do not try out a new dress on a first date… unless you are a stunt man…

I really like these shoes… Exactly what you should wear with that black dress…. Then are you seeing the way it goes with the yelo yelo skin?? Yes!

The shoes – Men lie to themselves that they can tell how good a woman is by their shoes…. use this utter stupidity against them. Wear shoes that are easy to spot… By easy to spot I do not mean the Gaga ones without heels and multiple spikes… We want to impress the guy… Not kill him and use his flesh to make a dress!

I suggest something bright coloured… Let them be elegant… Them being bright gets the man’s attention. Them being classy elegant totally uses them judging you by your shoes against them! Avoid black shoes…. Black, like I said, is very easily ignored. Confuse the man a bit.Stay away from white shoes… and thigh high boots… Or anything with fur!

The shoes should be comfortable… You look terrible trying to balance on 6 inch stilts that you are not used to… In fact, wear flats if you have to… Do a test before your date — if you can’t walk normally in them, leave them at home.

The jewellery – Nothing that jingles loud enough to the human hearing level. Leave that to inmates donning handcuffs! And Pharaoh. Choose a metal or stone ad stick to it… If you are a gold person… Do gold all through… If you are going to do pearls… STICK TO PEARLS… Do not go out looking like something that was dug from the earth’s very core!

Avoid earrings that tag on your ears… Elongated ears are not the prettiest of sights!

The handbag – No back packs! Then those handbags the size of body bags – Yu are not going to spend the rest of you life at his house starting ‘tonight’ you realise! I thoroughly advise a clutch purse that matches your shoes… There are shops in England that sell the two together 😀 And a purse is mandatory… At least look like you can pay for something…

The Lipstick – ok… If you know how to put it on… Do it! Avoid the ones with adjectives such as hot, wet, sexy, lusty… The bright colours that is… And if you look in the mirror and all you see is, “WHY SO SERIOUS!” then take it off…

Men hate make up… Yes? Ok I hate make-up! Let me reprise that… I hate overdone make-up… Leave that to Kiini Macho! Put just enough… I do not want your face print on my shirt when I hug you… My shirts are quite costly…

The Phone – This, believe it or not, is part of your outfit and how you behave with it is extremely important! Listen, men are the most jealous animals on earth after parrots and the second you text or answer a call… their turf is immediately threatened. Put the thing on aeroplane mode. Let it be on and thats it! Then put it back online after the date, most advisable when he is dropping you home… Then pray a text comes in… Do not read it… THIS WILL F*CK HIM UP A GOOD ONE!

And lastly…

Honesty – This is the the bow on the wrap…

 

 

 

5 Cops & A Virgin

My Diamond Doris,

I have improved my flower… Not a week has passed since my last letter. Thoughts of you would not let another second pass. I have just read the last letter I wrote to you. I want to apologise for my stupidity. I was not serious about the threats. I made fool out of myself and proved unworthy of your love… I hope this apology finds your heart like you found mine!

I have a head ache. It is not like any headache I have had before. It has been going on for 3 days straight now. It is not strong, so it is very easy to ignore it. My love, I might be dying.

My fuel light has been on since Thursday last week. I am yearning for drama. The thing just won’t stall!

I left the house early today for work… My alarm went off after when I was having breakfast…

On my way to work i meet about 6 traffic cops. It’s a very short distance to work, so 6 is on the higher ide. A random cop is always walking around the Kileleshwa Police station. Most of the time he is buying maize or just dizzily walking around thinking of all his problems… 2 are always at the Chiromo bus stop! These are the trickiest ones. I am coming back to these ones, my story lies there.

Another two random cops are always at the Westlands roundabout, one of them, more often than not, a woman… Spending your day in jail, as you can see, can be arranged with no effort… Lets go back to the two niggas at Chiromo cops stop.

These cops have piki pikis so there is no escaping these ones!

Scene 1 Act 1

I am listening to a gospel CD I just got. Something has always told me nothing goes wrong when you are driving and jamming to some praise and worship jams. That something has been right… Until today!

I get to Chiromo and I am pulled over! Normally when this happens, you quickly go through a list of what might get you into shit* before the cop gets to your window!

I go through my list… I was on the phone, I have no ‘life savers’, I have no idea where my spare wheel is, I have no clue where my driving licence is… I have never had an ID, I am not  wearing my seat belt, I can’t remember when my insurance is supposed to be expiring so it might have even expired! And my fuel light is on… I am not sure if that is a crime or not!

As is, I deserve a life sentence…

The man walks straight to my insurance sticker… He looks at it for a little while then walks to my window! My heart is now on the back seat… I am so lifeless!

“Fungua boot kijana,” he spits… I oblige!

I was in the shitter for sure!

The boot slams shut!

Then he comes to my window! I was waiting for him to read me my rights!

“Unafika Westlands hapo roundabout?” the uniform asks with no shame! I am currently in a state that does not allow me to be a bitch… “Ndio boss!” I answer… Praising him!

He walks to the co driver’s side and gets in!!!!

WHAT THE FUCH WAS GOING ON!!! HOW THE HELL DID I FORGET TO LOCK MY DOORS!!!

“Twende!” He orders… The balls in this man were just amazing!

I had graduated from fear to anger! I was about to hit a cop (exaggeration kidogo)

“Ebu rudisha volume chini kidogo!” He orders… I oblige!

My leather bag was placed at his feet… He takes it and places it on the back seat… I was going to ram into the truck in front of us and kill us both! He had reached the nerve that comes after the last one!

I can’t speed because some stupid truck in front of me and I can’t overtake because of… because… Wait, why didn’t I think of this?!

We get to Westlands roundabout and I am pulling over…

“Unafika Sarit?” he asks just before I stopped…

“Yezz!” I respond… “Haiya, tuendelee…” He mutters!

Just before we get to Sarit he spits, “HAPO!” I styop right in the middle of the road as the man ordered…

“Kijana, nani alikufundisha kuendesha???” He asks, disgusted…

I almost answered, “Your mother!”

I could not wait for this man to get out of my car… He smelt of bananas and spat like a platypus with every word he said!

I was right in the middle of the road and I was not going to move until this man came out! I had had enough!

The Platz behind me is hooting senseless! Which was more annoying!

The cop is rooted on his seat waiting for me to drive to the side of the road!!!

“Shuka!” I say! I have no idea how it came out… I thought I had said it in my head! The Platz behind me was stroking my last nerve!

The cop is now looking at me bewildered!

“Ebu nipe lizens!” he says sticking out his hand!!!

He had played a winning card!! I was screwed!

“Toka nikupe!” I was now seducing trouble! I was fuched either way!

The fool comes out! I don’t understand human beings!

Something told me to speed off… I did not!

“Sina hapa!” I answer!

“Nimechelewa. Niende?” I continue!

There was a tiny demon that was just going on and on!!!! I was being an idiot but I could not stop myself! It scared me! I was still in the middle of the road! The Platz behind me had managed to go round me… It stopped next to me and its windows rolled down to reveal an extremely unattractive woman. I couldn’t see her face but her silhouette was just irregular! She drove off…

“Bahati yako… ENda!” the cop spits!! I did not understand this one bit. I was being an idiot and he let me get away with it! Something was not right… There was a warp on the law…

OR maybe it was just my gospel music 🙂

 

 

 

 

Letter from Doris?

I got this in my email inbox last night from a Dorcas* and got a little too over excited. I have not edited it in any way or made any changes. I think I might have found Doris. (Guest Post)

My dear Ian,

It is your true love Dorcas* writing to you…even as I write this I am in a state of shock. First of all, I don’t know why you insist on calling me Doris, when you well know that the name I was given at birth was Dorcas. It makes me think that maybe you are ashamed of me..or worse of our love.

Dearest Ian, as I write this, my heart trembles for you, and yet I am ever so confused. All these love letters that you have written pining for me, and I never received one. In fact, it took Mercy’s sister-in-law’s, house-help’s auntie who told me about the blog. Imagine my surprise to find that for months – nay years, you have been declaring your love for me to the world.

Yet, I don’t understand it…first of all, I have never received one single letter from you. Furthermore, I live just down the street – why would you not come straight to me and tell me….unless there is another Dorcas who you have named Doris that you are writing to?

I spent many hours last night reading and reading and reading, and I have to confess –  my heart shattered into a million pieces. On one hand you declare your love for me, and on the other you constantly talk about these yellow-yellow padded girls. It breaks my heart when you know that I am quite the opposite of that – are you taunting me on purpose?

Well, I have to tell you, you have competition. Last night I received an x-rated message from one Njugu George who sells peanuts at the roundabout at Westlands. He is much more poetic than you, and even calls me baby. Let me tell you – you have competition. And it doesn’t matter that he is only 15 years old.

I write this letter to you so that you can see that I love you, but clearly our relationship is in jeapordy. I am too tired to write more..my love, I pine for you. Forget those yellow-yellows..they only want you for your style. Come back to me.

Yours forever,

Dorcas*

 

DOREEN..

Doris,

She is beautiful…i knew she was beautiful even before i saw her. I couldnt wait the human being who was carrying the purple croc mock bag!! I had fallen in love eons before she walked in!!! HAHA! But that is yesterday's drama…

Moving on…

Remember the compositions in primary school? the way you had to use all the english phrases you knew coz each would get you a mark!! Claudette and I were talking about these compositions yesterday and God knows i miss writing them!! So i googled a KCPE composition sample paper. It goes like this:

Below is the begining of a story. Write and complete the story, making it as interesting as possible.

I packed my belongings and sneaked out of the house while……..

 

MY FATHER'S OMBEKI

I packed my belongings and sneaked out of the house while he snored his sorrows away! A girl of my status did  not have much or need much. Not even an education! All i had was a lesso and my three year old child, Ombeki. The sound of the snores hit the walls of our once beautiful hut in ugly echos!! I looked at him one last time before I slowly shut the squeaky door!

"I wish you well my love… I wish you well", I said to myself. Never to look back again!!

The night was silent with occasional chirping of crickets and croaking of frogs!! The stars lit the narrow path and the moon walked with me! My only friends, the moon and the stars were. Thorns pricked my bare heels as the path narrowed! I could feel my blood picking up soil beneath my feet… but this was not the time to turn back!

Thoughts of what had happened earlier that day clouded my mind! Sadness reverbarated whithin my heart. i bit my lower lip so hard that i could taste my own blood!!

"She will marry him!!!", My father shot at my mother. 

"Baba Anyango, she has barely recovered from the circumsission!! It is not even part of our custo…..", She had not finished her sentence when my father landed a heavy slap on her face that saw her halfway across the room!! She said no more!

"May that be the last time woman!!" my father sput and stormed out of the hut with the energy of a horse. The man whose child i carry!

There was only one man who agreed to marry me, Onikwe, the man I love… the man i left behind! He was the only one who would accept a disgrace that is myself. A sixteen year old girl with her father's child did deserved nothing more than a sneer, but here was a man who was willing to take me and my retarded child in and all he asked for was for me to be circumssised! I did not complain! But the pain I went through when his friends jeered at him was too much for me to bare!!

"Village idiot" they called him.

Ombeki was now lurching violently on my back, jerking his hands and shouting out things only he would understand! I lay my lesso on the ragged earth and lay Ombeki on it!! His eyes reflected te evening sky. They were like galaxies before me! He calmed down! Every time i would try lifting him up, he would punch and kick violently… This was as far as we would go on that night!

I was woken up by a wet sensetion at the heel of my left foot!! I shot up up to my feet! Before me was a vast field covered in shrub! near my feet was a scrawny puppy that was licking the dry blood under my feet..

OMBEKI???!!!!

 Picture from:

http://soulblossom.files.wordpress.com