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A WATERFALL OF SH*T


My Dear Doris,

I can’t remember the last time I wrote to you my Love. The truth is, I went silent to see if you really cared. To see if you will write back to check if I am alive. I have since learnt that you do not care. Which kills me. But it is fine Doris. It is not like I chose to fall madly in love with you right? It is not like I planned to meet you! It is not that God decided to plant the fullest of hips on you… Or naturally lighten your skin… Doris, what I am trying to say is, it is not my fault to have fallen this deeply for you. It is not my fault! And it kills me that you treat this like it is my fault! We loved each other Doris. Madly! What happened to us? What happened to us sensing the other was not well.. What happened to those long hours in each others arms? What happened to ‘We do not care what our parents think?’… What happened? I miss you.

You do not pick calls anymore. It sure felt good being able to call you when ‘Sura Yako‘ by Sauti Sol came on the radio. Our song! I have decided it is our song! You know how much I love Sauti Sol.

I am writing this as I listen to Michael Bolton! With ear phones lodged deep in my ears! I listen to Michael Bolton when I am writing. I am embarrassed. But I feel theres no better jams to pour your heart out to that Michael Bolton… Especially when it is a sad story! His voice is just the right pitch for telling a sad story.

A lot has happened since I last wrote. Nothing ‘near death’ though!

I have been having a difficult time sleeping the past few days! I like sleeping, and I conc* out in seconds no matter what is on my mind. That is why I can watch horror movies so easily in the dead of the night when I am alone. I will not have issues sleeping through a good exorcism movie! I have slept like a baby right after a bad break up! I will cry, yes… Lakini saa ya kulala ni saa ya kulala! I remember one time in primary school my mum was called in by the deputy head teacher because she thought I was sick. I had slept the whole day! Hehe! Also, without an alarm, I can be asleep 17 days mfululizo*! I like my sleep and if it gets to a point where I can’t sleep, it is a BIG! Let me explain!

The Upper Hill Falls!

The Upper Hill Falls! And 200k apartments in the background!

I live in Madaraka. A railway line separates Madaraka from Upper Hill. The apartments opposite mine (on the Upper Hill side) cost 200k a month! So that railway line is just the world telling me, ‘LANES NIGGA… LANES!’

About a month ago a sewage pipe blew up on the Upper Hill side. Not the usual 3mm pipe burst you see everyday. This was some major shit transporter! It got worse with every passing day! It was a water fall in a week! And I am not exaggerating! Please try to take out the picture of a waterfall of shit from your head, because it wasn’t anything like that! Just RAW water. Does that make sense? It is just green water that looks like it would satisfy a medium skuma wiki farm. It looked quite rich!

So, of late, I have learnt to sleep with the sound of a water fall in my back yard. Which is not so bad. It is soothing… Sleeping to the sound of high velocity water hitting the ground is quite heavenly. It is almost like rain hitting the walls of your apartment… It is like sitting in your car and watching rain hit your wind shield. I am trying to tell you that it is nice! Everyone knows how beautiful it is to sleep to the sound of rain!

Now imagine I have been sleeping to this waterfall for a month then Nairobi City Water and Sewerage Company decide to fix it! One of the few things they are doing right is wrong! I am still mad at them for bursting my water metre! Now I can’t sleep. Madaraka Resort and Spa is now just Madaraka!

This one is for K-Waxx who can recite almost all my letters to Doris word for word!

Important Note: I thoroughly appreciate my readers. Very few things give my heart the same warmth as when a fan goes, “Dear Doris!” You mean a lot to me.

Another important note: My blogger friend @MagungaWilliams is contesting for a really big #Samsung tv. If he win this huge #Samsung tv, he gets to give whomever he chooses another #Samsung tv. I have no clue how this works but I want that other #Samsung tv. I have no idea what one is supposed to do or how one is supposed to do it… All I know is everyone who wants this other #Samsung tv keeps on using the hash tag #Samsung all over the place. Read @MagungaWilliams’ work here Real G so that he can win tvs for all of us. Also comment there telling him it is me he should give the #Samsung tv to!

 
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Posted by on October 30, 2014 in comedy, random, short comings

 

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WHEN TO USE YOUR MIDDLE FINGER!


My Love Doris,

I really have bad manners. I apologise. It has been over a month since I last wrote… And I do not have an excuse! Does love have an excuse? Dos it ever? Please don’t stop talking to me because I am not sure if I will survive it. I am certain I have enough FluGone to silence my heart… It is dangerous having a 12 capsule drug that treats you on its 3rd capsule… So many pills lying around… This is no threat my love… If anything, it is my unDYING love!

Enough!

So I haven’t written all this while because I have been thoroughly involved in the planning of the Storymoja Festival that ran 5 days, from 17th to the 21st of September. I swear to whomever you are most comfortable swearing to that I have never seen anything like that. It was amazing I tell you. It was a lot of work though. We barely slept at Storymoja during that period and before. Hundreds of local and international guests… 80 interns and a team of barely 20 men and women with 5 walkie talkies and thousands of literature lovers to satisfy. The only time I had to rest, Saturday night, was spent jumping and dancing at the Sauti Sol, Berry Heart, Dizraeli & Airosh (did I spell that right?) concert! I have ripped 12 trousers dancing to Sauti Sol… 12 my guy! So be advised that Sauti Sol time… Is gym time! I realised that was a terrible idea when I couldn’t move my waist Sunday morning!

This was me at the Sauti Sol concert at the Storymoja Festival

This was me at the Sauti Sol concert at the Storymoja Festival

If I continue telling you about the Storymoja Festival now, I will not have enough time to tell you what I had planned to tell you. I will leave a link at the bottom though!

This same night, driving home extremely tired, after dancing non stop for about 2 hours to Sauti Sol then later clearing up the Festival site for the next/last day, a man tries my patience!

A blue Subaru Impreza swerves then overtakes me just before I get onto Uhuru Highway at Museum Hill. I forgive the poor soul and try to convince myself that maybe I was on the wrong… Then the idiot screeches to a halt right in front of me. I swear if I was not such a deadly driver I would have torn off the Impreza’s ass! I got so close to him that I could see my plate reflect off his car!

My Esmeralda (my car) is kind and loving and for this reason she refuses to hoot! She decides to let out a faint snore instead. I almost broke the hoot button! The idiot ignores and speeds off!

At this point I was determined to wave my middle fingers at this idiot. So I spend most of my 700 bob worth of fuel trying to catch up to this guy! Subarus do not ati move slowly!

I meet him at the University Way Roundabout at a red light… I roll down my window and I wave both my middle fingers at him! I discovered this was a big mistake when the idiot rolled down his window… Slowlllyyyy. He was a big man! His head was massive. I quickly rolled up my window and waited for the traffic light counter to turn green!

Jeff Koinange and I after he autographed my copy of Through my African Eyes.

Jeff Koinange and I after he autographed my copy of Through my African Eyes.

The counter turned green… I didn’t move an inch… The Subaru didn’t either! (My plan was to let him go! Bad plan… And no plan B)

I shifted to gear one then shot! I was over 100km/h in no time… The Subaru was right behind me not even trying ati to speed! He kept on making his car make those loud Subaru noises behind me! The palm of my hands were drenched in sweat before we got to Haile Selassie roundabout! The man maintained the short distance between him and Esmeralda. His headlights were full… It was like he was trying to kill vampires with them.

I skip the red light on Haile  Selassie roundabout and almost hit another car. The guy still behind me.

Now you see I have heard about this road rage story… People shooting each other and other scary things like that. I was not about that. I had just bought an autographed copy of Jeff Koinange’s book, Through my African Eyes, that cost me about 4,000/- and there was no way in hell I was going to die before I at least went through the pictures… At least! I hit Bunyala/Uhuru Highway roundabout at breakneck speed. But I do not go past it. I go all the way round to see if the guy would follow me… He does! I almost piss my pants!

My unplanned, plan B, had hit the wall.

I decide to drive to my house and tell the watchmen to close the gates, which I now see was a terrible plan as well… But adrenaline makes you do stupid things!

I am blind… I can barely see at night. That information is very important for you to fathom what goes on the next paragraph!

Just hanging out with Bob Collymore and Rashida Namulondo at the Storymoja Festival.

Just hanging out with Bob Collymore and Rashida Namulondo from Uganda at the Storymoja Festival.

I go round the roundabout and shoot through Uhuru Highway towards Nyayo Stadium Roundabout… Or so I thought. I had taken a wrong exit. I was on Aerodrome Road at 100km/h. Driving towards traffic on a one way road. Thank Jesus Christ it was at 2am and only two cars were on the road… 3 cars, if you count the Subaru Impreza behind me! The huge male adult must have thought I was absolutely mad! That’s why I was convinced at that point that I was a dead man… Not everyone tolerates middle fingers waving at them!

The man slows down a bit… I don’t! I get to the Madaraka Roundabout and turn into Madaraka without slowing down. I look at my rear view mirror and couldn’t see the guy! I make a dangerous turn into Madaraka Shopping Centre almost killing a couple that I suspect were making out in the dark in the middle of the road! Children!

I park at a corner and turn off my engine and lights! I look around… Nothing! The couple I almost hit are now walking towards me, furious! MORE FUCKIN’ PROBLEMS!

I apologise to the guy who at that point, needed his woman to see that he was BAD. They leave me alone!

On my rear view mirror I spot Hassan, the sausage choma guy packing up. I leave the car and run to him. If there was anyone who was going to save me that night… It was him. I have eaten enough of his sausage chomas to deserve it! (that sentence sounds nasty). He has a sausage choma left with a few kuku chomas. I ask him to make me one. He gets a bun and slowly slices it… The picks up a frankfurter and slices it in half then puts it neatly into the bun.

“Bila kachumbari kama kawaida?” he asks. (I am allergic to onions)

“Ndio!” I answer. I grab it before he could suggest ketchup and chilli sauce to be added onto it! I take a bit… It was at that second that I spotted the Subaru with the side of my eye. It would have been appropriate for the sausage choma to fall at this point but the thing is 100 bob, and I do not shit money!

The guy parked right next to my car. He then came out of his car and tucked in his shirt that was being pushed out by his stomach.

I started thinking fast. I had not been in a one on one fight for years. And I had never been on a one on one fight with a man that big!!! I was surely going to die!

Hanging out with cool people still at the Storymoja Festival. I am the guy with a cool head and butt out!

Hanging out with cool people still at the Storymoja Festival. I am the guy with a cool head and butt out!

The man slowly walked to where I stood. The bite I had taken of the sausage choma became hotter and hotter with every step he made. His legs were bowed and back arched. I spat out the sausage choma. No one wants to get punched on the face with sausage choma in their mouth!

“Hassan unajua huyu kurutu!?” The man asks and picks up a piece of chicken! He then salts the chicken… Then bites it! His eyes are stuck on mine.

You know when your life flashes before your eyes just before death? I was so scared I couldn’t even get my life to flash before my eyes.

“Customer wangu sana!” Hassan responds not knowing I was planning to jump on him incase shit went down!

The man was done with a quarter piece of chicken in three bites. He spat out clean chicken bones, his eyes still on mine.

“Kula sausage!” he ordered me. I took a bite of my sausage choma but didn’t chew. I swallowed it exactly the way it was. I almost died!

I have no clue where I got balls from but I did somehow. I started walking to my car. With my sausage choma tightly held in my left hand, I got into Esmeralda threw the sausage choma on the co-drivers seat and SHOT! I drove past my house like devils lived in that compound. I drove past Strathmore University which is like 40 blocks after mine. I drove up until I got to Mbagathi way. I then went into T-Mall and waited in the basement parking for half an hour, then slowly drove home! I parked right at the back of the apartment buildings and almost removed my plates.

I whistled as I walked up to my house praying all the prayers in the world. I wasn’t even worried about the sausage choma I had just left on my seat… Life is bigger than sausage choma!

I will post this version now but will make a few grammatical and spelling changes once @Owaahh edits it whenever!

Dear Subaru guy, if you are reading this, I am really sorry… Let’s not fight anymore! I am a really cool guy. I was just stressed with work that night. I swear!

In case you missed the Storymoja Festival:

http://www.storymojafestival.com

http://blog.storymojafestival.com

http://www.mmegi.bw/index.php?aid=46198

http://www.standardmedia.co.ke/entertainment/article/2000135576/imagining-the-world-at-kenya-s-premier-annual-literary-event-storymoja-festival

 
23 Comments

Posted by on September 30, 2014 in comedy

 

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EBOLA NOW IN NAIROBI KENYA


Dear Doris,

My love, I will scurry through this one.

Someone asked me the other day why I love you so much! She asked if I love the way you make skim wiki or ugali! She asked if you make me breakfast in the morning and if you knew I was lactose and intolerant and allergic to onions! She asked if it was because you love me unconditionally! I had no answer, but in my heart I knew it was not because of any of those things. I love you… I just do!

I went to an Mpesa stall day before yesterday. I have a specific Mpesa place I go to every time. I lost my ID ages ago and I am too lazy to get a replacement so I decided to make an Mpesa lady friend who will not ask me for my ID. I have been going there almost a year now and she has even mastered the first four numbers of my ID number! After a transaction she will go like, “ID number ni two, eight, seven, six halafu?”

This is an expensive relationship… time-wise. I cannot just go there withdraw or deposit money and leave! We have to talk for a short while. We gossip, she knows everything going on around her! The other day she was telling me how two waiters from a nearby restaurant, a man and woman left together holding hands. She things they are having sex!

The Mpesa lady, Prisca, is short. She was nothing above four and a half feet. She is really dark with shinny chubby cheeks that have seen their fair share of Vaseline Petroleum jelly. On hot days she shines from all the molten petroleum on her face and on cold days the sweat pores on her face are sealed shut!

Her breath is detestable and the braids on her head are few, maroon and scattered. She has three blouses, a green net one, a milky silk one and a brown net one. Her nails are all eaten up deep into the skin. The skin around her nails is chapped from missing the nails when she bites at them. Prisca’s laugh is a modified snore. It is funny!

After I deposited 1,200 bob Prisca said, “ID number ni two, eight, seven, six half?” I gave it to her then she slid the Mpesa book for me to sign. A drop of blood left my nose and hit the Mpesa book with a light decent blop! I knew I was going to nosebleed at some point because I could smell blood iron. Do you know that smell?

nosebleed3pf-e1270053006833You see, I have been nose bleeding every single day for almost ten years now in the shower. It was scary at the beginning but not anymore now that I know I am not dying. A doctor said a blood vessel in my left nose raptures very easily. He said it is normal and can be treated by a minor surgery… I lost him at surgery! To confirm to myself I am not dying, I go donating blood once every now and then to make sure I am not dying. My blood pressure, blood sugar and BMI are tip-top! Who wants to deal with life disrupting news right?

Recently I have been having random nosebleeds during the day, and this was one of those ones!

Prisca jumped back and cover her nose with the edge of her sweater! She looks at me foe a second or two and ran out of the Mpesa stall. I was certain she was running to get help when she ran into a nearby chemist! I had no clue what to do, ‘should I stay there until she came back or just leave?’ I asked myself.

Then, still with her sweater covering her nose, she came out of the chemist with two men in white gowns. Then she pointed at me!

The two guys wearing green rubber gloves (P.S – I just asked what those gloves are called aloud and someone said surgical gloves. I do not believe him)

The two guys suspecting I would run off were gesturing all sorts of peace gestures as they walked towards me!

I just stood there pinching the bridge of my nose trying to make the bleeding stop.

The two led me into the chemist and to a back room and made me lie facing up on a doctor’s table. This was really scary by the way. This is how people get raped. Being led by two strange men into a semi lit room!

They checked my temperature and asked me if I have been having random headaches. My temperature was fine and I had not been having random headaches. Then they asked if I have always had nosebleeds and I said I had, everyday for ten years!

The two men walked out of the room. I could hear them whispering things to each other. I sat up just to be ready incase they were planning to come in hard and hold me down and rape me! I clenched my fist and raised it to look intimidating!

They walked back in and told me they suspected I had Ebola but that was not the case. Prince had told them I had Ebola!

One of them gave me nose drops and told me to put two drops of it three times a day! He said it was free. I walked out of that chemist and threw it away! You do not just give people things and ask them to put two drops in their nose three times a day! That’s how people get killed!

I completely ignored Prisca as I walked past her Mpesa stall. I am blind to snitches.

P.S For some reason my computer does not consider Prisca a valid name and keeps changing it to Prince. So Prince and Prince is the same thing.

 
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Posted by on August 22, 2014 in comedy, near death, random

 

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DISADVANTAGES OF USING A CONDOM


My Lover,

I start this letter by apologising for the long silence. I know it is hard to believe me when I keep on saying how much I love you and never write as often as one should… Believe me. Only one woman resides at the foot of my arteries… And that is you my love!

This will be short! I was in Sarit yesterday night at about 9:30pm. Quite the ungodly hour to be 8.7KMs from you bed don’t you think? On a school night! I was not there to catch a beer… Or passing by Uchumi to randomly buy wet wipes and gum. I wasn’t there ogling the pretty woman from the DHL office in dreadlocks and ass for days! I was not there for anything important really… I went to check mail from the post office box. This move was completely unplanned for, I turned into Sarit from the office because I thought someone was following me! If you are driving closely behind me with your full lights for more than 3 minutes then you would be definitely following me! And this guy was doing just that!

I get 3 letters… All bills… There is one from Rentokil… Another one from Madison Insurance and the last from Kenya Power and Lighting! I stop for a second because my phone starts vibrating out of control from incoming notifications. This is because it picked up the Java wireless network. Free internet is the best internet. I stand near Java for about 5 minutes updating Google Music, an application I never even use.

The place was almost dead. There were only 5 people on the ground floor. A white man visibly over his middle ages walking with two skinny black women. He was not sober. The two poor women held him as they all staggered out of the mall.

“Fuck them… Fuck all of them!” He kept on saying! “I can buy the whole place! The whole fuckin’ place!” He continued!

He would grab the skinny girls’ buttocks every once in a while and they would giggle like piglets! “Not now!” One skinny woman would say! “Yeah… Not now!” the other girl would second.

The two skinny women shopped for hair at the same shop for sure. They both had thick dark bushy synthetic weaves planted on their heads! But this isn’t my story! I get to the parking ticket machine and find the threesome stranded there because the white guy cannot find his parking ticket!

“Did I give you my fucking ticket?” He asked one of the two skinny women… I put my ticket into the thing and it says I need to put in 50 shillings! I check my pockets even though I was sure I didn’t have money there.10411261_10152370631474998_4669649532465351611_n

I Never put money in my pockets! I then say a short prayer and check my wallet… It’s emptiness was deafening! I could feel a few coins inside it though… From the side. Hidden in one of the folds. I never keep coins in my wallet, so this caught me a bit off guard. I had not put any teeth under my pillow for the tooth fairy, so where were these coins from!?

Being able to feel coins in that wallet and not being able to find them is really annoying!!! It is like a phone ringing in a woman’s handbag and she can’t find it! So, I put the thing upside down in a way that anything heavier than business cards or credit cards…

Let me explain this scene. A female guard had seen me struggling to find money and had started walking towards me. The white man and his skinnies were right there each going through a different pocket of his looking for his parking ticket and an Indian man was right behind me waiting for me to finish… It was at this point that a condom fell off my wallet! See here, it is not such a bad thing a condom falling off a man’s wallet… In all facts, it is a good thing! The man is using protection… Problems come in waves when the condom looks like Methuselah suffering from Ebola!

I have no clue how long it had been there… I had no clue where it was in there… I had no clue whatsoever what it wanted to achieve by falling off at that moment! I freak out because this caught everyone’s attention… In my hurried attempt to retrieve the thing, I kick it by mistake!The thing slides on the tiled floor and stops right at the guard’s foot! She smiles naughtily! I rush and pick it up and put it in my pocket.My heart is pounding terribly from embarrassment! I examine my hand and notice a shinny patch… The thing was broken!This explained why my notes were translucent lately! All along I thought my farts were really lethal and they made money shine!

Please note that I still hadn’t found money! The female guard pays pushes my ticket back into the machine and feeds it a 50 shilling note!Then turns to me and dishes that naughty smile again… Then she walks away spinning her button and swinging her buttocks! My story is over!

 
22 Comments

Posted by on August 15, 2014 in comedy

 

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HOW TO GET FREE FUEL FROM SHELL


Dear Doris,

I love big women. Big light skinned women. Big light skinned with long lustrous hair… And small feet. Not just any small feet, I love number 5 feet with short fat toes. I love big light skinned small ‘feeted’ intelligent women… Funny women. That is why I love you… And that is why I will never stop loving you! Because you are big and light skinned, and intelligent, and you have long hair and you have tiny feet with short fat toes!

The following takes place between 9am and 10am today! August 1st! Events occur in real time!

Read the paragraph above in Kiefer Sutherland’s voice! Then imagine a clock ticking…

I am not a morning person! Only millionaires and billionaires are morning people. Mornings are not for the suffering like me! If I am up early it is because I absolutely have to or I have been threatened that I will be fired if I didn’t show up at 8am… Outside of those two scenarios, I prefer to wake up at 8am and be at the office by 9:30am. That way I get to listen to Quarter After Laughter on Xfm at 9:15am (Do not look at me like that! I make up by working late… I am a night person! I get super creative and intelligent after 8pm!)

I had just driven out of the gate at about 9am and was thinking about a text the house help had just sent me reminding me to buy Harpic when a cousin, @ongalok calls!

“Where are you?” he asked with maximum urgency in his voice.

I found Doris on the Google...

I found Doris on the Google…

People who call in the morning with maximum urgency in their voices at that time of the morning are either delivering catastrophic news or extremely good news. No one ever calls at 9am just to be nice. Nothing like, “Ian go out and have fun and stay young!” or “I feel like sending you money on Mpesa today, can I?” It is always,”The cheque has bounced!” or “You are late for the meeting!” or “Tuma peas ya Harpic!” or “Come pick the cheque!”

Where was I with this?

Yes, @ongalok calls and says Shell Mbarathi is giving out free fuel!

“They Almost filled my tank!” he emphasises! (filling the tank was an exaggeration as you will later learn) This was one of the extremely good news ones!

I work in Spring Valley and my route is Uhuru Highway through Waiyaki Way to Westlands Roundabout then through Lower Kabete Road… Exactly 8.7 Kilometres! That is 250 bob worth of fuel or 300 with slight traffic! You need to be very good in math to survive in this Nairobi!

So back to the call!

I totally lose interest in getting to the office in time and join Mbagathi Way. My fuel light was bright and confident, so I fuelled at the Madaraka Shell for 500/-. A yellow Shell sticker is smacked on the ass of my car and I am told I will need it to get free fuel.

Shem Shem, calls me just before I leave Shell Madaraka and asks me to bring her a sticker. She was almost at Shell Mbagathi but she didn’t have a ‘free fuel’ sticker!

With free fuel on my mind and extra ‘free fuel’ sticker I set off.

Shem Shem is getting really worried because she is getting really close to Shell but she still doesn’t have her ‘free fuel’ sticker. There is absolutely nothing I can do about it because I think @ongalok had told everyone in Nairobi! The traffic on Mbarathi way was grim! And almost all the cars in front of me had a yellow ‘free fuel’ sticker! It was safe to say Shem Shem was screwed!

My fuel light starts blinking at Umash Funeral Home! Hehehe. Do they take dead cars? Thats not even a funny joke and I am sorry!

Just at Umash I switch to Capital FM for updates on this free fuel maneno! I learn that they ar only giving 1000 free fuel! ALL THE HUSTLE FOR 1000 FREE FUEL! And only for the first 300 cars! Motorbikes included… I could see like 5,000 cars in front of meall bearing yellow stickers!

I gave up! But I had to deliver Shem Shem’s sticker!

I find her at the Shell entrance but I can’t give it to her. I have to go Ngumo to get parking then come back on foot… This was impossible because the whole place had stopped because of the free fuel!

Shem Shem is blowing my phone!

I park at a random bus stage and run to Shem Shem holding the yellow ‘free fuel’ sticker!

I get into a bit of trouble because a security guard thought I was being cheeky trying to re-redeem my sticker. He held me by the shoulder so hard I almost shit my pants. I am so fragile and cute if you hold me hard at my shoulders I can shit my pants!

I explain myself and he lets go of my scapula! The fuel station was like blankets and wine… Soon many cars and so many familiar faces.

As Shem Shem gets her free fuel, I run back to Esmeralda and drive to the office! Esmeralda is my car! I drive up Mbagathi Way, through Woodlands Road, through Kileleshwa, through Westlands Roundabout, through Lower Kabete Road… That is 10 kilometres… 350 bob worth of fuel!

I get to the office late, tired and without free fuel with a huge hello sticker smack at the centre of Esmeralda’s ass!

 

 
8 Comments

Posted by on August 1, 2014 in big beautiful women, my car, random

 

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Masaku 7s Sex Video


Dear Doris,

I have to write this really quickly! I do not have much time.

You were in my dreams last night. It was so vivid I could smell you. In the dream you did not say a single word! You did not smile or laugh. You stood right at the centre of my living room in a pink dress and no shoes. The wind would blow into the house, vigorously sending the curtains off the railings. Your hair danced to the wind. You were looking straight into my eyes. You just stood there. But you were not there when I woke up in the morning. A coffee table stood erect where you stood in my dream. The windows were closed and the curtains intact.

If you seriously think this has anything to do with Masaku 7’s then I strongly advise you stop reading here and go back to work or back to whatever you were doing before! But you can read on, I promise is is a good story!

My story is set at Oil Libya Westlands. The date is July 1st 2014 and the time is 9:55pm.

I was at Oil Libya buying pizza. If you buy a pizza from Pizza Inn on Tuesdays, you get another one for free. And this is what I was gunning for. I was also there to buy muffins!

A picture I got online when I googled Masaku 7s

A picture I got online when I Googled Masaku 7s

I walk up to the counter that was not as crowded as I had expected. Two Arabs were ahead of me. Lovers! I knew because of how the Arab man was holding the Arab woman’s waist. The Arab woman was tiny. She was pretty. She would tilt her head backwards every now and then so it would lie on the Arab man’s chest. They would look each other in the eye and burst out into indecent giggles. If the lights would go off at that moment and everyone absent, they would have probably had sex right there on the floor! I was sick from the sight of them. This is because Nairobi temperatures as low as 12* and I was standing right there, freezing my tiny ass off knowing very well I was going home to a pair of cold sheets and two pairs of cold pillows and a duvet that was purposeless and no Arab woman to share body heat with and yet these two were here having sex in their minds! I was utterly jealous! Yes I said it! I wanted an Arab woman who could put her head on my chest also!

But that is not my story! After the short dark lady behind the counter told me to wait 8 minutes, I walked to the mini shop to get my muffins then I sat at a table where I could not see two Arabs. We were separated by two magazine racks. But I could still hear them laugh! It ripped me apart!

In the midst of all this pandemonium of emotions, a guard walks in holding a white board with a number plate written on it! Normally this happens when a car that needs to leave has been blocked by another car! I couldn’t remember blocking anyone so I was least bothered by the limping guard! The whole place had less than 10 people so when no one got up to go ‘unblock’ whoever, I suspected I was the one blocking! I am blind so I could not see the writings on the board. I walked up to the guard and saw my plate number. I got out and moved my car to a different spot then went back in to wait for my pizzas. Please stay with me because this story is about to hit the roof!

I walked to my car with my pizzas and muffins. Thing is I was at the spot I had packed before I moved the car. And the craziest coincidence is, the car that was parked there was exactly like my own. The make. The colour. The everything!

Without being bothered, I got me keys out and opened the door (PLEASE BE ADVISED THAT I STILL HAVEN’T REALIZED THAT THIS IS NOT MY CAR) I put the pizzas and muffins on the co drivers seat that looked darker than usual. I stuck my keys into the ignition and the car burst out into a soft roar!

Shit hit me when I tried changing gears. The car was an automatic! Mine is a manual! At that point, I think, I vomited a little in my mouth! Everything was spinning so fast like I was drunk!

Hanging on my rear view mirror are two orange tiny sandals. This particular car had a tiny perfumed bottle. I looked at the back seat just to confirm my horrors. My back seat has a brown trench coat, my laptop bag, a leather folder and a burgundy woolen scarf! The car I was in had nothing at all on the back seat!

I turned the car off and looked out my window, the Arab couple were standing there, looking at me, the woman holding two pizza boxes!

My car has really dark tinted windows and for a man with my eyesight, it is almost impossible to see outside… But I could see these two so clearly! Tint free windows!

I slowly got out of the car and shut the door behind me! My plan was to start by apologizing and point at my car! But I just stood there. I could not move a single muscle. Do you remember when you were in primary school and you were called into the head teacher’s office because you were hitting mangoes with stones? You know that temporary paralysis that is ignited by absolute fear? I was there rooted on the spot! Trying to figure out how my car keys opened another car (second time this has happened)!

“Are you a car thief?” The Arab man asked! The ringing in my head was so loud I did not hear what he said… I read his lips.

The guy was bigger than me. Way bigger than I was. With one shove, he sent me on the ground! I sat on the ground leaning on my car’s doppelgänger! The woman looked at me and sneered! The man got his phone out and said he was calling the cops to teach me a lesson! A small crowd had formed around me at this time. This was because the Arab man had called a taxi guy loudly saying he had caught a car thief.

I cannot remember what was going through my mind at that time! I am not even sure if anything went through my mind!

The Arab guy was on the phone speaking at the top of his voice, like his phone was a mile away! He spoke in ‘Arab’! But after every minute or so, he would say, ‘tumemshika!’ If I had anything at all in my bladder, I would have let it out at this point!

When my paralysis finally wore off, I tried to explain that my car was at the far end of the parking lot and looked exactly like this one!

“Si mara ya kwanza wameiba gari hapa!” The guard who had the board earlier said! The crowd was getting bigger and fast! I plan to die of old age in a ranch somewhere in Wales, owning 1000 sheep and 400 horses and a few luxury cars… Not at a petrol station by mob justice in Nairobi! But at that moment, dying at a petrol station in Nairobi was more realistic!

I give the Arab man my keys and point at my car and tell him to go try opening it!

My car does not have that, ‘chwi chwi’ alarm thing for opening cars. It is manual. You have to stick your key in and twist! And sometimes, i jams! And this time, the only time I needed it not to jam, it jammed! The Arab man comes back really mad!

“Haifungui! Wanichezea?!” He asks. I ask him to give it to me so I do it by myself! He throws the keys at me and I walk to the car. The whole crowd follows me!

The guy had tried to open the door so hard that he had bent my keys!

I put the key in… Then twisted.. Nothing!

My car is called Esmeralda, and sometimes when I talk to her, she listens. I took the keys out… Took a deep breath… Then in my head, “Behave Esmeralda!”

Like an obidient child… It listened…

“Ni master-key!” Someone from the crowd shouted!

“Tutajuaje ni gari yako?” Another person said! Niggaz were hungry for my blood!

I explained that my backseat had a trench coat, a burgundy scarf, a leather folder and a laptop bag. I told the Arab guy to take out my laptop and he would see my name when he opened it! I showed him my ID beforehand as proof that I am Ian Arunga!

The Arab guy got into my bag and threw things all over the place. My Apple magic mouse dropped on the cemented lot. MY APPLE MAGIC MOUSE!!!

The guy yanks out my laptop and opens it! ‘Ian Sketch’!

He throws the computer on my back seat like it was a free product.

“Ako sawa!” He says and walks to his car. I follow him!

“Pizza zangu!?” I order! He hands me my things and I walk back to my car! Everyone is looking at me funny! The whole place had come to a standstill.

On my way home, while listening to the ‘Ligi Soo Remix’ by Rabbit I had downloaded earlier in the day (which is extremely cool with multiple crazy punchlines) my grandfather calls and tells me my uncle Dr. Okoth from Karabondi is dead! I have no clue who Dr. Okoth is!

“The early bird catches the worm, I am way ahead, ukianza kuamka mi nimeanza ku-deworm!” Wangechi (Ligi Sooo Remix)

Happy Birthday Jennifer (@hiuko)

 

 

 
37 Comments

Posted by on July 2, 2014 in near death, sex

 

Tags: , , , , , , , , ,

Another Shitty Story


Dear Doris,

You have seen me reduced to a vessel that’s nothing more than think of, love and miss you!  I have written you a few hundred letters that have gone un-replied… God knows if you even read them. Confessing my utmost attraction to you. You must truly be a terrible human being… It is either that or you changed your address. You cannot be a terrible human being, so I will force myself to believe, mtg letters have never reached you. And if that is the case, I pray they someday do! It is unbelievable how essential to me you have always been.

Back to business…

Saturday had itself a long night that started with a goodbye party for @Kipepeomjini who is leaving for the USA to go become more expensive to hire.

The party had food. Now let me explain. I am allergic to onions and fish and my system cannot digest lactose AT ALL! I hate avocado and I have never eaten it and I do not eat matoke. I am adventist so swine and anything eithout split hooves are never to be ingested. All I could eat in complete comfort is bread and chapati and water. This information is quite essential for the full understanding of what I am about to tell you.

The lady who was serving chapati did not like me very much because she gave the guy before me 3 pieces and the guy after me four pieces. I was give two pieces, which if put together makes half a chapati. HALF A CHAPATI! How was half a chapati going to change my life? 7 chapatis hardly makes any difference and here I was with half a chapati! I let it slide and served myself some mushroom, which is the core of this tale and not the chapatis.

At my table I rant a bit about the whole chapati business and everyone suggests I go back for seconds… I do! The chapati woman sees me and angles her eyebrows inwards, which was alright seeing that not everyone had eaten. I felt nothing and gave her my plate to add more chapati… She added 2 more pieces, which I thought was utterly inconsiderate and a test of my patience! I did not move a single step! I had skipped a few people who were already not too happy with me and now I was here creating a jam in the system.

“Ongeza!” I say with the authority of a pregnant woman to the father of her unborn child. Whilst looking straight at the buttocks of my retina, she slaps around 9 pieces on my plate… I was happy!

Before the party was over I feel the contents of my stomach somersault uncontrollably. I knew that instant that I had ingested something laden with lactose! It had to be the mushroom or the beans, but whatever it was, it wasn’t important because it was already inside me!

At that moment I slowed down my drinking. I was on Heineken and beer does not help a bad stomach at all! And then @MagungaWilliams tweeted me that alcoblow was near my gate, so I stopped drinking completely!

After the party, a good chunk of the party headed to Mercury ABC. Now walk with me very carefully!

AT ABC my tummy got worse. I love dancing and throwing my leg in the air uncontrollably but only the gods knew what would have happened if I would have kicked in the air! Only the gods know! I think Zeus knows best seeing he is deals with lightning bolts!

This is me kicking to Valu Valu...

This is me kicking to Valu Valu…

At about 4am, I had to go really badly! So because I know the downfalls of ‘going’ in the club, I dash to my car and attempt to drive home. I think in my head,”If I drive really fast, I can get to Madaraka in 10 or 12 minutes!” I wasn’t going to make it even if that time was halved! So I am seated in the driver’s seat my whole body is on fire! My thighs are slapped so tight I can feel blood clot at my knees! I was holding on to the steering so hard I noticed my ass was not even on the seat. I was suspended mid-air! I needed to find a solution!

I get out of my car and walk to the gents to gather intel and possibilities! First the place doesn’t even have a door so everyone who came into the gents would see my long legs. My dressing is flashy and even if I hid my face, someone would notice my shoes! That wasn’t going to work… I walk back to my car and clench my thighs together again!

I was stepping light on the tarmac. At this point even sneezing the wrong way wouldn’t be advised. I was in a particular state whereby even if someone hooted I would be finished….

Then a watchman asked me,”Budaboss uko pow!” (Are you ok?)

“Kuna choo safi around?” I ask, breathing slowly! “Yenye si ya ndani!” I add.

He stops to think for a second! A second I DID NOT HAVE!

“Kuna yetu pale juu!” He says pointing at the furthest end of the compound! IT WAS FAR! Right next to the exit! I wasn’t sure if I was going to make it alive!

We walk towards the ‘choo’! I meet friends on the way! People at the club always want to talk!! I summarise all of them! One really drunk one stopped me and asked me for 1000 bob because his card had been declined. I didn’t have a single cent on me because Alexander Muge had my wallet. The guy wouldn’t listen and he almost talked me into going back into the club to get it for him. Until the watchman muttered, “sina time mob Budaboss!” I had to go!

So I leave the guy stranded!

I ask the watchman if the toilet had tissue paper! It didn’t! “Lakini ntakutafutia!” He says!

We get to the watchman at the exit who is the one who normally has the keys to the toilet!

“Sijui ni nani amezichukuwa!” He says! My heart sinks horribly and my sphincter muscles almost let go! The compound has like 10 guards! It takes forever to find the keys! I am standing at the exit. Being as famous as I am, someone in almost all the cars recognised me. My story was, I lost my parking ticket and I was figuring out how to get out!

I was given 2 keys and instructions on what key opens what. But who could probably understand all that in my state!?

I dash to the door and I am fumbling terribly! Nothing was opening anything!

At this moment @Popzke spots me and calls out! I had no clue what I was going to tell him if he asked me what I was doing there! I walked to his car, watching my step and we talked for a bit! At this time I had given up all hope! Whatever was going to happen would be invited! Jehovah had the wheel. This guy had all the stories… Or rather, I didn’t have the timeeeee!

He finally leaves and I dash back to the door! It opens. Then there is a door on the left and another on the right!

Wait a second… Do you know when you are really pressed and you can hold it until you get to a bathroom and the pressure triples? Yes… Mine had tripled thrice!

I try the right one first! No key can open it! I try the left… No key can open it either! I try the right again…. Slower! Nothing! I say a two word prayer then I try the door on the left! “Please God!”

It opens! I collapse on the toilet seat… I saw the sun… The moon… The mountains and the rivers… I saw heaven!

The watchman was still out looking for tissue paper! I called Alexander Muge to hook me up! He doesn’t pick up his phone!

I wait for a short while then the watchman comes and waves a roll of tissue through the window!

“Budaboss uko fiti?” He asks (Are you ok?) I say yes… He asks 3 more times. It was time for me to leave.

I lock every door behind me on my way out!

Then I walk back… I flap my Armani jacket to get rid of the fresh smell as I walk… I am busted by @dodmichaela who I give the same ‘fixing my parking ticket’ story!

Alexander calls me back, quarrelling at the top of his voice asking me what I was calling him for as if I didn’t know where I had left him… I hang up! I had had enough shit for one night!

The rest of the night is for me to know and for you never to find out!

 

 
22 Comments

Posted by on June 10, 2014 in Alexander Muge, comedy, near death

 

Tags: , , , , , , , ,

 
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