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SEX SCANDAL

08 Nov

Dear Doris,

Baby, you will not believe what has just happened!!

Forgive my  terrible manners…

How are you my love? I heard that you had a serious flu… Are you taking medicine? Have you tried FLUGONE!!? That shit will heal you in a few hours… ON TO THE STORY!

So I get to the office in the morning and find everyone jumping into cars and speeding off!! we had an event at Peponi School  at 8am. So everyone was rushing there. I was not part of that team because I have so much work on my desk…

I have had the office camera for a while, so I had to come in early to hand it in for the event. I get the last ride out and give @aleyajamel the camera!!

I get a call from a collegue that the camera does not have a battery…

SO I have to rush to Peponi school to drop the battery!!

PLEASE BE ADVISED THAT THE JUICY PART IS COMING!!

I get to Peponi and drop off the battery and dash out!!

I get to the road and flag down a matatu…

PLEASE NOTE THAT I DONT HAVE MY GLASSES!

I jump into the matatu and I quickly state my destination, “SPRING VALLEY”

I am seated on the row immediately behind the driver… Right at the door!

The woman sitting next to me is holding a HUGE portrait picture of an elderly man. At the bottom of the picture ‘Eliud (Mzee) Kamau Kamau (1947-2011)’

I very much like the colours on this picture :/

I very much like the colours on this picture :/

This woman was definitely headed to a funeral or was from one!!

I ignore this fact completely!!

I notice a red piece of cloth tied on both side mirrors of the matatu… (this normally means the vehicle is heading to a funeral*)

So I start paying very close attention to whats going on around me…

The man seated on the far end of my row has his head leaning on the window… He is staring blankly on the empty box that’s supposed to have an LCD screen!

The women seated on the second row are all sniffling… Blowing their noses now and then…

The man seated at the back is on the phone… He is speaking in Kikuyu so I can’t tell what he is going on about…. But from his voice, I can tell whatever he is talking about is burdening his breathing pattern… He was holding back a lot of pain!!

Then he goes like “Gitonga hakuleta smiti e berera?”

Now ladies and gentlemen… I know very little Kikuyu if not at all…

I know ‘Nekwedete’ is ‘i love you’

I also know ‘roshio’ is ‘tomorrow’.

‘gui eno’ is ‘you dog’.

ANOTHER RANDOM ONE I KNOW IS ‘BERERA’ WHICH MEANS ‘GRAVE’!!

Then it hits me… When I was walking towards the matatu there was a huge box on the roof which I completely ignored!!!

I look into the matatus side mirrors getting a glimpse of the humongous box on the roof, confirming my fears, Eliud (Mzee) Kamau Kamau was on the roof!!!

I almost swallow my tongue!! My heart is pounding so hard I can feel it on my back!! Chills make their way down my spine…

i am looking around… Everyone is looking at me with soaked faces… Its like they knew I had just realised what was going on!!

“NASHUKA!” I shout with no second thoughts!!

“haushuki Spring Valley tena?” the makanga asks in absolute shock!!

I get off about half a kilometre away from my stage!!

I squint to look closely at the casket on top of the matatu as it speeds off… All I can think about is ‘HOW THE F* DID I MISS THAT!? IT WAS SO HUGE!”

AND ANOTHER NIGGA BITES THE DUST!

RIP Mzee Eliud… You scared me half to death!

p.s The picture is to take away the sadness off this post and the title is to get you to this point… If you are reading this and smiling, then I have done well. If you are not smiling I suggest you go learn how to read!

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31 Comments

Posted by on November 8, 2011 in comedy

 

Tags: , , ,

31 responses to “SEX SCANDAL

  1. theshynarcissist

    November 8, 2011 at 12:46 pm

    😀

     
  2. soniisugar

    November 8, 2011 at 1:02 pm

    I’m sorry I laugh every time I read this but I just can’t hold it. It’s kinda funny and sad at the same time…

    I totally get you on the ‘not having glasses part’ though ..mine broke last week, it’s been hell….

    RIP to the old man,,,and pole for the near-death scare…

     
    • mydeardoris

      November 9, 2011 at 9:24 am

      then i am doing something right… ENDELEA KUSOMA 😀

       
  3. Njeri Wamarite

    November 8, 2011 at 1:21 pm

    Hahaha, Eliud Mzee Kamau Kamau u have made my afternoon @arungaian how do u know of mberera…

     
    • mydeardoris

      November 9, 2011 at 9:23 am

      just random kikuyu words i pick up…

       
  4. kbaab

    November 8, 2011 at 1:40 pm

    hehehehe!

     
  5. Dexxe (@Dexxe)

    November 8, 2011 at 3:08 pm

    I am laughing very hard because I have been to almost similar encounters when I forget my glasses

     
    • mydeardoris

      November 9, 2011 at 9:23 am

      hahah! i hope you didnt have to meet random dead ppl

       
  6. Linda

    November 8, 2011 at 4:46 pm

    Hahahaaa…! Ian, I was having a bad day until I read this….Lol!!!

    Pole sana Ian,I now know what berera means

     
    • mydeardoris

      November 9, 2011 at 9:25 am

      omera okuyu odwa miya heart attack!!

       
  7. Nyawizzy

    November 9, 2011 at 2:02 pm

    Mzee Eliud haunting you as a caricature in your dreams would be fun! Hahaha Nice read!

     
  8. dallahz

    November 14, 2011 at 10:55 am

    hahahahahahahahahahha re-reading and still laughing

     
  9. She Blossoms...

    November 15, 2011 at 5:02 pm

    Woi! Hata mimi ningeshuka! Now how do I even feel sorry for you? This is way too funny.

     
  10. viruSDetected

    November 25, 2011 at 11:46 am

    I’m not smiling, I’m laughing out loud and feeling embarrassed for you at the same time

     
  11. proboxsucceed

    November 25, 2011 at 4:12 pm

    I laughed at the pronunciations of the Kyuk words. I can just hear you saying them. ROCHIO

     
    • mydeardoris

      November 25, 2011 at 4:35 pm

      haha!! Everyone around me laughs when i speak kyuk!!

       
  12. kiatu

    December 1, 2011 at 2:50 pm

    fala hii

     
  13. @mojo706

    December 1, 2011 at 2:57 pm

    Yes, I love the colors on the picture too. It does take away the Sadness 🙂

     
  14. Mummy Tales the blog

    December 1, 2011 at 3:21 pm

    Were the occupants not singing ‘Tukutendereza’ or ‘This World is Not My Home’ as is the norm when burial convoys are enroute to somewhere in Central?

     
  15. Karii

    December 1, 2011 at 3:22 pm

    This one is a killer!:)

     
  16. Cissoq

    December 1, 2011 at 3:51 pm

    Hiyo ni kare

     
  17. George

    December 1, 2011 at 6:29 pm

    Email me this great creativity.

     
  18. Wahogo

    December 2, 2011 at 2:01 pm

    You really made my day humorous! Nice one!

     
  19. Douglas

    December 2, 2011 at 2:15 pm

    He He He…I did not laugh till i remembered the part that you left your glasses.

     
  20. Mad Blogger (@M_dblogger)

    December 2, 2011 at 2:25 pm

    Hahaha, thoroughly entertained!

     
  21. Elektrische Zahnbuerste

    December 8, 2011 at 12:24 am

    I adore your wp web template, wherever would you obtain it through?

     
  22. abetkidjoh

    January 26, 2012 at 3:51 pm

    I can so relate to the glasses bit. I am hopeless without mine. Good stuff

     
  23. Joy

    February 9, 2012 at 2:31 pm

    Hahahaha…today ive laughed the most

     
  24. Meidimi Hugo Sokoto (@Meidimi)

    June 9, 2012 at 11:40 pm

    Lol, great title and hilarious story.

     
  25. mnkatha38

    September 3, 2014 at 7:15 pm

    Haha that’s the most random kikuyu word, I know a lot of words in kikuyu but that

     

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