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DISADVANTAGES OF USING A CONDOM


My Lover,

I start this letter by apologising for the long silence. I know it is hard to believe me when I keep on saying how much I love you and never write as often as one should… Believe me. Only one woman resides at the foot of my arteries… And that is you my love!

This will be short! I was in Sarit yesterday night at about 9:30pm. Quite the ungodly hour to be 8.7KMs from you bed don’t you think? On a school night! I was not there to catch a beer… Or passing by Uchumi to randomly buy wet wipes and gum. I wasn’t there ogling the pretty woman from the DHL office in dreadlocks and ass for days! I was not there for anything important really… I went to check mail from the post office box. This move was completely unplanned for, I turned into Sarit from the office because I thought someone was following me! If you are driving closely behind me with your full lights for more than 3 minutes then you would be definitely following me! And this guy was doing just that!

I get 3 letters… All bills… There is one from Rentokil… Another one from Madison Insurance and the last from Kenya Power and Lighting! I stop for a second because my phone starts vibrating out of control from incoming notifications. This is because it picked up the Java wireless network. Free internet is the best internet. I stand near Java for about 5 minutes updating Google Music, an application I never even use.

The place was almost dead. There were only 5 people on the ground floor. A white man visibly over his middle ages walking with two skinny black women. He was not sober. The two poor women held him as they all staggered out of the mall.

“Fuck them… Fuck all of them!” He kept on saying! “I can buy the whole place! The whole fuckin’ place!” He continued!

He would grab the skinny girls’ buttocks every once in a while and they would giggle like piglets! “Not now!” One skinny woman would say! “Yeah… Not now!” the other girl would second.

The two skinny women shopped for hair at the same shop for sure. They both had thick dark bushy synthetic weaves planted on their heads! But this isn’t my story! I get to the parking ticket machine and find the threesome stranded there because the white guy cannot find his parking ticket!

“Did I give you my fucking ticket?” He asked one of the two skinny women… I put my ticket into the thing and it says I need to put in 50 shillings! I check my pockets even though I was sure I didn’t have money there.10411261_10152370631474998_4669649532465351611_n

I Never put money in my pockets! I then say a short prayer and check my wallet… It’s emptiness was deafening! I could feel a few coins inside it though… From the side. Hidden in one of the folds. I never keep coins in my wallet, so this caught me a bit off guard. I had not put any teeth under my pillow for the tooth fairy, so where were these coins from!?

Being able to feel coins in that wallet and not being able to find them is really annoying!!! It is like a phone ringing in a woman’s handbag and she can’t find it! So, I put the thing upside down in a way that anything heavier than business cards or credit cards…

Let me explain this scene. A female guard had seen me struggling to find money and had started walking towards me. The white man and his skinnies were right there each going through a different pocket of his looking for his parking ticket and an Indian man was right behind me waiting for me to finish… It was at this point that a condom fell off my wallet! See here, it is not such a bad thing a condom falling off a man’s wallet… In all facts, it is a good thing! The man is using protection… Problems come in waves when the condom looks like Methuselah suffering from Ebola!

I have no clue how long it had been there… I had no clue where it was in there… I had no clue whatsoever what it wanted to achieve by falling off at that moment! I freak out because this caught everyone’s attention… In my hurried attempt to retrieve the thing, I kick it by mistake!The thing slides on the tiled floor and stops right at the guard’s foot! She smiles naughtily! I rush and pick it up and put it in my pocket.My heart is pounding terribly from embarrassment! I examine my hand and notice a shinny patch… The thing was broken!This explained why my notes were translucent lately! All along I thought my farts were really lethal and they made money shine!

Please note that I still hadn’t found money! The female guard pays pushes my ticket back into the machine and feeds it a 50 shilling note!Then turns to me and dishes that naughty smile again… Then she walks away spinning her button and swinging her buttocks! My story is over!

 
12 Comments

Posted by on August 15, 2014 in comedy

 

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HOW TO GET FREE FUEL FROM SHELL


Dear Doris,

I love big women. Big light skinned women. Big light skinned with long lustrous hair… And small feet. Not just any small feet, I love number 5 feet with short fat toes. I love big light skinned small ‘feeted’ intelligent women… Funny women. That is why I love you… And that is why I will never stop loving you! Because you are big and light skinned, and intelligent, and you have long hair and you have tiny feet with short fat toes!

The following takes place between 9am and 10am today! August 1st! Events occur in real time!

Read the paragraph above in Kiefer Sutherland’s voice! Then imagine a clock ticking…

I am not a morning person! Only millionaires and billionaires are morning people. Mornings are not for the suffering like me! If I am up early it is because I absolutely have to or I have been threatened that I will be fired if I didn’t show up at 8am… Outside of those two scenarios, I prefer to wake up at 8am and be at the office by 9:30am. That way I get to listen to Quarter After Laughter on Xfm at 9:15am (Do not look at me like that! I make up by working late… I am a night person! I get super creative and intelligent after 8pm!)

I had just driven out of the gate at about 9am and was thinking about a text the house help had just sent me reminding me to buy Harpic when a cousin, @ongalok calls!

“Where are you?” he asked with maximum urgency in his voice.

I found Doris on the Google...

I found Doris on the Google…

People who call in the morning with maximum urgency in their voices at that time of the morning are either delivering catastrophic news or extremely good news. No one ever calls at 9am just to be nice. Nothing like, “Ian go out and have fun and stay young!” or “I feel like sending you money on Mpesa today, can I?” It is always,”The cheque has bounced!” or “You are late for the meeting!” or “Tuma peas ya Harpic!” or “Come pick the cheque!”

Where was I with this?

Yes, @ongalok calls and says Shell Mbarathi is giving out free fuel!

“They Almost filled my tank!” he emphasises! (filling the tank was an exaggeration as you will later learn) This was one of the extremely good news ones!

I work in Spring Valley and my route is Uhuru Highway through Waiyaki Way to Westlands Roundabout then through Lower Kabete Road… Exactly 8.7 Kilometres! That is 250 bob worth of fuel or 300 with slight traffic! You need to be very good in math to survive in this Nairobi!

So back to the call!

I totally lose interest in getting to the office in time and join Mbagathi Way. My fuel light was bright and confident, so I fuelled at the Madaraka Shell for 500/-. A yellow Shell sticker is smacked on the ass of my car and I am told I will need it to get free fuel.

Shem Shem, calls me just before I leave Shell Madaraka and asks me to bring her a sticker. She was almost at Shell Mbagathi but she didn’t have a ‘free fuel’ sticker!

With free fuel on my mind and extra ‘free fuel’ sticker I set off.

Shem Shem is getting really worried because she is getting really close to Shell but she still doesn’t have her ‘free fuel’ sticker. There is absolutely nothing I can do about it because I think @ongalok had told everyone in Nairobi! The traffic on Mbarathi way was grim! And almost all the cars in front of me had a yellow ‘free fuel’ sticker! It was safe to say Shem Shem was screwed!

My fuel light starts blinking at Umash Funeral Home! Hehehe. Do they take dead cars? Thats not even a funny joke and I am sorry!

Just at Umash I switch to Capital FM for updates on this free fuel maneno! I learn that they ar only giving 1000 free fuel! ALL THE HUSTLE FOR 1000 FREE FUEL! And only for the first 300 cars! Motorbikes included… I could see like 5,000 cars in front of meall bearing yellow stickers!

I gave up! But I had to deliver Shem Shem’s sticker!

I find her at the Shell entrance but I can’t give it to her. I have to go Ngumo to get parking then come back on foot… This was impossible because the whole place had stopped because of the free fuel!

Shem Shem is blowing my phone!

I park at a random bus stage and run to Shem Shem holding the yellow ‘free fuel’ sticker!

I get into a bit of trouble because a security guard thought I was being cheeky trying to re-redeem my sticker. He held me by the shoulder so hard I almost shit my pants. I am so fragile and cute if you hold me hard at my shoulders I can shit my pants!

I explain myself and he lets go of my scapula! The fuel station was like blankets and wine… Soon many cars and so many familiar faces.

As Shem Shem gets her free fuel, I run back to Esmeralda and drive to the office! Esmeralda is my car! I drive up Mbagathi Way, through Woodlands Road, through Kileleshwa, through Westlands Roundabout, through Lower Kabete Road… That is 10 kilometres… 350 bob worth of fuel!

I get to the office late, tired and without free fuel with a huge hello sticker smack at the centre of Esmeralda’s ass!

 

 
8 Comments

Posted by on August 1, 2014 in big beautiful women, my car, random

 

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Masaku 7s Sex Video


Dear Doris,

I have to write this really quickly! I do not have much time.

You were in my dreams last night. It was so vivid I could smell you. In the dream you did not say a single word! You did not smile or laugh. You stood right at the centre of my living room in a pink dress and no shoes. The wind would blow into the house, vigorously sending the curtains off the railings. Your hair danced to the wind. You were looking straight into my eyes. You just stood there. But you were not there when I woke up in the morning. A coffee table stood erect where you stood in my dream. The windows were closed and the curtains intact.

If you seriously think this has anything to do with Masaku 7’s then I strongly advise you stop reading here and go back to work or back to whatever you were doing before! But you can read on, I promise is is a good story!

My story is set at Oil Libya Westlands. The date is July 1st 2014 and the time is 9:55pm.

I was at Oil Libya buying pizza. If you buy a pizza from Pizza Inn on Tuesdays, you get another one for free. And this is what I was gunning for. I was also there to buy muffins!

A picture I got online when I googled Masaku 7s

A picture I got online when I Googled Masaku 7s

I walk up to the counter that was not as crowded as I had expected. Two Arabs were ahead of me. Lovers! I knew because of how the Arab man was holding the Arab woman’s waist. The Arab woman was tiny. She was pretty. She would tilt her head backwards every now and then so it would lie on the Arab man’s chest. They would look each other in the eye and burst out into indecent giggles. If the lights would go off at that moment and everyone absent, they would have probably had sex right there on the floor! I was sick from the sight of them. This is because Nairobi temperatures as low as 12* and I was standing right there, freezing my tiny ass off knowing very well I was going home to a pair of cold sheets and two pairs of cold pillows and a duvet that was purposeless and no Arab woman to share body heat with and yet these two were here having sex in their minds! I was utterly jealous! Yes I said it! I wanted an Arab woman who could put her head on my chest also!

But that is not my story! After the short dark lady behind the counter told me to wait 8 minutes, I walked to the mini shop to get my muffins then I sat at a table where I could not see two Arabs. We were separated by two magazine racks. But I could still hear them laugh! It ripped me apart!

In the midst of all this pandemonium of emotions, a guard walks in holding a white board with a number plate written on it! Normally this happens when a car that needs to leave has been blocked by another car! I couldn’t remember blocking anyone so I was least bothered by the limping guard! The whole place had less than 10 people so when no one got up to go ‘unblock’ whoever, I suspected I was the one blocking! I am blind so I could not see the writings on the board. I walked up to the guard and saw my plate number. I got out and moved my car to a different spot then went back in to wait for my pizzas. Please stay with me because this story is about to hit the roof!

I walked to my car with my pizzas and muffins. Thing is I was at the spot I had packed before I moved the car. And the craziest coincidence is, the car that was parked there was exactly like my own. The make. The colour. The everything!

Without being bothered, I got me keys out and opened the door (PLEASE BE ADVISED THAT I STILL HAVEN’T REALIZED THAT THIS IS NOT MY CAR) I put the pizzas and muffins on the co drivers seat that looked darker than usual. I stuck my keys into the ignition and the car burst out into a soft roar!

Shit hit me when I tried changing gears. The car was an automatic! Mine is a manual! At that point, I think, I vomited a little in my mouth! Everything was spinning so fast like I was drunk!

Hanging on my rear view mirror are two orange tiny sandals. This particular car had a tiny perfumed bottle. I looked at the back seat just to confirm my horrors. My back seat has a brown trench coat, my laptop bag, a leather folder and a burgundy woolen scarf! The car I was in had nothing at all on the back seat!

I turned the car off and looked out my window, the Arab couple were standing there, looking at me, the woman holding two pizza boxes!

My car has really dark tinted windows and for a man with my eyesight, it is almost impossible to see outside… But I could see these two so clearly! Tint free windows!

I slowly got out of the car and shut the door behind me! My plan was to start by apologizing and point at my car! But I just stood there. I could not move a single muscle. Do you remember when you were in primary school and you were called into the head teacher’s office because you were hitting mangoes with stones? You know that temporary paralysis that is ignited by absolute fear? I was there rooted on the spot! Trying to figure out how my car keys opened another car (second time this has happened)!

“Are you a car thief?” The Arab man asked! The ringing in my head was so loud I did not hear what he said… I read his lips.

The guy was bigger than me. Way bigger than I was. With one shove, he sent me on the ground! I sat on the ground leaning on my car’s doppelgänger! The woman looked at me and sneered! The man got his phone out and said he was calling the cops to teach me a lesson! A small crowd had formed around me at this time. This was because the Arab man had called a taxi guy loudly saying he had caught a car thief.

I cannot remember what was going through my mind at that time! I am not even sure if anything went through my mind!

The Arab guy was on the phone speaking at the top of his voice, like his phone was a mile away! He spoke in ‘Arab’! But after every minute or so, he would say, ‘tumemshika!’ If I had anything at all in my bladder, I would have let it out at this point!

When my paralysis finally wore off, I tried to explain that my car was at the far end of the parking lot and looked exactly like this one!

“Si mara ya kwanza wameiba gari hapa!” The guard who had the board earlier said! The crowd was getting bigger and fast! I plan to die of old age in a ranch somewhere in Wales, owning 1000 sheep and 400 horses and a few luxury cars… Not at a petrol station by mob justice in Nairobi! But at that moment, dying at a petrol station in Nairobi was more realistic!

I give the Arab man my keys and point at my car and tell him to go try opening it!

My car does not have that, ‘chwi chwi’ alarm thing for opening cars. It is manual. You have to stick your key in and twist! And sometimes, i jams! And this time, the only time I needed it not to jam, it jammed! The Arab man comes back really mad!

“Haifungui! Wanichezea?!” He asks. I ask him to give it to me so I do it by myself! He throws the keys at me and I walk to the car. The whole crowd follows me!

The guy had tried to open the door so hard that he had bent my keys!

I put the key in… Then twisted.. Nothing!

My car is called Esmeralda, and sometimes when I talk to her, she listens. I took the keys out… Took a deep breath… Then in my head, “Behave Esmeralda!”

Like an obidient child… It listened…

“Ni master-key!” Someone from the crowd shouted!

“Tutajuaje ni gari yako?” Another person said! Niggaz were hungry for my blood!

I explained that my backseat had a trench coat, a burgundy scarf, a leather folder and a laptop bag. I told the Arab guy to take out my laptop and he would see my name when he opened it! I showed him my ID beforehand as proof that I am Ian Arunga!

The Arab guy got into my bag and threw things all over the place. My Apple magic mouse dropped on the cemented lot. MY APPLE MAGIC MOUSE!!!

The guy yanks out my laptop and opens it! ‘Ian Sketch’!

He throws the computer on my back seat like it was a free product.

“Ako sawa!” He says and walks to his car. I follow him!

“Pizza zangu!?” I order! He hands me my things and I walk back to my car! Everyone is looking at me funny! The whole place had come to a standstill.

On my way home, while listening to the ‘Ligi Soo Remix’ by Rabbit I had downloaded earlier in the day (which is extremely cool with multiple crazy punchlines) my grandfather calls and tells me my uncle Dr. Okoth from Karabondi is dead! I have no clue who Dr. Okoth is!

“The early bird catches the worm, I am way ahead, ukianza kuamka mi nimeanza ku-deworm!” Wangechi (Ligi Sooo Remix)

Happy Birthday Jennifer (@hiuko)

 

 

 
36 Comments

Posted by on July 2, 2014 in near death, sex

 

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Another Shitty Story


Dear Doris,

You have seen me reduced to a vessel that’s nothing more than think of, love and miss you!  I have written you a few hundred letters that have gone un-replied… God knows if you even read them. Confessing my utmost attraction to you. You must truly be a terrible human being… It is either that or you changed your address. You cannot be a terrible human being, so I will force myself to believe, mtg letters have never reached you. And if that is the case, I pray they someday do! It is unbelievable how essential to me you have always been.

Back to business…

Saturday had itself a long night that started with a goodbye party for @Kipepeomjini who is leaving for the USA to go become more expensive to hire.

The party had food. Now let me explain. I am allergic to onions and fish and my system cannot digest lactose AT ALL! I hate avocado and I have never eaten it and I do not eat matoke. I am adventist so swine and anything eithout split hooves are never to be ingested. All I could eat in complete comfort is bread and chapati and water. This information is quite essential for the full understanding of what I am about to tell you.

The lady who was serving chapati did not like me very much because she gave the guy before me 3 pieces and the guy after me four pieces. I was give two pieces, which if put together makes half a chapati. HALF A CHAPATI! How was half a chapati going to change my life? 7 chapatis hardly makes any difference and here I was with half a chapati! I let it slide and served myself some mushroom, which is the core of this tale and not the chapatis.

At my table I rant a bit about the whole chapati business and everyone suggests I go back for seconds… I do! The chapati woman sees me and angles her eyebrows inwards, which was alright seeing that not everyone had eaten. I felt nothing and gave her my plate to add more chapati… She added 2 more pieces, which I thought was utterly inconsiderate and a test of my patience! I did not move a single step! I had skipped a few people who were already not too happy with me and now I was here creating a jam in the system.

“Ongeza!” I say with the authority of a pregnant woman to the father of her unborn child. Whilst looking straight at the buttocks of my retina, she slaps around 9 pieces on my plate… I was happy!

Before the party was over I feel the contents of my stomach somersault uncontrollably. I knew that instant that I had ingested something laden with lactose! It had to be the mushroom or the beans, but whatever it was, it wasn’t important because it was already inside me!

At that moment I slowed down my drinking. I was on Heineken and beer does not help a bad stomach at all! And then @MagungaWilliams tweeted me that alcoblow was near my gate, so I stopped drinking completely!

After the party, a good chunk of the party headed to Mercury ABC. Now walk with me very carefully!

AT ABC my tummy got worse. I love dancing and throwing my leg in the air uncontrollably but only the gods knew what would have happened if I would have kicked in the air! Only the gods know! I think Zeus knows best seeing he is deals with lightning bolts!

This is me kicking to Valu Valu...

This is me kicking to Valu Valu…

At about 4am, I had to go really badly! So because I know the downfalls of ‘going’ in the club, I dash to my car and attempt to drive home. I think in my head,”If I drive really fast, I can get to Madaraka in 10 or 12 minutes!” I wasn’t going to make it even if that time was halved! So I am seated in the driver’s seat my whole body is on fire! My thighs are slapped so tight I can feel blood clot at my knees! I was holding on to the steering so hard I noticed my ass was not even on the seat. I was suspended mid-air! I needed to find a solution!

I get out of my car and walk to the gents to gather intel and possibilities! First the place doesn’t even have a door so everyone who came into the gents would see my long legs. My dressing is flashy and even if I hid my face, someone would notice my shoes! That wasn’t going to work… I walk back to my car and clench my thighs together again!

I was stepping light on the tarmac. At this point even sneezing the wrong way wouldn’t be advised. I was in a particular state whereby even if someone hooted I would be finished….

Then a watchman asked me,”Budaboss uko pow!” (Are you ok?)

“Kuna choo safi around?” I ask, breathing slowly! “Yenye si ya ndani!” I add.

He stops to think for a second! A second I DID NOT HAVE!

“Kuna yetu pale juu!” He says pointing at the furthest end of the compound! IT WAS FAR! Right next to the exit! I wasn’t sure if I was going to make it alive!

We walk towards the ‘choo’! I meet friends on the way! People at the club always want to talk!! I summarise all of them! One really drunk one stopped me and asked me for 1000 bob because his card had been declined. I didn’t have a single cent on me because Alexander Muge had my wallet. The guy wouldn’t listen and he almost talked me into going back into the club to get it for him. Until the watchman muttered, “sina time mob Budaboss!” I had to go!

So I leave the guy stranded!

I ask the watchman if the toilet had tissue paper! It didn’t! “Lakini ntakutafutia!” He says!

We get to the watchman at the exit who is the one who normally has the keys to the toilet!

“Sijui ni nani amezichukuwa!” He says! My heart sinks horribly and my sphincter muscles almost let go! The compound has like 10 guards! It takes forever to find the keys! I am standing at the exit. Being as famous as I am, someone in almost all the cars recognised me. My story was, I lost my parking ticket and I was figuring out how to get out!

I was given 2 keys and instructions on what key opens what. But who could probably understand all that in my state!?

I dash to the door and I am fumbling terribly! Nothing was opening anything!

At this moment @Popzke spots me and calls out! I had no clue what I was going to tell him if he asked me what I was doing there! I walked to his car, watching my step and we talked for a bit! At this time I had given up all hope! Whatever was going to happen would be invited! Jehovah had the wheel. This guy had all the stories… Or rather, I didn’t have the timeeeee!

He finally leaves and I dash back to the door! It opens. Then there is a door on the left and another on the right!

Wait a second… Do you know when you are really pressed and you can hold it until you get to a bathroom and the pressure triples? Yes… Mine had tripled thrice!

I try the right one first! No key can open it! I try the left… No key can open it either! I try the right again…. Slower! Nothing! I say a two word prayer then I try the door on the left! “Please God!”

It opens! I collapse on the toilet seat… I saw the sun… The moon… The mountains and the rivers… I saw heaven!

The watchman was still out looking for tissue paper! I called Alexander Muge to hook me up! He doesn’t pick up his phone!

I wait for a short while then the watchman comes and waves a roll of tissue through the window!

“Budaboss uko fiti?” He asks (Are you ok?) I say yes… He asks 3 more times. It was time for me to leave.

I lock every door behind me on my way out!

Then I walk back… I flap my Armani jacket to get rid of the fresh smell as I walk… I am busted by @dodmichaela who I give the same ‘fixing my parking ticket’ story!

Alexander calls me back, quarrelling at the top of his voice asking me what I was calling him for as if I didn’t know where I had left him… I hang up! I had had enough shit for one night!

The rest of the night is for me to know and for you never to find out!

 

 
21 Comments

Posted by on June 10, 2014 in Alexander Muge, comedy, near death

 

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Highway to the Grave… Yard


My Doris, my all, My Chapati and Beef Stew,

You might not think it possible my love, but you and I will surely see each other not too far from this moment! Our bodies might be miles apart but your heart cannot run away from my own… and your image cannot escape my mind! You are closer than you would be if you were seated right next to me!

My heart is full of so many things to say to you. Like always. Ok maybe not always. But tales or no tales…. Letters or no letters… Thoughts or dead in the brain, worry not my fat yellow yellow beauty, I am yours and not even another YOU can take my love for you! Not even another you!!! Oh God – so near! so far!

I have not had my car for about a week. This statement in itself is enough drama! Walk with me now. I hit a pothole and broke something Matata, my mechanic, calls the hub!

Last week I got onto a matatu to Madaraka at 10pm just opposite Red Robbin. Here is where they stop after 9pm. Normally one would get one at bus station! I am not certain about the matatu number but I am sure it is a figure less that 20!

Normally when I leave the office that late and I do not have my car, I ensure I am with Denet. Denet is my colleague and friend. I have known him since high school. The first time I was slapped in high school I was with him. He was slapped too. We were making noise. I should write about that sometime! He is the size of a small carand I believe, from office grapevine, can eat multiple loaves of bread in one sitting! He might kill me for saying that! His purpose is to scare away bad people who would feel it is necessary to take away my MacBook Pro or my 5.2″ screen Samsung! My watches are also quite costly…

Denet walks me to the matatu then walks to his, which is never too far from mine! But this is not about Denet!

We had heard gunshots at Koja Bus Park and I was pretty scared that night. But normally when I am that scared, I smell a great tale…

The matatu too eons to fill up! I was the only one for about 15 minutes. Then this tall skinny black kid in amateur dreadlocks came and sat next to me! I was seated at the front! He was eating mabuyu and spitting the seeds on the floor of the matau! I didn’t mind this ape like behavior until o seed hit one of my shoes. They are not expensive shoes, but they are from England… AND YOU DO NOT JUST SPIT MABUYU SEEDS ON SHOES FROM ENGLAND!!!

I decided to get off and sit at the back on the front row. Here I lied to myself I could read a book. So I yanked out ‘The Boy in the Stripped Pyjamas’ and struggled to read under a flickering neon light! The book is utterly sad though… I love sad books!

The matatu did not leave that spot for about an hour… And even then, it was still not full. I later learnt why. We did not have a makanga!

The driver got in and spur out,”Funga mango twende!” That was for me because there was no one as close to the sliding door as I was. The thing felt like it hadn’t been greased… Or it had been greased using sand!

The driver, when we got to Haile Selassie roundabout the asks the ‘Mabuyu Seeds Spitter’ to collect the money from people. “Kama haunt exact shuka tafadhali!” The driver said and parked at the petrol station at the roundabout just to show how serious he was. This did not make sense because he would have said this before he left the stage! But apes will always be apes!

Uhuru Highway2 men got off! Friends. Luos! I mean, who else wouldn’t have ‘EXACT’? Heheh! They were speaking in Luo. One man to the other,”Jogi bo nyalowa Narobi kaendi!” (These people will ‘weza’ us here in Nairobi!)

The driver then drove off…

Let me explain! I had 8 thousand in my wallet… In thousands! When the ‘Mabuyu Seeds Spitter’ gestured to ask for my money, I shamelessly gave him a thousand shillings. He snitched to the driver immediately!

“Huyu hana ganji ndogo!” (This one doesn’t have ‘little’ money! The driver, I believe didn’t think for one second about what he did next! He, just at that spot where bulldozers are sold, got off the road and onto the pretend pavement and told me to get off! I thought it was a joke up until he got off and slid the un-greased sliding door and ordered me out!

“Jaribu hiyo ujinga penguin!” (Try that stupidity elsewhere)

I got off!

Now let me explain just how close to death I was! On the other side of the road is an old graveyard known as Makaburini. This fact alone is completely and entirely scary! But that was not my problem… The biggest issue was how unsafe the area is. The morning before that my colleague was telling me how her brother was cut on his head using a panga by thugs. And there are so many other cases like that.

My only chance of survival was to run to Nakumatt Mega. It is not too far from where I was abandoned. In fact, it is quite close! But distance doesn’t mean shit with a guy with a panga pursuing your ass!

I am a fast runner. But there is something that happens to you where you are totally freaked out! Not adrenaline… Whatever comes after adrenaline. It brings you to your knees!

A matatu slowed down near me and the making shouted,”Mkubwa ni lifo unatamani ama?” He asked. (Is is death you wish for or what!) “Unaenda wapi?” He continues!”

“Madaraka!” I answer. “Panda twende!” He suggests. This of course was too was. Maybe these were the thugs. I looked inside the matatu and counted 4 men and a woman! That woman was mad, getting into a matatu with 6 men at 10:30pm!

I get in!! I sit at the front!

The driver is called Jonathan Olande and speaks really good English. For a few minutes he quarrels me on why I was walking that stretch at that time of night alone. He doesn’t give me room to explain!

He drops me off at the Madaraka roundabout and tells me he is going to Langata and that was the furthest he could take me! When I was walking away he shouts,”Here is also bad! But you are used to danger, insn’t it?”

I run home and eat a chapati as I thank God about my life!

Below are videos to show how cray cray Makaburini is!

 

 
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Posted by on May 30, 2014 in comedy, near death

 

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Nishike


My Lovely Doris,

It has been a long while while since I wrote last. I miss you dearly. My heart skips several beats at the thought of your beauty… The thought of your lips against mine… The thought of your skin on mine!

I have not had time to write to you lately! I have stories for you though. There is one about a matatu dropping me off near a grave yard it the dead of the night because I didn’t have change for 1000 bob and another one where I was in the same compound with Shebesh and Sonko and there were gunshots and 1000 women screaming and shouting… At that same compound a policeman with a gun asked me to switch off the music we were listening to because it was too loud! But that one is for another day!

This is a letter I received at the beginning of this year. Another woman who is convinced she is Doris. She will state a few things she claims we did together! Do not believe her!

black-woman-writing-letterDear Ian,

You’re weird! I like weird! I love weird! I would choose weird any day.

Life has never let me choose though. If it had I would not be writing to you with tears in my eyes afraid that you are forgetting about me. I would wake up next to your freakishly long legs every morning… and other long things I remember about you. I would still be playing with your bee sting nipples on Saturday mornings while you read me funny comments on askreddit. I would be falling asleep on your chest while we watch a movie every night. We would be sharing a smoke after ruining dinner because we were busy catching a quickie. I would be wearing nothing under your t-shirt while we watch Boondocks on Sunday morning. I would be with you….

Remember our last night together? You tried singing to me. God, you have the worst voice. That didn’t stop you though; I have always loved that about you. That was one of the many nights we chose to stay in together rather than be out getting drunk and dirty with our friends. My friends were starting to complain by the way. I wore that red t-shirt of yours, that one that you always hated me for wearing because you had wanted to wear it too? Yes, that one.  Oh and you should stop looking for it, I took it with me. Your laugh was louder that night, your kisses deeper and your touch more gentle. Something was different about us that night. It was like we were not afraid to be vulnerable anymore, like nothing but us mattered. I had never been so certain of my love for you like I was on that day. As days pass, I am more convinced that I will never feel any different for you.

I hate that I had to leave but I kept something that will always remind me of that night. I kept a star from that night that shines brighter every day. Her name is Gian. She is lovely!

Something bothers me, you are not writing to me as much as you used to. You are even letting other men write to me, I don’t hate the attention. Worse, you wrote to Adele! The latter arouses very many different shades of jealous in me. What is happening to your feelings for me? Surely you are not going to forget about me, are you? I would hate to not have your letters to hug tight at night when my husband sleeps over at his third wife’s house. We need to talk; our talk has been long overdue. I am afraid, however, that I might not go back to my husband’s house if I so much as get a two second hug from you…. Aaaah your hugs! Those used to feel so good.

Please find a good woman to take care of you. I hear you are becoming thinner and are beginning to look sickly. I wish I could cook for you again but… well, responsibilities. Every once in a while I will sneak away for a smoke in honor of what we used to be. I hope you found your monglinyo, sorry had to put that somewhere.

I have to go make dinner and practice my happy look for when he comes…if he comes.

I luv you!

Yours now and forever,

The Real Doris

 

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An Orgy of Worms


Dear Doris,

I have not written to you in over a month. I have since been reduced to a vessel of thoughts and dreams of being with you again! I miss you in a quite simple desperate human way. I have never, not once, stopped thinking about you… And I will never, not once, stop loving you…. For the love I have for you is all that drives blood through my very body!

I have just come back to the office from Sarit Centre. I went by matatu. Sarit Centre has a lot of construction work going on at their parking lot lately and it is less hectic just taking a matatu there! My office is five minutes away. Also it is 20 bob!

‘Life has become a bit boring’ That is what I was thinking about up until I decided to clear my throat on the bus back to the office from Sarit!

Let me explain, If I take a matatu to work, it leaves me at Agip Bus Station, just near Times Towers in town. I get the next matatu to Spring Valley at Koja Bus Park/Fire Station! That is a definite 2 kilometres (My Nike+ phone app says I burn unto 300 Calories walking this stretch)  that cuts clean across the CBD. It is a long walk that destroys my shoes… I can sometimes almost feel their pain – My shoes! All the way from dustless streets of England to the heart of cracked pavements and fearless dust that is so fine that it penetrates through the leather! This can be seen from dusty toes in the evening!

Where was I?

Yes! As you walk through the CBD, there are all kinds of things you inhale. There is a dry cleaning shop next to Re Insurance Plaza that stinks of sodium hydrochloride that irritates the alveoli and a little further ahead, a bakery that smells of stale cake. There are a number of fast food joints that smell the same like they all use one chef! Poor fowl rotating helplessly on grills with metal rods that go through their body from anus straight up to the parting of the shoulders!

There are also shoe shops that smell of plastic with a recorded marketer playing from a radio! “VIATUUUUUUU! VIATUUUUUUU! MIA MBILIIIIIII! VIATUUUUUU!” over and over and over! And the numerous matatus and buses that bellow so much carbon monoxide as if they ran on fart instead of diesel!

By the time you get across town, your lungs are small factories! This normally gives you the urge to clear your throat! That is how the body is designed… I think! Let’s go back to the bus from Sarit!

I was standing holding the two parallel rods that run on the roof of the bus… It was a green and white bus – Walokana Bus! The bus smelled of a market. You know that heavy smell of vegetables going bad? And maybe a fart or two? The woman who sat in front of me had 2 gunias of cabbage that had each occupied a seat. She was big and dark! Her hair was thick and dark brown! Her clothes had almost no colour probably from washing them countless times and her gumboots were worn out! She was scary! The woman who sat on the opposite row, let’s call her woman A, had a hairstyle that looked like multiple obese worms orgied on her head. The man who sat next to her was dead asleep and his snore roared in harmony with the bus’ engine.

Doris...

Doris…

Then I cleared my throat!

You too are human, you have sometimes cleared your throat and, well, a thick ball of phlegm shot out of your mouth unintentionally! Yes? That is why it is always advised to cover the mouth when clearing the throat… Or coughing… Or sneezing!!! And for some people, even when taking!

Back to me…

A neat ball of phlegm shot out of my mouth so fast that I almost missed seeing it! With both my hands holding the two rods. The bustard found its way and neatly found its way to the cluster of worms on the woman A’s head! She felt it land on her head and even felt her head to feel what it was. She caught it and rubbed her fingers together to check on viscosity then looked at IT!

I looked around and realised three people had witnessed this. One of these people was the cabbage dealer!

“Mwambie ama nimwambie!” The woman who dealt in cabbage said loudly looking straight into my eyes…

I looked at the woman I had just planted DNA on and she looked right back!

“Mwambie!!!” The cabbage dealer repeated… I just stood there rooted on the spot! Felt like I had swallowed an avocado. I could not breath! The other two people who saw what happened just stared at me blankly!

The cabbage dealer was so loud that she caught the attention of half the bus!

“Ni nini Njoki?” the tout asked the cabbage dealer…

“Kutema tema mate ovyo…” Njoki replies still waiting for me to confess… My office was still a bit far out but I was willing to get off! There exists a peculiar idleness in Nairobi that can see one lynched for the stupidest of reasons!

“Nishukishe!” I tell the tout who ignores my plea and turns to Njoki! “Nani ametema mate!?” He asks…

“JISEME!!!!” Njoki shouts not looking at anyone in particular!!!

Someone had to get off so the bus stopped… I jumped out almost dislocating my wrist on the door…

I think Njoki told the woman what had happened before the bus left because she, Woman A, spat at me through the window missing me by a prayer!!! It landed right at the tip of my left shoe! Nothing wet wipes couldn’t handle!!!

P.S – For all #DearDoris fans who voted and supported US throughout the BAKE Awards period, thank you so much! We came in 2nd place in Best Creative Blog and 3rd Place in Best Kenyan Blog. Keep reading, I will keep writing! I had no clue so many people thrive on my misfortunes! :)

I love you all…

 
30 Comments

Posted by on May 12, 2014 in comedy, matatu tales, near death

 

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