MAZE NIDUNGE KINDE

My Dear Doris,

My love… I am in my office at 7:30 pm writing this letter. I am sure this information is irrelevant to you seeing that you do not appreciate my efforts to communicate.

I have since learnt not to care at the fact that you don’t care! I will do as I please, how I please, whenever I please… So you can just kiss my ass because right now what I am going to write this damn letter!

Speaking of ‘damn’, you have no idea how long it took me to accept that ‘damn’ is spelt with an ‘n’ at the end… I still have my doubts… Silent letters are like cruel jokes… And pterodactyl does not start with a ‘t’ … Shiiii. Then again my spelling sucks so you will just have to read these words the way I spell them… ou will soon realise I am right…

Earlier  this week I got two emails from a lady called Geraldine. That, by the way, is her real name… Allow me to refer to her as Tess on this letter because Geraldine is, well, quite taxing when it comes to typing…

Tess has been working for her company for 5 years but she has never gotten a raise of any kind… Funny thing is that she has never asked for a raise… So I asked her to ask for a raise… She replied asking me how to do that… I am going to teach you how to do that on this letter Tess… I am not an expert in Dr. Phil matters but I will try!

Note: This will not be funny because someone’s career is on the line… Its serious!

Dear Tess, I have absolutely no idea why you have never asked for a raise all this time… Tess if you have never been awarded a salary raise for the past 5 years then there is something you are doing very wrong… To find out what it is, please answer the following questions with a (Y) for yes and (N) for no!

1. Do you polish your nails in the office. And has your boss busted you doing this more than twice?
2. Have you been busted watching movies in the office by your boss?
3. Tess, do you talk and laugh loudly on your phone during office hours?
4. Do you have a tattoo on your face?
5. If you have a boyfriend/husband, does he come see you often?
6. Can you find F13 on your keyboard?

Now Tess, if the only question to which you answered ‘N’ is the last one then we have a problem.

I will explain to you the relevance of each of those questions much later on this letter. But before that, lets teach you how to get a raise…

ONE: Do not ask for a raise unless you have leverage.

Do not just wake up one morning and swell your stomach that you want a raise! (swelling your stomach is a luo phrase). These are the best times to ask for a raise:

1. If you have been offered a better deal elsewhere.
2. If your boss has been randomly commending you on your hard work
3. If you just got your company 10,000,000 bob
4. Or if you have dirt on your boss (but this is brewing scandal and I would not advise it unless your 12 children are sleeping hungry)

Then again if you have been working hard enough, a good company would want to keep you thus raising your salary!

P.S – Dont go swelling your stomach to your boss that you have a been given a great job opportunity elsewhere for reason to be awarded. You will not get a raise and you will probably lose your job!

TWO: Fear nothing!

Ok if your boss is Jack Bauer then you probably have something to fear. But he/she is not, so man up and go talk to them about it. Tess, I am guessing you have been at Ngara negotiating for a pair of shoes you might never wear. Think of this as one of those negotiations. Put on that confident face. If you have been raise free for 5 years then your boss has been waiting for this moment… Then again don’t go swelling your stomach if you know you have not been working hard… You will just be embarrassing yourself!

THREE: Ask in advance

Schedule a meeting with your boss. “Hi, could I talk to you later today?” Do not give reason…. You might not get that time you are asking for. Ha!

You can also email your boss about this. On here you can state your reasons.

But you need to understand that a face-to-face request is far harder to turn down than an email!

FOUR: Common sense

All companies have their ups and downs. Dear Tess, there is not a worse time to ask for a raise than when your company is experiencing financial difficulties… Like I had told you earlier – TIMING! The possibilities of you losing your job than getting a raise at this point are extreme.

SO when the company is down, chill, work your ass off, this is the best time to get noticed….

FIVE: How much do you want!?

This is also very important Tess.

Decide what level of pay rise you’re looking for.Do not be greedy… And be ready to negotiate.

SIX: Find shit out

Tess, it is quite important to do your homework… Find out things… Like what it takes to get a raise. For example have things been added on your JD, how far did you go with your education and years of experience etc. In other words go through your resumé. You will know if you need a pay raise!

It’s also important to know the usual salary range for those who do what you do in your region or area. Be warned though. DO not use these factors as negotiating factors. This information is just for you to figure out how much you are worth

ITS 8pm AND I AM STILL HERE WRITING THIS!

Lets move on…

SEVEN: Do you work extra hours?

If not, start…

EIGHT: Whats your future value?

Have long-term goals. A little secret, a company would do its best to keep you than interview a new person.

NINE: Be nice

You not having been given a pay raise does not give you power of any kind. Do not swell your stomach and demand for a raise. In fact start by saying how much you love your job… It might not be true BUT SAY IT! Then bring up your achievements. If you have none, turn back before you knock your boss’s door… The go achieve something that you can come back with…

TEN: You need to Chill baby.

Do not expect an answer immediately… GIve the big man/woman time to think about it.

If your boss agrees immediately…. I don’t know what to do. I guess take it and run! But make them mean it before you run… The might just want to get rid of you…

ELEVEN: I am tired…

As in seriously… I am already tired of this post…. It’s so long!

Seriously though – If you get a ‘NO’ do not go making your boss feel bad about his/her decision…. This is just outright stupid… “Aki Woiye” Will not work here! Don’t take it personally. If you allow the rejection to affect your work, your boss will probably feel like they made the right decision.

Ask your boss what you can do differently… This just shows that you give a rat’s ass about the company!

TWELVE: Bounce

If you do not think your company is not willing to pay what you deserve… Then bounce! Again, you will know!

And I am going home!

P.s – About my title. Some street kid told me that in the morning on my way to work and I thought it was cool!