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ALCOBLOW SUCKS…

04 Feb

Dear Doris,

Just shut up and listen…

It is Tuesday… The following takes place between Friday 2am and Monday 4pm…

I was driving home a tad tipsy Friday morning at about 2am following every detail I taught you on my letter, HOW TO DRIVE HOME DRUNK. I was driving in the middle of the road and all…

When I got to Madaraka roundabout, I was stopped by cops…

Now you see we had talked about this earlier in the club… If you see cops… Reverse… ESCAPE! This is a tad difficult with 10 cars or so behind you! So I stop..

“Kijana toka toka toka… Leo ni leo… Toka…” A cop sermons me out of the car… You see, I was not drunk… But I was far from sober! I am guided to the bonnet of a cop land rover where a second cop handed me something I was supposed to make sure hadn’t been tampered with… Then he asks me to unwrap it.. It was a nozzle for the alcoblow… He fixes it to the machine and asks me to blow… I hadn’t had much to drink so I was sure I was safe… So I blow…

Let me explain… A reading of 0.35 and below is the legal limit… Before I was even done blowing into the thing, mine was at 0.52… By the time I was done, it was 0.57… I was an aspiring criminal!

Now you see, these people can always be bribed… I think I had 800 bob that I was extremely willing to give these guys… Plus my house was just around the corner… I do not encourage corruption, but if the time is 2am in the morning and there is a possibility you will spend the night in a police cell, the law can be revised a little.

I was held by the back of my pants and thrown into the land rover…

“Boss…. Cheki… nina soo nane!?” I whisper just before he lets go…The man CLEARLY didn’t know the code of secrets… WHISPER!

“Hio weka uongeze 19,200 ufike bail… Unalala ndani…” He shouts back! The arrogance in his voice was above optimum average… This one couldn’t be bought… Which by the way is a good thing… If it is like daytime… IT WAS 2am…

My phone battery at the time was at 12%… That on an android OS means 7 minutes or less…

I call my brother… He doesn’t pick up….

I call a cousin… Doesn’t pick up…

“Boss, usimalize moto… Niko na plan… Pigia hii number… Ni bro wangu… Ni military police…” The guy next to me says… He was completely drunk and couldn’t shut up… He was very stubborn and kept throwing insults at the cops…

“Salary ya 15,000 ndio maana mumejam hivi. Si mungehanda wa Westgate hivi viserious pia!” He muttered!

“Kwani nilinunua pombe na pesa ya nyanyako…” He told one cop who got so pissed that he handcuffed him… TO ME! I was quite silent… Shaking my ass off from cold and extreme fear! Then by some miracle I get to my brother and cousin who both come to where I was…

After about an hour or so, the land rover was bursting with sponges.Every one of them trying to convince the police that they had not taken much! The place reeked of booze… The man next to me kept on tagging on the handcuffs that got tighter by his every stupid move… If he was any smaller, I would have strangled him with the cuffs!

“Tukikojolea hii pingu itatokana…” he suggested!

The last guy to be thrown into the land rover was apparently KDF… He had the temper of a praying mantis! He was fighting everyone… He hit the cops and hit the drunkards… Then a female cop said to him, “Tulia we mlevi…”

He punched her so hard on the face… “Ananiua… Ananiua….” The cop yelped… The KDF guy too was then handcuffed to the bars in the land rover!

I kept on calling my brother and cousin to make sure they were onto of things and I was not going to sleep in a police cell… Their tones were quite convincing so I calmed down and so did my phone… As in it died…

We were driven to Muthaiga Police Station… This fat guy kept on telling people the way his dad could fix the situation and all of us would be set free before we even got to where we were going… I think his dad played quidich!

We were matched into the police station and our names recorded!

Do you know how difficult it is to deal with drunkards??? People kept on giving wrong names… Others got violent… Others broke down!

I needed to take a piss… So I asked the nearest cop… This was not a good idea… I was handcuffed from the back and shown to the latrines…

Now let me explain… Men need both hands to undertake this natural act… If not both, then AT LEAST, one hand… Now, with both my hands cuffed at the back, I couldn’t even get my zipper… So I just stood there for a while then went back inside… My bladder was going to explode…

Everyone was then thrown in a dark room… I could feel the dumpiness of the concrete beneath my feet… Do you know how you can tell piss when you step on it? The viscosity of urine cannot be compared to any liquid… Then the smell… Unless someone poured a considerable amount of ammonia on the floor, I couldn’t be convinced otherwise!

Funny thing is, we were thrown in with all our possessions. Nothing was taken from us… You know how belts and shoe laces should always be taken away?! NOTHING! I mean, someone could have easily carried a knife or a gun… or a dildo! How can you lock 100 men in a dark room and don’t check their pockets… This fact will be useful in a bit!

I walked till the end of the room until I could feel the wall… Then I turned my back agains the wall…

Let me describe the room… The place was so dark I could barely see the human standing next to me. It wasn’t a big room… Bit it was divided into three cubicles… One had criminals… The next DUIs and the third was the shitter… It was from the third room that urine made its way neatly into the other two rooms… Mosquitoes fat with malaria buzzed all over the place… I completely ignored the possibility of bedbugs and lice!

On my way to the end of the room, I felt someone reaching into my pocket… I HOPE IT WAS FOR MY POCKET! So when I got to the wall, I took out my phone and wallet and shoved them into my boxers then crossed my legs!!! This, I now see, was not a great idea.. But it worked…

This was me on TV in court... See the fear in my face?!

This was me (guy in burgandy) on TV in court… See the fear in my face?!

Again, anyone could have carried anything… So two men lit up a blunt and smoked away… Another man lit a cigarette and in no time the whole place was a cloud of cancer! The ventilation was pathetic… Tiny openings near the roof fed the tiny cell with oxygen!

I got really tired of standing with my legs crossed so I decided to sit… This was not a good idea either… Sitting on concrete laminated in urine is not a party… But I needed to sit!

I couldn’t sleep though… The men standing next to me were talking in a language I couldn’t understand… In my head they were saying,”Let me hold him from the front as you take him from the back… The we switch!” I was WIDE AWAKE!

At about 5, four guys were taken out… Maybe for the guillotines, I do not know!

I make friends… Drunkards make cool friends…

I heard my name being called out at about 6:30am… The sun was out and men lay asleep… On fuckin piss!

I was free… With a cash bail of 20,000/- and a court date…

THE COURT: MONDAY

I was ordered to appear before the Chief Magistrate Millimani Court on Monday at 8am!

I called a c few people to check how much the fine was and the process… For everyone I called I got a different answer…

The first person I called was Alexander Muge’s cousin who is some big cop… “The fine will not be anything above 30,000/-. Make sure you go with someone who will pay it for you…”

Second person: “100,000! But I can help you… I could make your case file disappear!”

Third person: “Last week guys paid 60,000/=”

Fourth: “Your cash bail will be used… So 20,000/=”

Fifth: “6 months in prison! I heard they want to teach DUIs a lesson!”

Sixth: “It can be 500 or 100,000… I suggest you get 100,000 to be safe…”

As you can see, this was thoroughly confusing!

So I did my averages and got myself 80,000 and prayed… I was in court by 7am… Like the good citizen I am! We were not let in until 7:30am…

DUIs were to appear in courtroom 9… When I got there, we were told that we were too many and our files were not ready… The man advised us to go for breakfast and come back at 11am… I didn’t leave… I sat there and waited till 11am…

WE WERE MANY! Easily 300 people… The courtroom was full… The smell of sweat was the anthem… The media was present… Cameras flashed light every second… I felt like Lady Gaga for a while…

So because of our numbers, a register was called out… The judge called out every single one on that list… All you had to do was respond, “Present you Honour!” If the judge called out your name twice with no answer, a warranty of arrest was immediately issued…

After everyone was called, the judge asked if we were all guilty to which everyone shouted, “YESSSS YOUR HONOUR!”

Then everyone was given a chance for mitigation… The stories were hilarious…

Story one: “Afande mimi sikukunywa hata mingi… Lakini nakubali mashtaka…Niko na mtoto… Tafadhali nionee huruma!”

Story two: ” I only took two WHite Caps… I have since switched to juice. Si hats lie ya delmonte in aka bombe bombe!!”

Story three: “Your honour, me just tell me today how many bottles of beer I should drink so that next time I am here, I say you gave me permission!”

And many more….

The judge was so amused and decided to fine most of us 20,000/= So our cash bail money was used as fine money… This was a long process…

I left the court of law at 4pm a free man! I went home and bought myself nice things… Like chips and sausages…

Now that I have been in JAIL; I am working on my first rap album!

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267 Comments

Posted by on February 4, 2014 in comedy, my car, near death

 

Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

267 responses to “ALCOBLOW SUCKS…

  1. Steve Ouma

    January 29, 2014 at 10:17 am

    This guy deserves an Oscar, every time I come back I fall down! Good stuff

     
  2. Doshi

    January 29, 2014 at 10:57 am

    Lol…I saw you on teli,sorry though,must have been a shit experience,but it made a hell of a story!!

     
    • mydeardoris

      January 29, 2014 at 3:35 pm

      Hehehe.. I was smart on telly yeah? I hope I wasn’t picking my nose!

       
  3. The Real G

    January 29, 2014 at 11:12 am

    “Now that I have been in JAIL; I am working on my first rap album!” – iDied

     
  4. Marvin Jamwaka

    January 29, 2014 at 11:21 am

    “Tukikojolea hii pingu itatokana……………. hahahahaa……

     
  5. Savvy Kenya (@savvykenya)

    January 29, 2014 at 11:37 am

    You looked very smart in court! What an adventure you had!

     
    • mydeardoris

      January 29, 2014 at 12:05 pm

      Hhehehe… I was told I was on tv… Didn’t see myself though! Wah! Nimewacha bombe…

       
  6. Soni

    January 29, 2014 at 11:47 am

    Ian,the escapades you’ve had are too effin H.I.L.A.R.I.O.U.S…:) Next time drink in the comfort of your home and if you must go out,get a cab for heavens sake!

     
    • mydeardoris

      January 29, 2014 at 12:04 pm

      That, I have learnt the hard way!

       
      • nessa

        January 29, 2014 at 1:57 pm

        If ur not taken I have this friend!

         
      • mydeardoris

        January 29, 2014 at 2:14 pm

        yes… go on… 🙂

         
  7. Mary Kihara

    January 29, 2014 at 11:51 am

    You are awesome!!

     
  8. willishalfmungu

    January 29, 2014 at 12:22 pm

    Reblogged this on willishalfmungu's Blog.

     
  9. MK

    January 29, 2014 at 12:29 pm

    Lol, such a nice piece ” now that i have been in jail am working on my first rap album” ikufa…

     
  10. Kawiria

    January 29, 2014 at 12:40 pm

    Wololo and the way we never think it can happen to any of us. Pole Ian, but you’ve also made it sound like a hilarious experience.

     
  11. K.C

    January 29, 2014 at 12:50 pm

    This is my first time here and i have laughed so hard.A good read for sure.

     
    • mydeardoris

      January 29, 2014 at 1:13 pm

      Make sure you come back… Story of my life!

       
  12. Burgundy Bird (@CptWalubengo)

    January 29, 2014 at 1:06 pm

    Hahahaha…I want to say things here, but then again, I will not. Good stuff man.

     
    • mydeardoris

      January 29, 2014 at 1:11 pm

      Don’t say a wordddd… hehe

       
  13. Shingah

    January 29, 2014 at 1:21 pm

    Hahahaha! I swear, your life is just interesting. I’ve really died:”-D

     
  14. ssmhalt

    January 29, 2014 at 1:41 pm

    ..maybe we cud feature me as a guest artiste….am a 2 time convict : )…….awesome piece to end janworry!

     
    • Maureen Ngesa

      January 29, 2014 at 2:00 pm

      Hi hi hi Ian you are mad. I love reading your stories very much interesting.

       
      • mydeardoris

        January 29, 2014 at 3:24 pm

        Thank you 🙂

         
  15. ritashay

    January 29, 2014 at 2:09 pm

    Hilarious piece, tell me when that album drops!

     
    • mydeardoris

      January 29, 2014 at 2:14 pm

      Hehe… talking to akon on terms…. #convictmusic

       
  16. just me

    January 29, 2014 at 2:11 pm

    hahaha, this is too funny

     
  17. Sammy

    January 29, 2014 at 2:21 pm

    I remember the brown KDF guy?I wish i knew who you are.I was with you..Maybe we talked

     
    • mydeardoris

      January 29, 2014 at 3:35 pm

      Hehehe… This is just amazing! Yeah, the really light skinned kdf guy! haha. We were so many! Describe yourself so I remember…

       
  18. Phibby

    January 29, 2014 at 2:41 pm

    hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaah FINISHED!!!! lol

     
    • mydeardoris

      January 29, 2014 at 2:45 pm

      Cheka tu…

       
      • Phibby

        January 31, 2014 at 2:53 pm

        Ujue na ku love…i have died….hahah yu need to publish Dear Doris….

         
  19. Ed

    January 29, 2014 at 3:00 pm

    Nice narative it is

     
  20. Osacr

    January 29, 2014 at 3:01 pm

    very very engaging quite a story..some of us are familiar with such stories but dont have the oratory skills such as ones you posses. thank you for the story

     
  21. #DONGE! ® (@JulieOkiro)

    January 29, 2014 at 3:04 pm

    HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHA

     
  22. Orpah Nasimiyu

    January 29, 2014 at 3:14 pm

    Fucking hilarious!! 😂😂

     
  23. Mugo Gitau

    January 29, 2014 at 3:22 pm

    Great piece..

     
  24. nelly kiarie

    January 29, 2014 at 3:22 pm

    I always wait to read these letters…so am waiting for the album!!a hilarious one this is

     
    • mydeardoris

      January 29, 2014 at 3:27 pm

      The album will be out this fall… hehe

       
  25. Grace

    January 29, 2014 at 3:23 pm

    haha…i felt like lady gaga for a while…that just killed it…i went home a free man and bought myself nyce things like chips and sausage! meeeeen!!!

     
    • mydeardoris

      January 29, 2014 at 3:26 pm

      Keep reading Grace… the drama never ends!

       
  26. Silvia Stanley

    January 29, 2014 at 3:28 pm

    Hahaaa..hilarious

     
  27. Collette Brenda

    January 29, 2014 at 3:31 pm

    first time here and my ribs are aching..with tears in my eyes!!!hilarious stories..you mad.my day

     
    • mydeardoris

      January 29, 2014 at 4:19 pm

      🙂 thank you… follow or subscribe for more…

       
  28. Collette Brenda

    January 29, 2014 at 3:33 pm

    first time here and my ribs are aching…with tears in my eyes!!!hilarious stories…

     
    • mydeardoris

      January 29, 2014 at 3:48 pm

      Thank you Nicolleta, I hope you will stick around!

       
  29. Knique

    January 29, 2014 at 3:34 pm

    If you can find comedy in life, even at the face of such grave experience, then you can almost endure anything..

     
  30. lydzayar

    January 29, 2014 at 3:42 pm

    What happened when you dropped the soap? Will you post pictures of that moment?

     
    • mydeardoris

      January 29, 2014 at 4:20 pm

      Hehe… there are no soaps in cells…

       
      • lydzayar

        January 30, 2014 at 9:40 am

        Plot thickens! Wonder why….. Do you think that whatever happened when someone dropped it was that bad as to warrant banning of soaps?
        You want to go back in, undercover of course?

         
  31. Evans Otieno Omuony

    January 29, 2014 at 3:50 pm

    This is a great piece. It may sound hilarious but it is so true and all the readers must take heed and drive safe. I actually underwent the court process and you are spot on in your description (although I went in for something else (traffic) with a fine not to write about). Kujitetea part is comedy for the judge and i guess they have a hearty laugh in the back room.

     
    • mydeardoris

      January 29, 2014 at 4:21 pm

      Hehe… Kenyan law… I had fun!

       
  32. faithnyapara

    January 29, 2014 at 3:50 pm

    Reblogged this on Faithnyapara's Blog and commented:
    interesting read….

     
  33. Soul

    January 29, 2014 at 4:04 pm

    Nice piece, it flows really well.

     
  34. OTIENO B.C.

    January 29, 2014 at 4:10 pm

    Rap album should probably be called Your Honour or Piss

     
    • mydeardoris

      January 29, 2014 at 4:22 pm

      Hehe… you are now my manager!

       
  35. Sam

    January 29, 2014 at 4:12 pm

    Mr. Arunga, that madam on your profile photo bana… tunaomba serikali…

     
  36. Risper

    January 29, 2014 at 4:18 pm

    hahahahahahahahahaha! My first time on your blog and it is hilarious. Must make time to read your past stories. Good stuff man keep it up

     
    • mydeardoris

      January 29, 2014 at 4:25 pm

      Hehe… I am glad you enjoyed this one… subscribe to get updates when new posts go live.

       
      • Suzi

        January 29, 2014 at 8:37 pm

        Story well told. Hilarious! I hope all Kenyans read this and realize that it’s not a joke. Even for a fine of 2k it’s not worth the experience; handcuffs, being bundled into a land rover, shit/urine stinking cramped cell, a whole day in a stuffy court room. …….. yak! Just take a cab!

         
  37. Tony

    January 29, 2014 at 4:25 pm

    good stuff…hilarious.

     
  38. Lilian Wanjiku

    January 29, 2014 at 4:27 pm

    Ian!!!

    I’m in tears and stitches. Laughing out loud like a retarded seal. I’m sorry though. One of your best pieces adversity notwithstanding.

    Lilian.

     
  39. eli

    January 29, 2014 at 4:30 pm

    Men, you made my afternoon… whaaat? loool

     
  40. Angie

    January 29, 2014 at 4:37 pm

    Hahahahahaaaaa…you are strong to find such humor in such circumstances.
    This has brightened an otherwise boring day in the office.

     
    • mydeardoris

      January 29, 2014 at 4:45 pm

      Now si you follow the blog??? Yes?

       
  41. Eva

    January 29, 2014 at 4:37 pm

    Good stuff..Laughed myself silly in the office today…

     
  42. Kinderedspirit

    January 29, 2014 at 4:38 pm

    This has made my afternoon….nay, week!!! you must have been in the same cell as a certain elderly gentleman from mada. This was his exact account of events on the same morning! were you in the same cell as an apparent corporal in the army who supposedly had the armory keys and needed to be let out?
    I love your writing!

     
    • mydeardoris

      January 29, 2014 at 4:46 pm

      I was with an old guy… yes… the one who now takes juice… and a kdf guy! Sounds legit! You know him?

       
  43. hiswordsmythoughts

    January 29, 2014 at 4:40 pm

    Ala, why wasn’t my legal opinion sought???????????!!!!!!

     
    • mydeardoris

      January 29, 2014 at 4:47 pm

      Hahaaaa… I am saving you for second offence 🙂

       
  44. Martin

    January 29, 2014 at 4:55 pm

    as always a great piece. and… oh yeah i also saw ur skinny arse on telly…lol

     
    • mydeardoris

      January 29, 2014 at 4:57 pm

      Haha… I am sorry you confuse me for someone else… I am quite fat!

       
  45. Georges

    January 29, 2014 at 4:57 pm

    hahahahahaha……….story no. 4….afande it was my birthday wakanimwagilia pombe ….ngozi ndio ili absorb sikukunywa kitu

     
  46. Carol G

    January 29, 2014 at 4:59 pm

    You’re mad…you never dissappoint..am glald I can brag that I know you and Doris..lol

     
    • mydeardoris

      January 29, 2014 at 6:45 pm

      Hehehe… Happy New Year Carol… Thank you 😀

       
  47. Chokosh

    January 29, 2014 at 5:06 pm

    Haha ati “Ananiua ananiua”… Am surprised you didn’t burst out laughing after huyo cop alipatikana

     
  48. Veshki

    January 29, 2014 at 5:11 pm

    I have not laughed like this in a while!! I have to read your previous posts. Nice piece!

     
  49. Sammy Muriithi

    January 29, 2014 at 5:12 pm

    Hahaha,, Hillarious…

    “Your honour, me just tell me today how
    many bottles of beer I should drink so that next time I
    am here, I say you gave me permission!”

    This is a nice read…

     
  50. Ruthie

    January 29, 2014 at 5:19 pm

    Very funny…i should write a piece on my experience as the relatives and or friends who were called at 2 a.m to bail out the likes of you 🙂

     
  51. Savvy Kenya (@savvykenya)

    January 29, 2014 at 5:28 pm

    Mpaka you didn’t even tell Dear Doris sweet nothings in the beginning of the letter, just “shut up and listen” 😦

     
    • mydeardoris

      January 29, 2014 at 6:42 pm

      This was an emergency 😦 Next time she gets two paragraphs!

       
  52. Ephraim

    January 29, 2014 at 5:48 pm

    boss noma sana,,… eti ninakubali mashtaka lakini niko na mtoto…

     
  53. Doris Omao

    January 29, 2014 at 5:51 pm

    I wish I was the real Doris…you always make my days!!!Lol…..You are awesome Ian!!!

     
    • mydeardoris

      January 29, 2014 at 6:40 pm

      Hehhee… Hi Doris 😀 You have a really cool name ;D

       
      • Doris Omao

        January 29, 2014 at 7:35 pm

        lol..thankyou 🙂

         
  54. JemoMure

    January 29, 2014 at 5:59 pm

    Ati niko na soo nane ” Hio weka uongeze 19,200 ufike bail… Unalala ndani…”
    That was a great retort from the cop !
    Refreshing and enjoyable piece ! Keep it ip

     
  55. mhusika mkuu

    January 29, 2014 at 6:02 pm

    story told like ..one seated next to in a bar having one ..cheers

     
  56. Tu-thwad

    January 29, 2014 at 6:11 pm

    That is exactly how Mututho envisioned it!!! :–D

     
  57. charles babu

    January 29, 2014 at 6:45 pm

    You guy!! Enyewe you have made my day…for those ones planning to do a rap album, this is the WAY to success *chuckles*

     
    • mydeardoris

      January 29, 2014 at 6:46 pm

      Tested and approved by Akon #convictmusic

       
  58. shiko

    January 29, 2014 at 6:59 pm

    1000 likes for this piece!!!! just fractured my ribs!!! 😀

     
  59. eugenekaana

    January 29, 2014 at 7:02 pm

    I have died severally while reading this, too awesome.

     
  60. Author Boniface Kamau Zablon

    January 29, 2014 at 7:05 pm

    That is a good storyline! Unfortunately it is too short….am not suggesting you should have gone to jail to complete a book though! Get me another story with continuity and pap! A possibility of a box office hit…lol.

     
    • mydeardoris

      January 29, 2014 at 7:31 pm

      The whole blog is one story… 🙂

       
  61. Nimo

    January 29, 2014 at 7:12 pm

    ati what?!? hehehehe…..KUPUT!!!#DEAD

     
  62. thogorik

    January 29, 2014 at 8:01 pm

    OH MY DAYS! I almost died laughing! In this cold winter this had made my day! Just came back to school from home and I thought the drinkcember alcoblow evading tactics were exciting in the least. But this ! Pia Mimi nimeacha bombe! Bless your soul! In tears!

     
    • mydeardoris

      January 29, 2014 at 8:39 pm

      Hehe… Asante #DiasporaComment 😀

       
  63. Nyambura Njuguna

    January 29, 2014 at 8:13 pm

    Thank you :)…. I needed a good laugh.

     
  64. DonJuan

    January 29, 2014 at 8:46 pm

    This is hilarious. Especially because I was in the land rover that arrived ahead of yours at muthaiga and was in the cell on the other side of the quad and at the back of the courtroom. Give me a shout I can do a feature on the album.

     
    • mydeardoris

      January 29, 2014 at 8:55 pm

      Do you have dreadlocks by any chance? Haha…

       
  65. ray

    January 29, 2014 at 8:51 pm

    Lool jirani. Use the back route via strath. It saved me

     
    • mydeardoris

      January 29, 2014 at 9:06 pm

      ROGER THAT!!! Hehe. Don’t know why I didn’t think of that!

       
  66. Hellen

    January 29, 2014 at 9:31 pm

    This is good, the funny side of life, i like the optimism

     
  67. Brian D. Meeks (@ExtremelyAvg)

    January 29, 2014 at 9:36 pm

    Wow, a friend of mine pointed me to this blog post on Facebook. It was brilliant and I only speak English, so I suspect it was even better than I know.

    I’m going to go read more of your blog, because I’m confident it is all well written.

     
    • mydeardoris

      January 29, 2014 at 9:50 pm

      Thank you Brian… let me know what you think of the rest of it…

       
  68. Kavoi Maina

    January 29, 2014 at 9:39 pm

    ###DEAD I love it!!! The cop handcuffed your hands @ your back and showed you the latrines,,, did he think you were Dynamo the Magician?!!!

     
  69. nyamari

    January 29, 2014 at 9:46 pm

    this is a masterpiece

     
    • mydeardoris

      January 29, 2014 at 9:48 pm

      Not nearly 😀 you are far too kind!

       
  70. Mary Stellar

    January 29, 2014 at 9:47 pm

    so funny!coz its so true!so love my country…

     
  71. Nancy

    January 29, 2014 at 9:53 pm

    Night made!! Hilarious!

     
  72. karimi

    January 29, 2014 at 9:55 pm

    Lol… You can buy drinks from my liquor store and enjoy from your house. First time here and I havent laughed and read a story so keenly. Really good.

     
  73. Lyn

    January 29, 2014 at 10:03 pm

    No better way to wrap up my evening…you rock!!
    Subscribing ? Mos def

     
  74. Brian

    January 29, 2014 at 10:12 pm

    Ian i appreciate the humor and all but DUIs aren’t a joke. Its all fun and games till someone you love or know gets killed by a drunk driver. Whether you think you’re below the limit or not if you’ve had something to drink please NEVER GET BEHIND THE WHEEL! people have died for much less

     
  75. abby

    January 29, 2014 at 10:12 pm

    MAN U JUS MADE MY 9T. I PROMISE EVRYTYM I WILL B HOLDING A DRINK,,,,?? I WILL MOS DEF REMBER U,,,,,,,,, CHEERZ

     
  76. ani

    January 29, 2014 at 10:22 pm

    Still laughing…cant quite get over it…my ribs…

     
  77. john

    January 29, 2014 at 10:51 pm

    have laughed wish u were in the papers

     
  78. Dorcas

    January 29, 2014 at 10:54 pm

    Ati u went n bought urself what….! Niiiice read…

     
    • mydeardoris

      January 29, 2014 at 10:59 pm

      Nice things…. hehe. Thank you!

       
  79. David

    January 29, 2014 at 11:09 pm

    Drunkard are Genius look at this piece of ArT!!

     
  80. Cathryn

    January 29, 2014 at 11:27 pm

    Very satirical. Good writing!

     
  81. andrewm85

    January 29, 2014 at 11:54 pm

    This guy deserves a stand up comedy slot! His humour flows so naturally!

     
  82. monkey thieves

    January 30, 2014 at 12:05 am

    You are an awesome write dude. Lupita watch out…..! Hehehehehe

     
    • mydeardoris

      January 30, 2014 at 12:08 am

      Thank you monkey thieves… 🙂

       
  83. victor

    January 30, 2014 at 12:10 am

    too, too funny,,,born story teller…

     
  84. alex

    January 30, 2014 at 1:34 am

    wat..!!! yani, i cant stop laughing and feeling sorry for you..boss pole, kwanza the KDF guy fighting everyone..” He had the temper of a
    praying mantis!”…you totally nailed it.

     
  85. Gathogo

    January 30, 2014 at 1:48 am

    My ribs…oh my ribs

     
  86. Muringo

    January 30, 2014 at 2:33 am

    I cannot even start quoting what made me laugh. I will end up copy pasting the whole post.
    In short, I have died.

    This has made my year.

     
  87. Mariam Maissara

    January 30, 2014 at 6:52 am

    Lol!So hilarious. Nice one

     
  88. Morgan

    January 30, 2014 at 7:40 am

    Iwe funzo kwako na wengine kama tabia yako. Mnacheza na maisha. U should value ur life, not 5 mins of fame coz of your shame.

     
  89. Melody Bisieri

    January 30, 2014 at 7:43 am

    Wow good stuff…
    This should totally pursueba career in journalism…write a book or something like that..

     
  90. kintu

    January 30, 2014 at 8:04 am

    waa you made my day

     
  91. anonymous

    January 30, 2014 at 8:09 am

    Lmao…funny as hell!!

     
  92. Michael I. Nderitu

    January 30, 2014 at 8:54 am

    ”Let me hold him from the front as you take him from the back… Then we switch!” Loool, funniest sh*t I’ve read in a while

     
  93. Somali Facts (@Mehboobah)

    January 30, 2014 at 8:59 am

    I don’t drink but I have seen so many guys on Momnbasa road and Langata road drive right in the middle of the road! ;But that KDF guy wah!

     
  94. Wangechi

    January 30, 2014 at 9:11 am

    You have just made my morning. i need to come here more often…..did they steal anything from your pockets.

     
    • mydeardoris

      January 30, 2014 at 8:51 pm

      Nope… Nothing was stolen 😀 LUCKILYYY!!

       
  95. wanjiru

    January 30, 2014 at 9:13 am

    nys piece …wakojolee pingu zifunguke, that was just mad..

     
  96. wanjiru

    January 30, 2014 at 9:16 am

    u knw wot.. lets get alcoblow victims to post their stories then post them on the national transport and safety authority …website/fb page…would make for a good sensitization campaign only in a hilarious most appealing version

     
  97. Sam

    January 30, 2014 at 9:25 am

    Can’t stop laughing, have to be taking my beer in the estate

     
  98. akandie

    January 30, 2014 at 9:55 am

    Awesome story! Wouldn’t want to go through that experience myself. Let me just read it from your blog 🙂

     
  99. Nanu K

    January 30, 2014 at 10:11 am

    Your story has really made my morning. its hilarious. sorry about that experience..and yes, you looked smart on tv!
    p.s…my first name actually is Doris so i connect 🙂
    And i have always hated that first name of mine but you might make me change my mind..

     
    • mydeardoris

      January 30, 2014 at 8:50 pm

      Doris is a beautiful name… So are all Dorises 😀

       
  100. Dan Mabera

    January 30, 2014 at 10:17 am

    Very interesting read!! I was in that Court representing a client and I must say it takes a genius mind to pull off such a hilarious tale from that experience. Good stuff man!!
    PS. I could clearly see the fear in your face…holding my breath for the Rap album.

     
  101. Charles Mugwanja

    January 30, 2014 at 10:26 am

    awesome read man! wondering why i’ve never read your blog.. no worries though, catching up from now..

     
  102. winnie winnie

    January 30, 2014 at 10:28 am

    lol. .waiting for that rap song. .

     
  103. kamwareh

    January 30, 2014 at 10:31 am

    Thanks for making my day :,-D

     
  104. kishykish

    January 30, 2014 at 10:33 am

    your album must b a standup comedy with beats……..good staff man

     
  105. bomseh

    January 30, 2014 at 10:46 am

    I’ll definitely subscribe and recommend.

     
  106. MKM

    January 30, 2014 at 10:53 am

    BTW, do they tow your car? Do you have to pay for towing charges? How do you get back your car?

     
    • mydeardoris

      January 30, 2014 at 8:46 pm

      Yes they tow your car… And yes you have to pay for towing charges… Mine wasn’t though… I was rescued!

       
  107. bukki

    January 30, 2014 at 10:54 am

    …nxt tym would b safe…

     
  108. Vivien Jaber

    January 30, 2014 at 11:23 am

    lol! so its true wat the cell looks like???!!

     
  109. Gaceri

    January 30, 2014 at 11:28 am

    This is hilarious!!! But you missed out one small detail, how did you eventually relieve your bursting bladder???

     
    • mydeardoris

      January 30, 2014 at 11:59 am

      You get used to it… Waited till I got home…

       
  110. mahustlerszone

    January 30, 2014 at 11:53 am

    Reblogged this on Embakasi Reloaded.

     
  111. Wanjique

    January 30, 2014 at 12:02 pm

    Very nice article… After the album make sure you get a book deal as well. Will be first in line for both.

     
  112. Alex

    January 30, 2014 at 12:17 pm

    Hilarious…rap album that’s genius

     
  113. Archie

    January 30, 2014 at 12:17 pm

    Mshtakiwa number 3 saved you all. hahahahah. I know the judge also laughed at that one

     
  114. Cate Dee

    January 30, 2014 at 12:22 pm

    hehe…can’t stop laughing…

     
  115. Liz

    January 30, 2014 at 12:25 pm

    … bought myself nice things… like chips and sausage… I die!!

     
  116. Kevin Adede

    January 30, 2014 at 12:31 pm

    Great! Can make for an interesting short story in an Anthology.

     
  117. Anna

    January 30, 2014 at 12:57 pm

    Hilarious. I’m soo dead 🙂

     
  118. Jaynklf

    January 30, 2014 at 1:04 pm

    This just made my day!hahahahaahaha…PAUSE…..hahahahaha this guy is just the winner,y lie!!

     
  119. kilogoris@2012

    January 30, 2014 at 1:38 pm

    what happened to the KDF guy? i thought police can’t arrest KDF!!!!

     
    • mydeardoris

      January 30, 2014 at 2:17 pm

      Not when they are driving drunk…

       
  120. Micah Otyenomoro

    January 30, 2014 at 2:09 pm

    ha ha ha ha…nice piece!

     
  121. Oliver Okemwa

    January 30, 2014 at 2:52 pm

    You encourage bribing the police? You are no worse than those corrupt politicians who we complain about everyday. Actually you’re worse because you try to inject humour in it. I’m gonna hope that yours is a case of ignorance and naivete

     
  122. BRUCE MUGO

    January 30, 2014 at 2:55 pm

    Great Piece…

     
  123. jimna1

    January 30, 2014 at 3:00 pm

    Now this. Epic!

     
  124. doreenmutheu

    January 30, 2014 at 3:07 pm

    lol, hilarious!

     
  125. janet

    January 30, 2014 at 3:24 pm

    hahahaha mydeardoris you just made my day!

    hahaha now that i hve bn in jail i’m working on my first rap album #i_die #dead_n_buried

     
  126. Hilda Wamae

    January 30, 2014 at 3:46 pm

    I love the way you project yourself. Very interesting piece. Consider writing as a way of making money, as they say if you are good at something, charge for it. In regards to your unfortunate experience begin to use cabs when you need to catch a pint!. I agree though, alcoblow SUCKS!.H a ha ha ha.

     
  127. Rachel

    January 30, 2014 at 3:50 pm

    Utterly hilarious… sleepy afternoon taken care of, Thanks for the laughs!

     
  128. wayne

    January 30, 2014 at 3:57 pm

    hahaha nice

     
  129. shades

    January 30, 2014 at 4:13 pm

    lol!! okay

     
  130. sande bob

    January 30, 2014 at 5:22 pm

    Boss, something upset in the morning but when i stumbled on to this, my day was made. Awesome!!!

     
  131. Chao Kituri (@chao_kituri)

    January 30, 2014 at 5:58 pm

    OMG!!!!!! This has just killed it!!!!!! Haki hii bombe itatuletea shida……so now when do we expect that rap album?

     
  132. tom

    January 30, 2014 at 6:02 pm

    hilarious story it must have been such an experience!!

     
  133. michael alex

    January 30, 2014 at 6:21 pm

    good mate!!! you made my day.

     
  134. Samu

    January 30, 2014 at 6:23 pm

    sema kucheka mpaka ribs zinauma

     
  135. Onditi Maureen

    January 30, 2014 at 6:23 pm

    Rib cracking…for a second I felt I was there with you in the ordeal.

     
  136. sheila

    January 30, 2014 at 6:36 pm

    Hilarious! so vivid.The narration is too descriptive and what makes it even more funny is that my boyfriend went through the same thing, January 11th, being cuffed to a mad guy, haha! (at that point it wasn’t funny)…but the guy didn’t suggest breaking the cuffs with urine…this is a good one, “Konvict”

     
    • mydeardoris

      January 30, 2014 at 6:46 pm

      These things happppeennnn… Now ZERO DUIs!

       
  137. David Kipchumba

    January 30, 2014 at 8:29 pm

    Hehehe this is like ndrama like vindeo! So hilarious yet so scary episode!

     
  138. Max

    January 30, 2014 at 8:46 pm

    This has made my day. I’m yet to encounter A-Blow since I recently relocated to the shagz but it takes me back to being busted after Mututho hours when I was DJing in a small pub in Nai. Great post.

     
  139. Chris

    January 30, 2014 at 9:44 pm

    Absolutely hilarious! Loved it…

     
  140. O'lair O'lair G

    January 30, 2014 at 10:03 pm

    ..and I hadn’t come across your blog before this piece!! looks like I have really been missing out…..niiiiiice pice!!

     
  141. judemutuma

    January 31, 2014 at 12:04 am

    Hahahaha Woi I’m dying here!!! Now you, my guy, have a sense of humor..

     
  142. judemutuma

    January 31, 2014 at 12:06 am

    Hahahaha Woi I’m dying here!!!!! Now you, my guy, have a sense of humor..

     
  143. Kate

    January 31, 2014 at 12:15 am

    Cant wait for the rap album..lol

     
  144. SHARONROSE

    January 31, 2014 at 12:40 am

    YOU WERE BORN TO WRITE!HELLUVA STORY!LOVE IT!
    AM CURIOUS ABOUT YOUR BLADDER. WAT DID U DO WITH THE PISS?

     
    • mydeardoris

      February 2, 2014 at 11:34 pm

      Pissed at my house after my freedom 🙂

       
  145. jey

    January 31, 2014 at 12:47 am

    this is just somethin…really made my night.lmaol waking the neighbour.it must have been a good experience lol..hahaha i like..”bought myself nice things like chips and sausage”.”felt like lady gaga””story two hahaha” n the imagination what the two guys meant that u couldnt understand”..meen,this is hillarious.

     
  146. Joan

    January 31, 2014 at 4:47 am

    This just made my evening. I have one question though, did you ever get to pee????

     
    • mydeardoris

      February 2, 2014 at 7:31 pm

      Hehe.. no Joan… I got to pee when I got home.

       
  147. munne

    January 31, 2014 at 6:09 am

    just amazing! hehe! keep writing!

     
  148. Julius

    January 31, 2014 at 9:07 am

    Hey…pole for the experience but you really brought out a hillarious tale…….You made my day with a good laugh…….kudos to you

     
  149. thafero

    January 31, 2014 at 9:17 am

    Absolutely hilarious! Rap album! #laughter

     
  150. thafero

    January 31, 2014 at 9:22 am

    Absolutely Hilarious!! Rap album #laughter

     
  151. Josephine

    January 31, 2014 at 9:34 am

    ha ha ha hilarious…..consider writing a book or starting a fun tv show… Start by appearing on #JKL or #ChurchillLive..what!#dead and buried!

     
  152. Esther Neema

    January 31, 2014 at 10:00 am

    ha ha ha ha, this is how to make a girl choke while eating food. You are such an amazing writer 🙂 . Hilarious

     
  153. wariohelena

    January 31, 2014 at 10:10 am

    Reblogged this on My Unusual Life and commented:
    Haibo!!! This done cracked me up. The last almost made me piss on myself. Great story telling

     
  154. Shamim Omary (@OmaryShamim)

    January 31, 2014 at 10:54 am

    just curious ..what happens to the cars….after you are taken to the land rover

     
    • mydeardoris

      January 31, 2014 at 12:08 pm

      They are towed… unless someone comes for it.

       
  155. Diana

    January 31, 2014 at 1:14 pm

    Waah am dead this is your funniest ever….

     
  156. Ali Fedha

    January 31, 2014 at 1:50 pm

    excellent stuff!..kudos!

     
  157. njambie

    January 31, 2014 at 2:53 pm

    u guy are nuts! 1st time here n i think im here to stay

     
  158. Collo Moseti Collo

    February 1, 2014 at 10:45 am

    SMOKE WEED INSTEAD

     
  159. dkais24

    February 1, 2014 at 4:45 pm

    AM STILL #DEAD..ATI YOUR FIRST ALBUM!!!!
    NICE READ!!!
    KALI SANA

     
  160. Oriop Langat

    February 1, 2014 at 8:23 pm

    hahaha……Has Muthuto Read this blog? we need to share with him.

     
  161. juustblogging

    February 2, 2014 at 9:22 pm

    Haha As I massage this ego, this is indeed a hilarious piece!

     
  162. njash

    February 2, 2014 at 11:25 pm

    damn! you are too funny!!

     
  163. Jane

    February 3, 2014 at 1:39 am

    lol

     
  164. Michael

    February 3, 2014 at 10:26 am

    Hilarious piece, we must be cautious not to donate money to the state for no service rendered……and fines have now grown to 500k.
    I guess devolution will succeed at this rate.

     
  165. Mwangi

    February 3, 2014 at 1:09 pm

    Its my first time here and i have already falllen in love with your blog.Anyway i am internet marketing speciliast and have noted you have a few monetization strategies in place in your lovely blog.If you dont mind i can help you monetize your blog traffic.Hit me on email for details

     
  166. Mercy

    February 4, 2014 at 10:35 am

    Lol good staff.
    “I went home and bought myself nice things… Like chips and sausages…’ YOU ARE INTERESTING DO NOT ONLY WORK ON THE RAP ALBUM BUT WRITE BOOKS. You are a writer believe me!

     
  167. pundi

    February 4, 2014 at 12:54 pm

    Hilarious!! Silently chocking on laughter in a no laugh zone!!

     
  168. Peter Njonjo

    February 5, 2014 at 8:14 am

    Love the writing. Would you like to tell your stories live? Join us at the next Nairobi Sema Story which is a monthly story telling event. Check out http://facebook.com/nairobisemastory for podcasts, photos and info.

    Great writing!

     
  169. Jamie Allen

    February 6, 2014 at 10:15 pm

    A happy accident an I am really loving it.. So more please.

     
  170. Sharon

    February 10, 2014 at 4:40 pm

    This was hilarious!!! Good writing skills you have here…explore them!!

     
  171. wambui

    February 12, 2014 at 2:35 am

    daamn hihi gr8 article im super jealous of doris though

     
  172. Fabbz

    February 16, 2014 at 10:31 pm

    Hehe so hirarious!!doris u da bomb we in tears in mama pima joint dxb lol!

     
  173. Tech Man

    March 4, 2014 at 4:20 pm

    GoodStuff!!
    I bumped into the alco-blow shit at the entrance of Runda fortunately i took a mad U-Turn and sped off all the other motorists followed me like i new where i was going and we all ended up in the parking lot of Nakumatt Ridgeways.

     
  174. Mercy Kangsy

    March 8, 2014 at 6:41 am

    New follower here….Your are very creative!

     
  175. Nancy

    March 11, 2014 at 8:05 pm

    first time on your blog and let me just say every letter i have read has brought tears to my eyes due to the amount of laughing that has taken place..good read

     
  176. Muthoni

    March 26, 2014 at 5:11 pm

    I dont know hoow im only finding this blog now..but..that was an amazing read..like im wondering how your mind works..im impressed..humor+reading..two of my favourite things..you’ve got me hooked!!

     
  177. Diana

    April 4, 2014 at 10:27 am

    I was in hospital when I read this some time back…. They had to get me checked again to confirm that I didnt need to be transferred to Mathare…. Mind you, was heavily pregnant so I was being kicked mercilessly from the inside.

     
  178. Natabona

    April 11, 2014 at 10:02 am

    hahaha!!!! oh my goodness!!! may i never find myself in jail!!!

     
  179. Kui

    April 11, 2014 at 11:51 am

    Hehehehe…..Just read about your blog on Ciku’s page on the nation. I have laughed so hard on this story. Thank you for sharing your experience. Lemme get myself some water and continue reading the blog

     
  180. jay

    April 11, 2014 at 2:02 pm

    thanks to ciku….wonderful blog tell us when the rap album is out lol

     
  181. Cathy

    April 14, 2014 at 4:25 pm

    Ian, lol! Your sense of humor never ceases to amaze me! Lovely, absolutely lovely!

     
  182. Chumbe

    April 17, 2014 at 5:30 pm

    Boss, next time, park mbele ya Toyota kenya and walk home, that would be like walking from Ongoro to the Gate of you know…hehe

     
  183. Marshall

    April 23, 2014 at 9:21 am

    Hahaha. Great stuff!! Will definitely vote for #DearDoris. 2beers and you were over the legal limit… #lightweight

     
  184. Jeremiah Ngari

    April 23, 2014 at 9:25 am

    Hilarious masterpiece

     
  185. Rachel

    April 23, 2014 at 9:43 am

    loool….eeeh, your poor bladder….u even forgot u had to go…..ama u added to the ammonia on the floor:)
    …jus saw the ntv interview as it ended. good stuff

     
  186. james chuma

    April 23, 2014 at 10:25 am

    saw your piece on tely…you killed it…big ups!!!

     
    • mugzz

      April 23, 2014 at 1:25 pm

      hey, he appeared on which show??

       
  187. Carolyn

    April 29, 2014 at 11:09 am

    Damn, how did I miss the tv interview? Read abit of your piece on Ciku’s Diary..had to come rushing here. Awesome…

     
  188. Sinta

    April 29, 2014 at 4:18 pm

    Lol the most hillarious sad story ever told…

     
  189. aliceaowambo

    May 8, 2014 at 9:34 am

    Dude- this is very good! Keep doing more.

     

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